Meeting Mean Kids in Youth Groups at Church

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Hello everyone šŸ™‚ How are you? I donā€™t know how to say this, but I am a part of some youth groups at my local Catholic Churches, and sometimes I meet other people in the youth group who are not nice or welcomingā€¦ I feel so disappointed. I know that sometimes I can misunderstand or misinterpret or be too sensitive, but I can feel it by the way they treat me. Even Saint Faustina was bullied constantly in the convent by other nuns and priests (read Diary paragraphs 181 and 272).


I feel so lonely, and I donā€™t have good friendsā€¦ any suggestions?

I was listening to a priest talk about how he had to go to confession to a priest whom he didnā€™t really like or get a long with, but that confession turned out to be one of the best confessions in his life. I just kind of felt uncomfortable listening to a priest tell us that he didnā€™t like another priest.

We treat one another so badly, itā€™s disgusting.
 
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Have you had a good sit down talk with the Youth Minister? Iā€™d start there.
 
I am sad that you feel this way. I work at a large parish in Religious Ed and have many years of experience of working with kids of all ages. My easy answer is that perceptions are not always reality. Hopefully the mean kids are not really mean, but their way of doing and saying things is not striking you right and I hope you can find other kids that you fit in with. I know a young man that has a strong faith, comes from a good family and is a an overall really neat kid. I got to know him after his dad called me after class when he came home upset. That day they were discussing the story of Abraham and Issac where Issac was close to being sacrificed. It really upset him. It is a wonderful story that is central to our faith - and it upsets some people. We all perceive things differently.

Good luck!
 
Some suggestions:
  1. Please speak to the Youth Minister if you are feeling unwelcome or bullied or otherwise treated badly in the group. They may be able to take some positive steps.
  2. Be extra nice to the people who are mean to you. Show them by example how a good Catholic should behave. You donā€™t have to be a doormat, but always be polite and kind even when you are politely and kindly telling someone his response to you is inappropriate.
  3. Remember that there are mean people everywhere, and that kids are often ā€œmeanā€ because of poor training at home or because they are frustrated with something in their own lives and taking it out on others. Some might not even want to be in the Youth Group, maybe their parents make them go.
 
I am a Core member in the Edge program, and a youth in the Life Teen program. If the teens you mention are directly mean to you in any way, tell the youth minister. He or she is always there to help, and will definitely help you feel better. The youth minister may have a talk with said teens if itā€™s really serious.
 
Iā€™m sorry for your pain. Life hurts at times and people are mean sometimes. It happens. Itā€™s a fallen world and we are all sinners. Jesus said to forgive our enemies and do good to those who persecute you. We all have ample opportunity every day to turn the other cheek and show charity to others. Weā€™re to offer these crosses up to align our suffering with Christ. These challenges can build a closer relationship with God if you use them for your own sanctification. Also, pray for your enemies and pray for kind people to come into your life to build edifying friendships. May God Bless You.
 
Okay, this could have been written by one of our teens. Well, unless our program has changed considerably.

There were various cliques in our teen group. And if you didnā€™t fit in, it was like playing dodge ball. Never being chosen for the team, zingers thrown at you all evening. The youth minister didnā€™t see the problem, and wouldnā€™t see it.

It got bad enough to be brought to the pastor. And we were told that those poor children are the ones that need the group the most. And that the ā€œniceā€ kids had other outlets.

That was when I pulled my teen from the program.

Iā€™m sorry that this is happening. I truly hope that your youth minister or pastor can help you.
 
Yeah, I didnā€™t want to raise the possibility that the youth minister might not do much of anything, but it happens. Sometimes leaders and teachers are willfully blind to whatever meanness and bullying are going on, or they donā€™t see it as a big problem even when a kid is being seriously hurt emotionally or physically.

OP, if you ask for help and donā€™t receive it I would seriously consider just leaving the youth group. But donā€™t write off all youth groups. Many other ones are nice.
 
I had a somewhat similar experience years ago, and while with maybe one exception the kids werenā€™t outright mean, they were distinctly unfriendly and unwelcoming, which I thought (and still do think) is weird in a Catholic youth group! Looking back on it, I think it was because A. we didnā€™t have much in the way of shared interests (I was a book worm, interested in science fiction, contemptuous of sports) and they were just ā€˜normalā€™ suburbanites and B. for some reason nobody there went to my school, where I was at least reasonably well liked, so I was an unknown quantity, social hierarchy wise (and kids are very hierarchical).

As for what to do about it, I guess it depends how much you want to fit in with that crowd. Your best bet would be to find out what theyā€™re interested in, learn about it and show them that you know about and appreciate those things. That might get their attention. Not sure itā€™s worth going to all that trouble though. Another possibility is cultivate friendships with the few who are nice and ignore the rest of them. I personally am not interested in being friends with people who canā€™t be bothered to get to know me - I guess I havenā€™t changed that much!

A third possibility would be to regard the whole thing dispassionately as a fascinating social experiment - that might be hard to pull off though.
 
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Teens in our current age seem to have far fewer social graces than teens in years gone past. It used to be that kids were taught at home simple manners, to introduce themselves in social situations, to engage ā€œthe newcomerā€ in conversation, etc.

Sure, there were boors and rude kids, but, they were the exception.

I am not sure why we stopped teaching our kids basic manners.

These are your Catholic peers, the people you will serve on parish committees with someday, your future spouse may be in that room! Perhaps you could suggest some ā€œice breakersā€ to the adult volunteers?
 
Are the kids mean as inā€¦insulting you, eye rolling or snerking?

Or mean as inā€¦you had hoped to expand your social network, but youā€™re not invited to stuff outside youth group days and hours?

Neither one is fun, but they have different causes and different strategies will be needed.
 
IDK. Many other kids and teens were nasty to me in the cliquish, ā€œMean Girlsā€ sense 40 to 50 years ago. I was taught by my mother to stand up to them, ignore them, do my own thing, laugh it off etc so I rarely felt bullied. But there are a lot of nasty people of all ages out there, if they think you donā€™t fit into their clique. My mother was busy dealing with their parents who served in various parish functions, and many of those people werenā€™t exactly pleasant either.
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
IDK. Many other kids and teens were nasty to me in the cliquish, ā€œMean Girlsā€ sense 40 to 50 years ago. I was taught by my mother to stand up to them, ignore them, do my own thing, laugh it off etc so I rarely felt bullied. But there are a lot of nasty people of all ages out there, if they think you donā€™t fit into their clique. My mother was busy dealing with their parents who served in various parish functions, and many of those people werenā€™t exactly pleasant either.
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Iā€™ve had many woman post about ā€œmean girlsā€ in school, today.

But they have forgotten that they were the ā€œmean girlsā€ back in the day.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
IDK. Many other kids and teens were nasty to me in the cliquish, ā€œMean Girlsā€ sense 40 to 50 years ago. I was taught by my mother to stand up to them, ignore them, do my own thing, laugh it off etc so I rarely felt bullied. But there are a lot of nasty people of all ages out there, if they think you donā€™t fit into their clique. My mother was busy dealing with their parents who served in various parish functions, and many of those people werenā€™t exactly pleasant either.
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I agree - there were plenty of unpleasant young people back in the day. It might have been worse, even.
 
I think most people have their moments of being mean. The kid who is always low man on the totem pole will often seize an opportunity, even if itā€™s just a couple times, to turn around and do to someone else what was done to him. There are exceptions, but they are rare. Also, a lot of ā€œmeanā€ behavior is done outside the view of parents, teachers etc and they are totally unaware of it sometimes.

Not excusing it but itā€™s part of life. I wish I could say that I, having dealt with people being mean to me, was always nice and patient with others, but while I try, I sometimes miss the mark.
 
Yes, I called the ā€œboorsā€, ā€œMean Girlsā€ is another term. These have existed since the beginning of time.

If a youth minister is allowing the ā€œmean girlsā€ to run the youth group, this needs to be brought to the attention of the pastor and the Diocese office of youth ministry.
 
True. Itā€™s almost like all you need to know about human behavior you can learn by observing some non-human primates for a while.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
My cats are about as bad as the primates.
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Yeah, I wouldnā€™t even bother trying to persuade a cat to be kind or nice - at least not to a bird or another cat. My aquarium fish are pretty mean to each other, too.
 
sonoftherosary said:
I just kind of felt uncomfortable listening to a priest tell us that he didnā€™t like another priest.

We treat one another so badly, itā€™s disgusting.
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Everyone by nature will like some people much less than they do others. Some personalities click, but others just repel each other. That priest chose to make his peace with the other priest through humility. Donā€™t be too pessimistic. Most people consider themselves to be ā€˜a good person.ā€™ Obviously, this does not mean that they are a good person, but what it means is that they are not purposefully malicious.
 
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