MIL moving in with us

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I really like my MIL, but I would flip my lid if my husband made a decision like this without consulting me. No, it’s not okay.
 
It’s amazing to me that you are reluctant to stand up for your rights as an equal partner in the marriage.
This makes no sense to me
God expects us to be charitable, but not to the point of being a doormat.

If one of my children ever asked me to move in, I would personally talk to their spouse to MAKE SURE that it would not negatively impact their marriage. As a grownup, I have a moral duty to not disrupt another Christian household, no matter how the child insists. I think both of them need to grow up.

Of course, a priest is not going to give blanket approval of this without speaking to you both.
He’s going to want to hear ALL SIDES of it.
Go see him. Asap
 
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I’ve often told my only child, that she better have a big house if she ever expects me to move in with her after she’s married. No way I’m going to be THAT mother-in-law. She needs to aim for a farm with 45 acres and our houses are opposites sides of the property. IOW, close, but not in the same house!!!

OP, I sincerely hope you get this worked out. Your husband is being unfair to you in insisting that you tolerate his perfectly capable mother moving in when she sounds like she could still live on her own. My opinion might be slightly different if she were 90-year old, emphasis on MIGHT.

Good luck and I really hope things work out for you. It’s not good for your kids to see this sort of stress within their parents marriage.
 
pianistclare said:
It’s amazing to me that you are reluctant to stand up for your rights as an equal partner in the marriage.
This makes no sense to me
God expects us to be charitable, but not to the point of being a doormat.

If one of my children ever asked me to move in, I would personally talk to their spouse to MAKE SURE that it would not negatively impact their marriage. As a grownup, I have a moral duty to not disrupt another Christian household, no matter how the child insists. I think both of them need to grow up.

Of course, a priest is not going to give blanket approval of this without speaking to you both.
He’s going to want to hear ALL SIDES of it.
Go see him. Asap
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I actually just asked him to see our priest with me to talk as a couple. He said he’d rather go separately.

As for a MIL not wanting to come between a marriage: she has NO qualms about getting involved in the affairs of a husband and wife. She’s done it to her other son and DIL. All she needs is her son to complain about wife and MIL will be all over it. She takes that as an invitation.

I know dh will involve her in our affairs and that will be her invitation.

I can make an appointment to see our priest, but I doubt dh will seek our priest’s (name removed by moderator)ut. Dh says he’s confident in his decision being the right one. He thinks I should see the priest so that he could tell me how wrong I am and that she should come.
 
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You have to insist. He said he’d rather go alone? Hand him the phone. Call the church pal.
He would rather go alone because he has no intention fo getting a second opinion. He’ll say he went and that the priest agrees because he knows you won’t ask the priest and the priest may not share details of their meeting anyway.

How much more of this manipulation will you tolerate?
Think hard.
It’s a long miserable life when someone else leads your husband around, raises your kids, and rules you in your own house.

If you don’t step up now, you might as resign yourself to a miserable life. It doesn’t HAVE to be this way.
The church certainly does not advocate this kind of abuse.

If nothing else, he is violating his marriage vows. He’s supposed to leave his parents behind to build a new, separate family with you. He can forgive her and love her, but you are now the woman in his life.

Is he a practicing Catholic?
 
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Have you ever heard the term “emotional incest”

Your husband is putting his mother before you by not giving you a choice about moving in. His mommy gets to rule the house. His mommy gets a nice room changing things for your children. Is she going to get the master bedroom? You two bunk with the kids so she lives in comfort? So he married you, made babies with you, and now he’s calling in his mom so he can be with her.
 
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Is there maybe a cultural dimension to this? Is it typical in your husband’s family for elderly parents to move in? Like, I know in my culture that’s the norm and there would be a lot of pressure for that to happen.

Even so, he should be taking your feelings into account if there’s no compelling reason for his mom to move in and if she could just as easily move closer without financial strain. It’s not okay for him to just arbitrarily decide to do this against your wishes.
 
shazirah said:
Is there maybe a cultural dimension to this? Is it typical in your husband’s family for elderly parents to move in?
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No, it’s not a cultural thing with us or where we live.

Jharek: I do not find this tolerable and I don’t enjoy being a “victim.” I’ve just tried to cope with it as a cross in my marriage. As they say: you can’t change others; you can only change yourself.
 
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no1special said:
: I do not find this tolerable and I don’t enjoy being a “victim.” I’ve just tried to cope with it as a cross in my marriage. As they say: you can’t change others; you can only change yourself.
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We take things as our cross we can’t change- illness, loss, poverty. A bad childhood. I doubt he will ever change if you sort him in the “Cross burden category”
 
My mother lives with us; so, cohabitation can certainly be done and can be a HUGE blessing to the whole family. My kids LOVE having their nana spoil them; we love having a live in “babysitter.” Can you say grocery shopping without kids? Amazing.

BUT she never would have moved in without me discussing it with my husband and we’ve had to work together to make rules so we are all comfortable with the situation.

You don’t have a voice in your marriage and that won’t be helped by having your MIL there. It’s a recipe for disaster if your MIL actually needed immediate assistance. The fact that she is not in peril in her current living situation would absolutely cause me to put the brakes on until such time that I was treated with respect within my home.
 
I have read your posts and the many responses. I really feel the need to add my reply. I surely may be tinted through my experiences with my wife’s mother and seeing my Aunt’s marriage being picked apart by such a arrangement.

We all have crosses to bear, but no one has the right to knowingly or unknowingly place this upon you. There are so many red flags here; placing the unreasonableness on you, making the decision without mutual agreement, refusing to listen or see alternative views, and refusing to involve an objective party to name a few.

I am in NO a mental health professional. I can only strongly ask that you seek out counsel from your priest and/or a professional to help you look at this situation. If not, may I suggest a small book called Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason.

I will say a prayer for you, your marriage and situation.
 
My dad did this to my mom, bringing his senile and incontinent mother to live with us without consulting. (She is the only person in my life I have ever thought of as truly evil, even when she still had her faculties, and I do not use that word lightly.)
My mother, working fulltime with kids, managed 18 months of this, with no practical backup from my hardworking dad, before saying ’her or me.’
My gran was gone within a week, they saved their marriage, but my mom was dead inside ever after, cracked from the betrayal and pressure until she died 20 years later.

I’ve forgiven everyone involved for the pain they caused each other, and us teens, but it was some sharp lessons, down to finding my mother’s suicide letter.

From this I learnt that it’s not wrong to care for elderly family, in home or in separate living, but it’s always wrong to do so without the fullhearted agreement of your life partner, significant other.
 
JetteZ said:
My mother lives with us; so, cohabitation can certainly be done and can be a HUGE blessing to the whole family. My kids LOVE having their nana spoil them; we love having a live in “babysitter.” Can you say grocery shopping without kids? Amazing
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My most cherished memories are when my granny lived with us. Dad is an only child, so, after grandpa died she came to live with us. She was wheelchair bound, so, caring for her was more than making a new space in the house.

I shared a room with my sister and was across the hall. If granny needed anything in the night she would call “Yooo Hooo” and my nickname and I would go get her a drink of water or whatever she needed. After she passed, I would cry and cry at night wishing to hear that “Yooo Hooo”.

She and I had a bond that I did not have with my other grandmother.

This could give your kids a chance to build some precious memories.
 
I would have LOVED a setup like that when my sweet monsters were little!
 
I think it’s really important for families to take care of each other and having my mother live with us is an important lesson to our children that this is what families do for each other. There is precious bonding my children get to experience and there are lessons on caring, patience and being helpful that are different because they have someone who is older living with them.

However, it is also important for children to understand the importance of boundaries in relationships. My mom knows that if they are asking her for dessert it’s probably because a parent has told them no (most of the time she’ll say to ask one of us, sometimes she sneaks them a Hershey kiss); she respects our boundaries as parents and I respect that she is their grandparent and isn’t going to have the same level of discipline that we do.

I don’t have the same kind of relationship with my dad. Without going into details, it isn’t a situation that would be good; so, although I believe families should take care of each other, I am caring for my family best by keeping him at a distance. There is nothing sinful about that; quite the opposite.
 
It seems rather convenient when a man moves a parent in and expects his wife to do the care.
 
JetteZ said:
I think it’s really important for families to take care of each other and having my mother live with us is an important lesson to our children that this is what families do for each other. There is precious bonding my children get to experience and there are lessons on caring, patience and being helpful that are different because they have someone who is older living with them.

However, it is also important for children to understand the importance of boundaries in relationships. My mom knows that if they are asking her for dessert it’s probably because a parent has told them no (most of the time she’ll say to ask one of us, sometimes she sneaks them a Hershey kiss); she respects our boundaries as parents and I respect that she is their grandparent and isn’t going to have the same level of discipline that we do.

I don’t have the same kind of relationship with my dad. Without going into details, it isn’t a situation that would be good; so, although I believe families should take care of each other, I am caring for my family best by keeping him at a distance. There is nothing sinful about that; quite the opposite.
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I think who the other person is, is VERY important.

If the grandmother is abusive, even if she is kind to the children, they will learn the wrong lesson. As you stated, sometimes caring for someone best is keeping them at a distance.

My mother had said when she’s old she wants to live with me. Hubby and I are ok with it. She’d hopefully mellow a bit and we’d have to set ground rules, but it could work. My dad? He’d rather die than be dependent but I’d take him in without blinking an eye. His parents? His mom…we’d have to get a lot out in the air with a professional. His dad…I dunno. Like my dad, he would probably want death over dependancy but there’s nothing personality wise we’d have to work on.

Right now, my grandmother lives with my mom and my mom also cares for my nieces and nephews. It takes a lot of mental fortitude to make it work, and I think the only reason it’s working now is that my dad is retired. The logistics alone are a full-time job…and you need all the adults to be willing and ready to make that work.
 
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