Meddling mother in law

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My worry would be that manipulative people are often very good at taking advantage of when you’re tired and worn down to get you to do things just to make them happy. I wouldn’t want to put OP through the stress of telling her mother she can’t be in the delivery room (especially if she’s trying to interfere with the kid’s name!) while she’s in labor.

Sometimes “taking and demanding” are the right things to do. There are some people where you are either submissive to them, or in a power struggle. And really, it’s not doing the mother any long-term favors to gratify her inappropriate desire for control. It’s like dealing with a child who whines to be given candy before dinner - taking the candy away and telling them they can’t have it and whining won’t get them anywhere isn’t being men, it’s setting an appropriate boundary.
 
Each circumstance is unique to each family. I’m able to be abused and bounce back. OP is frustrated, justifiably. Set control on her not being in DR. If those exercises in growing a relationship w MIL, will work, she’ll pull back happily. Securing insecure scared Mil w a place in new family can secure her in sons new life. MIL HAS BEEN WRONG! She’s out of safe zone.
If OP wants to take on a battle and lose a war, she can. MIL will change in time.
I can live w 2 woman in the same home…
It’s values. It’s self importance. It’s understanding life’s dilemmas. It’s seeing love in all ppl.
I’m stuck w it. It works for me. 50 yrs marriage. All above us are dead. We’re working on it
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice
 
tweedlealice said:
Well, I’m sorry. It is a handful. You have been trying… Congrats. The only way to change it is to embrace her. Take her out to lunch. Let her pick where. Take her baby shopping for clothes. She’ll buy out the store… Keep your heart in as much Christian love as you can. He’ll grace you w His love for her. (God). You married a Mama’s boy. The way to keep the boy happy is to love his Mom.

That doesn’t mean, she gets her way always…
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Having lived with a mother like that, I know how that would go. You’d end up listening to her complain and nitpick your choices for several hours and at the end of the day you end up giving in and doing what she wants just to get her to stop the endless stream of criticism. She walks away learning that your desire to be nice and not get into a power struggle means she can stay in charge if she just pushes hard enough.
tweedlealice said:
Some of those shopping trips, you get to make comments. Training her to let you know. It’s not a rejection of you. YOU ARE GIVING HER HER FIRST GRANDCHILD. Don’t make this a power struggle between you and her.
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But to her mind it is. Again, speaking from personal experience, there’s “giving in” and there’s “rejecting her.” There simply is no in between. If you don’t do things her way, all the time, then to her mind you are rejecting her. That’s probably what she’s trained OP’s husband to think - that not giving her her way all the time is a rejection of her as a person.

Her husband put himself in this situation by getting married. A married man cannot put pleasing his mother over pleasing his wife.

Some people will not change. It is unwise to expect unreasonable people to start being reasonable because you’re trying to work with them. A few will, but it is far more common that the unreasonable person takes it as an invitation to be even more unreasonable because now they’ve learned they can get away with it.
 
Blessings,
You hard core ppl, aren’t giving her any hope. Yes, the husband may have to make it clear, his wife is first. Drawing lines is painful for all. Maybe a victory for OP.
Your experience was that for you. OP may have to travel that road. My suggestions, if they worked and could, was gentler. I feel we needvtime for families to accustome themselves in new role. Plan Z is always there
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice
 
tweedlealice said:
Yes, the husband may have to make it clear, his wife is first.
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I don’t think there’s any “may” about it. He needs to make that clear to his mother. So far, though, he hasn’t shown any signs of putting his wife first.
 
Sometimes hope keeps us too long on a destructive path. I spent many years hurting myself trying to appease and work things out with someone who spoke nicely but didn’t actually want to work things out appropriately. I don’t want OP to go down that path. And I worry that if she starts down that path now, it will be very much harder for her later.

Which is easier, to say “Now that we’re married, I need to be the most important woman in your life, and I’m not ok with your mother butting in?” or “I know I’ve been putting up with it, but now I finally don’t want to do that anymore?” The more enmeshed her mother-in-law becomes in the marriage now, the harder it will be to define proper boundaries in the future. It is far better for her marriage that such things be made clear from the start, than that they be allowed to settle in as the way things have been being done.
 
Angel, theyre just married and she is just pregnant. It can come to good, sometimes. This could be one of the times. He’ll will have to say the words. Pushing and challenging causes all parties to suffer. This man she loves came from his mother. She will be aHoly, Happy GM. There is an easier way than full out war. I have my flaws but some of you are tough. Maybe necessarily. Only a fly on the wall and God knows what happened.
Hope all the hurts healed. Look up St. Francis’s prayer. Lord, make me a instrument of Your peace…
Look up SERENITY PRAYER.
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice
 
Blessings,
She has my permission to do what she needs to do. She needs to feel cherished through her pregnancy. Her husband should make that announcement to his Mom.
I can’t judge your lives or decisions. We all just struggle to survive.
What if all MIL needs to hear from OP IS: I NEED YOU MOM. This is your grandbaby and I’m feeling shaky. This is your son’s child. We all need to care for her…
Anyway, I’ll go back to my upside down world on the other side of the looking glass.
Alice in Wonderland, OVER AND! OUT
Lord, heal everyone’s hurts and bad/sad memories. There is always one moment of good. Let them remrmber it. We are a trying. Help us be You in a crazy, cruel world.
Forgive us our sins and pour Hour mercy down on us.
Look up St Francis of Assissi’s prayer and the Serenity prayer.
In Jesus name
Amen
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice
 
tweedlealice said:
What if all MIL needs to hear from OP IS: I NEED YOU MOM. This is your grandbaby and I’m feeling shaky. This is your son’s child. We all need to care for her…
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Usually, my problem was that my mother would hear that whether I was saying it or not. She would hear how much I needed her and she had to be right there, even when I was perfectly capable of managing on my own and she was causing more harm than good. Saying “I need you” is basically waving a giant red flag to start with even more inappropriate behavior, because you’ve just admitted that you can’t handle it on your own.

The truth is, in the natural order of things, independent adults do not need their parents. They love and cherish them, but they don’t need them. I’m sure if MIL decided to move to Germany and only call once a year, the new family would find a way to manage. In healthy families, parents celebrate this! It lets a whole new dimension of the relationship open up, when the parent is wanted even when they’re not necessary. But some parents refuse to ever believe that their adult children could possibly manage on their own, and they’re always swooping in to “fix” things if allowed.

I would say in a case like this - OP’s best chance is to be able to talk to her husband, and have them both tell his mother, “I know you love us and are excited for your grandchild, but we’re the new parents here! That means we get to decide what to name our child and how to decorate in our house and things like that. We’ll let you know when we could use a hand!” If MIL says that something should be done otherwise, say “thanks for the suggestion!” and leave it at that. If she cries or throws a fit, leave her alone until she’s over it - otherwise she learns that getting upset means she gets her way. (It can be very like dealing with a toddler in that regard.) And change the locks…
 
All that is true, also. i’ll believe in miracles snd fairy tales, first.
Reality is always there.
God bless you
Tweedlealice
 
Many traditional fairies led their victims off cliffs or into swamps and quicksand chasing a fairy tale.

OP doesn’t have to close the door entirely on her MIL. What she needs to do is coordinate with her husband (preferably with a counselor) on how MIL interacts with them. A polite smile and “thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut, but we’ve decided to do X after all!” and then don’t let themselves be argued down. Look up the broken record technique.
 
My MIL crossed the line once years ago and I walked out of a family dinner. She had herself a little fit and pity party, but she learned she wasn’t going to get anywhere with me that way and we haven’t had any trouble since. I don’t take that crap off my own over-controlling mother, nor my slightly batty step-mother, I’m sure as heck not taking it off of someone else’s mother! Sometimes, you can set all the boundaries in the world but the person is just too toxic to be around, but it doesn’t sound as if the OP has even given it much of a try yet. Sometimes it’s just a case of no one’s ever put her in her place before. She only has one kid and it seems like would rather have confrontation with his own wife than his mother. I think it’s worth a shot to simply tell her “no”, mean it, and go on with the day. It might be that with a little practice, she learns to take “no” for an answer.
 
Yeah, I didn’t mean to be overstating. But for OP’s sake, I wouldn’t make the first time that MIL gets a firm no be when they’re heading to the delivery room!

The nursery might be a good place to take a stand. Tell her “thanks for thinking of us, but it doesn’t really work with our decor, so we’ll be repainting.” Smile, and act like this a completely normal, natural action. Don’t treat it as a fight - treat it as of course she’ll understand!

I think the usual book recommendation of Boundaries by Cloud Townsend is a good one here.
 
AWW COME ON! The negativity in this place is overwhelming. Mine are happy loving fairies and good angels that help w miracles.
God, bring light into this s darkness.
In Jesus name
Tweedlealice
 
And that’s cool! Together is best.
After prayer and Godly Counsel.
Tweedlealice
 
I can say that we feel for the OP here about her mother in law. It’s one of major problems in marriage. Solving it is difficult but if we know the objective that we want, then it would be clearer on what to do.

Consider some of these:

Marriage is for better and for worse. When times are good, there’s no problem, only when it’s bad, and that’s where strong mature wisdom is called for, always looking ahead in what is to come.

Each spouse will bring with him/her baggages. Not all will be bed of roses.

The idea of setting boundary also come with wanting a territory; a castle where one is king and queen. Have to be careful about that.

Marrying a spouse is most likely marrying his/her idiosyncracies. One is no more single and letting go is a sacrifice.

Those are some of the realities of marriage, which obviously called for big responsibility.

Losing identity and the ‘I’ privileges can be prices of marriages. The idea is how we can be happy in all that. What is the Christian teaching on all these that can help the couples? Those may be the things to look out for because human solutions will not help the couple in the marriage.

God bless.
 
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Regarding delivery, we were able to keep unwelcome visitors away by simply not calling anyone until after the baby was born and I was up to seeing them.

Granted, I could trust my husband to honor my wishes; but, if you can convince him that it will be more comfortable, modest, relaxing, sanitary, whatever would appeal to his sensibilities at least it would get you through labor and delivery.

He doesn’t even have to tell her she can’t come. Just don’t call on the way to the hospital. Ideally we’d want him to have a real conversation but you might have to take baby steps to get him to cut the apron strings.
 
So far, everybody seems to get along with the Old Colonel. Good luck with your work.
 
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