Marrying someone who finds me physically unattractive

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I didn’t read the thread, just the original post.

When you marry, your husband should look at you with love and find you to be lovely, beautiful and completely attractive.

My sister is tall and statuesque and looks like George Clooney’s wife Amal.

I never once thought my husband thought she was more attractive than me, or preferred her.

He thinks I’m gorgeous. I think my husband is very handsome. Love is blind. I think we’re probably the average middle aged couple.
 
AliasApril said:
I don’t really care if my potential husband finds millions of women more attractive than me. I just don’t want him to compare me to my sister, you know? I’ve spent my whole life being in her shadow and I would hope to find someone who would choose my looks over her looks. Or who would at least find us about the same. The thing is, when you first meet a guy, you don’t have shared history to bolster the attraction. Physical appearance is really the main factor in a first impression, and, well, as my friend says, I can’t really compete. He says I’m not ugly, but he says my sister is prettier than I am.
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Nobody has a shared history when they meet someone the first time. Finding someone to marry isn’t a competition. I know that sometimes things seem bleak, and if you are used to all the positive attention your sister gets I can understand. But remember that you only want to marry one person, and your assumption that a man couldn’t possibly find you more attractive than your sister is unfounded. Your “friend” doesn’t know what he is talking about.

And when you do find yourself in a relationship, you don’t want to unintentionally sabotage it by always wondering whether he likes your sister more. I think some counseling would be helpful, and I agree with everyone who said you really should get out more on your own and form your own social groups.
 
We women, I think we forget to work at making our heart beautiful first. That is ultimately what shines through. A kindness, a smile, a certain grace that is always looking to make the other person feel loved. If you can look behind yourself and help someone to feel beautiful and loved themselves, you begin to stop being weakened by what other people are thinking of you, and you grow in beauty.

But…
I think it’s important to take care of yourself physically, and to stay connected to trends and norms stylistally in order to give the impression that you’re not removed from reality and you are connected. In a sense, it shows emotional and physical health.

Look around… all sorts of women are loved. 😉 you don’t have to be a Barbie doll. In fact, it’s the Barbie dolls that struggle with finding true love the most, I think.
 
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Looking like a ‘Barbie doll’ may attract a man to you-
but, if you don’t have anything else going for you, you’re not going to keep him interested, for long.
As I said before, the time when people-male and female-can get by on their looks is rather short, in the scheme of things. Looking good attracts a person, who might otherwise overlook you. But, a successful marriage requires so much more!
It looks as if the OP has already got this message, and is beginning to act accordingly. I certainly hope that anyone else here with that problem has been helped here, too.
 
One friend says this one says that…what do YOU say? Do you want to move away? Is getting married your only priority?
I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Start by asking yourself the questions that are important to you. I seriously doubt that your city of four-and-a-half-million people in it is a ‘wasteland’ for any cultural/religious group.
Of course, this is only my opinion, but you seem to have gotten the idea that you’re feelings, wants, and needs are subordinate to those of others. Maybe in their hopes and plans, but, please, not in your own. You probably could benefit from counseling, or even medium to long-term therapy. You’ve been thinking of yourself…as I understand it, from your posts here…as your younger sister’s less-attractive sibling.
You need to become more than that…so maybe moving to a new town isn’t such a bad idea. But think about it…can you afford it? Will you be leaving anyone or anything important behind? Moves take lots of consideration, and more than a little planning.
My priority, in your case, would be starting to think of yourself differently, which would require some counseling. If you decide to go this route, speak to a counselor, set some realistic goals, and figure out between you the approximate cost-in money, and in time.
Of course, this is just me-so thoughtfully decide what you will, and won’t follow. Same with others who have advised you.
You took the first step of acknowledging that there’s a problem, and posting it here. You’ve done well…but much of the hard work is before you, now. Pray that your decisions will be wise ones. I’m sure you will have many people praying for you.
God Bless.
 
Thanks for your reply.

No, I don’t want to move away. In fact, in many ways I think it would be a stupid idea, not least of all because if I did move away, it could be very damaging to my work. Work isn’t everything, but right now I’m not prepared to take the risk of abandoning my job here in order to move somewhere else on the slim chance that I might meet someone. She (my friend) thinks it could be something that God could me to do. Then again, she got married at 21 and became a stay-at-home mother almost immediately, so I don’t think she realises what she’s asking me to consider doing.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m single because I haven’t done what my friends suggest:
  1. ‘Move to xyz city! Our mutual friend lives there! He knows everyone! I bet he’ll be the one to introduce you to your future husband!’ (Conveniently forgetting that that same mutual friend also introduced me to 5am Text Guy.)
  2. ‘You’re single because you don’t want to date non-Catholics, so don’t be surprised that you can’t find anyone.’
  3. ‘You should date someone who thinks you’re unattractive.’
I mean, seeing it in print, it’s actually pretty funny.
 
Oh! Another one!

‘Well, maybe you’re too picky. You shouldn’t have ditched the guy who pulled a fast one on you by inviting four of his dumbest friends along on your second date without telling you! And who cares that he summoned you to some pub when you’d arrived at the previously ageed-upon meeting place? That’s totally considerate behaviour!’
 
Moving isn’t the answer, IMO. You don’t sound at all interested in doiing that, so it’s unlikely you’d be happy doing so. I’d (personally) stop entertaining that notion.

What are you passionate about, April? What do you like to do when you aren’t at work or with family? Perhaps volunteering for a cause/organization you care about would help you branch out and meet new people?
 
I think it would. I’ve been volunteering with the same places for awhile so maybe something new would be better.
 
AliasApril said:
A married female friend of mine says I should move from our city of 4.5 million people to yet a larger city in hopes of finding someone
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What kind of kooky friends are you collecting? Neither of your “friends” is giving you solid advice.

In a city of over 4 million people, if you can’t find your own circle of friends apart from your sister then it’s not the city that is the problem.
AliasApril said:
But she says our city is a wasteland for Catholics.
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Well, there certainly are areas with few Catholics compared to other areas. But, with 4 million in the city, I would think if even 10% were Catholic that’s still a lot of Catholics.
 
AliasApril said:
My younger sister is more physically attractive than I am. I’m not fat or ugly, but she is practically a supermodel. Guys notice that, but by and large, they do not notice me. I never even got asked out on a date till I was 22. I’m now nearly 28.

A close platonic male friend says I have these options:
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You know, the more I think about this the more it bothers me. Your entire post is about you. You relative to your sister, but you. It’s about finding a guy based on looks.

How about you find a guy that you LOVE? That you want to spend your life with? That honors God and you? That will be a great father and husband? That wants to share his life, his hopes, and his dreams with you?

How about you marry a guy that loves YOU? That wants to spend his life with you? That honors you. That cherishes you.

None of that has anything to do with looks. Yes, we find our spouses attractive, because we love them. We may or may not have found them attractive to begin with. I’ve gone out with men in the past that I didn’t find particularly attractive or who wouldn’t be considered classically handsome. But, their personality, their fun-loving nature, just the great person that they were drew me in. They became attractive TO ME and I didn’t really give a flip about how anyone else found them to be attractive or not, or how they compared to the People magazine crowd. Because I’ve also dated a few really handsome men, who were ugly on the inside and there is no comparison. I’ve dated a few who were both, handsome and great people-- but it’s the great person that I was looking for, he just happened to be in a handsome package.

Look for the beauty on the inside of the one you date, and also inside yourself. Are you kind? Caring? Compassionate? Easy-going? Forgiving? Those are the things that matter.

I think you have a lot of work to do on YOU in this scenario, because so far all you’ve mentioned is looks and that is troubling.
 
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1ke said:
None of that has anything to do with looks. Yes, we find our spouses attractive, because we love them. We may or may not have found them attractive to begin with.
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You’re a woman, though. I don’t think men are quite like that. I think a woman can find a man attractive because she loves him, but from what I’ve seen, a man loves a woman because she’s attractive. Or because he thinks she is. This is ‘hating on’ men. It’s just what I’ve seen.
 
My husband finds me attractive after 47 years and he did not marry me for my looks.
 
1ke said:
How about you find a guy that you LOVE? That you want to spend your life with? That honors God and you? That will be a great father and husband? That wants to share his life, his hopes, and his dreams with you?

How about you marry a guy that loves YOU? That wants to spend his life with you? That honors you. That cherishes you.
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Well, that’s the plan. But unless he’s blind, I don’t imagine that appearances won’t factor in somehow.
 
AliasApril said:
‘You should date someone who thinks you’re unattractive.’
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Reminds me of a terrible joke (from my non-Catholic evangelical days).

A young man is in Bible College getting ready to become a pastor.

He is dating two women and cannot decide which one to marry.

One woman is plain, yet she has amazing orgizational skills, a mind like a whip, she can play concert piano, organ and sing like an angel.

The other woman is drop dead gorgeous but she is rather dim and has no talent whatsoever.

He asks his classmates “which one do I choose for a wife?”

The others say “you will be a pastor. A pastor’s wife needs to be able to teach Sunday school, run the Ladies Group, be the worship team leader, of course you should marry the woman who is adept at these things!”

So, he marries plain Jane.

The morning after the wedding he nudges her and says “wake up and sing, honey, wake up and sing”.

THOSE are the sort of people who are telling you this bunk.
 
Maybe he didn’t marry you for your looks but I doubt he found you unattractive.
 
AliasApril said:
but from what I’ve seen, a man loves a woman because she’s attractive. Or because he thinks she is.
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Because HE thinks she is. And that attraction grows. It doesn’t always start out as major attraction. For either a man or a woman.

Are men visual? In general. But don’t make too much of that. Women are visual too.

it’s not just looks or just personality or just any one thing. It’s all the things together that make the package. Looks are only one piece and not the biggest piece. Not to people of substance.

If it is the biggest piece, that’s a big clue that you are with someone who is insecure and shallow and it is best to move on. Because when looks fade, and they will, that shallow person will move on.
 
I think one of the things that is really over-emphasised in Catholic culture and circles is the ‘men are visual, women are emotional’ idea. That’s one thing that I think is really damaging about the modesty discussion. Because the message I’ve received has been: ‘Men are visual and they are silently and casually assessing your appearance at all times.’ I’ve heard this from men too. So maybe it is true. But maybe it’s better not to know.
 
I never realised that attraction grows for men. I just thought it was instant or not. You’re his ‘type’ or not. Well, maybe it’s that way for men under 30.
 
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