Met a girl at church…sorta

[Et_Cetera]

Yeah, just be yourself. If she’s actually interested in you, she’ll be happy to have you talking to her. Give it a shot. What’s the worst that could happen?

 

[Schieffelin]

When I was single I used to think all the time “oh my gosh, I wish these Catholic guys wouldn’t make things so complicated and would just ask me out!” I felt like I was always getting mixed signals from men and I couldn’t tell if they were nervous or why they wouldn’t just be more direct. Being direct and being creepy are not the same thing.

My husband was afraid to ask me out when we first met but he did it anyway, because he knew he might miss his chance so he went for it. I could tell he was nervous but that getting to know me was more important so he overcame his fear. That was the first step in him earning tremendous respect from me. Anyway, every woman is different so I can only speak for myself–but I can’t tell you what a relief it was for a guy to just step up and take the lead without over-analyzing everything. Good luck!

 

[chevalier]

When I was single I used to think all the time “oh my gosh, I wish these Catholic guys wouldn’t make things so complicated and would just ask me out!” I felt like I was always getting mixed signals from men and I couldn’t tell if they were nervous or why they wouldn’t just be more direct. Being direct and being creepy are not the same thing.

My husband was afraid to ask me out when we first met but he did it anyway, because he knew he might miss his chance so he went for it. I could tell he was nervous but that getting to know me was more important so he overcame his fear. That was the first step in him earning tremendous respect from me. Anyway, every woman is different so I can only speak for myself–but I can’t tell you what a relief it was for a guy to just step up and take the lead without over-analyzing everything. Good luck!

Well, as you say, every woman is different. Men generally tend to accumulate a certain baggage of experience of rejection in various forms and often fail to deal with it appropriately. It may be that some other woman humiliated them (the whole “creepy” thing) or stood them up, otherwise made them feel inadequate or just simply the disappointed hope when you discover that while you’re attracted so much and you think the match is so great and obvious, but the other person does not see it that way. Some men eventually get over it with age, some don’t.

Also, there is a chance that if you show early that she has a great impact on you, she will get bored (too easy or something like that) or will think less of you (for example see you as inferior), which is the reason some people may be reluctant at first. Among adults, we know that such a girl simply has some growing up to do and isn’t relationship material anyway but very young men don’t see it this way.

Heh, finally there’s that inexplicable thing that just takes your voice away. I was a lawyer for a brief spell, I enjoyed the thrill of the courtroom brawl and even talked back to the court… pulled daring lines on women too. But there’ve been moments when just looking at a certain woman, sitting the opposite to her, made me so moved, in fact put me in a pensive mood. I guess there’s a sort of awe when you encounter something beautiful and in some cases this can take a very personal dimension (of which the other person may not be aware). Obviously this is not something that happens too often…

 

[Sirach614]

Like everybody said: Just be yourself and talk to the girl Formally introduce yourself sometime in the near future, strike up a conversation about anything pertinent, and the friendship should naturally progress from there if she is open to it. And perhaps it could even become a more serious relationship if that is what is meant to happen.

Just talk to her. And don’t look back. Because even if she ends up not being interested in a relationship (though disappointing as that may be), you can have the satisfaction of knowing you tried and put forth the effort. With God’s grace, it will work out for the best

 

[Schieffelin]

Well, as you say, every woman is different. Men generally tend to accumulate a certain baggage of experience of rejection in various forms and often fail to deal with it appropriately. It may be that some other woman humiliated them (the whole “creepy” thing) or stood them up, otherwise made them feel inadequate or just simply the disappointed hope when you discover that while you’re attracted so much and you think the match is so great and obvious, but the other person does not see it that way. Some men eventually get over it with age, some don’t.

Also, there is a chance that if you show early that she has a great impact on you, she will get bored (too easy or something like that) or will think less of you (for example see you as inferior), which is the reason some people may be reluctant at first. Among adults, we know that such a girl simply has some growing up to do and isn’t relationship material anyway but very young men don’t see it this way.

Heh, finally there’s that inexplicable thing that just takes your voice away. I was a lawyer for a brief spell, I enjoyed the thrill of the courtroom brawl and even talked back to the court… pulled daring lines on women too. But there’ve been moments when just looking at a certain woman, sitting the opposite to her, made me so moved, in fact put me in a pensive mood. I guess there’s a sort of awe when you encounter something beautiful and in some cases this can take a very personal dimension (of which the other person may not be aware). Obviously this is not something that happens too often…

yeah, I know it gets complicated for all the reasons you mention above. Even my husband admits to some game-playing in the beginning of the relationship because he wanted to keep me interested. Overall though, if the lady is right and the timing is right it will work out. He should try to be confident and natural.

 

[chevalier]

yeah, I know it gets complicated for all the reasons you mention above. Even my husband admits to some game-playing in the beginning of the relationship because he wanted to keep me interested. Overall though, if the lady is right and the timing is right it will work out. He should try to be confident and natural.

Yeah. It’s hard to resist overcomplicating those things.

Not a big fan of “timing”, for the record. Been hearing about it a lot, never been able to figure the thing out.

 

[Luvz2travel]

You might start up a friend conversation. About whatever activity she was involved in and ask her how it went or how it is going. Then as her a few non person friend questions find out what she likes to do.

 

[Jerry_Miah]

Yeah, just be yourself. If she’s actually interested in you, she’ll be happy to have you talking to her. Give it a shot. What’s the worst that could happen?

I second this, but have a few questions ready too. Practice them, even. Ask her how long she’s gone to the church, where she goes to school (if you guys are that young), what she does, about her family, or whatever. See if you know anyone in common. Before you talk to her, find out about some church social function. If you think it’s going well when you talk to her, find out if she’s going, and if so, tell her you will see her there. Main thing is to keep it friendly and not worry, be nice always. Maybe she’ll just be a friend.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I second this, but have a few questions ready too. Practice them, even. Ask her how long she’s gone to the church, where she goes to school (if you guys are that young), what she does, about her family, or whatever. See if you know anyone in common. Before you talk to her, find out about some church social function. If you think it’s going well when you talk to her, find out if she’s going, and if so, tell her you will see her there. Main thing is to keep it friendly and not worry, be nice always. Maybe she’ll just be a friend.

This is great advice.

 

[grandfather]

The truth is always best. Tell the girl that you think she is attractive and you are interested in getting to know her. Ask her if she would like to go for coffee or lunch after church.

She will say yes or no. If she says yes you will have a conversation and soon find out if there is mutual interest. If she says no another girl will come along soon enough.

You do not need to think up a topic to discuss, like the program at church. She is the topic of conversation, where she is from, her family, her background in general, what her aspirations and interests are. Isn’t that what you want to know?

A girl will want to know the same things about you. All you have to do is be honest.

 

[kelvinf]

yeah, I know it gets complicated for all the reasons you mention above. Even my husband admits to some game-playing in the beginning of the relationship because he wanted to keep me interested. Overall though, if the lady is right and the timing is right it will work out. He should try to be confident and natural.

Yeah. It’s hard to resist overcomplicating those things.

Not a big fan of “timing”, for the record. Been hearing about it a lot, never been able to figure the thing out.

There are for sure certain fundamental differences betweeen our sexes and I don’t know if this “right timing” factor is one of them or if some of us are just naive.

I had an experience with a girl friend that hurt me so badly. It’s something I never knew or could even dare to imagine that it was written in the female constitution.

I had a friend and we were just friends. I never knew how the future was going to be. Again, in the beginning, we were just friendly to each other, I had not thought of dating her; it was just natural friendship.

As time went by, we became closer together and hence very good friends. Then I started having feelings for her. We knew each other so well and I felt like she was just the right person. *

I mean, could there be any other person better than the person you know so well, the person you have spent much time together? In my mind, I thought the timing was perfect. Never did I know that I was just kinda wet behind the ears in this business. I proposed to her and she turned it down. She said, if we were to date, the time had already past. I then also learned from some other girl friends that, you can’t date a friend in the girl’s world. This was/is clearly thinking in the anticlockwise direction to mine, because I believed and still love to believe that, it is easier to date and eventually marry someone you have already been friends with. But we live in different worlds.

So I also do not know when the timing is right.*

 

[LotusCarsLtd]

Like everybody said: Just be yourself and talk to the girl Formally introduce yourself sometime in the near future, strike up a conversation about anything pertinent, and the friendship should naturally progress from there if she is open to it. And perhaps it could even become a more serious relationship if that is what is meant to happen.

Just talk to her. And don’t look back. Because even if she ends up not being interested in a relationship (though disappointing as that may be), you can have the satisfaction of knowing you tried and put forth the effort. With God’s grace, it will work out for the best

But that’s precisely the problem…I literally cannot even get myself to approach them because I have nothing to say nor any “in” to get to know them. The only “ins” I have are with this particular church group I’m in, but we’re small and the women there are either married or dating.

I cannot find a good way to even approach any random woman after Mass even though I want to (for clarification, I’ve never been attractive to women until recently, and I never learned how to approach women when I was younger).

 

[exoflare]

The truth is always best. Tell the girl that you think she is attractive and you are interested in getting to know her. Ask her if she would like to go for coffee or lunch after church.

She will say yes or no. If she says yes you will have a conversation and soon find out if there is mutual interest. If she says no another girl will come along soon enough.

You do not need to think up a topic to discuss, like the program at church. She is the topic of conversation, where she is from, her family, her background in general, what her aspirations and interests are. Isn’t that what you want to know?

A girl will want to know the same things about you. All you have to do is be honest.

Did this strike anyone else as naive? You just have to picture somebody actually trying this in real life before you can appreciate how truly awkward it would be.

“Hi there (girl I’ve never talked to before), I really think you are attractive and I am interested in getting to know you better.”

If you’re actually going to try this I’d recommend at least trying it out on some other girls for practice first, that way you can see how much it totally doesn’t work.

 

[LotusCarsLtd]

Did this strike anyone else as naive? You just have to picture somebody actually trying this in real life before you can appreciate how truly awkward it would be.

“Hi there (girl I’ve never talked to before), I really think you are attractive and I am interested in getting to know you better.”

If you’re actually going to try this I’d recommend at least trying it out on some other girls for practice first, that way you can see how much it totally doesn’t work.

And that’s precisely my problem…simply approaching girls you don’t know is inherently creepy. I did it for many years and naturally I failed very, very often.

 

[chevalier]

But that’s precisely the problem…I literally cannot even get myself to approach them because I have nothing to say nor any “in” to get to know them. The only “ins” I have are with this particular church group I’m in, but we’re small and the women there are either married or dating.

I think that’s pretty much similar anywhere. Probably most women past their earliest twenties are married or dating someone, in general.

I cannot find a good way to even approach any random woman after Mass even though I want to (for clarification, I’ve never been attractive to women until recently, and I never learned how to approach women when I was younger).

You can really just drop out of the blue, introduce yourself and ask if she wouldn’t like to have a coffee somewhere close (i.e. right now) and if she can’t, then maybe some other day? Probability of a relationship starting from here isn’t huge but it never is anyway. As anything, this too will get better with practice. It may be a good idea to comment briefly on some aspect of her impression on you that caught your attention but that’d better be a benevolent complement rather than anything bigger than that.

I’m perfectly confident that you can get away with, ‘I saw that smile and thought I just couldn’t not ask her for a coffee,’ or a similar line if the woman sees something in you. You mostly just simply need to initiate the conversation and then it either goes forward or it doesn’t, at least in my experience.

 

[chevalier]

I mean, could there be any other person better than the person you know so well, the person you have spent much time together? In my mind, I thought the timing was perfect. Never did I know that I was just kinda wet behind the ears in this business. I proposed to her and she turned it down. She said, if we were to date, the time had already past. I then also learned from some other girl friends that, you can’t date a friend in the girl’s world. This was/is clearly thinking in the anticlockwise direction to mine, because I believed and still love to believe that, it is easier to date and eventually marry someone you have already been friends with. But we live in different worlds.

For every woman that thinks that, you will find one that thinks you need to be friends before dating can even become an option. I’ve heard a lot of women say the latter, really. On the other hand, I’ve witnessed the same type of friend-zoning you mention. I guess they’re just different from each other, so you need to approach each of them as an individual, suspending a good number of generalisations, even if they have some potential to be true.

So I also do not know when the timing is right.

Personally, I think two people are either right for each other or not, in more absolute terms, barring perhaps some effects of personality development. Sorry for talking like a lawyer but the way I see it, mere timing is a purely procedural thing that shouldn’t have bearing on the substance of a case. I utterly don’t seem the magic of it that many women seem to put forth so much.

 

[kelvinf]

Did this strike anyone else as naive? You just have to picture somebody actually trying this in real life before you can appreciate how truly awkward it would be.

“Hi there (girl I’ve never talked to before), I really think you are attractive and I am interested in getting to know you better.”

If you’re actually going to try this I’d recommend at least trying it out on some other girls for practice first, that way you can see how much it totally doesn’t work.

Wow, I would have loved to practice on girls, but it’s just that, you could seriously hurt someone in so doing.

 

[kelvinf]

For every woman that thinks that, you will find one that thinks you need to be friends before dating can even become an option. I’ve heard a lot of women say the latter, really. On the other hand, I’ve witnessed the same type of friend-zoning you mention. I guess they’re just different from each other, so you need to approach each of them as an individual, suspending a good number of generalisations, even if they have some potential to be true.

It’s good to hear that. But for me, it would be very risky to try that again. Cos if it doesn’t work, and apart from the fact that it hurts so badly, you also stand at loosing a friend.

 

[chevalier]

It’s good to hear that. But for me, it would be very risky to try that again. Cos if it doesn’t work, and apart from the fact that it hurts so badly, you also stand at loosing a friend.

Well, no risk no gain. And a woman whom you wouldn’t care to keep as a friend would be quite a risky potential partner.

 

[kelvinf]

Well, no risk no gain. And a woman whom you wouldn’t care to keep as a friend would be quite a risky potential partner.

Hahaha. Regarding the friendship issue, can you be a normal friend with someone you tried to date, someone you have feelings for? I am currently still in this kind of situation and it’s just so difficult.