Meeting the GF's parents

[PolarGuy]

Hating on the Midwest?!?

Hating on crooked politicians…or the cast of Jersey Shore…that’s understandable.

The Midwest? The breadbasket of the nation? By West Coasters?? That’s just…so wrong.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Gotta say – I would not go under the “terms” that seem to be in place (staying in their home and being reliant on them for transportation too). You will be completely riven unto people who seem harsh; controlling; and who seem already inclined to dislike you, all the harder if you are introverted and maybe a bit anxious to begin with.

Some thoughts:

1. A hotel room and a rental car are better choices as they let you retain a great deal more control over your situation. A burgeoning fight can be defused with, “I’d like to put gas in the rental car;” you can come and go as you please; you can offer to go pick up bagels or whatever; etc. I am a huge proponent of “keeping control of your environment.” You will lose all control over your environment if you stay in their home and need to rely on them for basic transportation too. Further, “I’m getting a hotel and a car” is a subtle way of saying “I’m an adult and a professional and I’m in charge of this visit, not you.” It also let you get some alone time with GF which they may be opposed to.

1a. Without a car – what will you do when dad starts an argument with you? Says something unkind to you? To GF? You will have no option other than to either defend yourself (and it’ll be like 8 against 1; see below) or grin and bear it.

1. I am inclined to dislike the whole family from the outset: The parents sound like rigid nasties and “adult kids who live at home and do odd jobs” sound like complete ne’er-do-wells. The parents sound like they run a little fiefdom and expect and get complete fealty from the loser kids. GF sounds like the achiever and she’s sort of fled. Although I agree with Xantippe on almost all things, I disagree over 1 item: You can absolutely expect to be the center of all their attention and I mean all their collective attention. Heck, something like this may never have happened before for them.
2. The parents seem inclined to dislike you. I’m sorry but that seems a reality. So…why be so reliant on them?

If you want to get a hotel and a car, by all means go, and otherwise I’d second Xantippe’s post.

Yes, the GF was the achiever. The rest…well, one fled and isn’t on speaking terms, but she doesn’t really work. Another brother got kicked-out because, due to the fact he’s 23 and works part-time, he came home late from partying frequently and that touched his mother’s last nerve. So he and another brother live with a bunch of dudes in a rented house in the next neighborhood over and I don’t know what they do for day-jobs.

And yes, I’ll be the center of attention. Some siblings met me, and one already disliked me because she’s a die-hard Republican (she works as some sort of volunteer coordinator for them) and I’m not (nor am I a Democrat…) and was rather rude. I’m the “imported” BF from the Midwest. They already tease my GF mercilessly and they have sent me messages on her phone (which they apparently stole from her), pretending to be her.

The “fiefdom” comment is rather accurate, especially if you heard the stories about the complete lack of freedom and rigid childhood they had to endure. Imagine the (Hollywood) VonTrapps before Maria, without singing, schooling outside of the home, or governesses. And they could only socialize with a few other children, who also were homeschooled and friends of the parents.

The GF sent me a text today stating it’s gotten “serious” out there. I’m awaiting her reply to my question, asking me to elaborate.

 

[Millie123]

I’m not discounting your girlfriends stories about her family. But I think you should err on the side of charity towards these people until you meet them in person. Even i had the capacity to make my own mother sound like Hilda the wicked witch of the west…it wasn’t through age, marriage, motherhood that I started to view my mother with more charitable lenses…

Anyways it is your gf who is setting the tone of this trip for you…and it is concerning that she is making these decisions for you without discussing them with you. She has made the unilateral decision for you to come…and she has made the unilateral decision for you to stay in her parents house without transportation. The way this trip is presented to you by your girlfriend…
It is perfectly understandable that your anxiety is increasing. With the current terms that your girlfriend has placed upon your trip I wouldn’t feel comfortable about it either. Discuss your concerns and anxieties with your girlfriend and don’t accept her explanation that she has arranged everything without discussing it with you…that it is not good in either a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or even a marriage, if that is the type of relationship that you guys are heading for. Under these current conditions that your girlfriend has set on you for meeting her family I myself would probably not accept the invitation as it is being presented

 

[newf]

I sure hope you get a hotel and a rental car.

Also, for a gift, you can bring a box of candy to the parents or pick up some flowers.

 

[Xantippe]

1. I am inclined to dislike the whole family from the outset: The parents sound like rigid nasties and “adult kids who live at home and do odd jobs” sound like complete ne’er-do-wells. The parents sound like they run a little fiefdom and expect and get complete fealty from the loser kids. GF sounds like the achiever and she’s sort of fled. Although I agree with Xantippe on almost all things, I disagree over 1 item: You can absolutely expect to be the center of all their attention and I mean all their collective attention. Heck, something like this may never have happened before for them.
2. The parents seem inclined to dislike you. I’m sorry but that seems a reality. So…why be so reliant on them?

I think the attention thing can go two different ways:

1. the family just carries on with their stuff and the OP feels excluded (my version)
2. the family slowly rotisseries the OP the whole visit (Polar Guy’s version)

It’s a bit of a toss-up which way it will go, but probably they’ll do whatever they did to the last boyfriend that visited. Either way–have a CAR and make it a short, sweet visit.

I agree that the OP needs to expect hostility, maybe even lots of hostility. I’ve been there, done that, and I can’t tell you how bizarre it feels when you know you’ve tried really hard and you’re actually a decent person and not the monster the prospective in-laws see you as, but everything you do is seen as being wrong and a sign of bad character.

A few other thoughts:

1. Pack a few small snacks just in case (it is kind of awkward raiding the fridge in a strange house and an unfamiliar meal schedule can be taxing–I’ve traveled with relatives that seemingly ate once or twice a day). This may sound petty, but it’s hard to keep up your morale and good manners when half-starved.
2. How about some therapy for the girlfriend to talk about family stuff? If you guys get engaged, I think you should plan on doing some extra therapy together to figure out a plan of action for dealing with her (and perhaps your) family. There’s a lot of stuff I wish I had done differently with my in-laws in the early days, and a therapist will have some good suggestions.

I would also suggest skimming through the archives at Captain Awkward for advice on dealing with parents and in-laws. She’s super secular, but good advice is good advice, no matter what. This probably isn’t the most relevant of her posts, but you can see the method–she gives people scripts to use with difficult people.

captainawkward.com/2015/11/29/802-my-dad-insists-on-talking-to-me-in-baby-talk-i-am-30/

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

I’m not discounting your girlfriends stories about her family. But I think you should err on the side of charity towards these people until you meet them in person. Even i had the capacity to make my own mother sound like Hilda the wicked witch of the west…it wasn’t through age, marriage, motherhood that I started to view my mother with more charitable lenses…

Anyways it is your gf who is setting the tone of this trip for you…and it is concerning that she is making these decisions for you without discussing them with you. She has made the unilateral decision for you to come…and she has made the unilateral decision for you to stay in her parents house without transportation. The way this trip is presented to you by your girlfriend…
It is perfectly understandable that your anxiety is increasing. With the current terms that your girlfriend has placed upon your trip I wouldn’t feel comfortable about it either. Discuss your concerns and anxieties with your girlfriend and don’t accept her explanation that she has arranged everything without discussing it with you…that it is not good in either a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or even a marriage, if that is the type of relationship that you guys are heading for. Under these current conditions that your girlfriend has set on you for meeting her family I myself would probably not accept the invitation as it is being presented

Right.

If you guys are discerning marriage, then your decision-making process should be more and more resembling that of the married couple you want to be. (But I don’t know how to phrase that to your girlfriend without putting too much pressure on your relationship.)

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

1. How about some therapy for the girlfriend to talk about family stuff? If you guys get engaged, I think you should plan on doing some extra therapy together to figure out a plan of action for dealing with her (and perhaps your) family. There’s a lot of stuff I wish I had done differently with my in-laws in the early days, and a therapist will have some good suggestions.

Oh my. I have urged her to seek a counselor for some time now. She has admitted to me that her family is trying to control her life and appears to want to bring her back to the West Coast. I told her it’s best to talk to a family counselor about these things, so she can get tools and reinforcement to help her deal with them. She just falls to pieces amid sobbing and being unable to express herself when she talks to me about her family.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Right.

If you guys are discerning marriage, then your decision-making process should be more and more resembling that of the married couple you want to be. (But I don’t know how to phrase that to your girlfriend without putting too much pressure on your relationship.)

She has told me she doesn’t like making decisions, and wants me to do them all, when she is at home. I have told her that isn’t right and she needs to learn to make decisions. Pretty much, once she started dating me, it’s like she put the car from “P” into “D.” I’m more of a manual-transmission type…having to select, change, switch gears, go into neutral, etc. This has become super-apparent as time goes on. I tell her she needs to make a decision too about things we do, otherwise, it just breeds resentment.

Yet, she has no trouble arranging things without telling me when it comes to things like her family. It’s happened before.

 

[Xantippe]

She has told me she doesn’t like making decisions, and wants me to do them all, when she is at home. I have told her that isn’t right and she needs to learn to make decisions. Pretty much, once she started dating me, it’s like she put the car from “P” into “D.” I’m more of a manual-transmission type…having to select, change, switch gears, go into neutral, etc. This has become super-apparent as time goes on. I tell her she needs to make a decision too about things we do, otherwise, it just breeds resentment.

Yet, she has no trouble arranging things without telling me when it comes to things like her family. It’s happened before.

Paradoxically, I think those two very different behaviors are coming from exactly the same place. On the one hand, you have avoiding conflict by ceding decision-making to others and on the other hand, you have avoiding conflict by making arrangements without outside (name removed by moderator)ut.

I’m from a somewhat different family of origin, but there are certain features of your girlfriend’s behavior that remind me of myself and my family. I’ve been married to my husband for 17 years, but I only just realized recently that growing up, I had never seen a civil disagreement between my parents. I’m pretty sure they did iron out a bunch of stuff peacefully behind the scenes, but what we kids got to see and hear was either agreement that seemed to come out of nowhere or really loud and disrespectful arguments (primarily my dad criticizing my mom). I also got to see my mom attempting to hide information or mistakes from my dad (presumably because she was scared that he’d get mad). For a lot of reasons, I didn’t understand until very recently that the “respectful disagreement” tool was missing from my own marital toolbox.

You and your girlfriend can’t hope to have a happy marriage long-term unless you both have that tool. Whether or not you do wind up marrying, it can only do both of you good to work on this.

 

[Millie123]

Yet, she has no trouble arranging things without telling me when it comes to things like her family. It’s happened before.

This is definitely something that needs to be discussed with your girlfriend before your visit…she is not only making these decisions by herself for you, but she is also making these decisions by herself for her family. You said in your initial thread that she is making her parents prepare a room for you. Perhaps they’re also not comfortable with hosting their daughter’s boyfriend in their home without his own transportation…in the same way that you are not comfortable. I truly dont know how receptive they will be to you…but perhaps your trip will be a lot better received…if they weren’t made to prepare you a bed. As negative as your gf portrays her parents…I do think that your gf also carries somewhat of the responsibility for the negative tone and anxiety that is being created for this trip.

 

[Xantippe]

This is definitely something that needs to be discussed with your girlfriend before your visit…she is not only making these decisions by herself for you, but she is also making these decisions by herself for her family. You said in your initial thread that she is making her parents prepare a room for you. Perhaps they’re also not comfortable with hosting their daughter’s boyfriend in their home without his own transportation…in the same way that you are not comfortable. I truly dont know how receptive they will be to you…but perhaps your trip will be a lot better received…if they weren’t made to prepare you a bed. As negative as your gf portrays her parents…I do think that your gf also carries somewhat of the responsibility for the negative tone and anxiety that is being created for this trip.

My guess is that it’s just that kind of family and there’s a lot of arbitrary decision-making going because they aren’t able to peaceably discuss plans.

 

[EasterJoy]

Go meet your girlfriend’s parents. You will live, and she will find you a better listener when she has some sense that you know who she is talking about.

Yes, you will be the zoo animal for the week or the weekend. This is a sitcom that doesn’t have new characters strolling through all that often. You will survive it. Consider it time off of Purgatory for the sins you have committed by staying in your comfort zone instead of doing what charity demanded. Taken in that way, you will profit from it.

Yes, you could conceivably wind up doing some sort of intimate care for this couple some day, if it comes to that, but it probably won’t. If it does, it will be much worse for them than for you, so let them worry about it. An invalid can be grouchy, but there is a real limit to how much “controlling” they can do. That’s probably the most difficult part of old age for the very, um, opinionated. In a large family, these duties are spread around so much that often the help of the in-laws is only required in a support sense. Look at the bright side: Even if you offered, your future MIL would not let you take care of her. You’re probably off the hook on that one!

Avoid rash judgment, and take everyone’s attitudes towards everyone else with a grain of salt. In a large family (and I come from one), everyone has their own mythology going. More often than not, you would not recognize one set of family members by the description you got from the others. It’s usually errs that much on the side of rosy, bleak, or both. Mythologies, even private mythologies, lend themselves towards making each character into an archetype, described by a limited number of strong adjectives. Nobody is lying, but no one has such a clear view that they’re telling the whole truth, either.

Be a good house guest. That will please your girlfriend. Read the chapter on charity from 1 Corinthians, and take care to lean in that direction. That will please God. If you do that, you won’t displease anyone in any way that makes an eternal difference.

Remember: This may not be your #1 choice for how to spend your vacation days, but it will not last forever. You don’t have to enjoy it. You can put a smile on and Just Do It.

 

[EasterJoy]

Do I just stay at home, and pray her parents will visit the Midwest?

Do yourself a favor. Visit them. They don’t want to visit you. Are you in a big hurry to host them? Let that sleeping dog lie!!

And, how do you introverts deal with being the center of attention among total strangers for an extended period of time?

Rely on your guardian angel–put in a call, if it’s been awhile!!–put on a smile, fake it until you make it, and offer it up. (I am not kidding. There is no anesthesia for this except grace and a good attitude. With those two, you may even fall into some sort of enjoyment, if you are not careful.)

If your social anxiety is such that you have had to get professional help, then go see your therapist to walk you through your strategies. When you’re in over your head, you call the tech guy, right? OK. If you don’t think you can do it without help, get help.

Most importantly, realize that big families are used to rolling with the punches. There is hardly a landing you can’t walk away from. Next week, you’ll be a thousand miles away and they’ll have a different storyline going.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Paradoxically, I think those two very different behaviors are coming from exactly the same place. On the one hand, you have avoiding conflict by ceding decision-making to others and on the other hand, you have avoiding conflict by making arrangements without outside (name removed by moderator)ut.

I’m from a somewhat different family of origin, but there are certain features of your girlfriend’s behavior that remind me of myself and my family. I’ve been married to my husband for 17 years, but I only just realized recently that growing up, I had never seen a civil disagreement between my parents. I’m pretty sure they did iron out a bunch of stuff peacefully behind the scenes, but what we kids got to see and hear was either agreement that seemed to come out of nowhere or really loud and disrespectful arguments (primarily my dad criticizing my mom). I also got to see my mom attempting to hide information or mistakes from my dad (presumably because she was scared that he’d get mad). For a lot of reasons, I didn’t understand until very recently that the “respectful disagreement” tool was missing from my own marital toolbox.

You and your girlfriend can’t hope to have a happy marriage long-term unless you both have that tool. Whether or not you do wind up marrying, it can only do both of you good to work on this.

Thank you for sharing, and telling me this.

I also believe in respectfully disagreeing.
When I disagree with her lately, it becomes usually one of two things:
1.She lectures me, followed with heavy sighing, pleading, and even tears.
2. She immediately changes her position and agrees with me, when deep-down, she disagrees. She holds it in until a day later, when the resentment bubbles out and she revisits what she changed her mind about and picks it apart.

 

[EasterJoy]

She has told me she doesn’t like making decisions, and wants me to do them all, when she is at home. I have told her that isn’t right and she needs to learn to make decisions. Pretty much, once she started dating me, it’s like she put the car from “P” into “D.” I’m more of a manual-transmission type…having to select, change, switch gears, go into neutral, etc. This has become super-apparent as time goes on. I tell her she needs to make a decision too about things we do, otherwise, it just breeds resentment.

Yet, she has no trouble arranging things without telling me when it comes to things like her family. It’s happened before.

One of the things you can do to help the decision-handicapped is to narrow their options. Do you want Chinese, the new cafe, or none of the above? Do you want flannel or not?

And never forget the answer made famous by my friend’s mother: When she asked someone a question and they said, “I don’t care, either is fine with me” she would say, “I have A and I have B. Choose one. I don’t have any ‘I don’t care.’ If I wanted to choose by myself, I’d have done it.”

In other words, help her to realize that decision-making is a chore, and she needs to help with the lifting.

 

[Xantippe]

One of the things you can do to help the decision-handicapped is to narrow their options. Do you want Chinese, the new cafe, or none of the above? Do you want flannel or not?

And never forget the answer made famous by my friend’s mother: When she asked someone a question and they said, “I don’t care, either is fine with me” she would say, “I have A and I have B. Choose one. I don’t have any ‘I don’t care.’ If I wanted to choose by myself, I’d have done it.”

In other words, help her to realize that decision-making is a chore, and she needs to help with the lifting.

Yes.

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you for sharing, and telling me this.

I also believe in respectfully disagreeing.
When I disagree with her lately, it becomes usually one of two things:
1.She lectures me, followed with heavy sighing, pleading, and even tears.
2. She immediately changes her position and agrees with me, when deep-down, she disagrees. She holds it in until a day later, when the resentment bubbles out and she revisits what she changed her mind about and picks it apart.

Have you shared this with her? This is really important.

If you are hoping to marry, I think you guys need to take this to counseling.

I don’t know if this is psychologically at all respectable, but I wonder if the two of you wouldn’t also benefit from occasional use of a coin flip for decisions that you each care about but are not absolutely life-or-death. That way, you’d have a 50% chance of getting your way and your girlfriend wouldn’t accidentally bully her way into winning every single time.

Good luck!

 

[1990Domer]

Not having transportation of your own is problematic, but perhaps less so for a short visit.

I’m sure you’ll do fine (especially on a short visit), but in future be more strategic about transportation. And that’s especially true if they don’t live within walking distance of anything or if the local climate is nasty.

I’m the veteran of many trips to visit my in-laws, and it took me a long time to realize that one of the reasons that it was such an unpleasant experience was that I felt trapped the whole time. I felt like I was in jail because I couldn’t go anywhere without being taken by them.

So, learn from my mistakes.

This! And from experience, I second this advice.

 

[1990Domer]

Hating on the Midwest?!?

Hating on crooked politicians…or the cast of Jersey Shore…that’s understandable.

The Midwest? The breadbasket of the nation? By West Coasters?? That’s just…so wrong.

Hey, I am from New Jersey and like the shore!

 

[Allegra]

If you are discerning marriage with the GF, you have to meet her family. However, given the circumstances, I would strongly consider postponing the event until you could afford a motel room and rental car.