Military family life? Advice please!

[Debora123]

So before I ask the question, here’s a little background:

I am 26 years old and been married for about 1 1/2 years to the greatest man on the planet. We married a week after he graduated college with a major in aviation sciences (to be a pilot). We’ve been living very meagerly while I work at a restaurant and he as a flight instructor and traffic watch pilot.

Don’t let the title of my husband’s job fool you. In the aviation world, you start out at the very bottom and it takes years and years for you to get hired in by an airline and move up to making decent money. My husband’s little flying gigs offer absolutely 0 security, no healthcare insurance, and minimal pay. The way the economy is right now, and the way the airline industries are doing, is… well, not promising at all.

I am simply not a career woman and my “goal” in life I guess is to be a full time stay at home mom. (Though of course, we cannot possibly afford a child right now with how things are going.)
Recently my husband has been looking into joining the Air Force and being a military pilot by going back to school and getting a second major through an ROTC program. Which financially, would solve all our problems.

My concern is this: Once he makes a commitment to the military, he is on the Government’s leash… and at that point, family can’t come first anymore. He’d be serving a 10 year commitment in which time we would have to be moving around the world every 2 years to whatever station the Air Force sends us to. Which could be anywhere from Alaska, to Germany, to Japan!

Not to mention long deployments which would leave me, and possibly children if we have any by then, alone for months… away from family, and possibly away from the US altogether!

I feel like I am stuck. If we keep living life day by day like we have been, we may never get anywhere and we may never have the life we want to have - with security, children, a house… The airline industries are laying people off left and right and things are getting very bad in aviation.

On the other hand, joining the Air Force as a pilot would guarantee us money, stability, security, and medical insurance. But what will that mean to our marriage?? What will that mean to any possible future kids we will have?

Words of wisdom or maybe some personal experiences would be much appreciated.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My ex-fiance was military. I lived on base and got involved in military spouse activities. Unofficially of course, since we weren’t actually married.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Being a military spouse is hard. It takes strength and dedication. If you would only be doing it for the financial security, don’t. You’ll end up bitter and resentful. But, if you look in to it and decide that it’s a life for you it can be very interesting and rewarding. You’ll have to change your perspective on moving around. You have to see it as the next great adventure to be had instead of a scary burden.

Rest assured though, the military is VERY family oriented. There are tons of on base support for spouses and children and it would be made clear to him every day that he is to be there for his family. Even when men go overseas they do their best to make sure that he communicates with his loved ones regularly.

And depending on what career he chooses he may not move around much, if at all.

 

[bmullins]

It will be difficult. It will not be an easy life, nor would it be a fun one. But being devoted to your spouse often requires you to do things that aren’t pleasant. You can both still be completely devoted to each other, no matter where you live and how much time you get to spend together. Military life is not easy. But if it’s something you both are willing to work through, pray about it. Ask God what HE wants from you both. Then go with that.

If you do it, spend every moment you can together loving each other, supporting each other. If you don’t do it, spend every moment you can together, loving each other… supporting each other.

 

[armywife]

I would look at the positives of being able to love all over the world. We love it!

Please don’t take this the wrong way or any other AF types out there but compared to the Army, the AF is a very 9-5 job. I know the idea of deployments seems very hard, especially coming from the civillian world but in the AF they are only 6 months max as compared to 12 or more in the Army. The military is so family friendly and there are many options for families to do if you live on or near to post. Finally, moving every two years does happen but that is very unlikely. I have personally known many people who have been at one duty station for six years and some more.

I can give you tons in general military info and maybe a little info specific to the AF. Just PM me if you have any questions.

 

[rfournier103]

Would he be stationed at a base that would allow for you to be with him? I am not, nor have I ever been Military, but I know that sometimes this is allowed for. As an Air Force pilot, he’ll be an officer, and the officers are always treated better than the enlisted men. Also, Germany and Japan are two of the nicer spots you could be. I wouldn’t want to go to Korea. If he is seriously considering this, he needs to ask LOTS of questions, and make sure he gets a contract you both can live with. Remember that if it’s not in writing, he won’t get it. The only leverage he’ll ever have with the Air Force is PRIOR to his induction.

Good luck!

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

I have no direct experience with military life, but my father does. He was moved around at least ten times as a child, and it did affect him academically and socially. Each new school he went to was at a different place in the curriculum, and just as he had caught up it seemed they would move again. The same with friends- he could never develop friendships for very long before he was on the move again. I think though, that some parents are more equipped to help their children with these things than others, and that it depends on whether you yourselves, as parents, would do well with the constant moving.

That’s what I think you need to consider the most right now. Can you see yourself doing it? Are you comfortable with the idea of settling into a new place frequently? What about the possibility of your husband being gone for the births of your children, or having to handle a newborn for the first time on your own, possibly in a foreign country? Even the logistics of moving so much- changing your address, changing kids’ schools, moving your belongings- I imagine would be exhausting. Some people do very well with this type of lifestyle, and thrive. Others (myself included) would not be able to handle it.

My husband and I are in a similar position (not considering the military though!). We’re recently married, and would like to have a home and children, and security. We’ve both taken turns with unemployment over the past couple of years, and it is hard. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, too, at least for awhile, and it looks like I won’t be able to. We’re a few years older than you are, and it seems like life is moving so fast and we’re getting nowhere. What we have realized is that a lot of the plans you have when you get married need to be revised. Over and over. I’d like to be a stay at home mom, but I’ve become accustomed to the idea that it may not be possible. What I do know is that my husband and I will make things work, together, no matter what situation we find ourselves in.

Have you brainstormed other options? Are there other fields either one of you could get into that would be lucrative enough and not as life-changing, or would allow you maybe to work only part time when you have children? Are there other positions/careers in aviation that your husband would consider, other than the track to being a pilot? Are there different positions you could take now that might allow you to save more money in the short term?

I hope you’re able to figure this out and that everything works out for you both.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I would look at the positives of being able to love all over the world. We love it!

Please don’t take this the wrong way or any other AF types out there but compared to the Army, the AF is a very 9-5 job. I know the idea of deployments seems very hard, especially coming from the civillian world but in the AF they are only 6 months max as compared to 12 or more in the Army. The military is so family friendly and there are many options for families to do if you live on or near to post. Finally, moving every two years does happen but that is very unlikely. I have personally known many people who have been at one duty station for six years and some more.

I can give you tons in general military info and maybe a little info specific to the AF. Just PM me if you have any questions.

The AF doesn’t have 6 mo max deployments. I understand that there is some rivalry between the branches and that the AF is th 'chair force’s yadda yadda. But I have a dear friend who just came back from 18 months in the UAE. Another is headed to Korea for 2 years. While it isn’t a deployment exactly, he is not allowed to take his family. These people do not have traditionally dangerous jobs, they are computer programmers.

 

[sedonaman]

… On the other hand, joining the Air Force as a pilot would guarantee us money, stability, security, and medical insurance. …

I spent four years in the AF as a commissioned officer [not air crew]. While some benefits, like pay, are fairly constant wherever you are, you must be aware that others, such as medical, are highly variable depending on where he is stationed. Some bases have great medical facilities; others do not. Norton AFB, now closed, was one of the worst. You needed to phone for an appointment to get to see a doctor. While this doesn’t sound unreasonable, you had to wait until 7:30am to call in. If you called earlier, you got no answer; if you called in at 7:30am plus 1 picosecond, you got a busy signal, and it continued all through the morning. My sister’s husband was stationed there, and she told me there were many congressional complaints about their facility. I am not saying this is typical, only that it has existed. Being an officer and air-crewman, your husband will be treated differently. There are special sick bays for officers.

A couple of other considerations: can your husband go 10 years without making a mistake? One mistake and he can lose his job. He might not actually get the boot, but they do have bases in places where it is not too desirable. One thing he should count on is that any job in the military is a thankless job, even for heroes. Revolutionary War hero John Paul Jones was owed a lot of back pay at the end of the war. Congress finally paid his heirs in 1848 – 50 years after he died. The most decorated soldier in WW-II was Audie Murphy who was destitute after the war and found living in the YMCA. When the hero in The Bridges of Toko Ri was killed in the end, his admiral asked, “Where do we get such men?” But never mind, he had the profound satisfaction of knowing he served the country, ungrateful as it is, particularly since the Vietnam War.

Rudyard Kipling captured this in a poem about “Johnnie” the British GI:

For it’s Johnny this, an’ Johnny that, an’ “Chuck him out, the brute!”
But it’s “Savior of 'is country” when the guns begin to shoot …

 

[Winter_Warlock]

Debora,

I was in AF also for just over 4 years (extended my tour to get over seas - Spain ). Has your husband looked into the Resurves? If he is not interested in the resurves, then to help put you mind at ease, if there is a AF base near by check to see if they offer tours of the base. May be get the local AF paper and see if there are spouse support groups and just talk with other spouses and see the pros and cons from their perspective.

Hope this helps, may God bless and keep you and your husband.

Winter

 

[kmuestwin]

It was a great experience for my family. My father has been a navy aviator for 20+ years.

He was recalled to active duty after 9/11 and we moved and lived on base. We ended up having close friendships with all of our neighbors. It was nice because all the kids would get together and play.

My parents were one of the older couples on the base. They had lived the military life before so my mom was pretty well adapted to that lifestyle. She ended up really bonding with the neighbors and she was able to teach them and help them when their husbands were gone because she had lived what they had lived. One of the women told my mother that she was listed in her will to raise her daughter if anything ever happened to the parents.

There is a special relationship you will have with the neighbors on base. Everyone there is experiencing the same thing at the same time so it really helps to break down barriers and allow people to become fast friends. You will discover that after your husband’s 10 years you will have friends all over the world.

I think that you and your husband should take the opportunity that the military can allow. You are correct in saying that it is hard to really get started as a pilot in the beginning. You will have to wait through years of small jobs until you get that one big opportunity. The military will help make the transition from small plane pilot into airline pilot much easier.

My time as a military brat is very precious to me. It gave me a broader world view and helped me grow up. You’ll find that the moves your family will make are not that hard on children. I still keep in touch with some of the kids that we met on base.

I say do it! I am a little biased considering I hope to eventually become a Catholic priest and a military chaplain.

 

[wondrousgnat]

I was in the army and my wife is an army brat. It was a great experience. I learned more in basic training than I did in 5 years of college. I am proud to have served and if I was young I would consider making it a career.

But your problems will not be solved. Businesses are usually run by people who never served with children who never served. So they hesitate to hire veterans. Veteran unemployment rate has always been higher than average. Thus considering it a career may be a good idea.
When Reagan ran for president he talked about a tough military but he cut benefits for active duty servicemen, riffed many who were near retirement, and cut benefits for retirees and the disabled. Congressional budget cutting might come again to servicepeople.

My advice with the little info I have is to go for the military but be prepared for cutbacks.

 

[PatriceA]

Recently my husband has been looking into joining the Air Force and being a military pilot by going back to school and getting a second major through an ROTC program. Which financially, would solve all our problems.

.

I’m a little confused about this part of the OP. How are you planning on supporting yourselves while he’s in the ROTC program and getting his second college degree? Unless the ROTC program has changed since my husband was in it, you get a small stipend but not enough to actually live on. He won’t get the salary of an officer until he’s commissioned and that won’t be until he completes his degree. Maybe I’m not up to date on any changes that has happened in the ROTC program.

My husband was Army. He was National Guard, then enlisted and then went to college on an ROTC scholarship (that’s when we met), activie duty, and then reserves.

I loved being active duty, I met two of my best friends during that time of our marriage. Its not easy, but I disagree with the previous poster that said its not fun. It was fun sometimes, difficult at others. I don’t know what job or lifestyle isn’t both to be honest. Active duty does provide you with more opportunities to connect to other military wives if you live on base. Someone mentioned the reserves and that was actually the loneliest time for me. Both of my husband’s deployments happened when he was in the reserves and we didn’t live near the reserve base which also meant I didn’t have other military wives for support when he was deployed.

Somebody else mentioned Korea, my one best friend who’s husband has made the military his career was stationed in Korea for two years and took his family. She loved it! She’d like to go back if they get the chance.

I think though, you have to believe in the mission of the military for it to work. If you have any misgivings about the military in general, its going to paint your whole experience as always being negative. My husband loved being an officer, loved being in the military. He is now working for the Dept. of Defense as an independent contractor.

 

[aloe]

I heard a saying somewhere that said “sometimes money costs too much”. I do personally know of people who thought joining was their way to money, it didn’t turn out that way for them - despite the recruiter telling them what they wanted to hear.
Yours is a big decision that involves your entire life, your DH’s life, both your families, and also your future children and maybe even your future grandkids. Has he even applied to get into any other airline industry jobs? Things are not stable in the industry but at least he can try and then you would have benefits and he could do flight training on the side. He would be away and busy a lot, but it wouldn’t be for months at a time without seeing him at all. I cannot advise you on that but hope your prayers direction and discernment are answered.

 

[armywife]

The AF doesn’t have 6 mo max deployments. I understand that there is some rivalry between the branches and that the AF is th 'chair force’s yadda yadda. But I have a dear friend who just came back from 18 months in the UAE. Another is headed to Korea for 2 years. While it isn’t a deployment exactly, he is not allowed to take his family. These people do not have traditionally dangerous jobs, they are computer programmers.

I was speaking to deployments, as she mentioned. Yes there are unaccompanied assignments which are different. Those can definitely happen but I wasn’t trying to continue or create any rivalry.

I will say we’ve been in the Army for 16 years and have never heard of a 2 year unaccompanied assignment. I’m certainly not saying they haven’t happened or can’t but the standard is a one-year unaccompanied.

 

[ahollars]

Go for it.

I did 7 years in the Army, and my wife did 4 years. While I doubt that I would be willing to put up with renlisting after 8 years, I have doubt that I did the best thing and would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Having said that, I spent 2 and a half of those 7 years overseas, without my family. Even in the context of being away from home while a service member is deployed, there are always several other families who are in the same boat as you, and all of you will stick together until the unit returns.

Luckily for you, Catholics are better represented than in the general population. There is a Catholic Chaplain for every post, and plenty of families to be involved with. Once you get the hang of it, adapting to a new location or new schedule is easy. Separation is always hard, but someone has to do it. I once told my wife that wars are not fought only by single men, but I knew that since I had to say that, it was time to get out, and I did when my time was up that term.

I would not be where I am today without my service record. I don’t know anyone who served and wishes that they never did.

 

[Tampa_Dave]

I was an Army JAG for 4 1/2 years. Family support is amazing throughout the world! That said, I left the Army for a civilian position because I wanted my daughters to grow up in the same neighborhood, same Church, same schools, same sports teams, etc., as their friends. It was the right decision for our family.

 

[TrixieMcGee]

Well, if he wants to be a military pilot, the Air Force is probably not the way to go. I know that sounds weird, but most people who want in the Air Force want to be pilots and most of them do not get to be. He should probably go for Army, Navy, or Marines to have a better shot at becoming a pilot ( I would also say Coast Guard, but they have so few planes that they really have all the pilots they need, my hubby is in the Coast Guard). They have less people going in the other branches to become pilots then are going into the Air Force (although I have to say I like the culture in the Air Force community better than in all the other branches, except maybe the Coast Guard).

It is a hard route to be a military wife. Luckily I don’t have it so bad being a Coastie wife, where he isn’t gone for that long when he is gone and they have more guys wanting to go overseas then they need in the Coast Guard (so we get to stay in the states). I would say that the hardest part for me is living so far away from family and friends especially when he is gone and I am alone. If you are a housewife, though, you can always stay with family while he is deployed.

The security is awesome, not to mention all the benefits. All of your medical is paid, you get a food allowance, housing allowance (that is if you aren’t living on base), and even separation pay (that is if it is for extended periods of time). Not everyone can handle the lifestyle, there are very high divorce rates and adultery rates among military folk (not saying you will have problems with either of those issues). It is hard to be surrounded by adultery and divorce, though. Keep in mind though, he may have to decide quickly due to age, I know the Coast Guard only allows you to get in up until I think age 27, I am not sure about the other branches.

The only thing I can tell you is that it is hard, but for us with the kind of job my hubby has, it is worth it. Our relationship is very strong and we get to live in other parts of the country and experience different cultures. I can’t imagine how hard it is for women in other branches, it is hard when my hubby is gone 2 or 3 months, let alone how long some of those deployments are. Just pray pray pray and do your research.

 

[Armyvet007]

You’re best source of information would be one of the Air Force wives internet forums [and the senior NCO wives on those forums (they’re the ones that would know)].

 

[airforcefamily]

Hi! I’ve read posts here for the past few years but I just joined so I could reply to your thread.

I’m an air force wife. My husband couldn’t be a pilot because of his eyesight even though he was a civilian flight instructor and charter airline pilot in college. In his air force job he wears a flight suit and flies on a plane like a pilot but does other jobs.

Being a military wife with five young children is not easy. He’s on a deployment right now. Every day is a challenge but still brings rewards. I feel I am more thankful for being his wife than I would be as a wife of a civilian. His deployments and training give us the gift of longing and we always make the time he’s home count.

Being a military wife can be wonderful as well. We live on base and we have instant friendships with our neighbors. There are always social functions to attends and things for the kids to participate in. We don’t have to worry about finding a decent place to live (although some bases have wait lists) or about healthcare (some bases have better medical groups than others but they’re all at least ok, if you need a specialist they usually send you off base).

The air force, compared to other branches of the military, is more family friendly. The deployments can be long (a year or more) but are usually 2-6 months. There are remote tours that are sometimes unaccompanied. My husband spent a year in Korea without us but was able to come home for mid tour leave in the middle.

Many people say there are different expectations that come with being an officer’s wife. The way I see it you’re expected to behave in a way that reflects well on your husband no matter what his rank is. I know officer’s wives who behave in a way that fosters gossip and enlisted wives who don’t. Just remember that people talk so if you go the commissary (the on base grocery store) make sure your hair is brushed and looking nice even if you were up all night with a sick toddler…just ask me how I know!

I hope you decide what is best for you, don’t be worried about being a military wife

 

[Joepski]

Hi,

I just joined also to comment on this thread. I’m a military pilot currently attending a week of flying training away from home. I’ve been flying for the military (Air Force and Air National Guard) since 1989 and still do so. I also did three years at a major airline–got furloughed in 2002 and deployed to the Middle East later that same year. I mentioned this thread to my wife–a fellow Air Force Academy grad and mother of 5–and her comment was simply to make sure whatever decision you make, it is a family decision and you’re both fully invested in the decision. Our life works for us because we both have taken ownership of my career decisions–decisions which have allowed her to stay home with the children (and home school). Of course, we’ve faced hardships and prayed together many an night asking for strength and help discerning which way to go. We just finished our nightly prayers together over the phone. She at home with the kids in bed and me in the hotel looking forward to getting home tomorrow night.

I’d be happy to talk to your husband regarding options in the AF and pilot careers. Feel free to contact me back channel. Best of luck and God Bless.

Joe