Men/Marriage/Respect

[ac_claire]

So as far as communication goes, the clear, direct route seems to be the best way to communicate with men. But to get back to the topic, I’m not sure if that tactic would be the best way for the OP to deal with what she perceives as her husband’s lack of spiritual leadership. Or…I don’t know, maybe it would be? What do yall think the best way to deal with that would be? Or should she just not deal with it head-on at all?

That’s sort of where my opinion is leaning. Like…I don’t know, the husband is supposed to **be **the spiritual head of the family. Not just learn to be, like with the right knowledge and skills, etc…but he’s supposed to already be in that position automatically because of his role in the family. That’s how I’ve understood it anyhow. Since men are so different, obviously not all men are going to lead in the same way. OP, maybe you could consider just following your husband in whatever he’s doing now, spiritually, with the family. Even if it’s not much…with the attitude of, you’re following him anyway, or trying to. You know what I mean? I don’t know if that would work to help build him up and help him rise to be stronger in this area, or not. Those are just the thoughts that were running through my head when I read your last post.

What do the rest of yall think?

 

[whatevergirl]

So as far as communication goes, the clear, direct route seems to be the best way to communicate with men. But to get back to the topic, I’m not sure if that tactic would be the best way for the OP to deal with what she perceives as her husband’s lack of spiritual leadership. Or…I don’t know, maybe it would be? What do yall think the best way to deal with that would be? Or should she just not deal with it head-on at all?

That’s sort of where my opinion is leaning. Like…I don’t know, the husband is supposed to **be **the spiritual head of the family. Not just learn to be, like with the right knowledge and skills, etc…but he’s supposed to already be in that position automatically because of his role in the family. That’s how I’ve understood it anyhow. Since men are so different, obviously not all men are going to lead in the same way. OP, maybe you could consider just following your husband in whatever he’s doing now, spiritually, with the family. Even if it’s not much…with the attitude of, you’re following him anyway, or trying to. You know what I mean? I don’t know if that would work to help build him up and help him rise to be stronger in this area, or not. Those are just the thoughts that were running through my head when I read your last post.

What do the rest of yall think?

I think that makes a lot of sense, definitely. I know that men are to take on that role, but not all men might ‘‘lead’’ in the same manner…so, maybe it boils down to making sure you’re not changing the man into something he isn’t, but appreciating the type of leader that he is. I believe the husband should be a servant leader…and thus, that can be carried out in different way, different personalities. Good point claire! What I think is wonderful, OP, is your willingness to help your husband to see his role, and how you both can work together to achieve the goodness God has for your marriage and household. I have enjoyed this thread.

 

[MyRdmrLvs]

Exactly. Just tell him straight out how you feel. No hinting about it thinking he will get your meaning.

Women can do that?

 

[chevalier]

To the above: yes, women can be very direct. And some can use very proper logic to pound your argument into oblivion if you cross their paths (has happened to me). Heheh. In related vein, men aren’t incapable of grasping metaphors, either. Where problem lies is contradictions, i.e. you’re supposed to take her at her word instead of analysing, but at the same time she means yes when saying no. And drama starts. A very close relative of mine lost a man by turning down his proposal. It wasn’t made clear that he was supposed to improve and return. He took it as a final rejection, found another woman, married that one.

Ac Claire, since you asked, I believe he’s already in the role but learning is a constant process. It might be possible, say, for a man to be like an underaged king: already has it, but has to learn before exercising it. But those would be rare situations, I think.

However, I would like to point out that the direct vs indirect communication subject we’re discussing doesn’t actually reflect so much on the OP’s problem. I don’t want to say we should finish this discussion, but let’s make it clear it’s a bit of a different thing, so that it doesn’t have the same scare factor as if it belonged to OP’s titular problem.

Perhaps a general thought about communication vis-a-vis respect: respect includes accepting the other person’s way of communication and learning to read it, as well as to communicate in a way he (she) could read.

 

[ac_claire]

OP, sorry to keep posting off topic. Just one more comment-

Women can do that?

The problem is (I’ll speak about myself to make an example) sometimes when I’m very straight-up and direct about something, it can come off as…nagging, snappy, harping, etc. Basically, it can come across as being very rough, maybe more so than from a man because I’m a woman and I’m sweet and soft spoken in general. So when I am direct sometimes, a point I make can cut deeper than it does when maybe a man says it. Maybe that’s why women find it harder to be direct.

I just know from experience there are times I’ve decided to just come out and “say what I mean” and I’ve regretted it, and wished I would have soft-shoed it a little more. Something like what the OP is dealing with, I’m concerned that if she came out and said “I want you to be more of the spiritual leader” it *could *come off like an insult.

 

[GoBison]

There is a difference between being naggy and being direct.

“You are the man of this family and you suppose to be the spiritual leader of the family, why aren’t you”

compared to

“I look to you as a guide in many areas of my life and I would really like for you to be the spiritual leader in our family”

Same goes in all communication especially when we use absolute terms:

“You never help clean around here” - Meanwhile the guy is thinking what do you mean I took the garbage out last week and I get no credit for doing anything why should I help her out.

compared to

“I would really appreciate it if you would go mop the floor, Thanks” After 20 more minutes of watching the ball game the floor gets mopped.

 

[mini_me640]

So as far as communication goes, the clear, direct route seems to be the best way to communicate with men. But to get back to the topic, I’m not sure if that tactic would be the best way for the OP to deal with what she perceives as her husband’s lack of spiritual leadership. Or…I don’t know, maybe it would be? What do yall think the best way to deal with that would be? Or should she just not deal with it head-on at all?

That’s sort of where my opinion is leaning. Like…I don’t know, the husband is supposed to **be **the spiritual head of the family. Not just learn to be, like with the right knowledge and skills, etc…but he’s supposed to already be in that position automatically because of his role in the family. That’s how I’ve understood it anyhow. Since men are so different, obviously not all men are going to lead in the same way. OP, maybe you could consider just following your husband in whatever he’s doing now, spiritually, with the family. Even if it’s not much…with the attitude of, you’re following him anyway, or trying to. You know what I mean? I don’t know if that would work to help build him up and help him rise to be stronger in this area, or not. Those are just the thoughts that were running through my head when I read your last post.

What do the rest of yall think?

AC I think you are all over it. You’re right, he IS the spiritual leader by virture of being the husband and father. I hadn’t thought about it that way. I think rather than me telling him I need him to lead, thereby putting a measure of pressure on him, I do need to just follow whatever he does do, however small, and help him become stronger that way. Brilliant! That really is something I hadn’t considered.

Thanks to all of you for your great (name removed by moderator)ut!

 

[MyRdmrLvs]

When I hear the guys at work talk about their wives it really makes me grateful for my wife. so here is a story that will make you want to go hug that husband of yours
The night before my wife and I were married we were looking through a Bible for the first time (we had just become Christians). I was a junky trying to stay clean and I was looking in the back of the Bible for verses about addiction or drunks, but she was wanting to find verses about marriage, since she was about to marry the junky of her dreams! so we took turns reading verses when we finally read about wives submitting to their husbands. She pledged to be the perfectly submissive wife and I believed her! NOT! but I married her anyway. A few months later she decided to quit smoking (she smoked 3 packs a day) I had quit drugs drinking, smoking and chewing tobacco myself so I was pleased to see her quit, but a month later she tried to start again and thats were things got ugly! I told her that I wouldnt allow her to smoke any more. we had screaming matches and things got broke. she called a meeting with our pastor who spoke about the evils of smoking every other week from the pulpit. he and I were sitting in his office when she stormed in and with her finger alternately in his face and mine she tore into both of us tears flowing down her face then stormed out without he or I getting to say one word. He turned to me and said “maybe you should give her more time” She called another Christian couple to come and talk to me and the guy tried to tell me that he also wanted his wife to quit smoking but he didnt feel he had the right to force her to quit, the wife wasnt so nice about it and called me a few names for treating my wife so badly and swore she would divorce her husband if he ever tried to do that to her. Even my mother tried to get me to back off but I wasnt having it. You see it was only a few months before this that this same woman called the police on me and got me arrested, forcing me to quit doing drugs, why should it be so bad if she quit something for me? the Bible says a man should wash his wife with the word, so I scrubbed her behind the ears with, "a dog returns to its vomit and a sow returns to wallow in the mud!
Looking back at that first year I now realize I was anything but Christlike I would never demand that my wife submit to me now but rather try to be the kind of man she will want to submit to. In case your wondering she has about nine years as a nonsmoker. And we have a very blessed marriage.
If you are interested in the rest of the story our testimony is on the thread “thank you to the people on this forum”

 

[ac_claire]

When I hear the guys at work talk about their wives it really makes me grateful for my wife. so here is a story that will make you want to go hug that husband of yours
The night before my wife and I were married we were looking through a Bible for the first time (we had just become Christians). I was a junky trying to stay clean and I was looking in the back of the Bible for verses about addiction or drunks, but she was wanting to find verses about marriage, since she was about to marry the junky of her dreams! so we took turns reading verses when we finally read about wives submitting to their husbands. She pledged to be the perfectly submissive wife and I believed her! NOT! but I married her anyway. A few months later she decided to quit smoking (she smoked 3 packs a day) I had quit drugs drinking, smoking and chewing tobacco myself so I was pleased to see her quit, but a month later she tried to start again and thats were things got ugly! I told her that I wouldnt allow her to smoke any more. we had screaming matches and things got broke. she called a meeting with our pastor who spoke about the evils of smoking every other week from the pulpit. he and I were sitting in his office when she stormed in and with her finger alternately in his face and mine she tore into both of us tears flowing down her face then stormed out without he or I getting to say one word. He turned to me and said “maybe you should give her more time” She called another Christian couple to come and talk to me and the guy tried to tell me that he also wanted his wife to quit smoking but he didnt feel he had the right to force her to quit, the wife wasnt so nice about it and called me a few names for treating my wife so badly and swore she would divorce her husband if he ever tried to do that to her. Even my mother tried to get me to back off but I wasnt having it. You see it was only a few months before this that this same woman called the police on me and got me arrested, forcing me to quit doing drugs, why should it be so bad if she quit something for me? the Bible says a man should wash his wife with the word, so I scrubbed her behind the ears with, "a dog returns to its vomit and a sow returns to wallow in the mud!
Looking back at that first year I now realize I was anything but Christlike I would never demand that my wife submit to me now but rather try to be the kind of man she will want to submit to. In case your wondering she has about nine years as a nonsmoker. And we have a very blessed marriage.
If you are interested in the rest of the story our testimony is on the thread “thank you to the people on this forum”

Wow. Great story. Yeah, I’m glad things are better now with you! That’s the big truth about addictions, you can’t force anyone to quit. They have to want to, and be ready to.

 

[MyRdmrLvs]

Wow. Great story. Yeah, I’m glad things are better now with you! That’s the big truth about addictions, you can’t force anyone to quit. They have to want to, and be ready to.

Well actually that is a common misconception. those like myself who are forced into treatment against their will have about the same success rate as those who go into treatment willingly about 10%. It drove me crazy to hear people in treatment and meeting say"you must want it or it wont work" I would reply " I dont want it, Im forced to be here!" Sorry off topic!