Marrying someone who finds me physically unattractive

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She doesn’t have to date those guys. She can be as clear and upfront as she wants as to what she’s looking for/not looking for. There’s lots of people of all kinds on there, and since Catholic sites can be locked behind a paywall they don’t have as many people.
 
I have had a look at Ave Maria, but I’m Australian living in Australia, and there are about three Australians on there. Although I guess I could end up in a long-distance relationship with a foreigner.
 
She’s 22 and not married, but she has a boyfriend who I think she’ll marry. I like him a lot.
 
AliasApril said:
She’s 22 and not married, but she has a boyfriend who I think she’ll marry. I like him a lot
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With six years difference between you, I would definitely expect you to be in different social circles. If you are in a “young adult” group at church that is more focused on the 22 year old crowd and superficial things, then yes I would suggest you move on, expand your social circle, and do things apart from your sister.
 
I agree. Now I have to find those groups. I have a few friends in their 30s and they don’t even know where the grown ups are. Although to be fair I think most people in our set are about 25 or 26 rather than 21 or 22.

One thing I have learned is that some guys don’t seem to move past the mental age of 14 until they reach the physical age of about 32. But I think all the men I know who are in their 30s are married, except for the one who corners me at every party and tells me about his psychologically damaged friends. It’s not boring. But it is weird.
 
AliasApril said:
I actually think non-religious guys could be an option that I’ve overlooked in the past
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Dating non-religious men may boost your ego, but they aren’t really the source of a Catholic marriage. You need to decide what you really want-- someone to stroke your ego, or someone who will be the head of a Catholic family.

Expanding your dating pool just to be able to date is wrongheaded. Make sure you are dating men who will lead you to heaven. (Not all Catholic men fit that criteria, some are more Catholic in name only while others are serious about their faith. You have to discern quality over quantity).
 
Option 5:

Stop comparing yourself to your sister. Men of virtue do not show up and say to your father “show me your daughters” and then they pick the one they see as prettiest, at least not in the modern Western world.

You run the risk for ending up in a destructive relationship because you have told yourself “I’d better take anything I can get!!”

Get out in the community, get involved at the Diocese level with Catholic groups and events. Make FRIENDS. The marriages that last, every one of them, will tell you that they married their best friend.

I know what I am talking about. I have a physical deformity that cannot be hidden with cosmetics, corrected with surgery, 50 years ago I would have been in a sideshow at a circus. Many of the people with my deformity end up in terrible exploitative relationships because they feel they have to take anything that is offered.

One thing I learned is to always put my best foot forward. My hair is kept in a current style, well groomed. My brows are shaped, I take care of my skin and my teeth, I wear cosmetics to enhance my face (you can learn this from YouTube and it is not expensive). Clothes are in good shape, better to have a capsule wardrobe of 10 items that fit well instead of a closet of cheap stuff that looks like a mess. Nails are trimmed and filed.

I watch my posture, my handbag and my shoes are in good repair and as stylish as I can be (again, one pair of high quality shoes is better than a closet of Payless junk). I have practiced everything from how I look when I eat to my handshake.

Keep your mind sharp, read real books, be intellectually active.

Have a list of non-negotiables and stick with them. Do NOT settle.
 
Yeah. True. But a bit of social normality would be nice. Or just plain kindness. Church guys can be quite savage.
 
I do all that stuff. Except probably the bit about the handshake.

I’ve been involved in diocesan stuff for years. I’m a bit burnt out now, but when I recover a bit I’ll try again.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Have a list of non-negotiables and stick with them. Do NOT settle.
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Yep. My husband and I had a list of non-negotiables. Deal breakers and must-haves.

I dated a LOT as a young person, 100s of dates, and then I completely stopped dating for 10 years, from around 25-35 years old I didn’t date. At all. I was very involved in young adults. I was the president of my group. I was involved at the diocese. I started many ministries, and grew our group from a handful of people to over 250 active and a mailing list over 1000. BUT, that was my MINISTRY not my dating pool. I came to understand that the Lord had me where he had me, not for me but for those who needed this ministry. It was a MINISTRY not a built-in social circle. I did have friendships that developed from that group, but I came to understand that wasn’t my reason for being there.

When the time was right, I was called to different things and met my husband.

My husband never dated at all. I was the only person he “dated”. He was 40 when we met. 42 when we married. I was 38.
 
Well, if it’s a recurring pattern, then it is the OP’s problem. She needs to learn to go out with guys who aren’t going to send her texts at 5 AM about how beautiful her sister is. As to where you find non-shallow guys? They’re in the same places as are shallow guys; the trick is to attract and be attracted to them. For that, I would follow 1ke’s advice and take a look at your own ways of thinking.
 
Yes! Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Focus on being a Proverbs 31 woman!
 
It doesn’t seem to matter to him about your appearance. He loves you for other reasons. How do you feel about him?
 
Oh no. Sometimes i forget where the" original poster’s" page is!
 
AliasApril said:
A close platonic male friend says I have these options:
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When I read your friend’s analysis of the situation, I figured he was a teenager, but it sounds like he is actually close to your age? Needless to say, he does not have a mature or realistic view of the situation.

I agree with those who say that you need to strike out on your own a bit and find some friends outside your sister’s circle. I also have a sister who is a couple of years younger than me; and while we are very similar-looking, she was considerably prettier than I when we were teens and college-aged. She was also more outgoing and confident; so my self-esteem and confidence, which were already low at that time, were made worse by the thought that my sister was basically a prettier and more fun version of me. So I understand where you are coming from. But I think by the time you are well into your twenties, you should be coming into your own self and having confidence in who you are as a person, completely apart from your sister. It seems that you mainly see yourself in relation to her, and that is not healthy (as you are probably aware by now). Whatever it takes to make that happen, namely cultivating a group of friends apart from your sister’s circle, maybe taking up a new hobby or interest of your own, and getting some counseling, as others have said, would be excellent first steps.
 
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AliasApril said:
I have had a look at Ave Maria, but I’m Australian living in Australia, and there are about three Australians on there. Although I guess I could end up in a long-distance relationship with a foreigner.
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Have you looked at Catholic Match? They might have more people in your area.
 
Weirdly I can relate to your story so much but from a diffrent angle. My older sister was so overwhelmingly successful and I was always compared to her. It’s easy to feel inadequate in someone elses shadow. However, God calls us to not become bitter or envious.

It helped me a great deal to focus on myself and my own capabilities. There is a lot in your hand. Also beauty wise. No one ever said don’t work out and eat healthy, make the best out of yourself…

Also I would wait a longer time to present someone to your sister if you feel this threatened by her.

Ideally, you should gain enough self confidence along the way that all this will seem silly to you. It’s all about self confidence about developping your own femininity. Every woman has beauty. It’s about cultivating it.

PS what kind of morronic advise from your platonic friend. It’s only his opinion.
 
Fair point. Although I hope that the church guys I know are not the best I can hope for because they are pretty cruel.
 
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