Moral Dilemma - Contracepting

[tal3210]

My wife wants me to contracept. We have 4 kids and for numerous, very thoughtful decisions, believe it is best for us to be done having children. We have talked about this a lot and it just brings frustration for us both. Even if she wanted to she cannot, for health reasons, get her tubes tied. She feels like she could contracept in good conscience. She has hard a tough life, and we have little support - especially on her side. It feels like the selfless thing would be for me to contracept. Temporary abstinence has been a strain on our relationship but one that we have done up to this point of our marriage. We also were not taught the Church’s teaching before getting married and through study I have grown to know the Church’s teaching well. I continue to read a lot on this, but it feels like if I hold my ground on not contracepting that she can only perceive it as selfish - no matter what I say to her. Actions speak louder than words. I know that we need to seek local counsel and I plan to, but I’m also curious if others have ran into a situation similar to ours and what their priests might have said. Anyone with a familiar situation and thougts/feedback is appreciated. Moral theology can get tricky at times. The question of what is right is not always the same is it?

 

[1ke]

The question of what is right is not always the same is it?

Well, yeah, it is. Contraception is intrinsically evil. It is never a moral choice.

You don’t mention whether you and your wife have taken instruction in one of the methods of natural family planning. If you want to space/avoid, then periodic continued and using the inferior phase of the woman’s cycle is the moral means of spacing/avoiding.

 

[Ammi]

It doesnt matter what a priest might say. They are not permitted to advise or encourage you to contracept.

If she thinks you are selfish to reject contraception, then she is the one who needs to reconcile with the faith.

Most of the world, and even the majority of Catholics will think you are wrong. Even some priests. I understand your situation. It’s not fair at all. Everyone who practices and approves of contraception makes it harder for those who struggle to reject it. That is the problem.

For me, it was a huge turn off. Why would I want to be intimate with a wife who demands i do something wrong?

 

[tal3210]

It’s just like other sins that can be mortal though. They CAN be mortal. Because an act is evil doesn’t mean that everyone who does it is culpable based on the conditions of a mortal sin. Those conditions are up to debate. It’s not always black and white, at least not to us humans.

 

[tal3210]

She doesn’t understand the teaching. You’re right though. Outside influences are friends that we have that contracept. It does make it harder. But we can’t be so rigid with the application of teachings in the church that we become like the pharisees. Right?

 

[Irishmom2]

OP. It sounds like you are just trying to justify something you know is wrong since you think that sins are on a case by case basis.

No one here can give you the okay.

You need to discuss this with your priest and your wife, not internet strangers, and not with your friends.

 

[1ke]

Those conditions are up to debate.

No, they really aren’t.

Grave matter. Knowledge. Free will.

 

[1ke]

But we can’t be so rigid with the application of teachings in the church that we become like the pharisees. Right?

You are trying to justify something you know is wrong. No amount of justifying will make it right, nor make you less culpable for what you already know to be wrong.

Stop trying to justify contraception and move towards a productive conversation on natural family planning.

 

[tal3210]

Thanks but I’m not looking for the okay. I’m looking for help, and asking if anyone else has tackled this issue in their married life.

 

[tal3210]

Whether the conditions are met in a particular situation is up for debate, to get technical. And I’m not trying to justify this. I’m asking if anyone else has had a similar experience. I have found that most of the time the person in a marriage that feels contraception is ok goes ahead and does it. That would make the person not contracepting in the marriage still be able to have marital relations without sinning. I’ve read a ton of personal stories online and haven’t found one like mine. Just looking for help, not judgement. Try to have some compassion please.

 

[Ammi]

Situations where a spouse is able to have relations with a contracepting spouse, is when the innocent spouse is not contributing to the contraception.

Though i personally feel like this is strange. Why would someone want to make love with your spouse who is contracepting? Dont they want their spouse to reject evil?

 

[Ammi]

Try to have some compassion please.

I’m sorry about your situation. Please try to be strong. I dont judge, because I am not strong. But I try not to call evil good, or good evil. And I try to encourage what I would like others to encourage myself to do.

 

[Busyfather]

I’m facing a similar situation as we too have four and I’m done and I would like to get a vasectomy but wife says no. I understand it’s wrong and it’s a sin, I was born a sinner and I will die a sinner, so far I have met no one different. Financial pressures, space, the ability to spend the time they deserve with each child and stress are all major factors in trying to navigate this decision. From my research, only abstinence is 100% guaranteed except in one well documented instance. Money bleeds in every direction and more children put us closer to having to ask for help instead of being able to offer it. The plate continues to pass through the pews whether you’re trying to feed one mouth or ten.

 

[Ammi]

The reason Jesus died for is, is so that we are repentant sinners, not resigning ourselves to sinfulness.

Trust me, I respect the struggle as much as anyone. But let’s not profane the Gospel.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Just looking for help, not judgement. Try to have some compassion please.

The people responding to you are giving you a correct answer in view of Catholic teaching, and they aren’t being rude or lacking in compassion. The answer is what it is. It’s not somehow un-compassionate for them to be honest and tell you that contraception is wrong, no exceptions. It doesn’t matter what a priest said, and in my experience many if not most priests say the exact same thing as the responses you’ve received: it’s a sin, and they can’t give you the okay to sin.

This is also not a big complicated moral theology issue. You’re looking for a loophole to allow you to do what you want. It doesn’t exist.

 

[Inquiry]

And the woman who gave what she could gave more than the rich men who gave ten times as much. Of course you can give more material wealth to the church if you sin than if you don’t, but that doesn’t mean the church wants more money at that cost.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

The plate continues to pass through the pews whether you’re trying to feed one mouth or ten.

No one is forcing you to put anything into it.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I’m looking for help, and asking if anyone else has tackled this issue in their married life.

Go talk to your pastor, and take her with you. That seems like the obvious thing to do. Is there some reason why you haven’t done that?

 

[Ammi]

tal3210:

I’m looking for help, and asking if anyone else has tackled this issue in their married life.

Go talk to your pastor, and take her with you. That seems like the obvious thing to do. Is there some reason why you haven’t done that?

I’m not necessarily criticizing this advice… but when we know that a priest cannot advise contracepting, it’s actually not too cool to put him in a position to do so.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

but when we know that a priest cannot advise contracepting, it’s actually not too cool to put him in a position to do so.

I don’t think of priests as being pushovers. Furthermore, even a priest who may not take a hard line on the teaching about contraception in Humanae Vitae would probably never “advise contracepting”, but what he might do is tell a couple to follow their conscience. Hopefully he would explain the Church’s teaching to them first.

I really doubt that after a couple explains their situation to a priest that the priest would say “I think you should use contraceptives”.

The point of the OP going to talk to a priest with his spouse is so that the spouse can get some insight into the Church’s teachings, and maybe not take such a hard line with hubby.