MIL now meddling with grown grandchildren

[m_crane]

My son is in his 20’s and has taken a new job as an life insurance salesman. His cousin also in his 20’s and still living at home agreed to an appointment with my son and agreed that he would like to buy a policy.

Now the problem. When [cousin’s] mother found out she went to her mother (my son’s and his cousin’s grandmother) and complained. The grandmother then went to my son and told him that his cousin asked her opinion about buying insurance and that she told him not to buy it.
My son called his cousin and got the story that it was cousin’s mother who called grandmother not him. This rings true because his cousin is not in the habit of calling grandmom and he had no reason to lie to my son.

Now I am annoyed because not only did grandmother(my MIL) meddle in somethings that was none of her business, she lied about how she found out about cousin’s plan.

This is not the first time she has paired of with SIL to manipulate and meddle between people but usually the victim is me.

Should my husband and I call her out on this?

 

[EasterJoy]

Your son is an adult, old enough to sell insurance to other adults. The most you should do is to tell him you’re aware of the situation, but that you would not interfere on his behalf unless he asked you to because he’s a grown man and you think he can decide when he does and does not want outside help.

If he wants your help, he’ll feel free to ask you. If he doesn’t, he’ll be thankful that he is the cousin with the parents who let their son become his own man.

 

[BillP]

Now I am annoyed because not only did grandmother(my MIL) meddle in somethings that was none of her business, she lied about how she found out about cousin’s plan.

This is not the first time she has paired of with SIL to manipulate and meddle between people but usually the victim is me.

Should my husband and I call her out on this?

How is this any of your business?

 

[PatriceA]

My husband sold life insurance for a bit when he was still trying to figure out his career after leaving active duty with the military.

I think you have two issues going on in your situation. One, selling anything to family members is tricky territory. I know when one becomes an agent, the insurance company pushes selling to family members but, in my husband’s experience, it brought nothing but grief. And I mean nothing but grief. Yes he sold a policy here and there to a few family members, but the payoff was not worth it for all the trouble it can cause.

Second, if your SIL and MIL have this pattern of interfering in family matters, even more the reason to avoid doing any type of business with them. What would you really accomplish by calling them out on this latest situation? These are grown women acting like children. They have boundary issues

 

[faithfully]

Yep,

Time to tell your son that he needs to fight his own battles.

2nd, the reason commissions on sales are so awesome is because sales jobs are HARD. People purchase with emotions all the time. So grandma called, and explained her lack of knowledge on the topic, and little cousin bought it. This happens daily with all sorts of things. I know, I’m in sales. I’m shown daily the “average” level of intelligence. Scary world.

Edit to add: This one sale is NOT going to make or break him. Invite your son to read the book “Go for the No.” Cheap download on kindle or ibooks.

3rd. Since we’re meddling, I would encourage him to get into group sales. The commissions add up MUCH faster!

 

[1ke]

Should my husband and I call her out on this?

No.

Your grown son should fight his own battles. This is between the cousin and your son. They both need to learn to tell mommy and to butt out.

 

[PatriceA]

Yep,

2nd, the reason commissions on sales are so awesome is because sales jobs are HARD. People purchase with emotions all the time. So grandma called, and explained her lack of knowledge on the topic, and little cousin bought it. This happens daily with all sorts of things. I know, I’m in sales. I’m shown daily the “average” level of intelligence. Scary world.

3rd. Since we’re meddling, I would encourage him to get into group sales. The commissions add up MUCH faster!

And you bring up a point, this type of situation with the cousin and the grandma are going to happen over and over and over again as the OP’s son builds his client list. It stings probably because its family, but he better learn now how to handle the “sure” sale only to have it disappear when “grandma” or any other family member gets involved.

 

[Rainaldo]

I used to pay close attention to these complicated dramas to make sure I understand what’s going on, but after years of paying attention I’ve begun to notice they all have a few important things in common. I’m not going to say what they are.

So now I’m beginning to give the same advice across the board:

Why do you even care, Crane?

 

[EasterJoy]

Why do you even care, Crane?

Mothers care. That can’t be helped. The best she can do is to care and yet her children handle their own affairs. Not easy, but well worth it, and necessary if they are to mature into people who will have the generosity to help her when it is needed and asked for but also with the generosity to let her handle her own affairs when that is what she wants, too!

Fathers care, too, but they tend to get the point a little more quickly that caring about an adult means caring about their autonomy and respecting their boundaries. (Tend to, that is!)

 

[m_crane]

I don’t want to meddle in my sons affairs (truthfully I don’t think his cousin should buy the insurance either) but they are grown. I don’t even mind that his mother was upset about it. What I hate is the lie that the grandmother told my son about cousin coming for advice then the meddling. I heard this lie come out of her mouth with my own ears at a family gathering.

My son is not upset about losing the sale. I am not upset either. I understand that business is not always a good mix with family. My son is upset that grandmom lied.

Are some of you are saying is that I should allow my mother-in-law to lie and get away with it

Another thought is perhaps I should have told my son to confront her about the lie?

I sorry if i seem stupid or childish about this but the gossip by this MIL and her daughter have caused many serious problems and resulted in her sister, her other daughter and her niece no longer speaking to anyone in the family. All other family have always kept their distance from MIL.

My other SIL (SIL2)is very rude to me. She screamed at me and hung up on me once because I told her I didn’t have the funds to fly to her daughter"s wedding. SIL2 addresses christmas cards to my husband and family not me. She acted offended once when I brought a cake to her home for a party. Her son took the cake and thanked me because she refused to. I bearly know this lady. I met her maybe a dozen times but she thinks she knows me. The last encounter was when after a party at SIL2 house, I stopped at Macdonald for a burger. I had eaten but only a little because it was not at my regular meal time and I wasn’t hungry. On the way home a 3 hour drive I needed a little more food to i asked to stop for a burger. My MIL was with us and she asked why I hadn’t eaten enough at SIL2 house. The next time I visit SIL2 she filled a plate and shoved it at me. I know MIL told her something that made me seem like I was unable to eat her food.And I know it is MIL has painted in a bad light over the years.

This is beginning to put a big strain on my marriage. I don’t know how much more I can take.

 

[Rainaldo]

Mothers care.

Sure, but, the sheer complexity of the situation makes me wonder how much of this is motherliness and how much is just womanish meddling

 

[EasterJoy]

…My son is upset that grandmom lied…

Are some of you are saying is that I should allow my mother-in-law to lie and get away with it

Another thought is perhaps I should have told my son to confront her about the lie?

Since your son is upset, your son can confront his grandmother about the lie. If he wants to “let her get away with it” by not confronting her or doing any needless broadcasting of what is already widely known by anyone who would care, then let him do that. The offense was primarily against him, so leave it up to him.

In fact, if he comes complaining to you, I would highly encourage him to confront her himself, if he thinks she ought be confronted. Otherwise, you can be an ear to vent to, but do not insert yourself into a problem that he should handle himself.

…I sorry if i seem stupid or childish about this but the gossip by this MIL and her daughter have caused many serious problems and resulted in her sister, her other daughter and her niece no longer speaking to anyone in the family. All other family have always kept their distance from MIL.

My other SIL (SIL2)is very rude to me. She screamed at me and hung up on me once because I told her I didn’t have the funds to fly to her daughter"s wedding. SIL2 addresses christmas cards to my husband and family not me. She acted offended once when I brought a cake to her home for a party. Her son took the cake and thanked me because she refused to. I bearly know this lady. I met her maybe a dozen times but she thinks she knows me. The last encounter was when after a party at SIL2 house, I stopped at Macdonald for a burger. I had eaten but only a little because it was not at my regular meal time and I wasn’t hungry. On the way home a 3 hour drive I needed a little more food to i asked to stop for a burger. My MIL was with us and she asked why I hadn’t eaten enough at SIL2 house. The next time I visit SIL2 she filled a plate and shoved it at me. I know MIL told her something that made me seem like I was unable to eat her food.And I know it is MIL has painted in a bad light over the years.

This is beginning to put a big strain on my marriage. I don’t know how much more I can take.

The real issue seems to be that your husband’s family does not work and play well with others, particularly not you, and that they let MIL poison them against you, even though by now they ought to know her a bit better than that. Still…isn’t the habit of listening to her punishment enough? Really, do you think making other people miserable with her meddling started or ends with you? Does imitating her make anyone happy? Do you think they’ll get Purgatory for their entanglements with her, after all the needless suffering they chose by listening to her? Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe they are getting what they deserve right now, right here. Maybe you would suffer less if you refused to take any plays out of her playbook. Maybe you’d be happier to stay off the field on which her games are played out, altogether.

It hurts when you find you are in an extended family on a contingency basis, but at some point you have to give up investing yourself in a word that comes out of their mouths. They don’t deserve your emotional trust. Fine. Don’t trust them.

I like this line out of the Scriptures:
While he was in Jerusalem for the feast of Passover, many began to believe in his name when they saw the signs he was doing. But Jesus would not trust himself to them because he knew them all, and did not need anyone to testify about human nature. He himself understood it well. John 2:23-25

Consider that there were people that Our Lord loved enough to die for, but he still didn’t trust himself to them. He didn’t lie in order to spare their feelings. He did grieve the state of the relationship–after giving the religious authorities quite a dressing down, he said "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how many times I yearned to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her young under her wings, but you were unwilling! Behold, your house will be abandoned, desolate. I tell you, you will not see me again until you say, ‘Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.’" (Matt. 23:37-39)–and he did care about them. But as infinitely much as Our Lord loved his enemies, he accepted what the relationship was that they chose to have with them, and sometimes he avoided them.

It will not be easy, but you need to accept that a bad relationship with a relative is sometimes a fact of life, entirely out of your control. There is only so much you can do about it and only so much that anxiety about it will accomplish. Do your marriage a favor, and do the emotional work to let go of what your in-laws think. Just arrange with your husband to see them as seldom as possible.

To the extent you can, keep your peace and live in peace with your relatives. To the extent that this is impossible, leave the battlefield. They are playing games that no one wins. Don’t join them. Life is too short, and Heaven is too precious, to waste this life on stuff like that.

 

[EasterJoy]

Sure, but, the sheer complexity of the situation makes me wonder how much of this is motherliness and how much is just womanish meddling

Caring is what lets you see the situation. Maturity and discernment are what let you stay out of it. After all, it is no great thing to stay out the business of others solely because you are oblivious to anything other than your own. Sometimes, after all, justice does require people to keep their eyes open, and sometimes to step in. “Minding your own business” is not a universal virtue.

(BTW, if you please, if our Congress is not ample proof that pointless, inappropriate, self-important meddling is not the sole province of women, I don’t know what. Perhaps we are more prone, but it is not as if we alone fall to these sins of self-importance.)

 

[Mrs_Sally]

To the extent you can, keep your peace and live in peace with your relatives. To the extent that this is impossible, leave the battlefield. They are playing games that no one wins. Don’t join them.** Life is too short, and Heaven is too precious,** to waste this life on stuff like that.

Amen!

OP, remember that we do not always have to have everyone agree with us to be right. Grandma lied, but it seems she makes a practice of this. One blow-up with her grandson is not going to change her and is likely to make things worse. Let it go.

 

[Rainaldo]

Are some of you are saying is that I should allow my mother-in-law to lie and get away with it

Well, I’m saying it.

Look, if you were doing the right thing by policing everybody in your extended family, then it would bring you peace. But look at you - you’re a wreck over this.

I sorry if i seem stupid or childish about this but

Honestly, when I hear something like this it’s pretty much an admission you know you’re being stupid and childish.

the gossip by this MIL and her daughter have caused many serious problems and resulted in her sister, her other daughter and her niece no longer speaking to anyone in the family. All other family have always kept their distance from MIL.

My other SIL (SIL2)is very rude to me. She ***blah blah blah ***daughter"s wedding ***blah blah blah ***acted offended ***blah blah ***Macdonald

*Blah blah blah … yeah that’s harsh of me but what I mean is this: it’s all just more of the same drama, on and on forever, everybody’s mean to you yet you are falling over yourself trying to be nice to everybody and you always end up the victim. Crane, honey, what’s the point? If they’re such awful people then why are you troubling yourself to have anything to do with them? You don’t need all that.

So the men in your family are too dull-witted to know Grandma’s a pot-stirrer and too spineless to put their wives in their places. When are you going to finally just walk away? Your kids are grown, get a life of your own, and write your character out of this soap opera.

Okay hon?

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, I’m saying it.

Look, if you were doing the right thing by policing everybody in your extended family, then it would bring you peace. But look at you - you’re a wreck over this.

Honestly, when I hear something like this it’s pretty much an admission you know you’re being stupid and childish.

*Blah blah blah … yeah that’s harsh of me but what I mean is this: it’s all just more of the same drama, on and on forever, everybody’s mean to you yet you are falling over yourself trying to be nice to everybody and you always end up the victim. Crane, honey, what’s the point? If they’re such awful people then why are you troubling yourself to have anything to do with them? You don’t need all that.

So the men in your family are too dull-witted to know Grandma’s a pot-stirrer and too spineless to put their wives in their places. When are you going to finally just walk away? Your kids are grown, get a life of your own, and write your character out of this soap opera.

Okay hon?

I have to agree with the gist of this.

OP, if you had a hope for faciliating reconciliation or justice by stepping in, that could be a virtuous act, if your help was wanted. It wasn’t out of place for you to ask about that. As it is, though, you would just be throwing good sense in after bad if you got a bit more entangled with these relatives than you absolutely have to.

The truth is, your son would be wise to give Grandma a wide berth, too. Grandma will change the minute some angel knocks her down on her road to Damascus, and not a moment sooner…and that “angel” won’t be you! Keep out of her way, because there is no winning this one.

If Grandma’s influence is passed over–and your son knows the sale might not have been well-advised without her meddling, anyway–in 20 years, your son and his cousins might have decent relationship. Why put that generation on the spot to take sides? What good could that do? As for your chances at reconciliation with the rest of this group, I’d stay out of their orbit until after Grandma passes on to her Pearly Gate Retrospective meeting. Both now and then, pray for her. Until then, stay out of her way.

If he wants to confront her, though, stay out of it yourself. You’d be gasoline on that fire, and no more.

 

[catharina]

I don’t want to meddle in my sons affairs (truthfully I don’t think his cousin should buy the insurance either) but they are grown. I don’t even mind that his mother was upset about it. What I hate is the lie that the grandmother told my son about cousin coming for advice then the meddling.

This is NOT your business.
Back away and stay away.

 

[m_crane]

My husband sold life insurance for a bit when he was still trying to figure out his career after leaving active duty with the military.

I think you have two issues going on in your situation. One, selling anything to family members is tricky territory. I know when one becomes an agent, the insurance company pushes selling to family members but, in my husband’s experience, it brought nothing but grief. And I mean nothing but grief. Yes he sold a policy here and there to a few family members, but the payoff was not worth it for all the trouble it can cause.
I agree with this but I couldn’t interfere with my son’s decision to try to sell to family. I said nothing thinking he would simple learn on his own. He did.

Second, if your SIL and MIL have this pattern of interfering in family matters, even more the reason to avoid doing any type of business with them. What would you really accomplish by calling them out on this latest situation? These are grown women acting like children. They have boundary issues

Apparently they do but I always knew this. I just wanted to call them on it for once.

 

[EasterJoy]

Apparently they do but I always knew this. I just wanted to call them on it for once.

That is a very understandable temptation, but you have to consider a) whether you have the office to correct them and b) whether the correction could realistically be expected to lead to repentance and reconcilation. With regards to b), it isn’t your job to correct your SIL or MIL, except with regards to your own boundaries and with regards to b) I think we probably know the answer to that!

Do not try to teach a pig to sing; you just frustrate yourself and annoy the pig.
(And no, while it is good to make lemonade when you’re given lemons, in this case bacon is not an option. )

 

[PatriceA]

That is a very understandable temptation, but you have to consider a) whether you have the office to correct them and b) whether the correction could realistically be expected to lead to repentance and reconcilation. With regards to b), it isn’t your job to correct your SIL or MIL, except with regards to your own boundaries and with regards to b) I think we probably know the answer to that!

Do not try to teach a pig to sing; you just frustrate yourself and annoy the pig.
(And no, while it is good to make lemonade when you’re given lemons, in this case bacon is not an option. )

Seriously. Most of the time you have let people be that have these kind of boundary issues.

I’m more concerned about the comment the OP made several posts back, that this was starting to put a strain on her marriage. OP, can you explain that comment further? Does your husband tend to side with the inlaws or does he see your point of view?