I know I posted already, but here’s the finished version of what I was trying to say–the forum wouldn’t let me edit it
Thank you all for your replies, I have alot to re-read and contemplate. When I do, I’ll surely post back here…
No, there isn’t a magic bullet, but I didn’t expect such. In honesty I have been raised since I could talk–with Jesus. No real religion, just a following of the Bible, with a mother who in her better years–was a minister. I went to a Christian school with Christian teachings for a bit, and my mom has and always will be Jesus’ biggest advocate. Throughout my illness, my family has had to rectify their beliefs in facing my mortality…And they’ve all chosen to believe in him and they all seem happier for it. I’m glad. I’m not happier, with him. I’m angrier and more desolate than I ever have been. The more I see and learn of the world, the more I experience and feel what life has to offer, the more frightening the prospect that there is a God not only condoning what happens by inaction–but also holding something over my head like eternal damnation. I haven’t done a single thing that deserves such treatment, and neither have any of you.
I’m 26 now. I’ve been in the darkest state of sadness and pain since I was 19. I’ve pulled myself out and here I am, and yes I do have to admit I’m quite angry with God. Since childhood I’ve been nothing but abused by man, and left in quiet silence when it comes to God. I’ve suffered illness since being born–hell, the day I was born I was being choked by my own biology. I grew up fighting and trying to keep up with healthy kids, healthy people who treated me like I was just lazy. I was molested, raped, mentally abused, abandoned, torn out of my life constantly, and still I put my head down and forged on, that’s all I could do. Not a single moment of my childhood was free of despair or pain. Not a single moment of my life until now–has been happy, despite the pain. I’ve gone my entire life, dutifully waiting for Him to see fit to answer any of my questions, and he has stayed silent. I’ve fought tooth and nail for others’ spiritual well-being, without asking a single thing for it in return. I’ve been the best daughter you could ask for, and feel nothing but abandonment in return.
At some point, you just have to pick yourself up and stop feeling victimized. That’s what I’m doing. I’ve given him my entire heart and soul, till now. My own family suffered a double-suicide when I was five. So since then, I’ve learned that there is a Hell and been very vigilant on what causes will send you there. Over time I’ve realized that even I who have lived for Him, cannot avoid doing something that will send me to Hell. The best and only answer I’ve gotten about this is that Jesus died horrifically on the cross for our sins. What about his servant who chose to be hanged on the cross upside down? Suffering the same fate only in my opinion worse? I’m positive that countless people on earth have died far more horrific deaths than Jesus did… And none of them were resurrected and put at a throne. Lots of them probably re-emerged in Hell? What kind loving God would do that to people? It’s not like he’s powerless to stop it. Oh he could, at any minute. He could squash Satan to a pulp, yes? Yes. Yet right now my brothers and sisters are burning and suffering for reasons I simply cannot justify.
Right now I’m leaning towards there not being a God at all. Or there being a God but that the one whom is portrayed in religion isn’t the real creator, and is sadly mis-represented. Either way if he does or doesn’t exist–I can’t figure out why such a being deserves me. Who am I to judge God? No one. But at the same time, I’m supposed to be everyone, and everything to him. The treatment I receive from him and the treatment he promises in the Bible, don’t add up and often times contradict themselves. What’s more is if I created something, I’d feel an obligation to tell them why and what will happen to them, and I definitely wouldn’t create them knowing they’ll suffer for eternity.
On the other hand, if God plans on saving everyone from Hell in the future: I find it insulting that he would make people fear such a fate at all. There’s no point, I don’t see any. The fear of hell keeps some evil at bay but it’s also given cause for some of the greatest evils I’ve seen out there. This entire system of good and bad/winning and losing/ heaven and hell–is ridiculous to me. It’s clear there is good and evil. I choose to be good, and do good. For now that’s all I know. But as for God existing, I don’t seek to see physical evidence of him to know he’s real since I know it doesn’t exist, but I do want to know for damn sure that he deserves what I have to give. Evidence would be nice.
So please do send me your readings, I will read them. Send me your thoughts, I appreciate them. Send me any evidence you have and I will consider it with an open mind, without expectation that any of it will be any relevant honestly. Really, I’m looking for the big guns, for the real answers not just “Jesus died for you, be thankful,” or “there are no answers to your questions, seek them through him not us.” I’ve sought them through him and come to the place I’m at today. If God is truly God, then surely he has answers in his Bible to be found and if not, I’ll move on. Thank you for your time.