Mass Bloopers

[Norseman82]

OK, it’s tme to admit to my own embarassing altar server blooper (Chicago, you will love this one!).

In high school, some of us were “Cathedral servers” who would serve Mass at Holy Name Cathedral. The “prime” assignment was Midnight Mass, which was televised on WGN. I got the assignment one year. Also, I was the censer-bearer, who lead the procession.

Well, before Mass, one of the sacristans/liturgists/I forgot who, advised me to swing the censer a certain way.

Well, I did…

And I shouldn’t have…

It banged against the pews spewing hot sparks - on live TV! And the next day, when the TV news showed clips of the Midnight Mass at Holy Name, tehre was a clip of priests stamping on the carpet.

 

[johnnykins]

Not Mass - but a sacrament - Anointing of the Sick

An old liberal nun was dying and the local priest was called to the convent to Anoint and give the Last Rites. Upon being admitted to the sick room, the old nun roused herself, looked at the priest as he prepared to anoint her and said, “If I had a penis I could do that.”

The priest responded, “Well, I generally use my thumb.”

She smiled and the priest anointed her.

 

[daeve]

Not Mass - but a sacrament - Anointing of the Sick

An old liberal nun was dying and the local priest was called to the convent to Anoint and give the Last Rites. Upon being admitted to the sick room, the old nun roused herself, looked at the priest as he prepared to anoint her and said, “If I had a penis I could do that.”

The priest responded, “Well, I generally use my thumb.”

She smiled and the priest anointed her.

That sounds like a joke. Wonder if it really happened? Truth is stranger than fiction.

And who would have guessed that Stephen Colbert is a CCD teacher? Never in a million years.

 

[johnnykins]

That sounds like a joke. Wonder if it really happened? Truth is stranger than fiction.

And who would have guessed that Stephen Colbert is a CCD teacher? Never in a million years.

It was told to me as if it actually happened - whether it truly did or is a joke is hard to tell. In any event, it seemed to be not out of place here.

 

[judegirl33]

One Sunday while intoning the verse of the psalm from the ambo, I misread the verse (even though I knew it by heart): “For all my ***toes ***I am an object of contempt.”

Somehow by the Grace of the Holy Spirit I managed not to lose my place or my composure (or to look anyone in the eye) until I got back to the choir. However I did collapse into hysterics (tears and all) later while explaining what had happened to my mother.

Poor feet.

 

[bknebel]

That sounds like a joke. Wonder if it really happened? Truth is stranger than fiction.

And who would have guessed that Stephen Colbert is a CCD teacher? Never in a million years.

I know a priest that this sounds like exactly something he would have happen to him!

 

[dove_of_peace]

From what I understand, he is a Sunday School/CCD teacher, and it does look like he is doing that in a classroom.

That video clip is from a movie Steven Colbert was in called “Strangers With Candy” based on a series from Comedy Central of the same name. The movie bashes Catholicism and Mr. Colbert is most certainly not a real CCD teacher.

 

[aboverubies]

Sadly, it was one of many moments of self-mortification in my life.

:console: Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

 

[FrJindra]

One Christmas Midnight Mass when I was still an associate priest, I chose to wear some very ornate vestments the church had that were satin-lined, and gold-threaded. My homily was on the difference between the humble way Christ came into the world and the rich way we are able to live, and that we come in “such fine clothes” on such a night. As I said that, I put my hands under the chasuble, and lifted them in a gesture intended to hightlight the “fanciness” of the vestments: the chasuble went flying over my head and landed about 5 feet behind me.

The tragedy is, I just went over, picked up the chasuble, revested, and continued. Years later, I found out that word of my error was travelling around the diocese that I had taken off my vestments during Mass and “stomped on them.”

Nothing could have bee further from the truth. Now, if I had just stopped, looked at the chasuble on the floor and said “Now, that wasn’t supposed to happen!” I wonder what the reaction would have been.

Fr. Frank

 

[lak611]

Years later, I found out that word of my error was travelling around the diocese that I had taken off my vestments during Mass and “stomped on them.”

Nothing could have bee further from the truth. Now, if I had just stopped, looked at the chasuble on the floor and said “Now, that wasn’t supposed to happen!” I wonder what the reaction would have been.

Fr. Frank

Fr., I am sorry to hear what happened. All I can say regarding that congregation is “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.”

 

[FrJindra]

Thanks, Laura, but in reality … I think the reaction (stomping of the vestments) that distorted the event (flying chasubles) makes the story even more laughable: have you ever played telephone? It is hard telling when the embellishment on the story actually happened.

On a serious side, gossip is a terrible thing.

God bless.

Fr. Frank

 

[lak611]

Thanks, Laura, but in reality … I think the reaction (stomping of the vestments) that distorted the event (flying chasubles) makes the story even more laughable: have you ever played telephone? It is hard telling when the embellishment on the story actually happened.

On a serious side, gossip is a terrible thing.

God bless.

Fr. Frank

The flying chasuble is funny! The gossip is not.

 

[FrJindra]

I just read the story of the dive bombing bat, and have a “one-up” on that one. This happened to a brother priest: the “Our Father” had ended, and he said: “Deliver us, Lord from every evil…” THWAP!! - he was hit in the chest by a bat!!! He grabbed the lavabo bowl, and covered the bat, and went on with the Mass.

One that happened to me a few years ago: I had just reached the sanctuary, and the opening song ended. I kissed the altar, and as I was walking to the chair a little boy in Dad’s arms said: “I want to go home!” I looked out at him and said: “Well, you are home!” He snapped his head around and looked at me with surprise. Everyone chuckled.

In the same parish, once, a little boy near the back of the church said “uh oh!” about something. A little girl repeated it who was in the front. It kinda messed up the meditative silence after Communion!

Fr. Frank

PS: you know, I bet we could fill a 500 page book with “the best of…” on this thread. God has a great sense of humor. He has to to have picked someone like me. Don’t laugh too hard, remember: He picked you too!

 

[Santi2]

One that happened to me a few years ago: I had just reached the sanctuary, and the opening song ended. I kissed the altar, and as I was walking to the chair a little boy in Dad’s arms said: “I want to go home!” I looked out at him and said: “Well, you are home!” He snapped his head around and looked at me with surprise. Everyone chuckled.

 

[tessi]

We were supposed to respond “Forgive us, Lord”.
Young boys were passing saying things like “for our selfishness”, and we said “forgive us, Lord”, then one said “for the Pope” and everybody without thinking responded “forgive us Lord”

 

[Roselander]

I heard about this from my elders way back in B.C. (Before the Council) when I was a kid.
In our old parish on the Southside of Chicago the men of the Holy Name Society would attend Mass together one Sunday a month.
They used to march in two by two up the aisle before the start of Mass. We had a new organist who was a recent immigrant from Lithuania. One day he found a piece of music which he thought would make a nice processional for the Holy Name Society. So on the next Holy Name Sunday, as the men walked up the aisle, the organ pealed out the Wedding March from “Lohengrin” (“Here Comes the Bride.”)

 

[Mystic_of_God]

Our priest is seventy-something, so sometimes he’ll forget about parts of the mass. Once, he almost skipped the Liturgy of the Eucharist. It went like this:

F:The Lord be with you!
C:And also with you!
F:And may the blessing-oops-let’s not get ahead of ourselves.



Another incedent happened when the choir was practicing before a Vigil Mass, and they had the sound system on. Now, Father has a personal microphone that he uses. Well, something started coming across on the sound system. Someone was talking, and it sounded like Father. We were wondering where it came from. We thought it was Father’s mic, and so it was.

The punchline: he was hearing confessions.

 

[Mystic_of_God]

We heard about people “prostate falling” one week. And then there was the FHC Mass when poor father mixed up Gameboy and Playboy, much to the amusement of the congregation.

A similar thing happened.

Every year at our family reunion, there is a kid, a distant cousin of mine, who always brings a Gameboy or DS. He usually fiddles with it in the back of the room.

And my mother said, “Well, insert relative’s name will be sitting in the back with his Playboy”

 

[Loren_1of6]

And there was the Mass a few weeks ago when the mother was leading her two-year-old out before the Eucharistic prayer. The poor little boy was squealing into the silence of the church, “But I don’t NEEEED to use the bathroom! :crying: I don’t NEEEED to use the bathroom!”

I held it together until they passed us and the one-year-old behind us caught sight of them and gave the protesting toddler a bright and cheery “Bye-bye!”

 

[Ruthie]

Our church has a nice, modern fire alarm system, including automatic notification to the fire department and a female voice giving loud instructions on exiting the church.

A couple of years ago, at the Christmas Midnight Mass, there was so much incense used that the alarm went off during the homily. After sending one of the altar servers to run and call the fire department telling them not to respond, Father said, “Just wait until the nice lady finishes!”