Meddling mother in law

  • Thread starter Thread starter Zitabeth
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I don’t disagree with you. I have many domineering Italian mothers in my family tree as well as sons that try to appease them. Heck, I probably am one or at least on my way to becoming one. 😉

The thing is those domineering ladies are that way because they have SO MUCH they want to give that they truly don’t get they are being obnoxious. I’m lucky, my MIL had 4 children and was on her 8th grandchild before DH and I married, her attention gets spread around.

OP doesn’t have that luxury; she’s going to have to figure out how to navigate this in a way that appeals to her husband without alienating mom. She has to find ways to say yes, ways to direct the giving, so that MIL feels needed. Then when she needs her husband to run interference he will do so because he knows his wife loves his mom and give him a why that makes sense to him.

I told my husband, “If your mother sees my vagina you never will again.” Crass, perhaps, but effective. BUT, I also let her buy baby furniture (babies are going to chew it up anyway), scheduled a 3D ultrasound she could come to, didn’t say a peep over the gaggle of ladies no one knew but her she invited to the baby shower… She felt loved and she did not see my lady bits.

Was she peeved when she found out 8 hrs after the birth… yes… but then she held the baby and it was forgotten.

The other thing, being direct isn’t necessarily done out of cruelty. I’ve heard her ask my husband if he had cancer because he lost weight or that he’s looking fat. It’s out of love but with the WORST delivery. You have to have self confidence or it will tear you up.
 
My point is, a lot of times people chasing hope that someone else will change their behavior is often leading themselves into a worse situation by getting further entangled with someone who doesn’t want to change. There’s also the husband to consider. If OP acts like it’s ok for a while and appeases his mother, her husband (who already seems to be under her thumb) is much more likely to come to see that as, not just the way things have been, but the way things should be. So if she does push back later, it’s going to be much harder to convince him that there’s a real issue because “you’ve always been ok with it, why is it suddenly an issue now?”

I’m not suggesting being mean or cruel to her MIL - but to make it clear that the new couple gets to make choices for their marital life and for their children. MIL is permitted to give advice, but she’s not permitted to make choices for other adults, or for the minor children of other adults. It sounds to me like she already knows OP is upset, but thinks it’s not a big deal, or it’s just OP being difficult. Sometimes putting your foot down and saying sorry, this is how it is, works.
Reuben_J said:
Losing identity and the ‘I’ privileges can be prices of marriages. The idea is how we can be happy in all that. What is the Christian teaching on all these that can help the couples? Those may be the things to look out for because human solutions will not help the couple in the marriage.
Click to expand...
We are human though. Human solutions and human psychology have much to offer. The husband is supposed to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. What we have here is a failure to do that - cleaving to his mother at the expense of his wife. More generally, children are supposed to grow up into independent adults who take responsibility for their own lives, not remain dependent on parents forever. Nor should parents attempt to artificially extend their sphere of authority.

I would imagine if she feels free to make these sorts of decisions, she would feel free also to make decisions about how her grandchild ought to be raised. That is not something parents can allow without abdicating their own responsibilities to their children. Nor is it proper to put up with her acting like she ought to be in control of their marriage.

People get the idea that Christians ought to be doormats. Treating people with charity doesn’t mean giving them what they want all the time, especially if what they want is inappropriate. I doubt it’s good for the mother to be this overinvolved in any case.
TheOldColonel said:
So far, everybody seems to get along with the Old Colonel. Good luck with your work.
Click to expand...
Sometimes that’s fortune. If I had focused on getting along, I wouldn’t be Catholic.
 
I agree with all you have said. The principle of leaving and cleaving and the two shall become one - the basic of Christian marriage.

That should be the ideal situation where the newly married couple make the decision in their life.

And that’s the principle I was trying to say, if you read my post carefully and the gist of its thrust.

If we hold to a principle, and in which I suggested, then action taken should be using all Jesus has to say. I hope you see what I mean.

Now about the OP. There’s no use wanting to change the MIL but rather what’s the right thing the couple should do.

The husband is very much in the picture, as long as they still want this marriage. You see what I mean?

I would suggest first of all, the OP has to see the new reality of her family now. Where is the position of the MIL in that context? The husband has a lot to say about that.

If I am to counsel the OP, I would say she see the MIL as part of her family, as her mom, someone she would respect and possibly later on, to take care of. The MIL is not getting any younger

The OP should be the one to make the decision, everything in her house, of course in collaboration with the husband.

In some little things which would not make any difference, she can allow the MIL to have her way. eg. What’s so big deal if the MIL want to decorate baby room?

But if the MIL wants to choose the child’s school which the couple do not want, she should always say, “No, mom. We have decided to send her to this/that school.”

You see, that’s the idea - making decisions. Things like FB or suggesting baby’s name is small thing. Ultimately she (OP) will decide on the name. But she still has to accept the fact that MIL will be part of her life now, if anything, but because of her husband.

It would be quite selfish, though quite ideal of course, not to have MIL around to suggest things.

Just like our mother - she could have all the suggestions, nag and being fussy, yet we tolerate her around - because she is mom. And if we are wise, it does not mean that we follow everything she says. We make tje decision.

MIL can be like that. We just need to love and forgive her. Focus on the things that really matter and decide on the things that are peripheral.

God bless.
 
Last edited:
If your husband does not put a stop to this it’s ok for you to do so, op.

This issue is about control and your MIL fear of being left out of things and fear of being cut off from her sons life. you already know this.☺️

I would offer replacement acceptable things she can do, and keep her so busy with these other things that she leaves the important meaningful things alone. I would make a very very long list
to keep her otherwise occupied.

If she truly wants to be helpful this is one way of doing so with you in control of it. As a matter of fact you can compile the list with your husband.
Personally I would always present her with alternative thing to do each time.

I agree with the posters that say to exchange, change and redo things to your liking when she over steps her bounds, say thank you, be polite but be assertive with her.

God Bless you.🌸
 
Reuben_J said:
In some little things which would not make any difference, she can allow the MIL to have her way. eg. What’s so big deal if the MIL want to decorate baby room?
Click to expand...
The worry is that by giving in on small things, MIL learns the lesson that if she pushes hard enough she can get her way - leading to a bigger battle later on down the line.
 
That should not arise as the couple are the ones who make decision ultimately. The only way they let her is if they agree with her and not the other way round.

Being suspicous and paranoid on what would happen is unhealthy in a relationship because it involves presumption.
 
I am not saying that they allow her to decide on the baby room decor, only that it is not such a big deal. I would be glad if some one wants to do it.

We had many children and in earlier part of our marriage, help was greatly needed in looking after the babies as both of us were working. Luckily we had both in-laws. We were able to use them for a period of time to look after the small children and to send them to school until they were bigger and we were more self-sufficient.
 
Reuben_J said:
Being suspicous and paranoid on what would happen is unhealthy in a relationship because it involves presumption.
Click to expand...
The worry a lot of us have is that being too optimistic can also lead to being very badly hurt. Not being suspicious enough can lead to marriage and children being harmed because MIL is allowed to push in too far, because she’s being given too much understanding for her behavior.

It’s worth pointing out, she didn’t just make suggestions on the nursery. She actually went into their house and painted. When she knew they’d made a different decision, she took an action on her own to override that decision. That is not a thing that would even cross the mind of a reasonable person as an option. It’s not paranoia to think a dog that’s growling and snapping is likely to bite. She’s giving off every sign that she’s willing to unilaterally override the parents’ decisions if she doesn’t like them. She doesn’t want to be treated as a dangerous person, she shouldn’t act like one.
 
Then they should not allow her to paint the room. The principle is the same - the couple make the decision.

But the husband has to be involved in this.

The other option is to move away to another city, far away from the MIL, if situation allows. If they have that plan, it can be something to look forward to.
 
This is absolutely the best way, presuming the husband has an iota of self-control. We have a step-mother who is obnoxious in any medical setting. She takes pictures of people in hospital beds and posts them to the internet. She harasses the nurses about why they haven’t brought in any heated blankets. She asks a million questions that are none of her business and tells everyone that she “works in nursing” and knows all about fill-in-the-blank when she’s actually a CNA in a physical therapy center. That kind of stuff. Of course, she was expecting to be invited into the delivery room when my sister and I had our babies. We made a pact that whichever of us had a baby first would not tell her or my dad until the baby was delivered. My sis had a C-section, so we didn’t tell them for almost 24 hours! She wanted to tell my dad, but in her condition, she really couldn’t deal with the rise in blood pressure.
 
I don’t know. I’ve interacted with a LOT of Italian mothers and I’ve never heard of one that demanded to be allowed to choose the baby’s middle name. Sure, they have opinions on the name you choose! But they don’t usually expect to be allowed to pick the name themselves! This situation seems to go a little bit beyond the Italian style of loudly over-sharing opinions or concerns. This MIL actually expects the right to make demands and have them followed!
 
Good advice, assuming husband learns to support saying “no” when they do say “no”, and depending on MIL’s ability to cope once that actually happens. I have to disagree that decorating the baby’s room is a “small thing”. Buying a lamp that matches the décor is a “small thing”. Painting the name the couple chose on little wooden letters to hang on the door is a “small thing”. It’s really important to most women to prepare the place where their first baby is going to sleep. It is a helpful strategy to figure out what you’re okay with MIL doing and ask them to do that thing early on to keep her out of the business they don’t want her in.
 
I agree with you. I am a husband and a father, so certain thing does not figure very high on our list. What I am trying to say, the wife also has to understand the man as well. I know that is not easy. As my earlier post suggested, lots of sacrifices and giving in are required in a marriage.

It would be easier to accept difficult things if we understand the background. Sometimes, like I said, certain thing does not really matter other than personal preferences. Those things perhaps are not worth to die for, for the sake of a greater good in the marriage.

The OP had chosen the only son in the marriage. This kind of set up is not easy. There are ‘only sons’ who felt great responsibility and indebtedness to their parents, they are torn between the wife and their parents. So this could be some of the background as reason for the weak husband.

You will break the husband if he has to choose. Now, that’s not saying he is right, just the difficulty. Any counselor would try to save the marriage first rather than appeasing the personal preferences of the spouses.

Thus from that, it is obvious that a spouse would have to give up many things in a marriage. Of course those problems should be expected before tying the knot.
 
I’d reiterate my suggestion to have him go to individual counseling, if amenable. As the only child of a controlling parent, there are a lot of ways to make black seem white. It helps to have other people explain many of those to you. A parent can easily make your head spin, even when you were sure before talking to them of the right choice.
 
I agree. It doesn’t sound like the OP is against accommodating MIL’s desire to be part of their life. In fact, I think most would say she’s been more than accommodating. However, there’s a big difference between giving some sort of indulgence and having it taken from you. Sneaking into their home when they’re out of town in order to try to force them to accept her color preferences in a room in THEIR house is a tremendous violation. Unlike saying, “I was wondering if you’d let me help you paint the baby’s room.” Demanding to be in the delivery room is just creepy. Demanding to be allowed to choose the baby’s middle name is enough to make me research how one goes about getting a restraining order. (You know, just in case.)
 
Last edited:
I’d bet you a Sonic Milkshake that this makeover was planned between MIL and hubby. The only sneaking was to ambush our OP.
 
Sonic Milkshakes taste like frozen mayonnaise, but I’ll take a cranberry limeade! If you’re right though, it should be HIM that takes his pitiful rear end and paints it properly, removes the offending linen, and of course gets rid of the death-trap three decade old crib which probably is a drop side with peeling lead paint.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top