Marrying someone who finds me physically unattractive

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Yeah. I feel like at this point I probably have to cut certain people out of my life too.
 
Come to think of it, a few years ago this friend actually went on a date with my sister and then she decided she wasn’t interested. That’s a whole angle to this that I had forgotten about.

I don’t present them to my sister. They just meet because we know the same people.
 
I have. No luck. I did get contacted by 1) guys from foreign countries and 2) guys whose profiles said things like ‘I use the faith as a psychological crutch’. I have recently considered trying again but the price tag puts me off a bit. After all I can’t think of anything else where you spend money for (most of the time) zero result. But I will try again, because it looks like God does use this as a means of bringing people together.
 
Sometimes I think I need to avoid being around my sister at all if that’s what it takes. But that would be a really sad thing. I never thought I’d feel like this so close to 28. Seems kinda pathetic.
 
Happens. Sometimes distance is a good tool to develop yourself. Solitude, travelling etc. It broadens your horizon. You are special, too. Sometimes one can forget that around others.
 
These are NOT your only options.

Firstly, there are millions of guys in the world and we all find different things attractive.

Men don’t just care about looks. Obviously looks are a thing, it’s important that you feel attracted to your wife, I think. But men care about personality and values. I dated a few women before I married, some were more attractive than others but I didn’t marry them for the simple reason that they didn’t match in certain values that I held to be important.

You should hold out for a guy that cares about YOU as a whole person, not just for your looks. Yeah, he totally should desire you, but he also should be able to talk to you in bed til 3am and not run out of conversation.
 
If you are truly called to marriage, then ‘the one’ is out there somewhere, and God will arrange it so that you two meet.
 
Mmm, yes, but don’t neglect the steps the OP should be taking to meet a good guy and to be ready for a good guy. Carrying around an inferiority complex about one’s looks is not a great strategy for securing a husband.
 
I’ve never known how to think about how much effort I should be putting into finding a spouse.

I’ve heard the advice that goes basically like this:

‘Live your best life, do things you enjoy, be around people you like, go to the events you want to attend and avoid the ones you don’t want to attend, and God does the rest.’

The other advice is:

'Move to a different city, attend All The Things even when you don’t want to, do All The Online Dating, God won’t help you if you don’t help yourself. ’

Not sure which to follow. Nearly all of my friends have met their spouses through no real intentional effort. But they were living their lives happily and it just happened.

I can see the argument both ways. If it’s not God’s will for me to marry, then I could move to a place full of Catholic guys who are fit to marry and it wouldn’t matter. If it is His will, I don’t think that I can miss my chance by living in the wrong suburb. It’s so confusing.
 
Yeah. I wouldn’t think that the latter is the correct way.
 
OP,it seems as if you’re living your whole life in response to others. What do YOU want? I’m sure its not a man who would drop you for a chance to get close to your attractive sister!
What do you do? Do you have a job? Do any male co-workers interest you? Do you have leadership positions, in the church activities you are involved in? (note;I don’t expect an answer to all there questions. I bring them up so you will think about them).
I’d advise staying away from the dating scene for a while, but not hiding yourself from men who share your beliefs. Do you still go to college or graduate school? If you can, take a class that interests YOU. Likely, there will be men there who are there for the same purpose! You’ll have something in common already!
And, stop comparing yourself to your sister! There are more important things than looks…when looking for a relationship that may ultimately lead to marriage. The years one can get by principally on one’s looks is short…you need a lot more to even think of marriage.
Try and make friends that share your interests.Both male and female friends. Find out what is uniquely attractive, and interesting, about you. You seem, so far, to have gravitated towards some very shallow people. Try to meet some who have higher hopes for their future. Again, not for the sake of dating them, but to realize that there are people out there who have different interests.
And, above all, don’t isolate yourself. That can lead to a very sad and lonely existence.
Praying for you. God Bless.
 
AdamP is right: Not all men are fixated on looks. Those who are simply aren’t worth your time. I am a very short 155 cm and as a young woman weighed less than 45 kg. A date when I was about 20 told me I was “built like a 10 year-old boy.” I didn’t let it hurt me. I told him if he thought that, he was a creep for obviously being attracted enough to ask me out in the first place.

Self confidence is key. I truly believe that is what’s lacking more than all else here. If you don’t recognize you own worth it will be hard for others to see it as well.

April, I think it’s lovely that you and your sister are so close. I do, however, wonder if always feeling “second best” (which isn’t true) isn’t holding you back from living your life more fully? It might be time to find your own patch of light.

One last piece of advice: Buy the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. The language is a bit old-fashioned in places but the advice and tips are solid. I have used them both in my personal and professional lives with much success. Good luck to you, April. I’m praying for you!
 
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Just to be clear, the idea that there is “one” person who we are each destined to marry flies in the face of the Doctrine of free will. God wills those with a vocation to marriage to marry a person who shares their faith, but, He set up His Church to allow permission if someone really wants to marry outside of the faith.
 
Thanks for for comment. A married female friend of mine says I should move from our city of 4.5 million people to yet a larger city in hopes of finding someone. I don’t know what to think of that. For various reasons I think it would be very difficult for me to establish myself professionally in that city. But she says our city is a wasteland for Catholics.
 
AliasApril said:
Sometimes I think I need to avoid being around my sister at all if that’s what it takes. But that would be a really sad thing. I never thought I’d feel like this so close to 28. Seems kinda pathetic.
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No, you are not pathetic. You just need to find a different direction and develop confidence in yourself as your own person (easier said than done, and it takes time–but you can do it!). I don’t know that you need to avoid being around your sister at all–that would be sad if you are close! But I think developing your own circle of friends and interests outside your sister would be a healthy thing in this case.
 
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