Military family life? Advice please!

[CatholicFireman]

Hello Debora,

Your husband may want to look into the Florida Air National Guard (ANG) full time. The ANG has something called AGR (Active Guard Reserve, if I remember right) which basically is being active duty, but you belong to the state which is a lot easier than being transfered all over the world.

My wife retired from the NY ANG at a base that had transport aircraft. The pilots there either were AGR’s or came in to “do their time” They could also sign up for active stints (or “going active”) for the regular Air Force, which were very much needed during the war. VERY good pay and you get active duty military benefits. He would fly all over the world but not for years. They always eventually (weeks at the most) end up at home base…in your case Florida.

*I just woke up a while ago and haven’t read the posts so I appologize if this is a repeat. *

Just a thought. Good luck.

P.S. It’s a great way to get flying hours (LOTS of them) and maybe get to know airline pilots for possible airline jobs.

 

[heart4home]

I have no personal experience, but many prayers to offer as you discern this.

I’d just caution that joining the AF as a solution to a finanical problem, if it was never your ideal or true desire, may be harder for both of you, than it is for somebody who has a committed goal from early on to do so.

Is there any other area of interest he has in the secular world? Maybe he could go back to school and get a different degree in a career that is more lucrative right now and do his flight instructing etc. as a second job.

I appreciate and thank God for those who fight for our freedom, but I think you really need to do some serious research in person(Both of you) to see if this is really what he wants or desires to do with his life.

It seems like a fairly big departure from what you had as goals for your family when you first married.

Best wishes and prayers for you both.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Don’t have much to offer you in the way of advice, but just wanted to say that I will be praying for you and your husband! I do know that going in as an officer is easier than going in as enlisted, and that pilots, if he can get that job, are kind of the top of the heap. But of course along with the status and benefits comes some degree of risk, since the planes aren’t passenger planes. (I know, even then there are risks.)

 

[CatholicFireman]

I have no personal experience, but many prayers to offer as you discern this.

I’d just caution that joining the AF as a solution to a finanical problem, if it was never your ideal or true desire, may be harder for both of you, than it is for somebody who has a committed goal from early on to do so.

Is there any other area of interest he has in the secular world? Maybe he could go back to school and get a different degree in a career that is more lucrative right now and do his flight instructing etc. as a second job.

I appreciate and thank God for those who fight for our freedom, but I think you really need to do some serious research in person(Both of you) to see if this is really what he wants or desires to do with his life.

It seems like a fairly big departure from what you had as goals for your family when you first married.

Best wishes and prayers for you both.

I have to agree. It’s like a whole other world. You definitely need to understand that. With all the good things (benefits, community, etc.) there are downsides also. Maybe go to a military family forum and talk to the spouses. There are forums for everything so I’m sure you’ll find one.

 

[sedonaman]

I was an Army JAG for 4 1/2 years. Family support is amazing throughout the world! …

I highly suspect that you got treated well because you were a JAG.

 

[jazzy0710]

I can totally relate.

I too am 26 yrs old. I have been married for almost 2 yrs now to a great man as well.

Right how he works as a labourer for a concrete shoring company. He does have health insurance, but it’s limited. The money is alright, but we’re just making it by. I myself work part time as a cleaner.

My husband is in the Naval Reserves(part time) but wants to join Reg Force(Full time) as a cook.

He has been in the Reserves since September 2009. In April 2010(approx 2.5 months before our wedding) he went away for basic trainning. I had to do 90% of the wedding stuff alone. It was one of the most stressful times in my life. I lucked out though with the friends I have at work. They were very supportive, helping out where they could and checking in on me constantly. Another thing that really sucked was that one of our cats got really sick after he left and I had to deal with that on my own. Luckly we had enough in savings for me to take him to the vet. He made out fine.

In January 2011 he went away again, this time for just a little over a month. It wasn’t too bad, but this time our darn kitchen sink pretty much blew up LOL. Getting it fixed sure was a chore!

Then in September 2011 he took a temporary position at a base about a 6 hour drive from here. I wasn’t too worried because he had been away before so I knew what to expect. It was diffcult at times, like my great aunt died from cancer just a week before his position was done. I surronded myself with lots of family and friends though and I got through it.

Put your Faith and Trust in the Lord. He will never give you more than you can handle. Communicate with your Husband. Always make sure to keep each other in the loop. He especially needs to keep you in the loop as to what’s happening next. be patient and understanding. The military has a weird way of going about things. They are definitely good at taking their sweet old time so remember not to get angry with your husband because he can’t change the speed they’re going.

As for kids. we don’t have any yet. However I talked to a lady who I work with that has been going through this for over 20 years. She told me that right from the get-go that she explained to her kids that this is Daddy’s job. It’s a very important job, and it’s how we buy our groceries, our clothes, and pay our bills. Daddy loves us very much.

militaryfamilybooks.com/productcart/pc/viewCategories.asp?idCategory=3 I would reccomend checking out some books from here when the time comes.

Hope this helped, and God Bless you both!

 

[AthenaC]

I was in the Air Force for three years and was also an Army wife for another few years. I read everyone’s perspectives and I think everyone is spot on - bottom line, everyone’s experience is different, and yours will largely be what you make of it. If you are the type of person that loves to explore new places, find what’s beautiful about every location you’re in, immerse yourself in the local culture (either overseas or state-side), meet people … you will love it.

One word of caution … over the 6 or 7 years I was in the military community, I knew a LOT of married people. However, I can count on one hand the number of healthy marriages I saw - 3 Mormon couples and 1 non-denominational Christian couple. I don’t know if the military is just a toxic environment for marriages or what, but while my Army husband and I were going through a divorce, suddenly EVERYONE came to me with their stories … turns out literally any one of them had grounds for divorce in my opinion - adultery, abuse, you name it. Why did these women stay? Well, they and their children were financially dependent on their husband, and the husbands knew it. Because of my previous military service, I was able to get my GI bill started, go to college (thankfully he was stationed in Fairbanks at Ft. Wainwright, with the University of Alaska Fairbanks nearby), and take care of my family.

So - be particularly vigilant on the marriage / family front and you should be okay.

 

[Debora123]

Fist of all I would like to thank everyone here who responded. Thank you all so much for your advice, prayers, and/or for sharing any knowledge or personal experiences.

I see that there are 2 people here who created an account on CAF just so they could help me out by responding to my post… And I am specially grateful for that. Thank you so much. :flowers:

Joining the Air Force is something my husband and I have had in the back of our minds for a long time now… but it is only recently that we’ve began to give it some serious consideration and we’ve already taken many necessary steps to get there. We’ve pretty much made up our minds that this is the path we are going to shoot for.

My husband has talked to an ROTC commander at a possible university and he said my husband can go ahead and enroll for this fall if he wanted to. I didn’t mention this in my OP, but my husband has already taken the AFOQT and the TBAS (very difficult tests that are supposed to determine how well you’d do in military pilot training), and has scored phenomenally. He has had several people tell him that his are the best scores they’ve seen in a long time. His scores along with his GPA and his flight experience make him extremely competitive.

So competitive, in fact, that he actually just received the good news yesterday that he can go ahead and apply for OTS right away, and he could get hired in and go to pilot training without even having to go through ROTC! Apparently the AF has been retiring a ton of older guys and are going to be doing some serious hiring for pilots in the next board. He is very excited and has said he wants to try to shoot for a fighter slot.

… So that is where we are at right now. All his paper work and applications are due next month, and then he’ll hopefully get an interview and hopefully get into OTS. If that doesn’t work out, ROTC will be our next step.

As many have said here, I know this would not be an easy life for me.
It is a sacrifice I would make for the sake of a better life for us and for my husband’s happiness… and hopefully I can learn to see the positives and make the best of a difficult situation. I was never very good at that…

Please continue to send prayers or any more advice that would help me prepare for it.

 

[Debora123]

Debora,

I was in AF also for just over 4 years (extended my tour to get over seas - Spain ). Has your husband looked into the Resurves? If he is not interested in the resurves, then to help put you mind at ease, if there is a AF base near by check to see if they offer tours of the base. May be get the local AF paper and see if there are spouse support groups and just talk with other spouses and see the pros and cons from their perspective.

Hope this helps, may God bless and keep you and your husband.

Winter

We have looked into the reserves and the guard… but unfortunately the vast majority of those tend to be part time only, meaning he’d still have to have a second job and wouldn’t get as many benefits as he would being full time in the air force.

Thank you for the advice concerning support groups - it is definitely something I’ll want to look into.

 

[Debora123]

I’m a little confused about this part of the OP. How are you planning on supporting yourselves while he’s in the ROTC program and getting his second college degree? Unless the ROTC program has changed since my husband was in it, you get a small stipend but not enough to actually live on. He won’t get the salary of an officer until he’s commissioned and that won’t be until he completes his degree. Maybe I’m not up to date on any changes that has happened in the ROTC program.

Well being a full time student means getting at least 12 hours a week. Since this would be his second major, he wouldn’t need to take a lot of the basic classes he needed to take the first time around (such as English, some type of math, computer, etc etc…), so his school schedule wouldn’t be too crazy. He’d still work on the side, though he’d definitely have to work less. I’d probably end up taking on a second job to make ends meet. Also, he could apply for ROTC scholarships that would pay his full tuition, or take out another school loan.

This is all assuming he can’t go straight into OTS.

My husband was Army. He was National Guard, then enlisted and then went to college on an ROTC scholarship (that’s when we met), activie duty, and then reserves.

I loved being active duty, I met two of my best friends during that time of our marriage. Its not easy, but I disagree with the previous poster that said its not fun. It was fun sometimes, difficult at others. I don’t know what job or lifestyle isn’t both to be honest. Active duty does provide you with more opportunities to connect to other military wives if you live on base. Someone mentioned the reserves and that was actually the loneliest time for me. Both of my husband’s deployments happened when he was in the reserves and we didn’t live near the reserve base which also meant I didn’t have other military wives for support when he was deployed.

Somebody else mentioned Korea, my one best friend who’s husband has made the military his career was stationed in Korea for two years and took his family. She loved it! She’d like to go back if they get the chance.

I think though, you have to believe in the mission of the military for it to work. If you have any misgivings about the military in general, its going to paint your whole experience as always being negative. My husband loved being an officer, loved being in the military. He is now working for the Dept. of Defense as an independent contractor.

Thanks for the advice Patrice.

 

[Debora123]

You’re best source of information would be one of the Air Force wives internet forums [and the senior NCO wives on those forums (they’re the ones that would know)].

Thanks, I’ll try that.

 

[Debora123]

Hi! I’ve read posts here for the past few years but I just joined so I could reply to your thread.

I’m an air force wife. My husband couldn’t be a pilot because of his eyesight even though he was a civilian flight instructor and charter airline pilot in college. In his air force job he wears a flight suit and flies on a plane like a pilot but does other jobs.

Being a military wife with five young children is not easy. He’s on a deployment right now. Every day is a challenge but still brings rewards. I feel I am more thankful for being his wife than I would be as a wife of a civilian. His deployments and training give us the gift of longing and we always make the time he’s home count.

Being a military wife can be wonderful as well. We live on base and we have instant friendships with our neighbors. There are always social functions to attends and things for the kids to participate in. We don’t have to worry about finding a decent place to live (although some bases have wait lists) or about healthcare (some bases have better medical groups than others but they’re all at least ok, if you need a specialist they usually send you off base).

The air force, compared to other branches of the military, is more family friendly. The deployments can be long (a year or more) but are usually 2-6 months. There are remote tours that are sometimes unaccompanied. My husband spent a year in Korea without us but was able to come home for mid tour leave in the middle.

Many people say there are different expectations that come with being an officer’s wife. The way I see it you’re expected to behave in a way that reflects well on your husband no matter what his rank is. I know officer’s wives who behave in a way that fosters gossip and enlisted wives who don’t. Just remember that people talk so if you go the commissary (the on base grocery store) make sure your hair is brushed and looking nice even if you were up all night with a sick toddler…just ask me how I know!

I hope you decide what is best for you, don’t be worried about being a military wife

Thank you so much for joining just to respond to me!

I’ve actually heard pilots don’t deploy for more than 4 months at a time (or maybe it was 6 months?) because the planes can’t be away for that long. Even still, 4 months sounds like a VERY long time without your husband… especially if you’re all alone in Japan or something! Have you ever had to move to be stationed out of the country?? That’s one of my greatest fears right now.

 

[Nanny_PK]

I thought I’d chime in. My sister is an AF wife. They have lived in England (before kids) and Germany (after kids). Right after moving to Germany, my brother-in-law deployed to Iraq. It was a six-month (if I remember correctly) deployment; but once you tacked on some extra training involved, I think it was more like eight months. Also added was the stress that he was only given about two-weeks’ notice – they knew it was coming but something go mixed up in the notification – they thought he’d been notified of his deployment date, but he hadn’t been.

All that being said, I remember reading on Facebook while he was deployed the love and care that my sister got from fellow AF wives and their husbands. One time I remember reading her post “I’m trying to figure out how to be in two places at once to pick up two kids.” Her friends chimed in and said, “I’ve got L.” The other one said, “I can pick up E when I go to get my daughter.” One of the kids was sick and my sister was stuck at home (they lived off post). One of her friends posted “I just dropped groceries on your front porch.”

Before their move to Germany they were stationed at Ft. Leavenworth, KS; and I got to witness first hand how other soldiers look after their friends’ kids while they’re deployed – everything from changing tires, carrying in groceries, and attending daddy/daughter events at school so the little girls didn’t have to miss out.

My niece and nephew (and sister) have also gotten to see so many parts of the world and the US that they would not have otherwise gotten to. They went driving one afternoon to France and heard the church bells ringing (they’d been looking for a particular restaurant) and decided to go to mass in France.

I know there are hardships and it really has to be a decision that you both make together, but there are so many adventures and experiences that you will receive that it definitely is something to consider.

 

[Debora123]

I thought I’d chime in. My sister is an AF wife. **They have lived in England (before kids) and Germany (after kids). Right after moving to Germany, my brother-in-law deployed to Iraq. It was a six-month (if I remember correctly) deployment; but once you tacked on some extra training involved, I think it was more like eight months. ** Also added was the stress that he was only given about two-weeks’ notice – they knew it was coming but something go mixed up in the notification – they thought he’d been notified of his deployment date, but he hadn’t been.

All that being said, I remember reading on Facebook while he was deployed the love and care that my sister got from fellow AF wives and their husbands. One time I remember reading her post “I’m trying to figure out how to be in two places at once to pick up two kids.” Her friends chimed in and said, “I’ve got L.” The other one said, “I can pick up E when I go to get my daughter.” One of the kids was sick and my sister was stuck at home (they lived off post). One of her friends posted “I just dropped groceries on your front porch.”

Before their move to Germany they were stationed at Ft. Leavenworth, KS; and I got to witness first hand how other soldiers look after their friends’ kids while they’re deployed – everything from changing tires, carrying in groceries, and attending daddy/daughter events at school so the little girls didn’t have to miss out.

My niece and nephew (and sister) have also gotten to see so many parts of the world and the US that they would not have otherwise gotten to. They went driving one afternoon to France and heard the church bells ringing (they’d been looking for a particular restaurant) and decided to go to mass in France.

I know there are hardships and it really has to be a decision that you both make together, but there are so many adventures and experiences that you will receive that it definitely is something to consider.

 

[airforcefamily]

Thank you so much for joining just to respond to me!

I’ve actually heard pilots don’t deploy for more than 4 months at a time (or maybe it was 6 months?) because the planes can’t be away for that long. Even still, 4 months sounds like a VERY long time without your husband… especially if you’re all alone in Japan or something! Have you ever had to move to be stationed out of the country?? That’s one of my greatest fears right now.

Pilots and those who have flying type jobs (like my husband) can deploy for more than four months but they will not spend all that time flying because they are only allowed to fly a certain number of hours per year. The planes come and go for maintenance but the pilots and other flyers stay put.

If you were in Japan, Germany, or wherever it would be incredibly unusual for your husband to deploy since he would already be on an overseas assignment. Not to say it doesn’t happen but I’ve never heard of it in eight years.

We’ve never been stationed out of the country but we hope to. Most of the time you would only be moved out of the country if he specifically request it. Overseas assignments are sometimes difficult to land since so many people want them. Hawaii, Alaska, and Canada (as an exchange officer, like an exchange student in school) are all considered overseas so that’s an option if you don’t want to be too far away. The good things about being overseas are being able to experience another culture or place and the extra pay. Most every overseas assignment carries with it a cost of living allowance which is based on the number of people in the family. It can vary from hardly anything to upwards of $2000/month for our seven person family. When he first commissioned I couldn’t imagine being so far away from family but now I welcome the opportunity.

I do want to echo what has been posted already that the military isn’t a way to financial security. I feel lucky that my husband has job security (unless he is injured) but the money he earns comes with sacrifice.

 

[airforcefamily]

I got to witness first hand how other soldiers look after their friends’ kids while they’re deployed – everything from changing tires, carrying in groceries, and attending daddy/daughter events at school so the little girls didn’t have to miss out.

Yes, this. The military becomes an extension of your family. I’ve knocked on the doors of neighbors I have never met to ask for help with anything from getting a big bug out of the laundry room, putting air in the tire of my husbands car, watching the kids so I can take a shower, and asking for food when we just moved in and have nothing to eat until the next morning. It’s never occurred to me that someone might say no. Just tonight I brought a meal to the family of someone from my husband’s squadron who had a baby. After each baby the ladies get together and provide a week of meals for the family since so few of us have family nearby.

 

[Nanny_PK]

If you were in Japan, Germany, or wherever it would be incredibly unusual for your husband to deploy since he would already be on an overseas assignment. Not to say it doesn’t happen but I’ve never heard of it in eight years.

I don’t know how common it is, but I do know when my BIL and family went to Germany, they knew he was going to deploy. He is a pilot, but was not (at that time) in a flying position so maybe that’s the difference.

 

[hwriggles4]

F

So competitive, in fact, that he actually just received the good news yesterday that he can go ahead and apply for OTS right away, and he could get hired in and go to pilot training without even having to go through ROTC! Apparently the AF has been retiring a ton of older guys and are going to be doing some serious hiring for pilots in the next board. He is very excited and has said he wants to try to shoot for a fighter slot.

… So that is where we are at right now. All his paper work and applications are due next month, and then he’ll hopefully get an interview and hopefully get into OTS. If that doesn’t work out, ROTC will be our next step.

Please continue to send prayers or any more advice that would help me prepare for it.

Debora123:

Looks like you and your husband have gotten good advice. I was going to suggest looking into Air Force OTS, primarily because your husband already has a degree and a pilot’s license. I don’t remember what the age cutoff is for pilots. 20 years ago, it was 26-1/2. I recall around 9-11-2001, the age limit for OTS was 33. Age waivers could be granted depending on needs, physical qualifications, time of prior enlisted service, etc.

When I returned to college in my mid-20’s, I looked into going into the Air Force ROTC. It was a year after the Gulf War, when the Air Force was downsizing, so my chances of a commission (I wasn’t eligible for pilot or navigator) were slim, particularly because I only needed 2-1/2 years to finish my degree, although I wouldn’t mind doing a summer of basic camp (the catch-up for missing the first two years of ROTC). No offense, I could have gone through Army ROTC, done the basic (i.e. catch-up) camp, and received a commission in the Army Reserve, but I wasn’t very interested in serving in the Army.

Debora123, I don’t think your husband would have a hard time passing the MEPS physical. I did that a few years ago when I was an applicant for a Coast Guard Direct Commission (after 9-11-2001, I was still young enough to be a Coast Guard Engineer, so I applied - took two days off work for a physical downtown). Although I didn’t get in (four engineers were picked that year, I was told mostly electrical was needed after the selection was finished, my experience is more in civil), I’m glad I was able to complete the entire process. The Coast Guard is also a good service.

Debora123, is your husband interested in flying helicopters? The Coast Guard does have a program for Direct Commission Aviators, which might be worth looking into, since your husband has a pilot’s license. There is a minimum number of flying hours needed, and a Coast Guard wife who posted here noted very truthfully that the Coast Guard doesn’t have as many planes as the Air Force, but they do have helicopters. The Coast Guard does fly C-130’s out of Elizabeth City, North Carolina, and probably out of places such as Kodiak, Alaska. Your husband probably is still young enough for Coast Guard Officer Candidate School too. It takes several weeks in New London, Connecticut, before going to flight training.

Good luck with the Air Force. It’s a good service, and I think you could handle being an Air Force wife. My dad served 22 years, mostly in research capacities. When he was a Major (and later an LTC), most of his work to me seemed like a 9-5 job.

 

[dedo]

Hi Deborah:

I have never been in the military, but I grew up in a military family (Army). It is a different way to live. We moved almost every year. However, as a child it did not bother me, and I think I learned to be more “adaptable”.

I would say the Air force is probably easier than the Army at present.

On one hand it can be tough if you are the type of person who likes to be anchored in one place. On the other hand, if you are open to new adventures, it could be exciting.

Also, although military life has more risk than civilian life (combat), it can also be a launchpad for other opportunities. In addition to airlines, businesses and even professional schools often see military training as an asset.

Good luck,

Dedo

 

[faithfulwife]

I am coming to this late, but hopefully this sends you a note when you get a reply.
My husband has been in the Army 17 years. In those 17 years he has deployed 5 times: Iraq x 4 and Afghanistan x 1, each for a year a piece. He also did 12 months in Korea unaccompanied, and has been to four schools each of which were 6+ months long. Then there are the field exercises and TDYs…start doing the math…He is RARELY if ever home.
We have two children, a teenage son 17 and a daughter 11.
We just PCSd, meaning our son will spend his senior year at a new high school. Meaning in twelve years of school he has been in 8 schools. My husband was at a military school in a different state when I had our daughter, was allowed to come home for two weeks to see her, and then immediately was sent to Korea for a year. So he is missed her birth and entire first year of her life. He was deployed to Kuwait when we had our son, so the first time he saw him was almost walking. Needless to say we became adept at math as to not have any more children. Raising two children alone is difficult enough.
Because of his frequent combat deployments, he has a serious crisis of faith, which is also difficult to deal with and isolates us from parish life.

THIS is a very, very difficult life. I have found that if your husband is a soldier at heart, meaning that is his calling, there is really little you can do as his wife but support him. You will need to rethink your idea of your marriage vows and understand that a military marriage is in no way 50/50. You will ostensibly be a single parent. You won’t be able to plan even so much as a vacation more than a month out because his schedule will be so changing and inflexible all at once. You will learn the Army is your husbands first wife in many ways. His commitment will be to the military first, and his family second. If he is a good husband, like mine, it is the closest second possible, but still second.

You will find that NO the military does not have alot of programs to support families. They say they do, but they don’t. In all of these deployments do you know how many times the military has so much as even called to see if my children and I were alive? ZERO.

Your best bet to feel a part of his life is to get involved. I have been actively involved with the FRG, casualty assistance, CCS and housing programs. Years in you might get burnt out on these, I have, so I went back to school and got my Masters to feed my soul.

Like someone else said, medical care really depends on the duty station, some are great some are horrid. I have had duty stations where you just walk right in and get care, we have had others where you call to get an appt and they can’t get you in for 6 weeks when your child has a 104 temperature. So it just depends on where you are stationed.

All in all military service as a Catholic family in two protracted wars has left us exhausted and jaded, but still together and we have seen places and had a deeper life than most can imagine. 28 funerals in two months does something to a person that is all at once atrocious and uplifting. You will definitely learn under fire what is and isn’t important, but you will also question everything you have known. For me, this has become a deeper relationship with God, for my husband it is a constant fight to remain faithful. If you go into it eyes wide open, and with “divorce is not an option”. You will find ways to succeed as a Catholic family in the military.

Best,
Sabrina