Mom doesn't approve, devestated

  • Thread starter Thread starter JReyMomof3
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Perhaps if you live close enough, invite you mother to help with the home schooling. Also, find out why she doesnt approve over coffee, she may know something you dont…😉
 
ServusHumilis said:
Don’t worry… I wouldn’t want my kids brought up in the nominally Catholic school system either. Why not see if your mom, the profesional, wants to do the homeschooling herself? 😃
Click to expand...
I don’t recall the OP saying that the Catholic school where her mom taught, and where she, herself, was educated, was “nominally Catholic”. She simply indicated she didn’t want to spend the $$$. To paint Catholic schools with a broad brush is unwarranted, to say the least.

If her mom wished to continue teaching, she wouldn’t have retired!!!
 
JReyMomof3 said:
Hi,
I am a catholic mom of three (so far haha) and my oldest is 5, then i have a 3 and a 1 year old. We are hoping for more as God sends them our way, i would love to have a big huge family!

Anyway, my mom taught at a catholic school where me and my siblings went. She taught there for 21 years and retired last year. She still subs there and does some other stuff too. I know in the past when the topic has come up she has said she does not think homeschooling is a good idea and that the kids who came to Sacred Heart from homeschooling usually did poorly. I know that is her view.

My husband and me have decided to homeschool for the upcoming school year our daughter will be in kindergarden. We are going to do a mix of our own curriculum and some Seton materials. I am very committed to this because our public schools are not ideal and we don’t want to pay $500 a month for catholic schools. I am super, duper excited and am busy turning our spare bedroom into a classroom.

I told my mom last week that this was what we decided for this school year and she said, “You know how I feel about homeschool, but I hope it works out. I will pray that it does.” I was devastated because I really want her support and approval. I then said to her that she is so critical and she needs to give me a chance. She said “I am a professional educator and in my experience I don’t see that homeschooled kids have as good an outcome as schooled kids, but they are your children and you get to decide. I do hope for the very best.” She would not budge on her opinion. She is very opinionated.

So I called her last night and I said “Mom I need you to understand why we are choosing this… I want to educate my kids and be in control of what they learn, there are bad things in public schools and I am really excited and I wish you were too.” She said that she is glad I am excited but still does not agree with homeschooling. She said that if I want to hear her reasons, I can come over for coffee next week and we can talk about it. But she said she did not want to argue. Ugh.

How do I get my mom to support me and be a cheerleader for this. I am so hurt and upset.
Click to expand...
Code: 
 Homeschooling emerged primarily from fundamentalist circles in the 1980s, and only became more common in Catholic circles over the last decade or so. It has commonly been linked to organizations that have been trying to get rid of public education, not because of the amorality of public schools, but because these groups are trying to create a system of education-for-profit, which, for most people, in which the parents lack time or money to school the children at home, would be the alternative. 

A bit of history of education should be recalled: the Church had to establish Catholic schools in the 19th century because all public schools were aggressively Protestant and anti-Catholic. Up until the middle of the 20th century, all Bible reading and prayer in public schools was aimed at teaching anti-Catholic doctrines; it was only in my mother's generation, schooled in the 1940s and '50s, that prayers and Bible reading became more generic. It was in those decades that the ideals of the philosopher John Dewey took root in public schools, as the ideal of turning out competent citizens, rather than those schooled in the history and literature and ideas of the civilization, came to dominate. A political agenda which is not specifically Catholic but which has used Catholic discontent has been aiming at getting rid of the idea of a shared education for all, and finds it convenient to point to the anti-Catholic social teachings being adopted by the neo-Deweyites to abolish the ideal of a shared citizenship which was so powerful still in the 1960s.
The main problem I’ve found with home-schooled kids is that they often simply function according to whatever the dominant political ideology is at home, and then, as they enter the secular world, are liable to reject their background as too restrictive and closed-off. My own rejection of secularism in my teens was itself largely a function of having experienced the downside of secular schooling personally; but, fortunately, the schools at that time still did a fairly good job of educating in literature, math, and the sciences.
 
JReyMomof3 said:
Anyway, my mom taught at a catholic school where me and my siblings went. She taught there for 21 years and retired last year. She still subs there and does some other stuff too. I know in the past when the topic has come up she has said she does not think homeschooling is a good idea and that the kids who came to Sacred Heart from homeschooling usually did poorly. I know that is her view.
…I told my mom last week that this was what we decided for this school year and she said, “You know how I feel about homeschool, but I hope it works out. I will pray that it does.” I was devastated because I really want her support and approval. I then said to her that she is so critical and she needs to give me a chance. She said “I am a professional educator and in my experience I don’t see that homeschooled kids have as good an outcome as schooled kids, but they are your children and you get to decide. I do hope for the very best.” She would not budge on her opinion. She is very opinionated.

So I called her last night and I said “Mom I need you to understand why we are choosing this… I want to educate my kids and be in control of what they learn, there are bad things in public schools and I am really excited and I wish you were too.” She said that she is glad I am excited but still does not agree with homeschooling. She said that if I want to hear her reasons, I can come over for coffee next week and we can talk about it. But she said she did not want to argue. Ugh.

How do I get my mom to support me and be a cheerleader for this. I am so hurt and upset.
Click to expand...
You don’t need your mom to be your cheerleader for this venture. She’s entitled to her opinion. She doesn’t want to argue and she sounds like she’s being supportive in her own way. “I pray this works out and I will pray that it does” is pretty good coming from someone who previously expressed to you that she doesn’t like homeschooling!

In her experience, she has not seen successful homeschoolers. (As a homeschooler, I will defend homeschooling and say that’s probably because successful homeschoolers usually continue homeschooling. The ones with struggles often stop homeschooling to put the children (back) in school. Such students may have a learning disorder, and those children may not do so great in a school system either.) Nevertheless, your mother has her reasons, and if you want her to discuss this with you, you will have to respectfully listen to her share her reasons why she doesn’t like homeschooling. OR–you can do as she asked and not argue about it. Don’t bring it up for discussion and she’s not likely to either. She’s not stopping you from homeschooling, she’s just expressed her opinion when you asked her to do something that she cannot at this point in time do. Maybe at one point she’ll change her opinion based on your success as a homeschooler, but she’s not there now.

I will also point out to anyone who picks on the op’s spelling or grammar, that she had professional educator as a mother and came from a Catholic school. If she didn’t learn these things the first time around, homeschooling her children gives her another opportunity.
 
Homeschooling was great while we did it and then sent our kids to a rare great Catholic School. They have rocked it this year. Even the oldest going into a very difficult 7th grade.

Your mother’s sample size of transferred kids would by nature be extremely small, as she is one person at one school, even over 20 years.

My only advice about homeschooling, is to buy a nice structured curriculum. Those who try and build their own have a bigger risk to letting days slide by. Not that you don’t punt some days with structure, but it at least has built in end points to motivate the parent and child.
 
Honestly you can’t expect her to give up on her own conviction just to please you.
Im sorry if I may sound harsh, but she has the right to have her own opinion you know.
Also if you try to look at it from her point of view things may seem quite different than it does from yours.
I mean, she is a teacher and has educated children for decades and still her advice/ recommendations fall for deaf ears when she give you her profesional opinion that homeschooling children struggles later on.
I think it’s out of love for her grandchildren that she care enough for them to stay firmly on what she think is best for them.
Also don’t you think homeschooling may exclude them from social interactions with children on their own age?
Does your children participate in any sort of sports or activities where they’ll meet others at their own age?
If not they may find themselves to be left out when entering public schools later on.

Im not about to share my opinion about homeschooling and public schools as I to be honest don’t have a clue how things work in the states.
In Europe homeschooling is very uncommon so I do not have much of an opinion of it as Im quite unfamiliar with the form of schooling. .
 
JReyMomof3 said:
Hi,
I am a catholic mom of three (so far haha) and my oldest is 5, then i have a 3 and a 1 year old. We are hoping for more as God sends them our way, i would love to have a big huge family!

Anyway, my mom taught at a catholic school where me and my siblings went. She taught there for 21 years and retired last year. She still subs there and does some other stuff too. I know in the past when the topic has come up she has said she does not think homeschooling is a good idea and that the kids who came to Sacred Heart from homeschooling usually did poorly. I know that is her view.

My husband and me have decided to homeschool for the upcoming school year our daughter will be in kindergarden. We are going to do a mix of our own curriculum and some Seton materials. I am very committed to this because our public schools are not ideal and we don’t want to pay $500 a month for catholic schools. I am super, duper excited and am busy turning our spare bedroom into a classroom.

I told my mom last week that this was what we decided for this school year and she said, “You know how I feel about homeschool, but I hope it works out. I will pray that it does.” I was devastated because I really want her support and approval. I then said to her that she is so critical and she needs to give me a chance. She said “I am a professional educator and in my experience I don’t see that homeschooled kids have as good an outcome as schooled kids, but they are your children and you get to decide. I do hope for the very best.” She would not budge on her opinion. She is very opinionated.

So I called her last night and I said “Mom I need you to understand why we are choosing this… I want to educate my kids and be in control of what they learn, there are bad things in public schools and I am really excited and I wish you were too.” She said that she is glad I am excited but still does not agree with homeschooling. She said that if I want to hear her reasons, I can come over for coffee next week and we can talk about it. But she said she did not want to argue. Ugh.

How do I get my mom to support me and be a cheerleader for this. I am so hurt and upset.
Click to expand...
I think you Mom has a right to her opinion and you should respect that. That does not mean she is right or wrong. So go ahead with your plans and don’t argue with your Mom about it. Personally, I wouldn’t know how to judge who is right and who is wrong. Certainly some home schooled children do very well, others may not do so well. It depends on how well the home school Mother does.

Linus2nd
 
I think your Mom handled it very graciously…you knew before you ever told her that she didn’t approve of homeschooling, so what did you think she was going to say? Everything she said was perfectly appropriate.

Also, perhaps she doesn’t want it to become “her project”…setting up your classroom, etc. Don’t expect her to do anything except enjoy and love her grandchildren…that’s her job. Yours is to do the parenting.
 
You’re an adult with your own children. You don’t need your mother’s approval for anything you do. She can give her opinion about homeschooling as she chooses, but that doesn’t mean she is right. If you want to homeschool your children, than just do it.
 
OP, try very hard to move on regardless of your mother’s opinion.

Devoting energy to what she thinks is going to rob you of precious energy that you will need to teach your children. It will also rob you of the energy you will need to foster good relationships with your children, and facilitate their good relationships with each other.

From what I have read, your mother is being honest and kind. That’s a far cry from being two-faced, or cruel, or even a saboteur - which is not uncommon in families.

I know it would be so much better if she was happy and enthusiastic with you.

I hope she knows how lucky she is to has a daughter who values her opinion so much. :o
 
I am the oldest of 6 kids. We were all homeschooled, though none of us was homeschooled completely from K-12. Here’s the breakdown:

Me - public from K-3, homeschooled from 4-8, online school from 9-12. Went to university, graduated, married with a stepchild, finishing a master’s degree, teach at a college.
Sis - public from K-1, homeschooled from 2-8, online school from 9-12. Certificate from a college, worked for a couple of years, now a SAHM with 3 kids in a healthy marriage.
Oldest bro - homeschooled from K-6, online school from 7-12. Bachelor’s degree from a university.
Second bro - homeschooled from K-7, online school from 8-12. Bachelor’s degree from a university.
Third bro - homeschooled from K-7, online school from 8-12. Diploma from a college, certificate from a college, finishing a bachelor’s degree. (All in the same field - music. He only had to do the last 2 years of his bachelor’s degree as his diploma counted for the first 2 - the college he went to didn’t have a music degree.) Married, no kids yet.
Youngest bro - homeschooled from K-7, online school for 8-9, public school from 10-12 (he was the only one still at home at this point). In a trades apprenticeship.

None of us have EVER been in any kind of serious trouble. We’re all financially stable and able to care for ourselves. Four of us (myself and the 3 older boys) graduated high school valedictorian. Multiple compliments and awards for citizenship skills, community service, etc.
 
JReyMomof3 said:
she said, “You know how I feel about homeschool, but I hope it works out. I will pray that it does.”
Click to expand...
Well, i do agree with almost everyone else. I think your mom handled this very gracefully.

And I do want to thank you as well. You gave us a realistic view of what she said. So often a person will post a question in a way that makes us biased to answer the question the way the OP wants. You didn’t do that, and I commend you for that.

To paint this question another way - if a good friend of yours asked you for an opinion that you didn’t agree with, but you still wished it worked out well - how would you respond? What could she say that would make you change your mind? It doesn’t mean you don’t wish that it works out well, nor that you would bring it up again if your point of view doesn’t convince her.

Let’s say that she wants to marry a man that she just met three weeks ago. “Isn’t he the most wonderful person ever? I know I should wait longer, but I just know that this is all perfect - don’t you agree?” In your heart you are thinking - “You can’t possibly know after three weeks, I hope it all works out for you, but I wouldn’t get married for a couple of years.”. So how does your friend convince you that she is right? If she came on here and asked how she could get her best friend to be as excited about this relationship as she is - what advice would you give?

Now, I’m not trying to equate homeschooling to making a foolish decision. I’m just trying to come up with an example (and maybe mine was trite) that you probably wouldn’t agree with so that you could see that she wouldn’t be able to convince you that you were wrong - except by having the best marriage ever - and that would take years for you to be convinced.

So forgive your mom. Ask for her help or advice when you want it. Accept that she isn’t as excited about this as are you, but she genuinely wants the best for you and her grand children. (It sounds to me like she does.)
 
shainski said:
So forgive your mom. Ask for her help or advice when you want it. Accept that she isn’t as excited about this as are you, but she genuinely wants the best for you and her grand children. (It sounds to me like she does.)
Click to expand...
Forgive her mother? For what? Being honest? I think that the OP is whining because her mother isn’t on the bandwagon and offering to help her plan her homeschool curriculum, or teach or babysit… or perhaps the OP is upset that her mother is not offering to help with tuition at the parish school.

OP, I applaud your mother’s gracious, patient response to the choices that you have made for your children. She sounds like a marvelous person, and is probably a wonderful grandmother. Be a good daughter and give credit where credit is due. You are lucky to have such a mother, don’t expect her to do your job.

Get over yourself and start working. You will love your little homeschool and that’s what matters most!
 
Others have about said it all at this point, but if I may add:

I teach a few classes at a Catholic high school. My students who were home schooled previously are, without exception, the most intelligent, inquisitive, respectful, athletic, and socially comfortable of all. I will definitely home school my kids when the time comes. There is a right way and a wrong way to do it, for sure, but when done properly there is no comparison.
 
How do you get your mother, a professional educator, to admit that professional educators are not needed? .
Click to expand...
You don’t. You follow the program that you and your husband have decided upon.

For some reason, it seems that most posters have gone off on a tangent-instead of answering your question, they used the opportunity to give their opinions, advice, and share their experiences with home schooling. Which is good, but hardly addresses your original concern.

You and your husband are adults, parents of three small children. You say you have already made the decision to home school, at least for this coming year.

I understand wanting to have your mother’s enthusiastic support, but as you said, your Mom is a trained educator, and it would be unlikely for her to do an about-face concerning her chosen career, at the time of her retirement!

Your Mom was very gracious, mature, and supportive in her giving her opinion on the subject. If you show the same attitude towards her opinion, she might be more helpful than you expect. But either way, decisions on children’s education should be made by the parents.
 
Above quote isn’t the exact one posted by OP. But it gets the point across, IMO, and it’s late!
Sorry for any confusion.
 
JReyMomof3 said:
Well I don’t know, I guess I just wanted her to be like offering to come over and help me set up the class, offering to help with teaching sometimes. I want her to be so excited. She is not excited but yes she is wishing me the best.

I want her to see that I do a good job and change her opinion of homeschooling. I know that i haven’t even started yet, so that is not going to happen right now. I don’t know, I think I just want her to be as supportive as possible. I feel like this is an issue I won’t be able to call her and talk about a lot.

And if we have any problems, which i don’t think will happen, but if we do she will be smug about it and say I told you so. I guess I thought when it was me doing it she will have more faith?
Click to expand...
Good grief! You don’t know how lucky you have it. My mom taught for 32 years and she was devastated by our decision. She told me she hoped I failed before I damaged my kids too much and said she would not help. She also took one of my children out for a “day with grandma” only to have her tested at the school she used to teach at.

I can tell you a couple things about homeschooling first and then talk more about former teachers and their views.
First off you might want to put out any ideas of setting your room up like a school. I got this impression from you that you want your mom to help with that. Also though a skilled educator homeschool is not a classroom setting which is what she will be absolutely ingrained to think how school should be.
We made the mistake of using curriculum geared to a classroom for two years and then switched to seton which is one million times better. It is old school and probably more of what your mom was used to and it uses things that have been phased out. Like diagraming sentences and math concepts that are not used in most districts. My mom actually likes this because she feels that it is better than public school curriculum. Also be prepared. Seton is no nonsense with religion. It will teach what the schools will not. It will teach the faith.

As for your mom. My mom took it personally as if our decision was an insult to her entire existence. She still prefers we send them to school but she at least is seeing that they are better behaved, and more innocent than any kid she has ever taught. That being said. She has grudgingly accepted it but perhaps that is because we now live so far away. (And honestly that was part of the reason we moved.)

You are asking too much of your mother. I would have loved my mother to have said to me what yours did to you. Time will tell and will only take as long as her pride will allow.
Also teacher’s experience with home school are usually in the context of failed homeschool attempts and having to correct the issue to fit the current grade and classroom. Invite your mom to homeschooling groups so she can see the successful side of it. It will probably not change her mind and she may not get past the “classroom” mindset of teachers but it will show that you are serious.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top