Meddling mother in law

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Zitabeth said:
I’m so angry but my husband thinks I’m being unreasonable and just hate his mother.
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First of all, I really hope you hear this loud and clear ‘You are NOT unreasonable, you are extremly normal’

Second, to be honest, if I was you, I would hate his mother so this man needs to be grateful for having such a kind wife.

Unfortunately, it is 100% hubby’s responsibility to set the boundaries with MIL. You can only set boundaries with your husband. I don’t know how to do that in a gentle manner but will pray for you
 
Tell him that you do hate his mother. Because she is an obnoxious, controlling pain-in-the-butt, with no boundaries. She doesn’t need to have a “grandma shower”. You’re child will not be left alone with her because she is a toxic freak. Anyway, she can have all the ugly crap she put in your house without your permission, because it’s all coming down and he is going to personally repaint the room the colors you chose. You are going to set boundaries and he is going to expect her to respect them or she won’t be seeing you or your child. There is nothing in the Bible that says you have to be submissive to a witch of a MIL.
 
Wasn’t there any inkling of this before you married?
There are so many things here, I don’t even know where to start.

If you want to stay home after your baby is born, do it. Under no circumstance should you allow your MIL to be the babysitter while you go to work even part time. Why should you work to pay her? That doesn’t make any sense.

You and your husband need marriage counseling now.
 
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Allegra, thank you for putting that so eloquently.
Please accept these extra likes from me. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
 
A case where husband loves his mother as his primary love. Otherwise he wouldn’t let his mother treat his wife like this, always putting his mother before her, regardless of the hurt it causes her and regardless of any of her preferences and needs.

It won’t stop. It will be worse as she claims and rules regarding the child in every way possible, something which she is already doing even before the child is born.

Why do we walk into these traps. It’s a prison where the mother in law is the jailer and the husband holds the keys.

Still in some cultures life is very similar to this for wives.
Perhaps the OP can offer her life as a sacrifice for all the downtrodden women of this world.
Not an existence I’d want for anyone though. Ten, tweny, thirty, forty years of this.

Can only pray for them all.
 
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Surely everything she’s doing is in the spirit of charity. Just tell her you don’t want so much help. I’m sure she’ll understand how you feel.
 
That’s very kind if you, Colonel, but it seems you’ve never dealt with someone like this. The MIL would probably try to call it “charity,” but It’s no such thing. She’s had her son under her thumb his entire life, and now she’s getting her DIL and grandchild lined up.
 
Zitabeth said:
Now she’s having a “grandma shower”. I asked hubs why she needed one, our plan has always been for me to be a stay at home mom, we agreed to this before our engagement even happened. Then hubs told me his mother would watch her part time while I worked, afterall the money I pay her to babysit will really help her out. I don’t even know what to do. I’m so angry but my husband thinks I’m being unreasonable and just hate his mother.
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It is not appropriate for your husband to decide who will watch your child or whether you will work without any (name removed by moderator)ut from you. If she wants to have a tacky Grandma shower and make things about her, roll your eyes and let her. You really need counseling, and to put your foot down and set boundaries with your husband. Start doing what you want, and don’t let your husband steamroll you into these things. Putting his mother’s unreasonable expectations over his own wife’s is completely inappropriate.
 
Exactly.

The OP knew what the dynamic was like between mom and son before they married, and she married anyway (insert advice “do not marry someone expecting them to change”). She allowed her fiancee’s mom to control everything. It sounds harsh, but, our OP now realizes that she bought a ticket on this roller coaster with eyes that were blinded by love.

Now, the marriage has happened, the baby is on the way, and the OP is “woke”.

Sometimes one succeeds in changing the tires while traveling down the highway, but, it is rare. The OP can take a stand, but, it would not surprise me if hubby chooses mom.
 
Again, I will suggest counseling, together, and separately. OP, if your husband won’t go, you need to go, if only to be be heard, and to learn how to be stronger. What your husband and his mom are doing is totally inappropriate. You need to be strong for your child.

Unlike other posters that are suggesting there is nothing you can do because you knew about it when you married him, I say that is rubbish. We would not tell someone whose spouse was an alcoholic when they married to just suck it up. People can be helped through prayer and counseling, but you have to want to go, and to change.
 
Who would devote such time and energy to her family unless she was sincere? Maybe a simple family meeting would clear the whole matter up.
 
Maybe if they sit down over coffee and talk everyone will have a chance to express their feelings.
 
This is the online version of patting the OP on the head and saying “there there, don’t let it bother your pretty little head”.
 
I assure you I’m sincere. I have no doubt communication is the key to resolving the problem. How else can it be solved?
 
TheOldColonel said:
Maybe if they sit down over coffee and talk everyone will have a chance to express their feelings.
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I’m really, really, really doubtful this will work. As someone with a controlling parent, what happens is you have a long talk where a lot of feelings are expressed, and about a week later you realize for all the feelings that went through nothing actually got done other than her making a lot of vague noises and you reassuring her how much she’s loved and wanted and she really isn’t a terrible horrible awful person, that’s not what you meant…yeah, I’ve done that a few times.

Frankly, at this point, she’s far enough over the line that a person who was inclined to be reasonable would already be doing so. I think it’s safe to presume she does not, in fact, want to be reasonable. And controlling people are frequently very good at flipping everything around so that you’re managing to compromise right back to where you started.

People will never understand what they’ve decided not to understand. Pushing too hard to work things out very easily ends up prolonging a situation with someone who is using “working things out” as an excuse to continue bad behavior. If any attempt at working things out were to be made, I would only do it in the presence of a neutral third party, preferably a therapist who is trained specifically on recognizing manipulative behavior.

There really are controlling people out there who want to stay in control. There are parents who think it’s their right to stay involved in their adult children’s lives to whatever degree they choose. They may sincerely think their adult child couldn’t possibly manage without them! They may very well need to see a therapist and work on their own hangups - but that doesn’t mean OP’s marriage is the place to do so.
 
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Colonel, there are some people who are just toxic. Granted, we’re hearing one side of this. But if this is anywhere close to reality, this woman is going to make the OP’s life totally miserable until the day one of them leaves this earth. And to dismiss her fear and misery as “lack of communication” is incredibly unkind, unfair, and unhelpful.
 
@Zitabeth:

I know a lot of people have recommended family counseling, but I might suggest your husband get an individual counselor for himself as well, if he’s open to the idea. Get one for yourself too, or at least do some research on controlling behavior.

Having a controlling parent, I have some idea what it’s like. They can be very good at making you second-guess yourself and think that whatever you’re saying is completely unreasonable, even if an hour before you were sure of yourself. Remember she’s had 2 decades to train him that not doing things her way is bad!

The reason I suggest a counselor for him is to have an objective third party who can explain to him, not just that she’s being controlling, but what she’s doing. (For a personal example, one for me was realizing that her getting upset and crying and going into how she can’t believe I’m being so mean to her and think she’s an awful mother ends up being a way to avoid ever talking about issues.)
 
But, presuming there’s not also an issue of physical abuse or restraint on the part of the husband, the OP has a lot of control over this situation that she’s simply choosing not to use. She doesn’t have to wear a dress she doesn’t like. Even if she picked one to shut the woman up so she could finally go home, she could call back that night and cancel it. Presumably, she has her own car keys. She is free to leave toxic situations. She is free to change the locks on her home. If her husband insists on letting his mother change her home while she is not there, she can change it back. She can make it clear that it will always be changed back because this woman has no right to decorate her home without her permission. She is free to inform the hospital where she delivers that under no circumstances is her MIL allowed to visit her. She can tell the to have security on standby. (They deal with this frequently.) She is even free to file a restraining order, if necessary. She is perfectly free and within her right to protect herself. If her husband is not an idiot, he will not put her in the position to do these things. He will support having appropriate boundaries with his mother. Or he will see the priest or therapist and figure out why he has such a creepy relationship with his mother in the first place. But even if he is an idiot and won’t do what is right for his marriage and family, there is a lot that she can do to protect herself from being abused. But step one is the OP deciding not to be afraid of her husband accusing her of “hating his mother”. Embrace it. His mother is a nasty, abusive person and her distaste for her is completely justified. If and when her behavior changes, she will forgive her and offer another chance. Until then, she will protect herself and her child from the toxicity. If this man-child wants to pitch a fit and go stay with his mother. That’s fine too. If he’s calling himself a Catholic though, he’d better get his behind over to a priest and discuss the concept of “leave and cleave”.
 
Wow. She’s already told her and her husband that her MIL is being inappropriate. They both threw a fit and her husband refused to come home until the OP apologized. They are both being emotionally abusive. Your comment is dismissive, lacking in compassion, and completely not helpful.
 
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