Misled

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Hi,

Thank you all for your replies. There were some questions along the way that I’ll try to respond to. Firstly, I mentioned this was a virtual friendship because the majority of contact has been by email, however, we did not meet on-line and have gone out a few times, so I do know him that way as well. He is not a priest, but very active in the church, and his faith is his focus in every part of his life.

He is not the first person to have lied to me, but as one poster mentioned, he is the first one who’s done this and been of such spiritual substance, so I was shaken- my trust in people was shaken because I didn’t think someone of his calliber was capable of doing this, of leading me on and he quite clearly did.

I did not rebuff him, I was taking my time to get to know him and then let my guard down quicker than I normally would because I naively thought that someone who lived their lives the way he lives his would never hurt someone, and certainly would not lead someone on. It has taken me a long time to get back into a relationship, or even contemplate one, and I really thought he was a genuine person.

So, it is a lesson learned, and were it not for his strong faith, I would probably be able to chalk it up to experience, where I struggle is that I had certain expectations of how a truly devout person would act and it turns out that regardless of his faith, he is just as capable of being insensitive as anyone else.

I do feel pretty foolish for having allowed myself to get into this circumstance. I was going on what he was showing and saying along with how things were between us and it appears that when I caught up to him, he turned away and did so in a cowardly way. So, yes I’ve had good relationships and not so good ones and I am glad that ultimately it did not go anywhere, but a part of me is disappointed and hurt by him and another part of me feels so stupid for thinking with my heart versus my head.
 
Wildflower Child… well at least you know he’s really a man-:confused: just not a very nice one… he’s not the personna he portrayed…and claiming to be devout or spending alot of time at Church doesn’t mean anything except he claims to be devout and spends alot of time at church to make the first lie appear credible… and perhaps somewhere in there he believes if he spends alot of time at Church-it makes up for the deception… anyway- you dodged a bullet…count your blessings… realize that actions speak louder than words-and in matters of the heart- keep your eyes open…-hold your head up-you did nothing wrong… release the pain and anger and know that God was watching over you-… he can’t lie to God -He knows the truth… let that bring you peace:heaven:
 
JCnMe said:
Count your blessings- this wasn’t what it appeared to be nor what you hoped or dreamed it would be… you are angry and hurt by something that never existed except in a virtual world… he-if it was a he- likes to play games-you didn’t play so he moved on…there is no emotional connection there and you have no more proof that this was a “devout catholic man” than his say so…predators and gamers tend to say what gets them where they want to go-it didn’t work fast enough so he moved on… I’d say you are “looking for love in all the wrong places”.:eek:…something in you didn’t swallow his line immediately- your guardian angel was doing his job…chalk this up to lesson learned and don’t waste another moment of your life on this-it wasn’t real:(
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Yep never take online stuff seriously onless you’ve met the person and in my opinion met the person at least several times.
 
I don’t necessarily believe this was a man who intentionally deceived you. There are some good men out there who are afraid. They are online and they are devout, but they are still broken just like the rest of us. Devout does not mean perfect. Devout Catholics are also sinners who can also have issues they are dealing with/working through (although it probably would have been wiser for him to work through them before creating a profile on a dating site).

The way to move on is to forgive him and assume it has more to do with him than with you. HOwever, this doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. It also doesn’t mean that every other devout Catholic on that site will be the same way. If you need a break, take it…but don’t give up. I met my husband online…sometimes it takes time and patience and perseverence.
 
What am I not getting, here? Everybody in this thread seems to be painting this guy as some sort of terrible man – like he’s as bad as an adulterer or something. I’m not really getting that. Maybe he just changed his mind, or is having trouble deciding if he’s still interested? He’s allowed to change his mind; there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, he’s allowed to change his mind right up until his wedding day, not to mention before a romantic relationship even starts! Sometimes with romance people get hurt, but that doesn’t mean there was any wrong-doing. There’s no rule that says you can’t change your mind or have to be friends with any particular person. Obviously, I don’t know all the details, but just from your original post, I don’t see how one could automatically describe what he did as “dishonorable”. Perhaps he could have communicated better, but I don’t see where he lied to you.

I’m sorry your feelings were hurt, but it’s very possible you’ll have to go through a lot worse in your dating experiences before you find the right man for you. Dating isn’t always easy!
 
Dear WIldflower Child,

I understand how you feel. I had a similar experience with a “devout” man, though we dated for about 1.5 years. I won’t go into detail, but the similarity between you and I is that we both made assumptions about the character of a man based upon a label and observation of just part of his life, and assumptions about his intentions about us.

You keep referring to “a man of his caliber”, but do you see that that is just an assumption you made about him? Who we are is defined by our actions.

You also speak of returning to your old state of loneliness. I think this is part of the disappointment you feel now.

I learned some very painful lessons from my relationship. The first is to take off the Catholic blinders. I met this guy through a traditional Mass crowd, and thought I knew him a lot better than was reality. I was holding him to this Catholic code of behavior which was nuts. We can only hold ourselves to such a code.

Second, actions always speak louder than words. A person can express interest, ask you out, etc. But when a person’s actions don’t consistently show that they want a relationship with you, this needs to be taken seriously. And until that guy does consistently show that, it is better to keep mind over heart. Be guarded… at least a little.

Third, another person can’t cure our loneliness. Work on having a life you enjoy right now. Otherwise, that loneliness is going to impair your freedom to choose the right person.

This guy doesn’t sound that bad, objectively speaking. Honestly, he just sounds a bit immature and selfish.

I am sympathetic to you because I made similar errors. At first I blamed everything on him; but over time, and work on myself, I realized that I was really dissatisfied with my life before I met him, and I expected him to bring me a happiness that I am responsible to work on for myself.

Love and prayers. Take care of yourself.
 
Capta(name removed by moderator)icard said:
I was rounding up. 😉
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Like i said earlier, Capta(name removed by moderator)icard, only God knows what this guy’s deal is. I’m sure he’s otherwise decent, i don’t doubt that for a second. The OP mentioned he was very devout in his faith, so there at least has to be some good qualities to speak of in his favor. It’s just that it’s hard to make sense out of someone with that level of devotion with the way he blew her off and waltzes into her life when nobody else is available. Can you at least kind of understand that? 🙂
 
sacred_words said:
Like i said earlier, Capta(name removed by moderator)icard, only God knows what this guy’s deal is. I’m sure he’s otherwise decent, i don’t doubt that for a second. The OP mentioned he was very devout in his faith, so there at least has to be some good qualities to speak of in his favor. It’s just that it’s hard to make sense out of someone with that level of devotion with the way he blew her off and waltzes into her life when nobody else is available. Can you at least kind of understand that? 🙂
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Yeah, I can totally understand that. It looks like he probably didn’t behave ideally, but I don’t think we can write him off as a total jerk. It’s hard to say with the limited information available.
And I think we all know that people can read in a lot more than is really there when emotions are running high. I think, too, there is a gender gap. Things that men really don’t think of as a big deal (or at least as big of a deal) can make a lot bigger splash with women than they realize.
 
I agree that we can’t write off misled’s guy friend as a jerk, especially since we’ve not heard his side, and even misled tells us that he’s active in the church, and she thought that he was a devout man.

He may, indeed, be devout, and also a good Catholic. You haven’t mentioned your ages, misled, but from one who’s observed people for a l-o-n-g time, generally, (not always, but generally) the longer a man or a woman is unmarried, the more likely it is that there are reasons that others have already discovered. That doesn’t mean that the man or the woman in question isn’t a fine person, or even an undiscovered jewel–because those types DO exist. And sometimes two people like that find each other and have a wonderful marriage.

Some people are perfect in all but one or two ways, and THOSE reasons are dealkillers. Those dealkillers could range from an extremely annoying habit, an overbearing mother, no ambition to better him/herself, personal hygiene, impulsiveness, a cruel streak, to whining–any of the habits or characteristics that are the dealkillers for most people–Catholic, or not.

Closely related to that group, yet, still distinct from them, are those who are truly good, congenial Catholics who simply won’t marry, and the more time passes, the more it becomes apparent to others who know them. They enjoy friendships, even intense friendships, but prefer a solitary life to the commitment of marriage.

Another category of seemingly great Catholics who are older and unmarried reveal, after you get to know them, that they are unsure of their ability to make a good decision–so they don’t, and then they’re left sitting on a shelf, victims of their own cautiousness, unsure why they’ve been left out.

There is also that category of truly wonderful Catholics who try their best to find someone to love, but, when they need to make a commitment, they simply cannot get past the fact that THEY know they are gay, and they are afraid to hurt someone down the road. Some in that category marry, and even have children, but their (usually) unsuspecting spouse has to live with an almost completely sexually nonexistent spouse–sometimes until one of them dies, or the gay partner confesses and leaves. They can have a wonderful life together in every respect but intimacy, and, sometimes, even that isn’t a concern, if the non-gay spouse doesn’t really care about sexual intimacy, either.

There’s also that group who want DESPERATELY to love and be loved, but it just never happens for them. Maybe they’re residents of one the above categories, and maybe they simply try too hard, or maybe they’re just what people refer to as misfits. Whatever the reason(s), they’re always attending the bridal couple, but never a part of the bridal couple.

But HOPE springs ETERNAL, misled! It IS much better to have loved and lost, in my opinion, than never to have loved at all. But you won’t know that if you don’t dust yourself off and look elsewhere. Fill your free-time calendar with all kinds of projects, meetings, interest groups, activity groups, etc. Be so active that when a guy asks you out, you really DO have to see when you’re free. It won’t matter so much if he doesn’t call you back right away or never, because you’ll be doing things you enjoy–which will also make you more interesting.

Best of luck to you in moving on, misled, but whatever you do, forget this guy. He’s already shown that even though he’s a good Catholic, for YOU, he’s a disappointment and you don’t need a repeat demonstration. Be congenial, laugh, have fun with him at church events, but limit your contact to only chance encounters–no more dates and no more Internet “heart-to-hearts.” Best wishes.
 
WildFlowerChild said:
Hi,

I am new to the forum and am hoping for some virtual hugs or some words of solace. I have been misled by a devout Catholic man who showed interest in having a relationship with me. I didn’t reciprocate immediately, I contemplated and got to know him better and when I showed interest in him, he backed away. It has been a while since I made myself that vulnerable and I feel terrible, used, and lied to. We’ve become sort of friends- on his terms, we don’t see each other, we don’t call each other, conversations are virtual.

I don’t want to pursue something with someone who’s unavailable, I honestly felt that someone that devout would never hurt me (and I have been hurt in the past). My trust in people has been shaken, if I can be dishonorably misled through mixed messages by someone who lives a pure life, what hope is there for me and the average person? It just makes me not want to put myself out there any more and I am so disappointed in him.

This has set me back more than some other relationships because of his strong faith. I don’t want this post to be about how to heal my broken heart, I want to know how I can refocus my thoughts and protect myself. Incidentally, I pray daily, attend church more than the average person and read scripture regularly.

How can a “man of God” lie to another person? How can a man of God knowingly use someone and not even offer a friendship- only offer time that is convenient for them? It is making me feel that the only way I can be assured that I am genuinely cared for is to put all my faith in God and Christ and not deviate from that and allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone. As context, I am an adult woman. How can I forget this ever happened and move on with my life? I am stuck now in a place where I could see real potential and now there is just an old and accustomed loneliness.

Thanks for any compassionate advice you may offer.
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Hugs and I’m sorry you’ve gone through this and your heart has been wounded… But at the same time it sounds like you might have dodged a bullet! It’s hard to know because of the limited details, but if he treated you in such a poor manner and hurt you so badly, than it sounds like you’re much, much better off without him. I’m not sure how much consolation that is at this point…

I had a similar experience with someone dramatically changing right before meeting my husband and I’m incredibly thankful that the young man showed his true colors (which were violent and frightening, despite seeming like a complete devout gentleman) sooner rather than later. I’m sure that’s coloring the tone of my comment…

Anyways… hugs and prayers. Hang in there!

:hug1:
 
its is difficult to give comment on what happen. The best anyone can do for you is offer our prayers and support for you to heal and move on. Without knowing what happen between the two of you or the relationship especially since it seems to have been a more of an online relationship, wanting people to join you on painting him a jerk or hypocrite is not truly fair. Even if he claimed to be a devote Catholic, if the relationship was not meant to be or you are not the right people for each other, then you need to accept that even though painful and move on to someone better. One of the problems with this and other types of posts like this is not just asking for prayers because you are hurting but putting in a twist of trying to have others take your side of it. There might not be a right or wrong side here if this was not meant to be and he realized that and then broke it off. That doesn’t make him a jerk or hypocrite or an non-devote Catholic.
 
Hello,

Just to clarify, I have never asked anyone to side with me. I care about this person even though he was dishonest with me. I posted because I wanted support from fellow Catholics. In no way do I want to paint this person as an evil-doer, but a fair question for me was how can a devout person lie like that. I do think that his engaging and then disappearing was jerky, but not that he is a bad person inherently. If that is the message that some of you took away, it was certainly not my intent. Again, this was not an on-line relationship, and not one-sided; I was hurt when everything stopped without explanation. In hindsight, this is probably the wrong forum to post for support of this nature.

WFC
 
WildFlowerChild said:
but a fair question for me was how can a devout person lie like that.
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You still haven’t posted anything that indicates this person lied to you.

But, to answer the question, devout people can lie because they are human. Even the best of us do things that hurt those we love or our friends. We get short tempered, we say things we shouldn’t, we act foolishly.

If it is your expectation that a devout person willl never hurt you, never sin, never do anything stupid-- well, that is completely unrealistic.
 
Ke, you’re right, that was my expectation and you’re also right, it’s completely unrealistic. I saw him as so spiritually advanced and probably put him on some sort of pedestal that I was shocked. Since he’d been hurt in the same way before, I didn’t think he had it in him to do the same thing. I’m not going to go into the details because they’re too personal and identifying, but suffice is to say that a dishonesty happened, and it shook my faith because I didn’t expect that from a person like him. I know we’re only human, but I really thought that he was of the enlightened variety.

WFC
 
maybe an overdone expectation of another person is what mislead you here. Claiming that he lied is still blaming him. I think all of the posters have offered you support in prayer for healing. We are all human and make mistakes and need forgiveness. If you and him are not the right people for each other, it is better to have it brake up now than later. In marriage and that is any marriage, spouses hurt each other and need forgiveness of each other no matter how devote we try to be. It is totally unrealistic to think other wise and will set you up for bigger disappointments later on.
 
WildFlowerChild said:
Hi,

I am new to the forum and am hoping for some virtual hugs or some words of solace. I have been misled by a devout Catholic man who showed interest in having a relationship with me. I didn’t reciprocate immediately, I contemplated and got to know him better and when I showed interest in him, he backed away. It has been a while since I made myself that vulnerable and I feel terrible, used, and lied to. We’ve become sort of friends- on his terms, we don’t see each other, we don’t call each other, conversations are virtual.

I don’t want to pursue something with someone who’s unavailable, I honestly felt that someone that devout would never hurt me (and I have been hurt in the past). My trust in people has been shaken, if I can be dishonorably misled through mixed messages by someone who lives a pure life, what hope is there for me and the average person? It just makes me not want to put myself out there any more and I am so disappointed in him.
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Hi, WildFlower.

I wish I had some wise words to give but I don’t. I hope you keep nurturing yourself - your own healing - at your own pace.

If I’m understanding you… you have been very hesitant to let your guards down, telling yourself it’s better to keep them up, stay safe, stay strong, and you got to liking this man and against your better first minds judgment, tossed caution to the wind and lowered your guards and laid your heart vulnerable.

It didn’t work out.

That’s a hard one.

But I can tell you’re not an evil person. Here’s an online hug for ya. :console: :hug3:
 
cmscms said:
WIth all due respect, you mentionned you are an adult woman. I find it a bit strange if you are an adult and this guy is the first hypocrite you meet. And I agree if at first you rebuffed him, he may be thinking you are the hypocrite. Perhaps there is a side to the story you are not aware of.

It takes time to get to know people. Perhaps in the future wait onger before opening up to someone

CM
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@ bold: I think essentially she did that. And her being an adult woman would correlate with her traumatic experiences of being romantically hurt by men over a span of time, and consequently putting up walls of protection.

I empathize with her. Actually, I sympathize with her regret for lowering her guards. She was better off when she kept them up.

We can’t really know the guy’s motives. I know I made it a rule of mine a long time ago that if a woman rejects me just a single time I’ll never deal with her again (as friends yes, but not romantically). But I get the impression this man went beyond simply rebuffing her approaches. It sounds like he took advantages of her vulnerabilities in more intimate ways - be they emotional or otherwise. That sure isn’t saintly. If that’s what happened.

At any rate… I feel for her. This world can be tough and unforgiving.
 
WildFlowerChild said:
Hi,

I am new to the forum and am hoping for some virtual hugs or some words of solace. I have been misled by a devout Catholic man who showed interest in having a relationship with me. I didn’t reciprocate immediately, I contemplated and got to know him better and when I showed interest in him, he backed away. It has been a while since I made myself that vulnerable and I feel terrible, used, and lied to. We’ve become sort of friends- on his terms, we don’t see each other, we don’t call each other, conversations are virtual.

I don’t want to pursue something with someone who’s unavailable, I honestly felt that someone that devout would never hurt me (and I have been hurt in the past). My trust in people has been shaken, if I can be dishonorably misled through mixed messages by someone who lives a pure life, what hope is there for me and the average person? It just makes me not want to put myself out there any more and I am so disappointed in him.

This has set me back more than some other relationships because of his strong faith. I don’t want this post to be about how to heal my broken heart, I want to know how I can refocus my thoughts and protect myself. Incidentally, I pray daily, attend church more than the average person and read scripture regularly.

How can a “man of God” lie to another person? How can a man of God knowingly use someone and not even offer a friendship- only offer time that is convenient for them? It is making me feel that the only way I can be assured that I am genuinely cared for is to put all my faith in God and Christ and not deviate from that and allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone. As context, I am an adult woman. How can I forget this ever happened and move on with my life? I am stuck now in a place where I could see real potential and now there is just an old and accustomed loneliness.

Thanks for any compassionate advice you may offer.
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We are all humans. We all sin. We all make mistakes. I suggest you separate the fact that this man is a Christian with how he treated you. You don’t have to know the reasons he treated you wrong. Recognizing someone treats you wrong and then taking steps either continuing with the relationship or ending it, but making sure you stay safe. If you continue to have a relationship with him on his terms I think you should consider making a decision about whether or not you are going to share with him how you feel about the way he treated you with him. If you do decide to share your feelings with him realize that this is a good thing and a positive step you are taking with respect to managing relationships. Those are my suggestions for your consideration.

Peace,
Bill
 
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