Messed-up family and your wedding

[mandajane]

My family is very messed up.

I was speaking to my grandmother on the phone today, and we were talking about my upcoming wedding. Many of the members of my family began to say very negative things, both about me, and the Catholic Church, and my FH.

I’m very different from the rest of my family - definitely the black sheep. What’s sad is, I’m the black sheep because I hold down a job, attend college, and don’t do any kind of drugs. My FH’s family already has a hard time with seeing me as “good enough” for him. I am terrified of them meeting my family, and the conclusions they might draw from that. I think it would only make the situation worse. But how can I avoid having my family at my wedding?

His parents will probably want to meet my mother before hand (They know my father isn’t around, and have turned their nose up at that. They constantly talk about how I am from a ‘broken home’.) but I know my mother can be hard to deal with. She dislikes Catholicism, and enjoys talking down about people, especially me. I can’t even count the number of times she has been in a public place with me, and decided it’d be a great idea to regale everyone with a story of some kind of trouble I got into when I was twelve. Or accuse me of making up the abuse I suffered (despite physical evidence). Or talk about how fat, stupid, lazy I am.

Have any of you dealt with this? How did you? I don’t know which would be worse - having his family meet mine, or having my half of the church empty on my wedding day.

 

[cmscms]

You may be feeling a lot of shame because of your family which is sad because as an outside observer, it sounds like your fiancee’s family is no class act. How could they be so ignorant as to judge you because your father choose to leave. Anyone with half a brain cell would know you could not control that!!! Why don’t they evaluate you based on YOUR behaviour.

You are suppose to be happy on your wedding day. If you don’t trust anyone to behave and not humiliate you, there is no reason to invite them. Now I do understand it would be humiliating if all the guests were from hubby’s side. Is there anyway to keep the wedding small? That may make it less akward

CM

 

[familyof4]

God bless, I am so sorry your family of origin is so toxic.

Could you and your FH decide to have your priest marry you in a smaller ceremony with only those who are most important to you in attendance? Unless you have a strong urge to have a huge wedding, I would say that a smaller one might resolve a lot of issues.

Long term, do you plan to have a relationship with your mother? How does your FH interact with her? Are you going to allow her around any children you may have? Honestly, I think you have bigger issues than if your future ILs like your family-- and I wish you the best of luck with that, it’s hard, but it sounds like you’re on a good path.

 

[mandajane]

It’s not that I want a huge wedding, it’s that my FH’s family is very large, and would be insulted by not being invited to his wedding. So even if he only invited his siblings, their spouses, and his parents, we’re still looking at over 20 people. Plus, his parents have already started talking about people they want to invite (they’ve offered to pay for the guests they want to bring, mostly business associates and their friends). They’re offering to help pay for the big wedding they think we should have. I just. I’m really lost, and i don’t know what to do. I would go talk to my priest, except my priest is friends with my FH’s mother.

 

[cmscms]

Plus, his parents have already started talking about people they want to invite (they’ve offered to pay for the guests they want to bring, mostly business associates and their friends). They’re offering to help pay for the big wedding they think we should have.

The more you talk about your fiancees husband, the more I really think you need to think about what your life will be and start setting boundaries NOW. If you and FH want a small wedding, that is your choice and the offended people need to get over it. Not to mention offering to pay to bring their business associates shows they are trying to control with money.

CM

 

[EasterJoy]

There is a Jewish saying, from the Rabbi Hillel

**
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
But if I am only for myself, what am I?
If not now, when?**

No, I’m not Jewish. I’m Catholic. There is no reason for one half of the church to be empty on your wedding day. The ushers do not have to seat people according to family at the wedding. Rather, the church can be filled only with people who treat you with the basic dignity you deserve. If not on that day…when? When does this abuse stop?

Think beyond your wedding day. Think about what kind of effect the relationships you are describing are going to have on your new husband and children. Is this what you want for them, to go through the abuse of witnessing your abuse…abuse that is coming from all sides? You are starting a new family, and it may be time for you to start right now to define family according to what allows you a basic minimum level of emotional health.

This is beyond our pay grade, but I’ll give you this to consider. I wager that if I took a vote, the vast majority of senior members here will tell you that if you do not refuse the treatment you are getting now, it will continue until you do put a stop to it. Talk about this with your counsellor, and with your fiance. If you don’t have a counsellor, get one. The choices you make now and the boundaries you draw now will serve you well or badly for a very long time. Make those choices wisely.

Your family is abusive towards you and basically calls you a liar with regards to your willingness to speak up about abuse you suffered at their hands. Maybe it is time to draw the line, starting today. Tell them that if it does not stop immediately, you are going to cut off contact with them. Then, if they don’t, do it. If they don’t amend their ways, don’t invite them to your wedding.

If his family is not respectful towards you, he needs to insist they stop. If he is not willing to challenge anyone who says you are not good enough, then find someone else to marry. They are the ones who ought to be embarrassed, not you. People who deserve to be called good consider a person’s prospects as a family member based on the prospective new wife/sister/daughter’s own character and her effect on their self/brother/son, and do not judge the people in her past and the misdeeds committed against her that she cannot control. It is time for your intended husband to call them on that, if he deserves that place in your life. He needs to go to bat for you, and tell his family when and how it is acceptable for them to refer to the difficulties in your past. If he does not, then you really need to ask yourself what kind of future he plans to give you, too.

If not now, when?

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s not that I want a huge wedding, it’s that my FH’s family is very large, and would be insulted by not being invited to his wedding. So even if he only invited his siblings, their spouses, and his parents, we’re still looking at over 20 people. Plus, his parents have already started talking about people they want to invite (they’ve offered to pay for the guests they want to bring, mostly business associates and their friends). They’re offering to help pay for the big wedding they think we should have. I just. I’m really lost, and i don’t know what to do. I would go talk to my priest, except my priest is friends with my FH’s mother.

We had this kind of a wedding. It was either going to be 50 people, which was the bare minimum of new in-laws and their immediate families, or it was going to be closer to 400. That’s just how big the extended family was, and how many were friends of the family since our parents were children, let alone since we were. This, even though my husband’s family and extended family were very small!

Do not think that your priest will not hear you because he’s a friend of your FH’s mother. He is a pastor before anything else. If he is sworn to secrecy, be sure he will keep your secret. The truth is, he is in a better position to be your advocate and protector than anyone in this whole circus.

I will wager, too, though, that he will send you and your fiance into this arena to take care of this yourselves. You’re going to get married; advocating for yourselves as adults in these family circles is your work to do. Your pastor can be your guide, though, and your confidant, and your comforter. He will at least keep the secret that you talked to him about it, provide you insist on that before you begin talking to him. If there is anyone you can cry to without self-consciousness, it is him. If there is anyone you can trust to be discrete if you ask for that, it is him. Make an appointment to meet with him privately.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I wager that if I took a vote, the vast majority of senior members here will tell you that if you do not refuse the treatment you are getting now, it will continue until you do put a stop to it.

Your family is abusive towards you and basically calls you a liar with regards to your willingness to speak up about abuse you suffered at their hands. Maybe it is time to draw the line, starting today.

If his family is not respectful towards you, he needs to insist they stop. If he is not willing to challenge anyone who says you are not good enough, then find someone else to marry. (…) It is time for your intended husband to call them on that, if he deserves that place in your life. He needs to go to bat for you, and tell his family when and how it is acceptable for them to refer to the difficulties in your past. If he does not, then you really need to ask yourself what kind of future he plans to give you, too.

Yes, yes and very big yes to all of the above. Your FH must stand up to his parents, otherwise his parents will try and control your life. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. The same goes for your family.

I had massive problems in my family that sound similar to yours, and when I got married I finally saw things more clearly. I guess starting my own family opened my eyes and gave me strength to put things in their place. Now is the time to do it, but your FH must support you in this.

 

[mandajane]

My FH is very supportive. He has repeatedly set boundaries with his family, which is part of why he has pulled farther and farther away from them. Which just makes me feel worse about my own family, because I feel like the poison that is in my family is just spreading to him.

That’s what his mother believes. Even though she’s now quit saying it out loud, (one of the things FH put his foot down about) I can still tell she feels that way.

I’ve sat down and talked about this with my therapist, and she has said that I should just swear off my family completely, and that I should be more forgiving of my FH’s family.

I guess it’s just late and I’m having a hard night. I am tired of feeling like I am fighting tooth and nail just to be able to run damage control for the people I should be able to trust implicitly.

 

[Seira]

My FH is very supportive. He has repeatedly set boundaries with his family, which is part of why he has pulled farther and farther away from them. Which just makes me feel worse about my own family, because I feel like the poison that is in my family is just spreading to him.

That’s what his mother believes. Even though she’s now quit saying it out loud, (one of the things FH put his foot down about) I can still tell she feels that way.

I’ve sat down and talked about this with my therapist, and she has said that I should just swear off my family completely, and that I should be more forgiving of my FH’s family.

Don’t see a therapist. See your priest. Why should you not be forgiving of your own family who has issues & yet be totally forgiving of a family who thinks of you as poison or as “not good enough”? The fact that they’re so controlling & won’t butt out of your life shows that they have issues themselves. Maybe they’re the ones that really need therapy.

 

[Arlene]

I feel like the poison that is in my family is just spreading to him…

I don’t think the poison is spreading. I think it is two separate poisons. Your family is one issue. But it sounds like his family has issues that would be present no matter who he was marrying. They sound like snobs who think no one is good enough for their son. If it wasn’t you, they would be finding fault with whoever.

It is also horribly rude of them to think they can control the guest list. The guests should be people who are important to you and your fiance, not the business associates of the grooms parent’s who probably never even met the groom. Your future inlaws want to make this the social event of the season and have it be all about them. Well, its not about them. Its about you and your fiance.

Your fiance needs to tell his parents “While we appreciate your being willing to pay for extra people, we have decided to limit the attendance to family and our personal friends”

As far as your family, I can imagine how hard it would be to uninvite your own family, and I don’t have any advice about how to go about doing that. But as far as having your side in the church empty, I say a really cute sign on Pinterest that apparently someone created for a wedding that said:

Since two families are being joined today,
Please choose a seat
and not a side.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I don’t think the poison is spreading. I think it is two separate poisons. Your family is one issue. But it sounds like his family has issues that would be present no matter who he was marrying. They sound like snobs who think no one is good enough for their son. If it wasn’t you, they would be finding fault with whoever.

I though this as well. It sounds like they need an excuse to not like you. It is good that your FH is supportive and that he sees what is happening.

 

[1ke]

It’s not that I want a huge wedding, it’s that my FH’s family is very large, and would be insulted by not being invited to his wedding. So even if he only invited his siblings, their spouses, and his parents, we’re still looking at over 20 people. Plus, his parents have already started talking about people they want to invite (they’ve offered to pay for the guests they want to bring, mostly business associates and their friends). They’re offering to help pay for the big wedding they think we should have. I just. I’m really lost, and i don’t know what to do. I would go talk to my priest, except my priest is friends with my FH’s mother.

Your fiance needs to start laying down the law with his family. No more comments about you or your ‘broken home’ and he needs to get control of the wedding NOW.

You and he sit down, make a list of people YOU two want to invite, and invite them and NO ONE ELSE. Your future in laws do not get to pay to invite guests of their own. THEY are invited guests themselves.

I can understand toxic family, and you solve that problem by simply not inviting them if that is what you want. BUT I think you fail to see the bigger issue. His family is no bed of roses and he needs to NIP IT NOW.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Your fiance needs to start laying down the law with his family. No more comments about you or your ‘broken home’ and he needs to get control of the wedding NOW.

You and he sit down, make a list of people YOU two want to invite, and invite them and NO ONE ELSE. Your future in laws do not get to pay to invite guests of their own. THEY are invited guests themselves.

I can understand toxic family, and you solve that problem by simply not inviting them if that is what you want. BUT I think you fail to see the bigger issue. His family is no bed of roses and he needs to NIP IT NOW.

This. Because you feel bad about your own family’s problems, you look at his family as being “better,” but their problems are just as bad if not worse. That snobbery can really destroy a marriage especially if they keep making snide comments like they have been, the “broken home” sorts of comments. What a brood of backstabbing vipers!

I get some of this from my husband’s mother. She never fails to ask about my nephew, who is in prison - as if she is sympathetic but I think it’s more to reinforce that I’m not the same caliber as her son. I think in her heart she feels her son “married down,” and oh well about that.

 

[cmscms]

Don’t see a therapist. See your priest. Why should you not be forgiving of your own family who has issues & yet be totally forgiving of a family who thinks of you as poison or as “not good enough”? The fact that they’re so controlling & won’t butt out of your life shows that they have issues themselves. Maybe they’re the ones that really need therapy.

 

[Kelfa28]

Your fiance needs to start laying down the law with his family. No more comments about you or your ‘broken home’ and he needs to get control of the wedding NOW.

You and he sit down, make a list of people YOU two want to invite, and invite them and NO ONE ELSE. Your future in laws do not get to pay to invite guests of their own. THEY are invited guests themselves.

I can understand toxic family, and you solve that problem by simply not inviting them if that is what you want. BUT I think you fail to see the bigger issue. His family is no bed of roses and he needs to NIP IT NOW.

This…All of this!

We had the exact same problem with our wedding…except not as extreme as yours.
We wanted a small wedding with just 50 or so people invited. Unfortunately my MIL had other plans and decided to tell all of her friends and family members she had not spoken to in months.
It was clear she was overstepping our boundaries and planning her own wedding.
I have a very small family and if you add everyone…including friends…my number was around 30 total.
His mom tried inviting double that…and that didn’t include my husband’s father’s side of the family because they are divorced.

Two days before I was going to send out the invites and when I was stuffing the invitations I got a good look at the list his mother e-mailed me and lost it.

I made my husband call his mother and tell her to stop this nonsense because this was OUR wedding and not hers and if feelings were going to be hurt then so be it!
That phone call was a scene.

Anyway…forget how your husband’s family treats you. They do not have permission to commandeer your wedding.
It’s your wedding and you are the ones planning it.
He needs to speak with his family and quit their nonsense…NOW!
Otherwise it will get more complicated and harder to fix.

 

[EasterJoy]

My FH is very supportive. He has repeatedly set boundaries with his family, which is part of why he has pulled farther and farther away from them. Which just makes me feel worse about my own family, because I feel like the poison that is in my family is just spreading to him.

That’s what his mother believes. Even though she’s now quit saying it out loud, (one of the things FH put his foot down about) I can still tell she feels that way.

I’ve sat down and talked about this with my therapist, and she has said that I should just swear off my family completely, and that I should be more forgiving of my FH’s family.

I guess it’s just late and I’m having a hard night. I am tired of feeling like I am fighting tooth and nail just to be able to run damage control for the people I should be able to trust implicitly.

His mother’s myth of family perfection is getting challenged. She’s no saint, or she’d not be blaming her family’s lack of charity and compassion on someone else. If it weren’t you, it would be someone else, but the day was going to come when her son was going to have to tell her that her small-heartedness wasn’t acceptable in a good MIL. Still, I think what your therapist means is that we all tend to react badly when our self-image is put into too honest a light.

Remember that forgiving is not the same as excusing. Forgiving decides to set aside vengeance or any desire to carry a grudge about an offense. You can forgive your family–I hope that eventually you can–without concluding that they deserve a position of trust or intimacy in your life. Forgiveness does not refuse to object to wrong-doing. After all, did not Our Lord say: If I have spoken wrongly, testify to the wrong; but if I have spoken rightly, why do you strike me? John 18:23? No. When he saw wrong, he called people on it, and I don’t remember that any of them ever liked it much.

Let go of expectations, though, of what you “ought” to have. The Lord also had to reprimand his own chosen apostles. As a child, he himself gave his parents a scare, because they didn’t realize what he was about. There is a famous saying among psychologists that I have become fond of: The definition of a dysfunctional family is this: A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it. You cannot know this, having grown up in a family that was intolerably errant, but a certain number of errors are going to happen in any family. A healthy family is not one without complaints, but one in which complaints are lodged and handled in a healthy way. Your therapist can help you navigate what that means.

I’d also suggest John Gottman’s books, such as “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. Many libraries have it, so you can peruse it before buying a copy. Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More” is good, too. It will help you see what patterns in your way in the world are healthy and which ones aren’t. You got far too much bad stuff from your family of origin, but somewhere you may have gotten some very good stuff, too! Have someone help you decide which is which.

 

[hannajomar]

The more you talk about your fiancees husband, the more I really think you need to think about what your life will be and start setting boundaries NOW. If you and FH want a small wedding, that is your choice and the offended people need to get over it. Not to mention offering to pay to bring their business associates shows they are trying to control with money.

CM

I agree with this, especially the part I highlighted. This very thing happened around my brother’s wedding. The brides’ father is very rich and offered to pay for the whole wedding. He basically just used that as an excuse to be controlling. They eventually had to tell him no thank-you to his money. They were much happier for it, even though he basically cut them out of his life after that. This might be the only time where you can say this is your day. You need to do what you and your fiance choose, not what everyone expects of you. Your future in-laws will be critical of you no matter what you do. Some people will just find a reason.

When you marry, you and your husband will need to cleave to each other, because it doesn’t sound like either of you have much family support. God bless you both.

 

[dedo]

Your wedding day is for you, not your family. I concur with the boundary issue. Otherwise, it sounds like some people will try and manipulate and terrorize you guys for life (or until they wreck your marriage).

If you think family members will mess up your wedding, don’t invite them.

A couple options include:

1. Elope
2. Have the wedding far away. I know a couple who had their wedding in a foreign country. It was not because of family issues. However, that could be a simple way to just “not invite” certain people.

I think we only had about 20 something people at our wedding and I was very glad that we had a small wedding. Our families only met at the rehearsal dinner the day before the wedding. There were no “issues” at the time; however, I was not going to give anyone the chance to create an issue.

Good luck,

Dedo

 

[IrishAm]

If you and your beloved can’t (or won’t) take control of your wedding, I would be very concerned about your abilities to take control of your marriage and your lives. My suggestion would be, on very short notice (maybe a few weeks, maybe a couple of days, maybe 20 minutes), have a small wedding with just the most immediate and supportive people in your lives in attendance – family or not. Afterwards, should his family wish to “throw a party” for their wider circle, and you wish to accept this, go for it. And, if you wish a gathering of your family under a more controlled situation, either host it or accept the generosity of a family member who does so. Part of being in control is simply taking control.