May have just ruined the time to get married :-(

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hasikelee

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As you guys probably know by now, I had been going back and forth on several potential dates for marriage, due to our school plans.

We were originally set for November 24th, then attempted to change it to sometime in the spring/summer of 2008 due to my DF not hearing back from his chosen school for an M.B.A.

Just this July, two things happened. 1) the Cathedral was completely booked from May to August and 2) he heard back from the school and they are going to put him in the accelerated program with a scholarship, so he definitely jumped at that. With those two things, we both agreed a November 2007 wedding would be great.

Unfortunately, the change we made from November 2007 to 2008 and then back to November 2007 again has set the Monsignor to believe we are not ready for marriage. 😦

We completed our engaged encounter in 2006, our interviews with the priest at my family’s parish in 2006 and our infocus tests this spring. Our preparation is complete, so I am wondering what we could possibly do to reassure this priest?

And trust me, if I had known he was going to tell us no, I never would have started up the wedding preparations, such as our invitations, our reception site, the wedding dress, etc. The contact we had at the Cathedral told us we would have no problem at all and it is just now that we have met with msgr due to him traveling.

I don’t know what to do! He said point blank “No way will I marry you in November 2007. Maybe after a few meetings, I will consider a wedding next year.”

:eek:
 
hmmm… if i were in your position i would do some plea bargaining with him in a sense…

i guess its like a REALLY IMPORTANT job interview that you need to set up important facts about about your relationship that you need to “sell” to the Bishop (thats who your trying to convince right?)…

I would also try to get some “references” such as your spiritual directors’/parish priests’ open opinions… try to get them to put into writing to bring to your “interview”…

did that help a tad bit?

Praying for you!!

Give me an update if you can!!!
 
Could the priest see something that y’all don’t see? Maybe after seeing the infocus tests?

We’re almost not allowed to get married either but it happened 5 days before our wedding! I’d ask him why he thinks y’all are ready, and give him some references if you think you are. But I believe he still has to okay it even if you get a different priest, unless you change the parish.
 
Maybe the flip flopping with the dates has just exasperated him. Maybe he thinks you two aren’t taking the marriage seriously because you’re letting the Cathedral bookings and scholarships and school get in the way. ? Maybe he expects you both to set a date irregardless of everything else and stick with it - perhaps seeing that you can’t even commit to a date makes him wonder how you can commit to one another?

Not that I believe any of these things; just trying to see it through his eyes…IMHO I’d be sort of confused too (if I were the priest) - lots of changing minds going on.

You’re just going to have to really impress him the next few visits you have with him and convince him you’re ready. 👍

Godbless you!
 
hasikelee said:
Neither of us has a home parish. We’ve been attending parishes sporadically just to attend Mass.
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Of course you have a home parish. You belong to whichever parish whose boundries you live in, whether you consider it your home parish or not.

I think the Monsignor is concerned that you are more concerned with school and a fancy wedding at the cathedral than with a true commitment to marriage. This may be a misconception on his part, but it is certainly something to think about. Meet with him again and try to explain better your reasoning. The fact the you’ve laid out money on invitations and caterers should not be one of the reasons you bring up with him.
 
Sr_Sally said:
Of course you have a home parish. You belong to whichever parish whose boundries you live in, whether you consider it your home parish or not.

I think the Monsignor is concerned that you are more concerned with school and a fancy wedding at the cathedral than with a true commitment to marriage. This may be a misconception on his part, but it is certainly something to think about. Meet with him again and try to explain better your reasoning. The fact the you’ve laid out money on invitations and caterers should not be one of the reasons you bring up with him.
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The school we are attending is in the parish boundaries of a church that does not follow Catholic teaching/liturgy so we do not attend.

The school I will be transferring to is in the Cathedral boundary. I have also desired to become a parishioner of this Cathedral since I was in highschool due to their pro-life processions/committee and also since many of my friends are parishioners there. (The school was my first pick out of highschool but I chose a 2yr junior college as I couldn’t afford the loans).

I don’t “live” in an apartment or house, but rather a dorm. :o
 
Hindsight is 20/20. Seems you should have placed your membership at the Cathedral Parish, become part of that Parish community, give the Pastor a chance to know you are a stable practicing faithful Catholic.

You can imagine how it looks - like one of those girls who only cares about pretty wedding photos.

Schedule a sit down meeting - if Msgr has said no, he may not change his mind. Perhaps you could take the time between now and next year to get involved with the Parish?
 
kage_ar said:
Hindsight is 20/20. Seems you should have placed your membership at the Cathedral Parish, become part of that Parish community, give the Pastor a chance to know you are a stable practicing faithful Catholic.

You can imagine how it looks - like one of those girls who only cares about pretty wedding photos.

Schedule a sit down meeting - if Msgr has said no, he may not change his mind. Perhaps you could take the time between now and next year to get involved with the Parish?
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Hmm, I thought you couldn’t pick any church just based on prettiness. I mean, don’t you have to register?

I see what you mean, but it’s hard for me to empathize with Msgr. I’ve been attending the pro-life procession and going to Mass there as much as possible for almost 5 years now. My sister is in the choir there. Lifelong friends are faithful parishioners. Argh, I do hope I can work out something with him even if it’s not for a year or two.
 
Yup, it was what I feared. Monsignor refused to marry us on our date. He said a date (3 weeks later) will work fine though.

:confused:

😦

The guy is a smart cookie and has been with the Church for a long time, so I guess is the growing up part where you learn you don’t get what you want.

Although what I really want to do is sue his secretary for assuring me I was good to go…I’ve dropped a thousand dollars total on the deposit for the reception and the invitations. :eek:
 
hasikelee said:
Yup, it was what I feared. Monsignor refused to marry us on our date. He said a date (3 weeks later) will work fine though.

:confused:

😦

The guy is a smart cookie and has been with the Church for a long time, so I guess is the growing up part where you learn you don’t get what you want.

Although what I really want to do is sue his secretary for assuring me I was good to go…I’ve dropped a thousand dollars total on the deposit for the reception and the invitations. :eek:
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Well then, why not recoup your losses by getting married during the Christmas season when the church is all decorated already 👍

Edit to add: Your attitude about this major disappointment is great! I can imagine how many brides would be screaming and throwing hissy-fits at such news!
 
CatholicSam said:
Well then, why not recoup your losses by getting married during the Christmas season when the church is all decorated already 👍

Edit to add: Your attitude about this major disappointment is great! I can imagine how many brides would be screaming and throwing hissy-fits at such news!
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Yeah, well don’t think too highly of me. I still want to sue his secretary. Haha. Although I guess that would be wrong because it would actually be suing the diocese.

That’s similar to suing the school system. Hahaha.

A Christmas wedding would be beautiful, but I had so wanted to get married that weekend in November. It was Our Lady’s feast day and right in between our parents’ anniversaries. I’ve had this day in mind since he proposed lol. 😦
 
When God grants our prayers remember he does it in his own time, and not our time. You can’t know why he wants you to get married later until you do it. Mostly its a blessing the way I see it. And good for both your souls to bear this cross. I shall pray for you!
 
Okay, well I talked to df and we agreed to give this one more shot. We’re going to pray a novena and ask Msgr to reconsider at the end of the 9days.

It’s in His hands now. I figure if Msgr stands firm, maybe we just need to extend this another year. It’s getting tiring to keep doing this, though, lol!
 
hasikelee said:
Okay, well I talked to df and we agreed to give this one more shot. We’re going to pray a novena and ask Msgr to reconsider at the end of the 9days.

It’s in His hands now. I figure if Msgr stands firm, maybe we just need to extend this another year. It’s getting tiring to keep doing this, though, lol!
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This doesn’t sound like a good idea! You are willing to put off being married for another whole year simply to get ‘the date’ you’ve been thinking about??

I assure you, the actual date of your wedding doesn’t matter. Being married matters. Within a few years and a few children you will have to mark the calendar to remember the date anyway.

I pray your novena goes well, but it seems like you are still missing the lesson in this.
 
hasikelee said:
Okay, well I talked to df and we agreed to give this one more shot. We’re going to pray a novena and ask Msgr to reconsider at the end of the 9days.

It’s in His hands now. I figure if Msgr stands firm, maybe we just need to extend this another year. It’s getting tiring to keep doing this, though, lol!
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Oh, that’s such a good idea! Also, I would try to make the point with Msgr that if he’s willing to marry you in 3 weeks, why not on the date you have chosen and previously discussed with him? Are the two of you really going to “mature” that much in 3 weeks? :confused: Why is he fine with marrying you in 3 weeks but not on the date you previously set up with him? Good luck! 🙂 Oh, and if you do lose the $1000, maybe they can make it up by not charging a fee for the church or something 🤷 It won’t totally make it up, but it’s something…
 
Another avenue to pursue would be talking to the invitation company. You haven’t had them printed, have you? It’s just a deposit, right? So maybe you can “reschedule” without losing your deposit. Same goes with your reception site. As long as you’re still going to be giving them business around about the time you originally booked, they should be flexible and work with you 🙂
 
CatholicSam said:
Oh, that’s such a good idea! Also, I would try to make the point with Msgr that if he’s willing to marry you in 3 weeks, why not on the date you have chosen and previously discussed with him? Are the two of you really going to “mature” that much in 3 weeks? :confused: Why is he fine with marrying you in 3 weeks but not on the date you previously set up with him? Good luck! 🙂 Oh, and if you do lose the $1000, maybe they can make it up by not charging a fee for the church or something 🤷 It won’t totally make it up, but it’s something…
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Lots of things don’t make sense regarding this situation, but I am putting this down under “God wants me to learn humility.” I can be very anal and tend to get my way. Time for me to learn, lol!

For monsignor, I sense it is very much about my disobedience to the Church. I approached him and asked him to marry us at the 3 month mark. He appears happy that we’re getting married in general but outright refuses to marry us on our chosen date.

Edit to add: We already paid the $1600 for the church and he said it is nonrefundable. I also can’t pursue any monetary refund due to his secretary because her assurances were in person and on the phone…not in paper.
 
hasikelee said:
Lots of things don’t make sense regarding this situation, but I am putting this down under “God wants me to learn humility.” I can be very anal and tend to get my way. Time for me to learn, lol!

For monsignor, I sense it is very much about my disobedience to the Church. I approached him and asked him to marry us at the 3 month mark. He appears happy that we’re getting married in general but outright refuses to marry us on our chosen date.
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Your ticker says it’s 9 months until your wedding day, what’s up with that? 😃 And if I may ask, when is the actual date that you want?

Edit to add: :eek: $1600 to get married? Surely there’s something not right with that! Perhaps you can write to your bishop.
 
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