Meeting the GF's parents

[EasterJoy]

If you are discerning marriage with the GF, you have to meet her family. However, given the circumstances, I would strongly consider postponing the event until you could afford a motel room and rental car.

Nah. Unless they have domestic violence arrests, Just Do It.

Good grief, they live 1,000 miles away and they aren’t going to return the visit. His girlfriend does not care if he impresses them or not. She cares if her family impresses him or not. This is not a suicide mission. It will take a bit of grin-and-bear-it, but he can do it!

Don’t put it off. Just bite the bullet and go see them.

Get one of those passport holders you wear under your shirt for your phone, though, dude! Don’t be afraid to smile and tell them you heard there is a phone thief in the house! A generous and easy-going sense of humor goes a long ways in a big family. )

 

[Xantippe]

Nah. Unless they have domestic violence arrests, Just Do It.

Good grief, they live 1,000 miles away and they aren’t going to return the visit. His girlfriend does not care if he impresses them or not. She cares if her family impresses him or not. This is not a suicide mission. It will take a bit of grin-and-bear-it, but he can do it!

Don’t put it off. Just bite the bullet and go see them.

Get one of those passport holders you wear under your shirt for your phone, though, dude! Don’t be afraid to smile and tell them you heard there is a phone thief in the house! A generous and easy-going sense of humor goes a long ways in a big family. )

I don’t think I would joke in this particular family until I know them a lot better.

 

[PolarGuy]

Yeah, no joking! Be on your absolutely best behavior, if only so that, no matter how bad they act, you will always know “I behaved properly.”

 

[chevalier]

And, how do you introverts deal with being the center of attention among total strangers for an extended period of time?

Horribly. But I try not to feel too horrible about being horrible at it. I can usually fake it with some panache if I have enough drive in me.

You can always ask that special lady of yours to let her parents know in advance, gently, that you’re an introvert and that socializing is a bit of a challenge and they should cut you some slack.

Re: staying in their house but a separate room, I would do that as long as there were no temptation to cross over when the parents went to sleep (no other near occasion of mortal sin either). Being a guest in the house is, in my opinion, totally fine, especially in a household that has both a master and a mistress, like any other normal household, which should normally be capable of having guests over.

Watch the alcohol, as stress, exhaustion, travel etc. can alter your reaction to it, so while drinking really too much is still preventable, it can be a little difficult to control the kind of small tipsiness that makes you a bit more forward than you normally are. And there’s a temptation to escape into alcohol in stress like that, as well as to use alcohol to help the socializing if it’s awkward and difficult without. Presume half your normal limit or something like that.

Don’t drink too much coffee (or tea) either. It’s easy to OD on coffee when you’re feeling twitchy and out of place, which will only increase the feeling, and it does to some extent have the potential to result in somewhat sillier than normal behaviour.

Try to relax, don’t play games, don’t try to be more impressive (or less) than you really are. Basically don’t get into game mode.

To feel less awkward and closer to a level with your hosts, bring some gifts and try to invite them out or pay for something like that (but without pushing it or doing something awkward like trying to do the grocery shopping for them).

From my own personal repertoire, you could insist (with your girlfriend, who would then get it sorted with her family and other significant locals) on being introduced and referred to largely as a friend if that’s closer to where you are or even if it’s not (in which case ‘friend’ takes a bit of a special meaning). I’ve always felt awkward about the girl/boy nonsense.

When I disagree with her lately, it becomes usually one of two things:
1.She lectures me, followed with heavy sighing, pleading, and even tears.
2. She immediately changes her position and agrees with me, when deep-down, she disagrees. She holds it in until a day later, when the resentment bubbles out and she revisits what she changed her mind about and picks it apart.

That sounds like your girlfriend being female.

 

[UbiCaritas]

OP, I come from a not-dissimilar background to that of your girlfriend, though in my case you can add in parents with substance abuse/mental health issues, too.

When my then-boyfriend/now-DH were getting serious, a younger sister of mine was graduating from high school. Then-BF and I lived about 1200 and 1000 miles respectively from my parents’ home.

My contact with my parents was usually a phone call once every week or two to my father; I had even more limited contact with my mother. In really dysfunctional or abusive situations, that’s about the maximum, frequency-wise, that will permit both contact but also not much abuse. People like to talk about themselves, but do eventually run out of things to say. In my case, I could call on my way home from work, say, “So, dad, how’s your health doing?”, listen for 20-30 minutes to everything from his health situation to money problems, and then sign off at the end without having had to listen to any nastiness. More frequently than that, and he might run out of things to say.

I wanted to attend my kid sister’s graduation, and thought it would be a good time for then-BF to meet my parents. As I said, we were getting serious, and while I then had no intention of maintaining any sort of close relationship with them, I did think he should see what he could be potentially getting into. At the same time, I was not willing to stay at their home. I hadn’t been there in several years, and hadn’t stayed there for more than a couple of hours in many more. My decision was made for several reasons: first, my mother gets extremely inappropriate with men while drunk, and she gets drunk every night; second, the house was filthy (think borderline hoarding plus nearly a dozen cats, mostly non-litter-pan-trained, living in the house); and third, we’d need our space to talk and figure things out over the course of the weekend, and that wasn’t going to happen there.

At the same time, my parents live in the middle of nowhere. The nearest hotel or motel is a good hour away.

What worked well for us was this: I called an old friend out there with whom I’d kept in contact. When she heard we were coming, she very kindly offered to put us up at her place (in separate rooms, natch) and lend us a car. We did offer to get a rental instead, but they had an extra and insisted, so we just made sure we returned it full of gas and with a very nice hostess gift.

Could you run something like that past your girlfriend–a sort of compromise between staying either at a hotel or at her parents’ house? It sounds as though her family doesn’t believe in boundaries at all, to the point that you could run into serious problems if, say, one of the adult sisters who found it funny to steal your GF’s phone and pretend to be her decides to wander into your room at 2 AM while wearing nothing at all. That’s not as far-fetched a scenario as some might think; having grown up around a lot of people like that, I could immediately see that happening. If it did, then best-case scenario you would probably end up breaking up over something preventable; worst-case scenario, depending on Daddy’s temperament, you could be looking at an attempted rape charge.

ETA: One last thing. Does your girlfriend seem to fully comprehend how dysfunctional her family is? I wonder if she does, given that she’s so anxious that you make a good impression. It’s a great sign that she’s moved out and is as far away as she is, but that’s something you really want to bear in mind if you’re considering marriage.

 

[Xantippe]

Watch the alcohol, as stress, exhaustion, travel etc. can alter your reaction to it, so while drinking really too much is still preventable, it can be a little difficult to control the kind of small tipsiness that makes you a bit more forward than you normally are. And there’s a temptation to escape into alcohol in stress like that, as well as to use alcohol to help the socializing if it’s awkward and difficult without. Presume half your normal limit or something like that.

Don’t drink too much coffee (or tea) either. It’s easy to OD on coffee when you’re feeling twitchy and out of place, which will only increase the feeling, and it does to some extent have the potential to result in somewhat sillier than normal behaviour.

[snip]

To feel less awkward and closer to a level with your hosts, bring some gifts and try to invite them out or pay for something like that (but without pushing it or doing something awkward like trying to do the grocery shopping for them).

From my own personal repertoire, you could insist (with your girlfriend, who would then get it sorted with her family and other significant locals) on being introduced and referred to largely as a friend if that’s closer to where you are or even if it’s not (in which case ‘friend’ takes a bit of a special meaning). I’ve always felt awkward about the girl/boy nonsense.

That sounds like your girlfriend being female.

Some thoughts:

1. I think that’s good advice about alcohol and caffeine. It is easy to get jazzed up on too much coffee.

As they say, “Drink Coffee: Do Stupid Things Faster With More Energy!”

1. We’ve had some bad experiences with attempting to pay for stuff. You have to pay attention to family culture. In a lot of American (and probably many non-American) families, dad would rather be eaten alive by wolves than allow anybody else to get a check in a restaurant. It’s a big masculine pride thing with a lot of fathers of grown children. (We once attempted to take my in-laws out to dinner for MIL’s birthday as our gift. Big mistake–FIL wouldn’t let us pay. My husband had warned me that this would happen, but we didn’t have a gift. Live and learn.)

In the past, I’ve actually had to be very sneaky about making any small purchases for myself, because FIL doesn’t believe that my husband and I should be spending any money when he is in the room. So–ask your girlfriend what her family’s culture is about money and hospitality.

1. I think that the girlfriend’s reactions are well outside the normal range for an American girlfriend. Wife, maybe, girlfriend, definitely not.

 

[UbiCaritas]

One more thing: make some plans in advance for things you’d like to do in the area, and then do them. If you don’t stay at the GF’s parents’ place, same thing with the family. Leaving aside anything else, people are often better-behaved out in public than in their own home!

In our case, we enjoyed spending time with my friends, but I neither wanted to impose too much nor make then-BF feel potentially uncomfortable from being in close proximity for some time to people he didn’t know well. We spent one day hanging with them, and then another day at Really Big City from where we were flying out and where then-BF hadn’t ever spent time. Very fun, in both instances. Insofar as friends and family, we went to the graduation ceremony itself, where then-BF got a grasp on some of the…oddities…in my family, took a fun and long break with friends doing another activity, went to vigil Mass, and then met my parents and siblings for a celebratory post-graduation dinner (deeply awkward, but nothing worse than that) followed by a drink or two with one sister and her friend, which went quite well.

I’d been dreading the weekend a lot, but it actually was a very, very fun one thanks to some careful planning.

 

[Xantippe]

One more thing: make some plans in advance for things you’d like to do in the area, and then do them. If you don’t stay at the GF’s parents’ place, same thing with the family. Leaving aside anything else, people are often better-behaved out in public than in their own home!

In our case, we enjoyed spending time with my friends, but I neither wanted to impose too much nor make then-BF feel potentially uncomfortable from being in close proximity for some time to people he didn’t know well. We spent one day hanging with them, and then another day at Really Big City from where we were flying out and where then-BF hadn’t ever spent time. Very fun, in both instances. Insofar as friends and family, we went to the graduation ceremony itself, where then-BF got a grasp on some of the…oddities…in my family, took a fun and long break with friends doing another activity, went to vigil Mass, and then met my parents and siblings for a celebratory post-graduation dinner (deeply awkward, but nothing worse than that) followed by a drink or two with one sister and her friend, which went quite well.

I’d been dreading the weekend a lot, but it actually was a very, very fun one thanks to some careful planning.

That’s a very nice model for the OP.

 

[EasterJoy]

Some thoughts:

1. I think that’s good advice about alcohol and caffeine. It is easy to get jazzed up on too much coffee.

As they say, “Drink Coffee: Do Stupid Things Faster With More Energy!”

1. We’ve had some bad experiences with attempting to pay for stuff. You have to pay attention to family culture. In a lot of American (and probably many non-American) families, dad would rather be eaten alive by wolves than allow anybody else to get a check in a restaurant. It’s a big masculine pride thing with a lot of fathers of grown children. (We once attempted to take my in-laws out to dinner for MIL’s birthday as our gift. Big mistake–FIL wouldn’t let us pay. My husband had warned me that this would happen, but we didn’t have a gift. Live and learn.)

In the past, I’ve actually had to be very sneaky about making any small purchases for myself, because FIL doesn’t believe that my husband and I should be spending any money when he is in the room. So–ask your girlfriend what her family’s culture is about money and hospitality.

1. I think that the girlfriend’s reactions are well outside the normal range for an American girlfriend. Wife, maybe, girlfriend, definitely not.

I don’t think I’ve ever known someone to get so buzzed on coffee that they began to do stupid things that they don’t do without it. There is no reason to believe the OP has any tendency to do stupid things, only that he has a fear of doing stupid things in social situations.

I’d say the big thing is to get onto the same page with the girlfriend, follow her lead, and ride these rapids together. Get used to the idea that mistakes will be made, everyone with in-laws has made some, and the only person who really counts is the person you are considering making one life with. Try to at least pretend that the visit to the parents is not seen in the same light as a trip into a dragon’s lair. It is not flattering to have people fear you when they have never met you.

This couple will do OK, in any event. Who knows, the OP may even hit it off with one or both of the parents. Stranger things have happened.

Yes, I’d limit the drinking. I wouldn’t necessarily avoid drinking at all, if the parents drink, because they might take that as evidence that you are either an alcoholic or judgmental about people who drink. You can nurse the same drink for a long time, though.

ANY LANDING YOU WALK AWAY FROM IS A GOOD ONE!! YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS YOUR PARACHUTE, SO LISTEN TO THE PRE-FLIGHT INSTRUCTIONS, BUT AFTER THAT RELAX AND ENJOY THE TRIP!!

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s a very nice model for the OP.

Yes, it is. Having a Plan A and a Plan B makes it a lot easier to relax, too. There is a lot of stress in a trip full of unknowns with people you don’t trust to take care of you yet.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, it is. Having a Plan A and a Plan B makes it a lot easier to relax, too. There is a lot of stress in a trip full of unknowns with people you don’t trust to take care of you yet.

Some people (grown, middle-aged people) just are lousy hosts and don’t really think about their guests’ basic physical needs.

Sad but true.

 

[Just_Lurking]

Depending on your personality, you may be tempted to try to play “peacemaker”, or maybe the “voice of reason”, but don’t. Your job is to be on your GF’s side, 100%, no matter what. Under no circumstances should you support any criticism of your GF, even/especially if you personally think it might be justified. Just switch the conversation to some positive aspect of your GF if you are pressed.

 

[Xantippe]

Depending on your personality, you may be tempted to try to play “peacemaker”, or maybe the “voice of reason”, but don’t. Your job is to be on your GF’s side, 100%, no matter what. Under no circumstances should you support any criticism of your GF, even/especially if you personally think it might be justified. Just switch the conversation to some positive aspect of your GF if you are pressed.

Yes. As far as they are concerned, you believe that your girlfriend can do no wrong.

And don’t get in the middle of any other intra-family disputes, either.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

.

Yes, I’d limit the drinking. I wouldn’t necessarily avoid drinking at all, if the parents drink, because they might take that as evidence that you are either an alcoholic or judgmental about people who drink. You can nurse the same drink for a long time, though.

The parents don’t drink, and they kicked-out one of their kids for drinking. Thus, I won’t be drinking. Just smile and nod.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Yes. As far as they are concerned, you believe that your girlfriend can do no wrong.

And don’t get in the middle of any other intra-family disputes, either.

And there are intra-family disputes galore with them. And I have no desire to involve myself in them.

 

[UbiCaritas]

The parents don’t drink, and they kicked-out one of their kids for drinking. Thus, I won’t be drinking. Just smile and nod.

That could almost be unfortunate 'cause a drink can sometimes help everyone relax. On the other hand, given what you’ve described, you might not want some of those siblings too relaxed.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

I don’t think I would joke in this particular family until I know them a lot better.

Agreed…they’re not the “big, happy family” you see on TV. Best not to open my mouth unless I’m talked-to. Judgement floats like smoke in the air.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

That could almost be unfortunate 'cause a drink can sometimes help everyone relax. On the other hand, given what you’ve described, you might not want some of those siblings too relaxed.

I’ve seen them “too relaxed” after drinks when they’ve come out by me…and I don’t want a repeat of those messes.

 

[UbiCaritas]

And there are intra-family disputes galore with them. And I have no desire to involve myself in them.

Smart.

Smiling and nodding, with occasional (or not so occasional) compliments of the girlfriend thrown in are, I think, what you’re going for here. “Suzy is doing so well balancing work and school; I’m really proud of her.” “I’ve never had spaghetti as good as Suzy’s; did you teach her how to cook?” Etc.

Even if you aren’t naturally a complimentary person, this weekend would be a good time to say that stuff more often than usual. I’m not, but when DH and his relatives get together, there’s one older relative (read: in a position which deserves respect) who often nags DH unnecessarily about things in front of me, things which DH handles himself and handles well anyway. The relative in question means well, but worries much too much. I alternate between staying out of it and remarking on how well DH does at staying on top of XYZ or managing ABC.

I mention this because it sounds, as I mentioned, as though your GF’s family and mine aren’t unalike. When I went to my sister’s event and brought my then-BF, he made a point of not letting me feel alone, especially when the occasional snarky remark was made, or when difficult stuff came up. Mild PDA–think public handholding–was even engaged in, no doubt to the horror of my parents. Between feeling thoroughly rebellious for a) having a boyfriend, b) being in a functional relationship and holding down a “real” job, and c) having that boyfriend not only be there, but very obviously support me and make that as clear to them as to me without either of us getting involved in any drama at all–like I said, I ended up having a very fun weekend, as did he.

(We got engaged less than a month later.)

 

[Xantippe]

Smart.

Smiling and nodding, with occasional (or not so occasional) compliments of the girlfriend thrown in are, I think, what you’re going for here. “Suzy is doing so well balancing work and school; I’m really proud of her.” “I’ve never had spaghetti as good as Suzy’s; did you teach her how to cook?” Etc.

Even if you aren’t naturally a complimentary person, this weekend would be a good time to say that stuff more often than usual. I’m not, but when DH and his relatives get together, there’s one older relative (read: in a position which deserves respect) who often nags DH unnecessarily about things in front of me, things which DH handles himself and handles well anyway. The relative in question means well, but worries much too much. I alternate between staying out of it and remarking on how well DH does at staying on top of XYZ or managing ABC.

I mention this because it sounds, as I mentioned, as though your GF’s family and mine aren’t unalike. When I went to my sister’s event and brought my then-BF, he made a point of not letting me feel alone, especially when the occasional snarky remark was made, or when difficult stuff came up. Mild PDA–think public handholding–was even engaged in, no doubt to the horror of my parents. Between feeling thoroughly rebellious for a) having a boyfriend, b) being in a functional relationship and holding down a “real” job, and c) having that boyfriend not only be there, but very obviously support me and make that as clear to them as to me without either of us getting involved in any drama at all–like I said, I ended up having a very fun weekend, as did he.

(We got engaged less than a month later.)

Very nice!

Compliments are important.

“What a pretty Nativity, Mrs. Snodgrass!” “It smells wonderful!”

Oh, and here’s another minefield. Figure out in advance what the GF’s parents want to be called by you–first name or Mr./Mrs… And then do whatever they suggest. This is potentially a very awkward area, so figure this out now.