Marrying someone who mustn't have children

[ChangingHeart]

Dear Changing Heart,

you say

“but the Church teaching has crushed my hopes and dreams.”…

please allow me to offer that when your hopes and dreams are contrary to Church magesterial teaching, the problem does not lie with the teaching, but with the hopes and dreams themselves.

God never calls someone to a life that “crushes hopes and dreams”, unless that is necessary to clear a path for the hopes and dreams he has in store for you - which are immeasurably better in every way than anything you can possibly hope of or dream for.

God is Love. Love never fails…

I just buried my husband today. I could look at that as crushing my hopes and dreams, but all I know teaches me that God has hopes and dreams for me that are far beyond anything I could come up with on my own.

Trust in God with your whole heart, and lean not upon your own understanding!

peace, grace, and love to you

Sorry for your loss.

What I wrote above was during a time of deep depression. I am well aware that all of God’s plans and commandments are for my good.

 

[grandfather]

What I wrote above was during a time of deep depression. I am well aware that all of God’s plans and commandments are for my good.

Have you sought medical help for your depression? Are you on medication?

It seems from your posts that you are fairly confused and a prone to over react and misunderstand things.

I have been married a long time. My wife and I have children and grandchildren and love one another deeply. In order to be married successfully it takes certain tools and grace. You really have to know what you are doing. You do not have this understanding today. You might gain it, but do not understand at all what marriage is today. There is a beauty and a rich treasure to be found in married life if you know how to find it. This might be a place for you to start. The name the Church gives to the sacrament is Holy Matrimony. Notice the Church did not name the sacrament Holy Patrimony. It is all about mom. Translated from Latin it means the holy office of motherhood, or holy condition of motherhood. The model for us married men is Saint Joseph. Mary is the star of the show. The man is there to serve his wife and mother. The man is fulfilled in being a servent and working his whole life to care for mom and children. The faithful father and husband is blessed in his wife and children, sacrificing his life for them. If this crushes your dreams your dreams of what marriage should be are confused.

 

[ChangingHeart]

Have you sought medical help for your depression? Are you on medication?

I’m not clinically depressed. I teach special ed, and I hate it. A bad day at work combined with the knowledge that I have to go back the next day and face kids that I’m not legally allowed to effectively discipline, while they are legally allowed to attempt to kill me is enough to put anyone in a bad mood. It’s not grounds for medication, but a career change. However, a career change would mean throwing away college degrees, and starting at ground zero, and when there is no other (moral) career that seems intriguing to me, and is as simple as apply and you got the job, and then I find out that if you get married you need to want, or at least try to have kids(or otherwise refrain from sex) then, you can see why I may not be Mr. happy happy joy joy right now.

 

[grandfather]

However, a career change would mean throwing away college degrees, and starting at ground zero, and when there is no other (moral) career that seems intriguing to me, and is as simple as apply and you got the job, and then I find out that if you get married you need to want, or at least try to have kids(or otherwise refrain from sex) then, you can see why I may not be Mr. happy happy joy joy right now.

Please think about this. You do not understand marriage or sex. You do not understand yourself. Sex s not simply something we do for physical pleasure or self satisfaction. We are spiritual beings. Sex has a spiritual dimension. It is one of God’s greatest gifts to us, because through our sexual faculties a man and a woman share with God in the creation of a being with an immortal soul. You can not possibly see the beauty of life without seeing the beauty in the transmission of life and the joy of creatng new life. The union of a man and woman is in the transmission of life. Selfish pleasure will only make you more unhappy than you are now. You are obviously not called to work with special needs children. Whatever we do in life we are called to make the work an expression of love. Are there other people who like the work, who actually enjoy the handicapped children? There must be. How do they approach their work that it gives them saisfaction?

 

[ChangingHeart]

Are there other people who like the work, who actually enjoy the handicapped children? There must be. How do they approach their work that it gives them saisfaction?

Well, they may be putting on an act, but there seems to be. They have a heart for these children. I wish I did, too, but I don’t. I can’t stand the feeling of being a victim of physical abuse, and absolutely helpless to (legally) do anything about it. Maybe it stems back to all the emotional abuse I took in school as a student, back during my teenage years, and the feeling of helplessness that I felt then, I don’t know. I just know that anger continues to build up inside of me. (I’m NOT usually an outwardly angry person, so people don’t realize that I have an anger problem, which no doubt stems from the aformentioned feelings of helplessness during my younger years.)

 

[Delphinus85]

My nephew is very close friends with a woman with a bad heart defect (transplant is not an option). Although she is fairly well at present, the doctors are agreed that her lifespan will be much shorter than normal. They also are agreed that her heart could not possibly survive a pregnancy. My nephew wants children but he is content with the idea of adoption and so is she. Although he is keeping an emotional distance for now, he thinks that he could easily love her and consider marriage. In this case,could NFP be used indefinitely?

Short answer: yes

Long answer: of course

 

[grandfather]

Well, they may be putting on an act, but there seems to be. They have a heart for these children. I wish I did, too, but I don’t. I can’t stand the feeling of being a victim of physical abuse, and absolutely helpless to (legally) do anything about it. Maybe it stems back to all the emotional abuse I took in school as a student, back during my teenage years, and the feeling of helplessness that I felt then, I don’t know. I just know that anger continues to build up inside of me. (I’m NOT usually an outwardly angry person, so people don’t realize that I have an anger problem, which no doubt stems from the aformentioned feelings of helplessness during my younger years.)

Dear Changing Heart,
You really need to get some help. The problem is not the job and it is not the Church’s teaching on sex and marriage. What you are describing is not healthy. God bless you.

 

[kage_ar]

Well, they may be putting on an act, but there seems to be. They have a heart for these children. I wish I did, too, but I don’t. I can’t stand the feeling of being a victim of physical abuse, and absolutely helpless to (legally) do anything about it. Maybe it stems back to all the emotional abuse I took in school as a student, back during my teenage years, and the feeling of helplessness that I felt then, I don’t know. I just know that anger continues to build up inside of me. (I’m NOT usually an outwardly angry person, so people don’t realize that I have an anger problem, which no doubt stems from the aformentioned feelings of helplessness during my younger years.)

For the sake of the parents, who are trusting their child to your care - for the sake of the children, who are created in the image of God - and for your own sake, please, seek some professional and spiritual help.

 

[ChangingHeart]

For the sake of the parents, who are trusting their child to your care - for the sake of the children, who are created in the image of God - and for your own sake, please, seek some professional and spiritual help.

It would be unfair for me to expect anyone who is not in that situation to understand it. Five years ago, I would be responding the same way you are all responding to me. Talk to some people you know who teach VIOLENT children who are chronic threats to their own physical safety, and to the safety of their classmates. Add to that the stress of knowing that these children have free reign to injure you, yet if they get hurt in any way, you are liable. If you haven’t walked a mile in those shoes, you just won’t understand what it’s like.

 

[Julian_Peters]

Thank you to all who have participated. This thread is now closed.