Masturbation: A desperate wife needs to know

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For the benefit of those who question whether or not my husband is physically attracted to me, it’s a mixed bag. As one member mentioned, he was attracted enough to marry me. Yet, at 5’2, size 7/8 (today’s size 4/5), and a cup size B, I’ve never been able to compare to the airbrushed pics of the 5’9, size 2, double-D women advertising lingerie (or less). There’s no question in my mind that I’m not all that attractive in his eyes, no question whatsoever. The first mention of that on this thread stung, then I had to remind myself that it was true, even though it was hard to hear.

My husband has recently seen a priest for prayer (the priest offered after I mentioned my struggles in Confession), but it will be just the one time. I’m so disappointed. I thought that he was going to counsel him on a regular basis.

I feel like a terrible Catholic because I feel as though I don’t trust God. But, I’m familiar with addiction. It’s hard work to overcome, even with the help of God, because an addict’s brain has been convinced that something is necessary for survival (even though reason tells him that it couldn’t possibly be necessary). The obsession and compulsion for the drug (or activity) is life-threateningly strong. I try to be understanding, but it just hurts so much.

I’m back to living celibately with him because it’s too painful to be second without numbing my feelings. But, I’m angry this time, whereas last time, I was praying and holding out hope that someday, my husband would get help. I don’t have that hope this time.

I’ve encouraged him to come to twelve-step meetings with me (either as a guest of mine or because he used to drink excessively) in order to reap the benefits of the program. He’s not committed enough to quitting. If the priest’s prayer works and he’s instaneously healed, I have hope that things may be able to change. But, if God is going to require the typical means of recovery for my husband, I don’t have hope. I can’t even pray about it anymore. It hurts too much to be disappointed.

Oh… and as far as sexual orientation, there was a time that I questioned his orientation (because he preferred it to sex with a woman). But, all his visual stimuli have been females-- you know… the Victoria’s Secret, knock-out gorgeous, females.

Thank you to everyone who has offered prayers. They are very much needed because, as I said, I’m not emotionally well enough right now to pray.
 
christin said:
…my sponsor assures me that ALL men masturbate fairly regularly and, as long as it doesn’t interfere with marital relations, a wife is merely acting jealously if she doesn’t accept it.

Are my expectations unreasonable? I have three sons (17, 19, 21). Have I misinformed them?

I appreciate your honesty in answering this question for me. I am greatly burdened by this.
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I am a man who has been around a long time and married to the same woman for most of my life now. My words to you are that MOST men masturbate AT LEAST OCCASIONALLY, some men do this far more than others. Rare is the man under 50 who never ever falls to this temptation. However, any time a man prefers his own hand to his wife, there is a serious problem. Do not despair, rather reassure him of your love and determination to seek a solution that will deliver the intimacy that you both deserve.
 
It is possible it is nothing to do with your not being attractive to him. He may be suffering from erectile dysfunction a lot of the time. Not to make excuses for him, but he may be trying to force things to work physically, or simply wants to check up on how things are working. Men tend to think of or look at stimulating scenes or situations when wanting to arouse themselves. Men with ED find masturbation much easier than intercourse to achieve. If this is the explanation, perhaps he should rather save himself up and use medication such as Viagra or other treatment. ED is an extremely common problem in older men, and often comes and goes. 🙂
 
Claire_from_DE said:
According to Fr. Benedict Groschel’s book The Courage to Be Chaste which briefly addresses this topic along with many others, masturbation is a common sin but it is possible to overcome it.

Since it’s enjoyable and free, my assumption is that most men do it unless they come to realize that it’s not God’s will. IMHO, if a Christian constantly chooses masturbation over sex with his willing and available wife, it does affect marital relations and is a sign that something is awry in his attitude toward sex or in his marriage and that he’s not serious about his walk with the Lord. It’s an indication that his life is centered in himself rather than in love of God and his wife.

Is the sponsor a mature Catholic man? I sure hope not. I know many married and single Catholic men. Of course, I don’t have knowledge of their private lives. But I don’t think they could be living the holy lives I witness if they were living in constant unrepentant sin.
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Sorry to say this…but you know the root of the word assumption? 🙂
 
jacksonj said:
It is possible it is nothing to do with your not being attractive to him. He may be suffering from erectile dysfunction a lot of the time. Not to make excuses for him, but he may be trying to force things to work physically…
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It appears that you may have missed the original post, he’s been masturbating in lieu of sex our entire life together, even when we were first married (in our early twenties). The ED is a new development, which I believe is due to more than just age but may be the result of excessive masterbation. As far as Viagra goes, if he were to take Viagra, he simply would masturbate more often which, obviously, wouldn’t help the situation.
 
spn82756 said:
Sorry to say this…but you know the root of the word assumption? 🙂
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As this topic is very important to me, I must ask, Steve… And your point is? I’ve missed what you’re trying to say here. Please expound.
 
christin said:
For the benefit of those who question whether or not my husband is physically attracted to me, it’s a mixed bag. As one member mentioned, he was attracted enough to marry me. Yet, at 5’2, size 7/8 (today’s size 4/5), and a cup size B, I’ve never been able to compare to the airbrushed pics of the 5’9, size 2, double-D women advertising lingerie (or less). There’s no question in my mind that I’m not all that attractive in his eyes, no question whatsoever. The first mention of that on this thread stung, then I had to remind myself that it was true, even though it was hard to hear.

My husband has recently seen a priest for prayer (the priest offered after I mentioned my struggles in Confession), but it will be just the one time. I’m so disappointed. I thought that he was going to counsel him on a regular basis.

I feel like a terrible Catholic because I feel as though I don’t trust God. But, I’m familiar with addiction. It’s hard work to overcome, even with the help of God, because an addict’s brain has been convinced that something is necessary for survival (even though reason tells him that it couldn’t possibly be necessary). The obsession and compulsion for the drug (or activity) is life-threateningly strong. I try to be understanding, but it just hurts so much.

I’m back to living celibately with him because it’s too painful to be second without numbing my feelings. But, I’m angry this time, whereas last time, I was praying and holding out hope that someday, my husband would get help. I don’t have that hope this time.

I’ve encouraged him to come to twelve-step meetings with me (either as a guest of mine or because he used to drink excessively) in order to reap the benefits of the program. He’s not committed enough to quitting. If the priest’s prayer works and he’s instaneously healed, I have hope that things may be able to change. But, if God is going to require the typical means of recovery for my husband, I don’t have hope. I can’t even pray about it anymore. It hurts too much to be disappointed.

Oh… and as far as sexual orientation, there was a time that I questioned his orientation (because he preferred it to sex with a woman). But, all his visual stimuli have been females-- you know… the Victoria’s Secret, knock-out gorgeous, females.

Thank you to everyone who has offered prayers. They are very much needed because, as I said, I’m not emotionally well enough right now to pray.
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Try convincing him to go to confession. I, too, was addicted to alcohol and pornography and masturbation, but through confession I was freed from every one of those addictions. It works!

If he’s willing to see a priest, perhaps he would be willing to go to confession.
 
I want to make mention that I’ve read a couple of the threads on this forum and, as a result, this morning, I ordered:

Theology of the Body for Beginners
Clean of Heart: Overcoming Habitual Sins Against Purity
The Good News About Sex and Marriage

Last year, I downloaded Ten Keys to Breaking Pornography Addiction, a book by an addict for addicts. I had discovered soft porn on our computer last year and my husband promised to do anything to get better (as he has done so many times). He admits to having read only ten pages. He’s “not a reader.” The only thing that he will spend hours reading is the newspaper and local history.

Although he most likely will never read any of the books, I’m hoping that they will help me to understand his illness as an illness and that I will get God’s perspective on things more than my own, which is so full of hurt and anger right now that I know that my heart can not be pleasing to God.
 
JP2Admirer said:
Try convincing him to go to confession.
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He went to Confession a few months ago (before having a heart cath and angioplasty) and then he went again a couple of weeks ago (because he had to have another angioplasty). However, he will not go to Confession on a regular basis (ie directly after committing the act) because that would mean that he couldn’t continue. Through the years, he typically confesses as part of his Easter obligation and that’s it. He’s only serious about quitting for the week or two following Confession and then it becomes too hard to resist and once he’s succumbed… oh well… he continues until the guilt weighs so heavily on him, he’s in fear of his life (flying on a plane qualilfies), or I remind him of his Easter duty. If I recommend Confession at another time, when my son and I are going, he gets angry.

After twenty years, I’m reasonably certain that he’s not going to change because he doesn’t have the true desire to break an addiction. That’s why I posted here to find out how common of a sin this is. I don’t know if I can live like this any more, not unless God greatly comforts my heart. 😦

I hope that the books will help. I’m praying that if I immerse myself in truth, the light in me will overcome the darkness that surrounds me – a darkness that I can sense inside me, which I believe is the result of the despair that I feel as I struggle with my own addiction to opiates, the one thing that I found could numb me on demand to the pain of this routine act of infidelity.
 
christin said:
As this topic is very important to me, I must ask, Steve… And your point is? I’ve missed what you’re trying to say here. Please expound.
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Well…I think that some men do…but I would say that most (that I know) married men do not. I can’t imagine wanting that over my wife.

I also think you need to develope some self esteem. Why compare yourself to other woman? I’m not trying to judge you by your physical condition…but you certainly don’t sound as though you don’t take care of yourself. I certainly don’t mean to offend anyone…but you don’t sound like a rail or obese. It seems clear that it’s your husband that has the problem. Think more highly of yourself…that just might help! 👍
 
Sometimes a wife is God’s means of saving husbands. Perhaps you could tell him that you cannot live like this anymore. You said that you are living celibately, so tell him if he continues he just may lose you.

That may be convincing enough, since as his wife you probably mean a lot to him. Hopefully, you mean more than his addiction. That in itself could help to make the confession efficacious.
 
kage_ar said:
Highly recommend these CDs:
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Thank you! About five years ago, I purchased a DVD series called Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships by Chip Ingram, not Catholic, sadly, but he has a lot of good material about chastity in dating in order to prepare for lasting relationships, noting that Hollywood’s way of dating is all upside-down. I’ve been so afraid that the male, unspoken sexual attitude in my house would be the one passed on and that my boys would perpetuate the type of marriage that their father and I have endured. I love my boys. I’ve always wanted so much more for them – though the two who are now out of the house are openly engaged in premarital relations.

I had arranged for our family to view the DVDs together as a lenten commitment as two of my boys were coming of age for dating (though it had been my hope that every male in my house would get the message and benefit). Unfortunately, I was the only one who would consider the family project seriously and we never progressed past the first few sessions.

I must confess that I’m afraid to risk allowing myself to have any hope that my marriage could improve at this point. Nevertheless, I will order these as soon as I hit the reply button and trust that God will take care of the rest (preparing my heart to do what is needed when they are received). They definitely will be more effective than books, considering that my husband isn’t a huge fan of reading.

Again, thank you.
 
JP2Admirer said:
Sometimes a wife is God’s means of saving husbands.
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I agree whole-heartedly, that’s why I’m still married after twenty years. The scriptures say to let the “unbeliever” leave a marriage and that God hates divorce. For the first ten years, I tried to be Hosea, faithful though his heart wasn’t. I don’t know, maybe I needed to pray more.

After nearly ten years, I couldn’t continue. I couldn’t stand the emotional pain anymore and so I began to inflict physical pain on myself during intercourse. I had developed a choking response to his touch – purely psychological – because the infrequent intercourse had become so difficult emotionally.

I discovered that if I pulled my hair, I didn’t choke when he touched me. I told him, hoping that he would seek help with me. He didn’t seem to care, as long as I was available. After several months of this behavior, I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew that there was something seriously wrong with having to hurt myself as I was doing. So, I refused to have sex, telling him that I couldn’t hurt myself anymore. I had to stop the insanity but that when he was ready to get help, I would be there for him.

That began a stint of celibacy that lasted almost ten years. By the grace of God, I was able to be chaste (that’s saying something for a gal with a strong sex drive. But, I had already had ten years of learning to moderate and God was very good to me. Many nights I fell asleep in His arms). My husband of course, continued as usual on his own for that decade.

A little over a year ago, I rekindled an intimate relationship with him. I don’t know why. Dear God, I don’t know why! All I know is that I must have forgotten the pain of being second choice and within six months, I was taking opiate pain killers to handle the stress (though I didn’t know at the time that our relationship was what was causing my distress). Everything’s messed up now! I’m trying to get free of the opiates and trying to find God again, as I knew Him for all those years.
Hopefully, you mean more than his addiction.
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Although I understand where you’re coming from, I, being an addict, understand that it’s not as simple as me “meaning more” to him than the addiction and I fear that leaving him might be the bottom that he needs to get the willingness to stop.
 
my sponsor assures me that ALL men masturbate fairly regularly and, as long as it doesn’t interfere with marital relations, a wife is merely acting jealously if she doesn’t accept it.
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Hi Christin,

I just wanted to stress that, although I’m sure your sponsor means well, he or she is most certainly lying to you. Please do NOT believe that you are “acting in jealousy” by not accepting this seriously sinful habit.

Catholicism is countercultural. You cannot seek advice on issues of sexual morality from people “in the world”, ie., people whose primary point of view is secular, whose moral compass is not based on Christian principles. They simply don’t speak our language. I hope that your sponsor is helping you with your opiates addiction, but definitely seek advice from a priest or devout Catholic layperson when it comes to these issues.

I’ve shared deeply and extensively in spiritual matters with a very devout Catholic man for may years. He is a normal, healthy male. There was a time, not so many years ago, that he struggled with masturbation. He admitted that he believed he could simply never stop. But as he prayed for the grace to overcome this serious sin, he gradually obtained this grace.

Today he is not only freed from the sinful act, but it’s not even difficult to resist anymore–he now views it as the repulsive, sinful act that it is and it’s no longer the strong temptation that it once was.

So yes, there are plenty of men who DO NOT masturbate regularly.

God Bless you as you struggle with this painful situation. Keep the faith, keep praying for your husband–both for the strength he needs to stop masturbating and for the salvation of his soul–and know that with God all things are possible!
 
christin said:
For the benefit of those who question whether or not my husband is physically attracted to me, it’s a mixed bag. As one member mentioned, he was attracted enough to marry me. Yet, at 5’2, size 7/8 (today’s size 4/5), and a cup size B, I’ve never been able to compare to the airbrushed pics of the 5’9, size 2, double-D women advertising lingerie (or less). There’s no question in my mind that I’m not all that attractive in his eyes, no question whatsoever. The first mention of that on this thread stung,** then I had to remind myself that it was true**, even though it was hard to hear.
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It’s absolutely not true. It would perhaps be true if you were obese, but you’re not. If you’re size 4-8, you’re in good shape.

The problem is not with you, it’s with your husband. You have to get out of the mindset of blaming yourself for his problem. The vast majority of men would find a woman of your physical type very attractive. If your husband prefers masturbating to airbrushed pictures of models to a real woman who is in good physical shape, then something is seriously wrong with him. Normal men are not like this.

If I were you, I would look into talking to a priest about how likely you are to get an annulment in this situation. Since it seems like this problem existed from the beginning, it may be that your husband withheld a part of himself during vows.
 
Dear Christin,

I’m sure some men do not masturbate. But how many married men regularly masturbate during marriage is unknown to me. You are in a very painful situation. Even if he goes to confession or a twelve step group, or if you leave him, this is no guarantee that he will stop. You cannot control this situation. If he is an addict, your appearance has nothing to do with this problem. It antedates your marriage. Even if he isn’t, it probably isn’t part of the problem.

Continence (never having relations) may be what you have to face. But don’t give up hope. Pray! Love God and your family. 🙂

You are not the only woman that something like this has happened to. I doubt that is any comfort, but it is true.

:console:
 
Christin,

Reading the story you have given paints a miserable picture of a marriage. This is more than just your husband having a masturbation problem; what it reads to me is a break down of your marriage.I hate to be blunt but your husband sounds like a real tool. He obviously does not wish to help himself, so how can we expect God to help him? His visits to confession sound more like paying lip service rather than true repentance. If he wanted to change, he would have changed. Your husband sounds rather apathetic about it all and it is likely that his faith has fallen as well. After 20 years of this, I’d say it’s now a routine for him and ergo has become normal. He has effectively ruined your marriage - all you need do is look back at what this has put you through for the past 20 years to see the damage. That sounds harsh I know, but it’s the picture you have painted for me. He does not deserve the love and patience you have given him, and you deserve a better husband than the one you have now. I think it’s time you throw down some ultimatums.

Reading books about overcoming temptation, christian intimacy, etc are not going to help you rebuild your marriage. I would suggest you both go to some form of marriage counselling, where it’s just you two and a therapist. Your more likely to get something out of that than an addiction meeting. But whatever you do, don’t continue to put up with this anymore and suffer through it.
 
christin said:
I feel like a terrible Catholic because I feel as though I don’t trust God. But, I’m familiar with addiction. It’s hard work to overcome, even with the help of God, because an addict’s brain has been convinced that something is necessary for survival (even though reason tells him that it couldn’t possibly be necessary). The obsession and compulsion for the drug (or activity) is life-threateningly strong. I try to be understanding, but it just hurts so much.
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Volunteers who have submitted to brain scans while viewing pornography. The pleasure center of the brain lights up like a christmas tree due to the array of neurotransmitters and other brain chemicals that become active in the addict’s brain sometimes at the mere sight of the letters “P. O. R. N.” Crack cocaine doesn’t even have this much power over those it ensleves.

The brain also needs more stimuli in order to get the same result. Men are by our sinful nature variety driven. This is why men rarely fantasize about the same woman time after time. It’s also why addicts can spend hours upon hours viewing pornography. Like a drug, the addict needs more and more to get the same high. They are looking for one specific image or scene that gives their brain that “big hit” or rush that can help deliver that powerful climax the addicted brain is craving.

This is a physical addiction problem as much as it is a spiritual problem. The brain becomes addicted to it’s own body chemicals. In a similar way the recovering food addict must still eat three times a day. The married sex addict needs to have relations with his wife in order to have a healthy marriage.

You didn’t cause this. Never forget that.
God Bless You.
 
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