MIL Problems!!!!

[Liberanosamalo]

Okay, she’s Scarlett O’Hara. Gotcha. Your Kentucky SILs should know better than to cry about it. Your own mother might be a big help, as would your FIL and his mother. You need to have a heart to heart with them. So at least someone in that other household knows that you’re not just being willful and spiteful.

I wouldn’t say she’s certifiable. She’s just someone who no one has ever said no to. Until you come along.

I gather her son married you because you are the Anti-mom. But you’re going to have to work as a team. But cordially.

I hate to say it, but sometimes with some people the only thing you can do is move about three states away.

What does your mother say about her?

 

[dixieagle]

Yikes - yes, I see this happening with the other SILs. They feed the baby at this time, and she says it should be some other time, etc… etc…

She scolded me once (in my OWN kitchen) for making a mess. Lord help me when the baby comes!!!

I grew up on the South Shore of Boston, and have lived in the deep South for 30+ years. Now, I know that a previous poster thought the clash might be because your MIL is a Southern Baptist and you are a Yankee Catholic. While there might be a little something to the “southern mother and her sons” thing…the instances you cite are simply indicative of a pushy, strong-willed, interfering “buttinsky” type of MIL who will push and push until she gets her way. Your husband MUST put his foot down firmly and you must do what you know what is right for your family. If that includes limiting contact with her, then so be it. You’ve got to take care of your own mental health.

God bless and good luck.

 

[mom2boyz]

There is alway the “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That is not dishonest. There are way to apologize that don’t involve dishonesty on your part.

 

[ecp007]

…
And you are right about the children. She openly criticizes my SILs about how the children are fed, when they’re fed, what they are wearing, when they are sleeping, etc… I really don’t want that in our future.

Sorry, I hate to break the news to you, but you will have this in your future…

…
She already annoyed that we have chosen Catholic names (of deceased family members - from both sides of the family, not just mine) for our child and didn’t consider her name in the list, which she offered to SPELL for us, just in case.

See what I mean???

…
Things must change fast and I HONESTLY will try, try, try…

The only thing that will change, or that can change, is you and your attitude towards your MIL and the things she says and does. She has been the way that she is for 60+ years. No one has been able to change her, and I doubt that you will be able to. The onlly thing you can change is yourself. I also would lay off your husband. You married him the way he is, he seems supportive of you. Appreciate him, and know that he is doing the best he can with the mother he’s got.

People with easier MILs have the liberty to be upset and have pet peeves. However, the mother of the man you love is difficult, so you don’t have that luxury (well you could, but then you will be miserable for the rest of your life or risk allienating her.)

I suggest trying to include her in decision making in a few key areas that you don’t care about but will make her feel important. She will learn to respect you, and will ease up on her critisicm. Try to understand her, maybe she really wanted daughters, … like you said, try to find common ground.

…
I want my child to have good, healthy, strong relationships with all of his/her grandparents.

This is a nice goal to have, but realistically, your MIL doesn’t sound like she has a “good,. healthy relationship” with anyone. So better to set your expectations now, its probably not going to happen.

Decide when to include her, and include her full force giving her decision making authority and asking her for advice. And then decide when you really need a break, and kind of leave her out. Then learn to laugh off her comments and intrusions, giving her the benefit of the doubt that she really is trying to be helpful.

Remember, the only one you can change is yourself.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

I grew up on the South Shore of Boston,

Me too! I lived in Quincy, my Nana lives in Weymouth, my uncle in Plymouth, my aunt in Abbington and my sister in Holbrook!

 

[shannyk]

I see a lot of silly excuses being made for inexcusable behavior here.

I don’t care if you are from the South, the North, Mars or Venus, this woman is out of line entirely.

Speaking from experience, you can’t play the game. That’s what this is to her, a big game of manipulation and attention seeking. You have to not play, and hubby will have to be the team member who says sorry mom, we’re not playing. He’s got to do it, and do it now.

You gave us a glimpse into his brother’s lives with their wives and children, and believe me it is a NIGHTMARE beyond nightmares to live like that. This kind of thing RUINS MARRIAGES. It needs to be taken seriously.

Which is more important, making sure your MIL isn’t mad, or making sure you are being the best wife and mother you can be according to your faith and values. The way things are going it can’t be both. She’s already shown total disrespect for your beliefs, and with kids that will only intensify. About a zillion people on the forums can tell you that from experience.

Honestly, I’m truly worried for you. you and hubby need to be an indivisible front to MIL. You HAVE to be on the same page.

And for the love of God GIVE BACK THAT BLANK CHECK!!! That is a ball and chain around you if ever there was one. Cut loose of the $$$ thing, no matter what you have to sacrifice.

I am praying for YOU!!!

ETA I mean to suggest moving too…seriously.

I hate to say it, but sometimes with some people the only thing you can do is move about three states away.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

I suspect that since it was stated that the MIL treats everyone this way, she’s not upset or unhappy with anyone…this is that way she is (at least now)

I think the fact that they physically moved to be closer suggests that she and FIL care very much about their family and have decided to spend their years enjoying their children and grandchildren.

I do think that it should not be you that addresses this issue. Your husband is the one who needs to speak with her. Since I think you said your FIL is a joy, can you and your spouse speak with him privately and either get some strategies for dealing with this (after all, he’s been living with her for years, he ought to know what she’s like ) Perhaps together the three of you could set some ground rules…

Having said that, I would try to schedule time to do some of her activities. I know you are busy, but taking the time to bring the children and shop at the mall can’t be that torturous every now and then…

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

I am really glad I posted here to get some advice from others. It means a lot to get information from those who have seen/heard this before.

On a side note, some have asked about my mother. She has been disabled for some time and is about 1000 miles away so we need to travel to see her. As a result, my mother has never met his mother (though my father has met both my FIL and MIL).

Things are worse with my two SILs and I think we need to nip it in the bud before the baby arrives. The two SILs always get upset when MIL comes over (due to some sort of situation) and say that she more controlling with them than with me. They don’t know how I get out of some of the situations. I think that is only because I’ve resisted a bit more or am probably more outspoken than them.

My hubby and I had a very good talk. He said that he agrees I’ve done nothing wrong and said he will need to talk to her directly. He had a conversation with her last night about her issues and that took some of the stress off of me. I’m SURE this will NOT be the last time we will need to do this. It can’t be fixed in one chat, but it’s a start.

Thanks so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut!

 

[dixieagle]

Me too! I lived in Quincy, my Nana lives in Weymouth, my uncle in Plymouth, my aunt in Abbington and my sister in Holbrook!

OK - slightly off topic but this is freaky; I grew up in Weymouth, my dad spent nearly all his working life in Quincy, he and my mom lived many years in Abington (my daughters’ happiest memories were visits with them there) and my dad (now widowed and 88) has lived in Plymouth for several years!!! (Not to mention the Boston College thing!!!)

(PM if you’d like.)

Small world, as they say!

 

[farmbabe1]

I just wanted to add:

***But, this is WAY outside the norm. Your MIL has mental problems. In case you think it’s just YOU… the things you listed are just so far out there they are NOT NORMAL. ***

OP…Might I suggest that you read the threads on this forum regarding narcissistic personality disorder. Not to diagnose, but I think a lot of her behavior is similar to those who have been diagnosed with NPD.

My MIL used to be a significant source of stress for me when my DH and I first got married. Earlier in fact (she was not coming to our wedding because HER name was not on the wedding invitation…Didn’t matter that DH and I were both in our 30’s and my parents were both deceased so their names were not on the invitation, etc.). It took me a long time to figure out that I was NEVER going to do anything right in her eyes so I might as well stop trying so hard to please her. Also, DH told me, “Somebody has to be on her sh** list at all times; we just have to take our turn.”

I have done a lot of reading about NPD and children of NPD people and it helped to explain A LOT about my husband’s behavior, especially about not rocking the boat. He will not confront her because it just makes matters worse; however, he will not let her control our lives. He pretty much just ignores what she has to say and goes about his own business. :yawn: She usually forgets what she has “suggested” he do anyway and spins in her mind that whatever he does was her idea in the first place.

I look at her now as a source of entertainment. And I try to do damage control - with charity and without criticism - with my children when her behavior leaves them with a quizzical look on their faces (Kinda like, “What’s up with her??”).

Please remember, it’s not you! (or your husband or your SILs). This is her and you happen to be in the wake of her illness. Do not take things personally or she will be more in control every day.

And at times when you’ve just had enough with her, (my sister taught me this…) sing to yourself “You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling…Whoa that lovin’ feeling”! She’ll think there’s something wrong with you, but she does anyway! This helps me whenever I have to deal with difficult people. Takes the edge off my tension and always makes me smile!

My prayer are with you!

 

[Ravyn_Guiliani]

you feel attacked because you ARE being attacked. Personal experience talking here. Does she respect Scripture? Genesis says a man will LEAVE his parents and STAY with his WIFE and THEY will be ONE FLESH. Tell your husband to grow some and tell your MIL to stay out of your marriage. If you don’t do it now it will only get worse. I put up with 10 years of #$%^ and it nearly drove us to divorce more than once. I finally said to MIL–“isn’t this EXACTLY how your (despised) MIL treated you?” and she got it. But I seriously doubt I will ever trust any of his family after the way I have been treated. (When we first moved out of state she called the police and claimed he was a minor and I had kidnapped him—the cops surrounded where we were staying with guns drawn! He was 35. For his 39th birthday she invited him without me and had an old girlfriend waiting for him.) I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop every gathering. My mother told me to marry an orphan and I didn’t listen!

 

[dixieagle]

you feel attacked because you ARE being attacked. Personal experience talking here. Does she respect Scripture? Genesis says a man will LEAVE his parents and STAY with his WIFE and THEY will be ONE FLESH. Tell your husband to grow some and tell your MIL to stay out of your marriage. If you don’t do it now it will only get worse. I put up with 10 years of #$%^ and it nearly drove us to divorce more than once. I finally said to MIL–“isn’t this EXACTLY how your (despised) MIL treated you?” and she got it. But I seriously doubt I will ever trust any of his family after the way I have been treated. (When we first moved out of state she called the police and claimed he was a minor and I had kidnapped him—the cops surrounded where we were staying with guns drawn! He was 35. For his 39th birthday she invited him without me and had an old girlfriend waiting for him.) I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop every gathering. My mother told me to marry an orphan and I didn’t listen!

Wow! Talk about NUTS!

 

[ChristinaM]

I see a lot of silly excuses being made for inexcusable behavior here.

I don’t care if you are from the South, the North, Mars or Venus, this woman is out of line entirely.

I agree completely. As a native of the South, I don’t like seeing “Southern culture” being used as an excuse for controlling behavior. There is a difference between being a quirky Southerner and being an outright jerk.

Prayers to the OP in dealing with your difficult MIL.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Seriously, folks, I’m a Southerner, and I’ve lived in the South and see it too much to call it “quirky” behavior. More like a behavior pattern. Be that as it may, I wouldn’t say this woman is an NPD. She’s far too helpful and generous for that. NPDs are not helpful and they are not generous. She may have a borderline personality disorder, which is another thing altogether.

She’s already shown total disrespect for your beliefs, and with kids that will only intensify.

Being mean to her in response will not make her respect your beliefs more. It will just give her an excuse to make generalizations about everyone.

I agree the check should be handed back with a “Thank you for your generosity. If we are ever in need of help, you’ll be the first one we ask.” (But don’t ever ask.)

Unlike an NPD she’s managed to keep relationships of long-standing duration going.

Talk to your FIL and his mother. They can help. She’s socially inept, but she’s not a sociopath. (I have a friend whose MIL used to drive to the airport to pick up visiting girlfriends of my friend’s husband. It could be worse.)

I would hesitate about the SILs and their reaction. They seem to like the drama and do nothing about it. This is a woman who has no experience with having DILs. Now she has several. It’s up to all of them to set boundaries.

 

[PaulinVA]

Yep.

The red flag was when she moved ten minutes away.

She had no boundaries. Someone needs to set them

She needs to hear the words, “No, that would be inappropriate” where applicable.

If she has a key to the house, ask for it back. If she won’t give it up, change the locks.

And the husband needs to remember that he left his mother and father to become one flesh with the poster. THAT’S who he is spending the rest of his life with.

 

[nana3]

I just wanted to add:

Under normal circumstances I would say “putting up with” her behavior would be an option.

But, this is WAY outside the norm. Your MIL has mental problems. In case you think it’s just YOU… the things you listed are just so far out there they are NOT NORMAL.

Don’t go around thinking that if you just do X, Y, or Z or if you can just say the right thing/do the right thing then your MIL will be satisfied. That will NEVER happen. She’s downright certifiable.

I agree here. My MIL is also very controling. She was much more before we got married and the beginning years of our marriage. She still trys, but dh puts her in her place. I don’t dare be rude or mean for that is not me, but dh knows how controlling she is and will. He supports me. Every year for my dd’s birthday, she wants it at her house for a pool party. That is fine with me, but I told her that I would do everything. She did everything. She ordered the cake before I approved. She brought different meats than what I brought to be BBQ’ed. I bought theme plates and napkins and she said hers were better, but the kids liked the theme ones better. It was horrible and it made me mad. I only told my husband how upset I was. I just think she will never change. Next year, the party will be anywhere but at her house. I don’t mind help, but not totally take everything I want to do out. I homeschool our dd and I hear from her constanting, “When are you putting her in school?” She mentioned it to my husband about two days ago and he had her on speaker phone. My dd came to me upset and said that her grammy was telling her daddy to put her in school. I wrote to her an email for she won’t listen on the phone. I told her that she is our dd and we know best and she will be home schooled until high school. She wrote back and said she was sorry that our dd heard her. She said she won’t mention it again, but she has said that before, too many times and still she mentions it. She is not Catholic and hates the Church, so she disagrees with it totally. She worries about socialization and I told her how our dd is getting that and still it was not enough. She is not as bad as your MIL, but she did to what she did to you SIL to my BIL’s girlfriend. She entered their appartment and changed things in their kitchen. She won’t do that here for I won’t allow it. She will tell me what to wear and what to buy or if I say I don’t like it, she will get it for me. I just end up giving it away.

I think we need to pray for our MIL’s who are controlling. I know my MIL grew up with abuse and no love from her father. She has many mental issues that she has yet to deal with. She keeps telling me she has a lot of guilt to rid herself of. I think that is why she acts the way she does. It was the way she was raised.

Let us pray for these women, whether they have a mental condition or not, they need prayer. Thank God my MIL has not interfered too much with our raising of our dd. The most she has ever said is that we feed her too much junk food and that we should put her in public school.

I will pray for you and when you should be happy and not under all this stress with the coming of your first child.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

Being mean to her in response will not make her respect your beliefs more. It will just give her an excuse to make generalizations about everyone.

Agreed. I have always remained cordial and will not be rude. Of couse, I think anything against what she wants is construed as rude

I agree the check should be handed back with a “Thank you for your generosity. If we are ever in need of help, you’ll be the first one we ask.” (But don’t ever ask.)

I lost the battle on that one. My husband said that we give and give to my family, but when his mother wants to give us this gift, I don’t want to take it. I reminded him that (unfortunately), what we give to my members - like my disabled mother - are acts of charity. We do not need chartiy. We don’t need to take the money. I got him to get the most inexpensive mattress (and the smallest size). I want to give the money back, but I think she’ll be angry and he’ll get upset.

I would hesitate about the SILs and their reaction. They seem to like the drama and do nothing about it. This is a woman who has no experience with having DILs. Now she has several. It’s up to all of them to set boundaries.

I think the problem is that they are several years younger than I am. I see myself in them a few years ago - not quite prepared to stand up for myself, though I agree they need to set their own boundaries.

Though I’m the newest DIL to my MIL, we have been married 4years and one of the others has been married about 8, so she isn’t new to being a MIL in my book, but maybe it is for her. I don’t know.

My hubby and I are the only ones who would go visit with his parents out of state b/c the other SILs couldn’t stand to be with her for that long (including their parents, neighbors, other family members, etc). I bit my tongue and went many times because I respect that my hubby wanted to visit his parents.

It was a little easier before they moved here, but now they are here full-time. I think that it’s now just sooooo overwhelming! Little doses were one thing - this is another.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Hi everyone. I’m hoping someone wiser can help me out. My mother-in-law is a bit of a control freak. I am an independent woman. Therein lies the first problem. I found out last night from my husband that my MIL has flown off the handle about me and it’s very upsetting!

Here are some example of what has happened:
When my husband bought my wedding diamond she was furious because he didn’t discuss it with her.
Mine wanted to come shopping too, she was convinced her DS could not do it on hi own, without her help

When I found my dress, she was angry that she wasn’t involved. (I am not much of a shopper. Stopped in a shop, maybe spent 1/2 hour and picked out a dress.) She didn’t ask to come…but gave me a guilt trip following…all because I suggested that the flower girl purchase any dress she wanted. Flower girl dresses at the shop I purchased my gown were ultra expensive. So I thought I’d be nice. My niceness was perceived as a conspiracy theory…so no one would see my gown :whacky:

She gave us a China cabinet a few years ago. When we moved into our new house last year, she had my son and her husband move it to a different room b/c she didn’t like where I had it (of couse, she didn’t include me in this). Mine has rearranged counters, kitchen tables, bedroom chairs etc.

She is big on Christmas gifts (my family just does all of the kids). I have begged people not to get me clothes (I am really hard to fit). My sisters-in-law are 10 yrs younger and love hip clothes. My MIL bought us all of the same/similar outfits. I can’t wear revealing/tight clothes - I’m a TEACHER and actually have a behind where my sisters-in-law are a size 0 and a size 2. I just hear that she if furious that I say not to get clothes and clothes are what SHE likes to shop for. I actually rather nothing than for her to waste her money. Mine has purchased “little lord Fauntleroy” outfits for my son. Also on occasion girl clothes…a blue sweater with a dog on it, cut for a girl, girl on the label…but it was for a boy

She is trying to push some Arbonne (or whatever) products on me b/c I don’t do a lot of girly things like that. I had just put chapstick on and she insisted that I pile on some of her Arbonne chapstick. I kindly declined and she insisted. It tasted weird, so I wiped it off and let her know it wasn’t for me. She got furious and said it was because I didn’t like her.

My husband’s aunt (his father’s sister, not my MIL’s sister)confided in me about some health issues but did not tell the rest of the family until she was out of surgery. When my hubby let this slip out this (I would have gone to my grave in confidence), my MIL was furious that she told me.

She is worse to my sisters-in-law. I put my foot down a lot and stand my ground, where she is able to control things in their lives a bit more. For instance, while my SIL was at work, she bought and installed blinds into my SIL’s new home without ever asking her what she liked. My SIL was so upset b/c she would never have picked them out, but never said anything.

I don’t want to upset my MIL, but on the other hand, I cannot figure out how to please her unless I just go with what she wants. She likes to throw $$$$ at people and wants them to kiss her behind for it (she gave my hubby a blank check to buy a household item yesterday), but I rather get nothing and keep the waters calm!!! Mine does the same with money…but she also starts to cry when she doesn’t have her way…or if you stand up to her. When DS was about 3 months old, she thought it appropriate to teach him to walk. She had him by his arms, and was encouraging him to take steps. I told her not to…and the water works started.

We offered for her and my FIL to stay with us for a week. My FIL stayed a few months before and it was wonderful!!! I had to find out from my SIL that my MIL was ready to leave because she did not like having to sleep in a Queen-sized bed (she has her own King and my FIL sleeps in another room usually b/c of his snoring).

Please help! I think it will only get worse once our first child is born. My husband did his best to smooth things over (he’s not as much of a push-over as his brothers), but if she’s complaining about things from last year, then I’m in big trouble! When my DS wan an infant, she would show up at 8.30 in the evening to visit. DS would be in the middle of cranky time. She would insist on holding him, he would cry even more. Her response would be, “he doesn’t recognize me…he doesn’t see me often enough.” Twice a week, I guess, was not often enough.

I definitely can empathize with your situation…I don’t have much advice…after 10 years I’m still trying to figure it out.:hug3:

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

I definitely can empathize with your situation…I don’t have much advice…after 10 years I’m still trying to figure it out.:hug3:

Darn! Okay, so I’m not crazy

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

Thanks for the tips. Yes - we will have to focus on our baby and marriage b/c we don’t want her involvement to cause problems.

How often does your husband listen to you complain about his mother?

I wanted to say that to the question above, actually not very often.

As mentioned before, I am the only DIL who has gone out of her way (when I didn’t want to) to travel to another state to visit, etc… I don’t deserve a metal or anything, but this does not consume our normal conversations and I am very gracious and considerate to her considering the stress I feel.

It’s just come up recently because he informed me that she had a laundry list of things about me and also because she’s moved here.