Moral Dilemma - What should I do?

[pcg2]

One of my best friends recently had 6 members of her family die She is very hurt, sad, and in need of a shoulder to cry on. Naturally, she has asked if I could see her in person so that she could vent and I could talk to her - basically just be there for her. She doesn’t want to tell me over the phone (I guess she feels like this is too big and important for her to not tell me in person).

The problem is that there are times when this friend of mine, unfortunately, dresses in an immodest manner. And even more unfortunately, whenever she has dressed in this way and I have hung out with her, I have lusted after her (recently, at least).

I don’t want to lust after her. I want to love her. But at the same time, I feel like it would be very un-Christian of me to not see, and be there for, one of my best friends during her extreme time of need simply because I’m afraid that I might lust (because there is the possibility, of course, that she won’t be dressed in an immodest manner, and I would have nothing to worry about).

What am I supposed to do in this situation? Do I “risk” seeing her so that I could be a decent friend? Or do I just tell her that I can’t see her, and end up not being there for her? I honestly feel like I’m screwed either way… I don’t want to sin. But it seems like I would be doing wrong regardless of which decision I make.

Help?

 

[DexUK]

I would suggest that having had 6 members of her family die recently, immodesty is probably the last thing on this lady’s mind. I would also suggest that if you’re the good friend you hope you are, you will (and should) be concentrating on her wellbeing and not her physiology.

Show her some Christian charity, and for your self, show some restraint. It is your choice.

 

[LittleOne1]

Well she still has a duty to dress modestly whether she intends to dress seductively or not. It is not fair to him or any guy that she dress in a way that is immodest (now granted I do not know how she is dressing, but showing cleavage, or underwear or stuff you can see through ect is not acceptable). You are doing the right thing OP by wanting to avoid lusting after her. I would say you need to have a frank discussion, that you want to be there for her, but also the way she dresses makes it hard to be there as a friend. If she is not understanding, I would say put your soul first, because that is most important thing for you to do. In the end, it might be best for her to speak with one of her friends who is a girl anyways.

Not only is it a duty of a guy (or frankly any person) to not lust after people, but also the duty of women (and everyone in general) to dress in such a way not to place others in the temptation of sin. Dressin seductively or immodestly in some ways constitutes sexual harrasment. People need to dress in a manner that respects both themselves and others. God placed strong sexual attractions for a reason and we are fallen too. We have a duty to help our fellow human.

 

[pcg2]

I would suggest that having had 6 members of her family die recently, immodesty is probably the last thing on this lady’s mind. I would also suggest that if you’re the good friend you hope you are, you will (and should) be concentrating on her wellbeing and not her physiology.

Show her some Christian charity, and for your self, show some restraint. It is your choice.

Of course, if she is dressed immodestly, I will try my hardest not to lust after her (it’s not as if I lust after her automatically, it’s just that recently I have lusted). But the problem lies in the fact that, I don’t want to presume that I will be able to restrain. I don’t want to be prideful and think that just because my intentions are good, then I should be able not to lust.

On the other hand, you are right. I should be more concerned about her well-being than lusting after her.

I guess my question comes down to this: Would it be sinful for me to go and comfort her, knowing that there is the possibility that she would be dressed immodestly, and therefore the possibility that I would lust after her?

 

[pcg2]

Well she still has a duty to dress modestly whether she intends to dress seductively or not. It is not fair to him or any guy that she dress in a way that is immodest (now granted I do not know how she is dressing, but showing cleavage, or underwear or stuff you can see through ect is not acceptable). You are doing the right thing OP by wanting to avoid lusting after her. I would say you need to have a frank discussion, that you want to be there for her, but also the way she dresses makes it hard to be there as a friend. If she is not understanding, I would say put your soul first, because that is most important thing for you to do. In the end, it might be best for her to speak with one of her friends who is a girl anyways.

Not only is it a duty of a guy (or frankly any person) to not lust after people, but also the duty of women (and everyone in general) to dress in such a way not to place others in the temptation of sin. Dressin seductively or immodestly in some ways constitutes sexual harrasment. People need to dress in a manner that respects both themselves and others. God placed strong sexual attractions for a reason and we are fallen too. We have a duty to help our fellow human.

But she’s not Catholic… not even Christian. It would be totally and utterly random and out of nowhere (at last to her) for me to all of a sudden tell her that “she better not wear those extremely short shorts while she’s with me, or I won’t be able to talk to her.” On the other hand, she does know my views on purity and chastity and women in general, and knows that I take my sexuality very seriously… I’m still confused

 

[St_Francis]

Surely she has other friends? The only reason I mention this is that it is soooooo much better for women to counsel and comfort women, for the very reason you mention. To me, there is a huge possibility of this becoming an occasion of sin–I don’t want to spell it out but it’s amazing what can happen between two people when one is in pain. That’s why girls used to be chaperoned…

I understand that you want to comfort your friend, but please avoid comforting her at home or anything like that. And at some time when she is not in mourning, you might discuss the clothing situation with her, in a thorough and detailed way, on the phone Put it as your problem, her beauty, and asking for her help rather than in any way criticizing her clothing.

 

[DexUK]

I guess my question comes down to this: Would it be sinful for me to go and comfort her, knowing that there is the possibility that she would be dressed immodestly, and therefore the possibility that I would lust after her?

Well, if you’re not comfortable being in her presence, then you’re not comfortable. Nobody can change that. But frankly I think you need to grow a bit of a backbone, to be honest. You are in control of your actions. You’re capable of channeling your thoughts. If you are truly and honestly wishing to support her through her grief, then do so if you think you’re capable of helping her.

Just don’t stay the night.

 

[PatriceA]

Take one of your sweatshirts or jackets, offer it to her if she’s dressed immodestly when you see her and be the best friend you can be in her time of need.

 

[dailey]

I think the solution is simple. Go and be a good friend to her. Try your best not to lust after her. Really, that’s all you can do.

 

[Zeemeermin]

How Pharisaical can you get? This person is in desperate need of compassion and support, and all you can think about is how she dresses and how to defend yourself against it. If she is in despair and you are even capable of lusting after her while she is in that state, it shows a lot more about YOUR selfishness and hardness of heart than about how immoral she might be. I think she might be better off without you as her “friend.”

This is another of those times where someone gets so caught up in the letter of the law that he forgets about the spirit of it. Jesus said, “Love one another as I have loved you.” When the woman washed his feet with her tears, dried them with her hair, and anointed them with expensive oil, do you think he for one second thought with resentment, “Jeez, she really should put something on because she is being so inconsiderate in making it possible for me to lust after her!” No, he comforted her and told her that her faith had saved her.

 

[Joe_5859]

So basically, from a moral theology standpoint, you’re asking if there is a justifying reason for placing yourself in the occasion of sin.

We are called to avoid the near occasion of sin (i.e. to avoid placing ourselves in situation where we would be tempted to sin); however, if a justifying reason exists, we can do so. Jimmy Akin gives the example of a father walking into a pornographic movie theater in order to remove his daughter who has been taken there. The images will certainly tempt him, but rescuing his daughter makes it a justifiable risk.

I am not your spiritual director, and I know only the details you have provided, so I can’t tell you definitively. However, my opinion is that there is absolutely a justifying reason! She has experienced a tremendous loss and is reaching out to you, specifically! For you to turn your back on her because you might be tempted to sin would do her a grave disservice. That could very easily be a sin of omission.

It would be one thing if you were contemplating whether or not to stop by and show some support to a casual acquaintance who was undergoing this same tragedy. But she is a close friend who has specifically asked for you to meet with her in person. That is a whole different story.

Certainly, you can talk about this with a trusted priest or spiritual director. But I think it would be remiss not to be there for your friend during this time of great tragedy.

 

[Joe_5859]

Surely she has other friends? The only reason I mention this is that it is soooooo much better for women to counsel and comfort women, for the very reason you mention. To me, there is a huge possibility of this becoming an occasion of sin–I don’t want to spell it out but it’s amazing what can happen between two people when one is in pain. That’s why girls used to be chaperoned…

I understand that you want to comfort your friend, but please avoid comforting her at home or anything like that. And at some time when she is not in mourning, you might discuss the clothing situation with her, in a thorough and detailed way, on the phone Put it as your problem, her beauty, and asking for her help rather than in any way criticizing her clothing.

That’s something I had not considered. You see, this is why it is much better to turn to a trusted priest for counsel on matters such as this.

 

[rwoehmke]

If she is as good a friend as you imply, I can see no reason for to not tell her your problem without dwelling on it at great length and telling her to please put some clothes on so you can give 100 percent attention to her problem(s). Simple, stright forward, and honest.

 

[Joe_5859]

If she is as good a friend as you imply, I can see no reason for to not tell her your problem without dwelling on it at great length and telling her to please put some clothes on so you can give 100 percent attention to her problem(s). Simple, stright forward, and honest.

I agree, though I would add that now is possibly not the best time to bring this to her attention.

 

[pcg2]

How Pharisaical can you get? This person is in desperate need of compassion and support, and all you can think about is how she dresses and how to defend yourself against it. If she is in despair and you are even capable of lusting after her while she is in that state, it shows a lot more about YOUR selfishness and hardness of heart than about how immoral she might be. I think she might be better off without you as her “friend.”

While I appreciate you attempts to “help” me, your presumptions and outright judgmentalism were not very charitable. You are right, I am selfish. I am a terrible sinner. I don’t deny that. I struggle mightily with addictions to pornography and masturbation, and have been trying desperately to end them for the sake of Jesus. I asked this question out of love for my friend. The last thing I want to do is lust after her again and see her as an object. To say that she needs to find a better friend is pretty ridiculous. The only reason I am here asking this question is because I want to love her, and because I wanted to know the right thing to do.

This is another of those times where someone gets so caught up in the letter of the law that he forgets about the spirit of it. Jesus said, “Love one another as I have loved you.” When the woman washed his feet with her tears, dried them with her hair, and anointed them with expensive oil, do you think he for one second thought with resentment, “Jeez, she really should put something on because she is being so inconsiderate in making it possible for me to lust after her!” No, he comforted her and told her that her faith had saved her.

Jesus didn’t struggle with an addiction as I do. Not to make excuses for my behavior, though. I’m just saying that I want to do the right thing which is why I came here to see what that is. It’s not as if I have made up my mind yet as to what to do.

Peace be with you homie

 

[DexUK]

Can you imagine ‘hitting on’ someone if they were in the midst of grieving over a considerable number of deaths in the family?

I certainly can’t.

Be a good, grown up, friend. If it’s a struggle for you in some unspoken way, then so be it. Offer up your struggle as a spiritual penance for the things you have done wrong. That way you will do good for your friend and good for your soul.

 

[pcg2]

That’s something I had not considered. You see, this is why it is much better to turn to a trusted priest for counsel on matters such as this.

Grr… I had thought from your previous post that it would be okay, and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a trusted priest to go to. At our huge parish we only have 2 priests right now and I wouldn’t be able to get in contact with any one of them on such short notice.

The reason she wants to see me so badly is because of the fact that, in all humility, God has blessed me with with the gift of really being able to counsel people and have insight into their problems (one of the reasons why I want to be a therapist). So my friends come to me for help. Not to say that her girlfriends won’t help her, I think it’s just that I am her best guy friend and so she really wants me to be there for her

 

[pcg2]

Can you imagine ‘hitting on’ someone if they were in the midst of grieving over a considerable number of deaths in the family?

I certainly can’t.

Be a good, grown up, friend. If it’s a struggle for you in some unspoken way, then so be it. Offer up your struggle as a spiritual penance for the things you have done wrong. That way you will do good for your friend and good for your soul.

I really do want to be there for her, but I don’t want to sin to be able to do it.

So you think it wouldn’t be sinful for me to go there, knowing that there is a chance I might sin?

 

[MtGargano]

Invite her to mass in the morning, and then breakfast afterwards for the chat…You will be able to subtley suggest she dresses appropriately for mass, and your discussion will be in public during breakfast…

Good Luck…

 

[DexUK]

I’m going to be blunt.

For goodness sake, stop vacillating and just go and be a good friend. If your vocation in life is to be a therapist, then you’ll know full well that anyone behaving towards someone in such a therapeutic supportive sense would be absolutely stark staring mad to consider a physical or lustful relationship with the person they’re supposed to be supporting, since it would be beyond any boundaries of ethics. This is one of those situations. If you can’t cope with that concept you’ll be useless as a therapist whenever you encounter someone who, in any other situation, you’d identify as attractive.

Go and be her friend. Stop dilly-dallying around man. You do yourself and her no favours by doing so.