"Michigan couple: Priest, 'bully' coach ruined our son's funeral"

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Kindnessmatters said:
Many people do push a narrative of tragic beauty in suicide.
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You specifically said families did this. I do not know any family who has pushed this as a narrative, and I know many families of suicide victims. It is indeed offensive to suggest that this is a typical family response.

Additionally, the priest in this case stepped over the bounds by discussing a cause of death that had not been disclosed to him by the family. It was not his place to talk about it in front of a congregation – I can easily imagine a situation where a grandparent or another elderly relative had not been informed of the cause of death and was finding it out here. It wasn’t his job to disclose.
 
Willing_Spirit said:
Yeah, that sermon sounds great. The only problem seems to be that it assumes and addresses a fear of hell that must not have existed. It comes across as tactless, because rather than giving hope to an existing fear of hell, it establishes the fear of hell that was not there.

It could be more appropriate for a funeral to just focus on mercy and not even mention the sin. An explanation of suicide is not going to be taken well during mourning unless hell was already a concern causing anxiety.
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Hell is not something that contemporary Catholics worry about. The larger society wants to believe that we all go to heaven, and in the main, Catholics just reflect the larger society. A priest who would even suggest anything else at a funeral would surely “step on the third rail” with the mourners congregated there, and that is what happened in this case.

The only people who seem to have a healthy fear of hell (aside from orthodox Catholics) are the evangelical fundamentalists who break the world down into the “saved” and the “lost”, and devote their missionary efforts to “saving the lost”, which in their theology is as simple as “accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal Savior”, a decision that is irrevocable and provides lifelong assurance of salvation. Can you imagine how joyous life would be if that were true? No wonder they’re always in such a good mood! 😇

People such as this don’t worry about parsing everyone’s individual, subjective dispositions, and stand back saying “we cannot judge”. For them, it is just black and white. More than once I have had to console a coworker, with a loved one who died “unsaved”, and remind them that only God knows all hearts, and may be able to reach even the most hardened sinner at the moment of death, in a way unknown to us.
 
The priest simply made a prudential mistake, but I’m sure he had good intentions.
 
Yes, I said a few times that the approach depends on the person. My point is…let’s be careful not to let the pendulum swing too far. I see all sorts of suicide propaganda regularly, given part of my family are active in what they consider the “best and only” approach to suicidal people and talking to survivors. They promote on behalf of several organizations that we destigmatize and legitimize suicide as a reasonable option to suffering; that we not ever tell a suicidal person that suicide is sinful or wrong; that we avoid talking about suicide as selfish. I couldn’t disagree more. The suggestions all follow the same theme of justification.

Yes, the priest could have edited the word out more and been more subtle but generally the offense is overblown. My father recently passed and there was no discussion with the priest about what his homily would say…that expectation of telling a priest what to say is very odd. Catholic funerals are not meant to be heavy on eulogy of the individual. We were allowed a total of five minutes of eulogies…we encouraged speeches at the lunch.

Certainly not something to sue over.
 
Some do. I know of a number of people who do exactly this. They advocate it. I am glad you have not been subjected to it.

There is no sense in taking offense at my disapproval of an inappropriate thing some people do that you do not do. If your family did not do this, I am not including you in criticising the practice. I had several classmates who committed suicide and a family member. There is not one way families react. One family didn’t have a funeral, pretended the person never lived. Another acted like the suicide was an act of bravery and martyred the person, going on and on justifying the decision. A third openly discussed that it was a sinful and selfish act while also remembering the good about the person, praying for mercy, and talking about the hardships that led the person to suicide. I think the third situation was the healthiest reaction. Those left behind were able to work through anger, disappointment and frustration as well as celebrating the life of the deceased. They also got a clear understanding that it was the wrong thing to do and could talk openly about what one can do instead if they have suicidal thoughts.
 
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It is not that common for Catholic funerals to include much eulogizing. It is actually discouraged. I didn’t know this until recently when I planned a funeral. I concede the priest could have avoided the word “suicide” but overall, I thought he was compassionate and correct.
 
Kindnessmatters said:
It is not that common for Catholic funerals to include much eulogizing. It is actually discouraged.
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Which is the point many of us are trying to make. The homily shouldn’t have included information about the cause of death —it’s not what the homily is supposed to be about. And in this case, it was even more egregious because because he divulged something the family didn’t even tell him.
 
I see what the objection is. I guess where I’m at with all the well considered commentary here is first, to your point, too much focus was on the suicide. He might have more subtly offered solace by briefly speaking of God understanding our suffering and being merciful without mentioning suicide.

I still think suing is inappropriate, as is expectation we can tell a priest what to say and I would not have objected to the homily were it for my family member.
 
Kindnessmatters said:
I told him suicide is sinful, selfish, would devastate his family and would set a horrible precedent.
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You know, I had a very close family member admit to me about a strong suicidal ideation he’d had. It was an extremely well thought out plan and would have passed for an accident.

But in the end he said the only thing that held him back was the fear of Hell.
 
I have some sympathy for both sides here. Not having read the homily itself, but going off the articles I have read, It sounds like the priest made the homily too much about the young man’s death, and not enough about what Christ has done for us. A homily at a funeral should always be Christocentric, offering the gospel, even in such difficult circumstances. Focusing on the gospel and the hope that we have in Christ would probably have prevented such a circumstance.

That being said, I think the parents were out of line by trying to dictate the text of the homily. That isn’t their job, and it isn’t the priest’s job to eulogize your son. That really should be done, if at all, by a family member or friend. The priest probably should have also laid this out ahead of time in order to straighten out the expectations for both sides.
 
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otjm said:
I agree with you on the lawsuit. It appears (in a non-psychological analysis) that they may be taking out their grief on the priest and the diocese. I am not sure what they are pleading as to harm; presumably intentional infliction of mental distress. Might be a hard case to prove; the other side of the coin may be how much exposure the Church wishes to endure in what is generally a hostile press.

Meaning, they may want a pound of flesh; or they may only be seeing a possible $$$ recovery. The information is at best sketchy, but there are enough details to lean towards a family that may have had a tenuous connection to the Church to begin with. That is not for us to decide.
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It seems to me that the Bishop’s reaction in having this priest submit his homilies for review is a good indicator that his pastoral discretion was suspect here. Hard to say though.
 
My friend ultimately told me he didn’t want to set such a bad example for nieces and nephews nor to hurt his mother or siblings.
 
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