Misled

[WildFlowerChild]

Hi,

I am new to the forum and am hoping for some virtual hugs or some words of solace. I have been misled by a devout Catholic man who showed interest in having a relationship with me. I didn’t reciprocate immediately, I contemplated and got to know him better and when I showed interest in him, he backed away. It has been a while since I made myself that vulnerable and I feel terrible, used, and lied to. We’ve become sort of friends- on his terms, we don’t see each other, we don’t call each other, conversations are virtual.

I don’t want to pursue something with someone who’s unavailable, I honestly felt that someone that devout would never hurt me (and I have been hurt in the past). My trust in people has been shaken, if I can be dishonorably misled through mixed messages by someone who lives a pure life, what hope is there for me and the average person? It just makes me not want to put myself out there any more and I am so disappointed in him.

This has set me back more than some other relationships because of his strong faith. I don’t want this post to be about how to heal my broken heart, I want to know how I can refocus my thoughts and protect myself. Incidentally, I pray daily, attend church more than the average person and read scripture regularly.

How can a “man of God” lie to another person? How can a man of God knowingly use someone and not even offer a friendship- only offer time that is convenient for them? It is making me feel that the only way I can be assured that I am genuinely cared for is to put all my faith in God and Christ and not deviate from that and allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone. As context, I am an adult woman. How can I forget this ever happened and move on with my life? I am stuck now in a place where I could see real potential and now there is just an old and accustomed loneliness.

Thanks for any compassionate advice you may offer.

 

[1ke]

Hmmm, I’m not really seeing it.

Someone shows interest in you and you rebuff him, and then later change your mind but he does not reciprocate and he is somehow to blame for something?

I do not see how he is a liar, a user, or anything like that.

And, I don’t understand why you are hurt by someone you did not actually have any sort of relationship with.

He showed interest.
You didn’t reciprocate.
He has now either decided to move on, perhaps begun something with someone else, or perhaps decided to protect his own heart since after putting it out there with you, you did not reciprocate.

Maybe he just changed his mind.

Again, not seeing anything to be hurt over.

 

[WildFlowerChild]

I did not rebuff, I was assessing. I am not asking for sympathy, just how to get an ultimately insincere person out of my head. I’d have rather remained the way I was, than have been hurt by a coward. I won’t go into the details. They’re too personal for public consumption, but I was hoping that in a Catholic forum I’d get some support.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

I’m sorry that happened to you! :hug3: Much hugs and prayers!

 

[cmscms]

I do want to comfort you since I know what it is to be hurt by someone you trusted.

However, since you want to know how to protect yourself, here it is.

Standing in a garage does not make you a car. Going to church does not make you a good Catholic. Lots of people talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. Next time you meet someone, don’t listen to what he says so much. Look at how he acts. Does he call when he says he is going to? Does he open doors for people carrying a lot of boxes? Does he tip generously?

Also, anyone who says ‘The relationship is strictly virtual’ has in a politically correct way said ‘I am not emotionally available, I have no desire to meet and spend time with you. I am simply bored when I am home alone and want to chat with you for a bit of entertainment’.

CM

 

[1ke]

I did not rebuff, I was assessing. I am not asking for sympathy, just how to get an ultimately insincere person out of my head.

The only way I know of is time and distance. I don’t think you can remain in contact, virtual or otherwise, given the circumstances. It would be best to simply cut all contact and then let time do its thing.

I’d have rather remained the way I was, than have been hurt by a coward. I won’t go into the details. They’re too personal for public consumption, but I was hoping that in a Catholic forum I’d get some support.

I am sorry that you have been hurt. Relationships are never easy, and yes when you put yourself out there sometimes you can be hurt. Have you considered some counseling on how to rebuild trust?

Not knowing the details, I am not sure of what sort of support people here can give, or what you want. do you want people to say “what a terrible person he is to do that to you”? We don’t really know, that. We only know your perceptions, limited to what you have shared. Not enought to really go on.

 

[WildFlowerChild]

Thanks I appreciate your quick responses. I’ll be honest that it never ceases to amaze me that when someone gets hard done by, they need counselling to rebuild themselves, not the other person for being insincere and immoral. I am not trying to come off as a victim here, and I think some may have that impression. If nothing else, I’d like to say that when you proport yourself to be one way and you take advantage of someone, that’s not Christ-like. Yes, I let that happen and no, I won’t share any more because it is personal and identifying. So, suffice is to say that as another responder said, if you put yourself in a garage, it doesn’t mean you’re a car. I just thought that devout Catholics were beyond that and I am disappointed to learn first hand that they are not.

 

[1ke]

Thanks I appreciate your quick responses. I’ll be honest that it never ceases to amaze me that when someone gets hard done by, they need counselling to rebuild themselves, not the other person for being insincere and immoral.

Well, we really cannot address the other person, as he is not here asking for advice or support.

The only person you can change is you.

 

[KomradeGabriel]

Hi WFC, I hope you don’t let this bring you down any further. Just because someone “seems” devout it doesn’t mean they are great people. As someone said on another thread, only God can tell what is in each of our hearts. We certainly have no guarantee that a person is pure just by looking at the image they present of themselves.

OTOH, you may be pleasantly surprised by someone you think of as “average” who may turn out to be a much kinder, humbler and honest person. So don’t be discouraged in your search, but do be careful.

I would say block this person and try to forget about them, if you feel they’ve no interest in you whatsoever. It’s probably not helping you right now to be focusing on them or even interacting sporadically.

Good luck!

 

[Groo]

My trust in people has been shaken, if I can be dishonorably misled through mixed messages by someone who lives a pure life, what hope is there for me and the average person?

Sounds like he wanted a relationship, then you rebuffed him, and then suddenly you are interested. Maybe he thinks you are the one sending mixed messages? He might be hurting too.

 

[WildFlowerChild]

Yes, ke, you’re right. I can change me and this is how I’m going to do it- I will put up my old walls that protected me before. I’ll trust those who’ve proved trustworthy through years of friendship and regardless of someone’s self-promotion as close to Christ, I’ll take that with a grain of salt and realize that even the devout can be jerks and I’ll have to find a way to forgive them and forgive myself for allowing an otherwise smart woman be so stupid.

 

[robwar]

I am sorry about what happen. Looking back on relationships that did not work out, I now realize it was for the best. That is not easy to think about when hurting but it is better to find out now than getting engaged or married and its ends. It would be better to cut off all ties and move on. If this was not the right person for you to end up getting married to then it is better to end now than later.

 

[cmscms]

Thanks I appreciate your quick responses. I’ll be honest that it never ceases to amaze me that when someone gets hard done by, they need counselling to rebuild themselves, not the other person for being insincere and immoral. .

Well, you are the one asking so people are answering your question. I do agree you need to rebuild yourself and move on and counscelling may be going to far. If the guy is a jerk, we can’t change him

If nothing else, I’d like to say that when you proport yourself to be one way and you take advantage of someone, that’s not Christ-like. .

WIth all due respect, you mentionned you are an adult woman. I find it a bit strange if you are an adult and this guy is the first hypocrite you meet. And I agree if at first you rebuffed him, he may be thinking you are the hypocrite. Perhaps there is a side to the story you are not aware of.

It takes time to get to know people. Perhaps in the future wait onger before opening up to someone

CM

 

[HouseArrest]

Maybe his was not who he said he was. If it was a virtual relationship, it could have been anyone on the other end of the wire. Maybe he wasn’t really a devout Catholic but was pretending to be to gain your trust. It could have been a thief, a woman, or a 13 year old.

Maybe he was swindling you and you didn’t fall for it, so he moved on to another victim.

 

[sacred_words]

So sorry he’s being like this toward you. I’ve been down that road before. Last i checked, contemplating and getting to know someone is the way of going about pursuing any kind of relationship, be it platonic or something else. You wouldn’t try to run in the Boston Marathon after years of sitting on your butt all day playing video games, would you? I don’t think so. You gotta work on getting to the point where you can run that marathon.

It’s the same principle in this case. You don’t wanna put too much out on the table too soon and jump in feet first, that’s only natural. Any decent person would respect that. If he’s only coming around when nobody else is there, thinking you’ll do for now, then maybe that’s not someone you should invest any more time in. You don’t have to be mean or anything, nor do you have to get chummy with him even though he basically abandoned you. Just keep any further interaction with him respectful, short and to the point.

You’re not stupid. Not at all. I can understand how he would have flown in under your radar. It’s incredibly hurtful when someone who seems so devout and devoted to their faith turns out to be rude beyond words. It’s real hard to reconcile abject devotion to the faith with that level of insincerity towards others. He showed you who he was. Believe him, and take it with a grain of salt. Only God knows what’s in his heart. I often wonder if people like him even realize what they’re doing. Anyways, don’t beat yourself up about it. :hug1:

 

[sacred_words]

WIth all due respect, you mentionned you are an adult woman. I find it a bit strange if you are an adult and this guy is the first hypocrite you meet. And I agree if at first you rebuffed him, he may be thinking you are the hypocrite. Perhaps there is a side to the story you are not aware of.

It takes time to get to know people. Perhaps in the future wait onger before opening up to someone

CM

I got the impression that it wasn’t so much the first hypocrite she’s ever dealt with in her life up until now, just the first hypocrite that seemed like a very devout man of faith. You’re right, it does take time to get to know people, and what i took away from this was that she was taking it slow so she could get to know him better before she placed more of her trust in him as a friend or whatnot.

 

[Qwestions]

Hi, WildFlower. This thread reminds me of another within the past two or three months, I believe, in which the hurt woman was having an extremely difficult time getting on with her life, and the man in question was a priest! Are you, also, referring to a priest? If not, in what ways did you think this “man of God,” was a good Catholic?

 

[Pilosopo]

Yes, ke, you’re right. I can change me and this is how I’m going to do it- I will put up my old walls that protected me before. I’ll trust those who’ve proved trustworthy through years of friendship and regardless of someone’s self-promotion as close to Christ, I’ll take that with a grain of salt and realize that even the devout can be jerks and I’ll have to find a way to forgive them and forgive myself for allowing an otherwise smart woman be so stupid.

Hello Wild Flower Child. I see you’ve been hurt, hurt, really badly. And I will pray for your healing, and that a trusting relationship comes your way soon, or in God’s own good time. Perhaps this was also a learning experience? It worries me a bit that you speak of retreating back into your safe walls… or “old” walls. Are you sure that’s what God wants you to learn from the experience? … The real world: God’s blessings rain on the good and bad, alike. I hope you embrace his blessings with open arms and grow, grow, grow…as wild flower child, perhaps this suggests your calling? Just a perspective, some questions, a fervent wish, a sincere prayer…Take care, now.

 

[JCnMe]

Count your blessings- this wasn’t what it appeared to be nor what you hoped or dreamed it would be… you are angry and hurt by something that never existed except in a virtual world… he-if it was a he- likes to play games-you didn’t play so he moved on…there is no emotional connection there and you have no more proof that this was a “devout catholic man” than his say so…predators and gamers tend to say what gets them where they want to go-it didn’t work fast enough so he moved on… I’d say you are “looking for love in all the wrong places”.…something in you didn’t swallow his line immediately- your guardian angel was doing his job…chalk this up to lesson learned and don’t waste another moment of your life on this-it wasn’t real

 

[Luvz2travel]

Well you turned him down when he was interested then changed your mind later. Instead of turning him down right away maybe you should have just gone out with him to see if there was any spark. Guys move on faster than we women do once you told him you weren’t interested that probably disappointed him but then he moved on. Once some people move on they can’t go back. I’m like that too. Once I’m over someone it’s done I can’t go back.

Dating is like anything else in life it’s a gamble…you take a chance to perhaps gain something really big. The chance you take the possible heartache and disappoint that can often occur when the other person isn’t a good match or decided they aren’t into it. I quit dating because I got tired of taking a train going nowhere and am happier but if you want to continue the ride just be aware there are always hazards along the way. Keep in mind too the journey is more difficult these days and it may take you longer to get there than you think.