More Drama with the in laws WARNING: Quite long read only if you have the extra time!

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jazzy0710 said:
Thanks Joe. My husband did get himself taken off the plan right after it happened and had the phone put in his name. I know she has good intentions. Sometimes she just takes it to the extreme. She has even had my husband’s name and his sister’s name tattooed across her chest!

At the end of April my husband will be back and as soon as the Navy has a position for him, we will be gone!
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I think some people just haven’t been taught proper socialization.

I will pray for you to make it through to April with your sanity. :o Hopefully things improve after that.
 
Bezant said:
I’m afraid I must be blunt. You and your husband need to pick your battles and be decisive about your boundaries, because situations like this shouldn’t carry on for two years.

Talking is likely a pointless solution. If you to hang on to every snide comment or squabble, and if you fail to keep a healthy distance from your in-laws, the cycle of bickering will probably snowball.

Since your stepmother-in-law is ignoring you, see this as an opportunity to avoid the drama. Make your own weekend plans. Delete harassing text messages. Remove her from facebook. Keep contact with the family to a respectful minimum. And make it a habit. If it’s an option for you, you might want to spend Christmas or the New Year elsewhere.

And above all, don’t enter any formal commitment with your in-laws – no matter how trivial or innocent.
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THIS! And take it from someone who has had oodles of trouble with in-laws. PM if you need to. Trust me, the stress is so NOT worth it. If they are toxic, stay away and maintain a healthy distance. In our case, we stopped accepting gifts b/c I was accused of only wanting in-laws money. We also have very strict boundaries on communication so our son does not get hurt. Important to have those boundaries in place before you have kids. Take the high road and don’t play into drama.
 
90Domer said:
THIS! And take it from someone who has had oodles of trouble with in-laws. PM if you need to. Trust me, the stress is so NOT worth it. If they are toxic, stay away and maintain a healthy distance. In our case, we stopped accepting gifts b/c I was accused of only wanting in-laws money. We also have very strict boundaries on communication so our son does not get hurt. Important to have those boundaries in place before you have kids. Take the high road and don’t play into drama.
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Thanks. They may possibly be comming over today to see me for a bit. I am going to be polite and am going to pray beforehand for peace and paitence. I will keep an open mind and heart but will still have the boundaries in place.
 
jazzy0710 said:
CONTINUATION PART 4:

i was prepared at one point to not have anything to do with them. then after thinking about our future children, and having a very good talk with a father-figure type friend I realized how time is so precious, how important forgiveness is and how hate and anger in your heart can consume you. So I thought I’d try and make peace. This was recently in the last week. I atcually did try and contact her to make peace on her birthday but that didn’t work. she ignored me. then she contacted me in september and I ignored her.
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You really want your children to have a relationship with someone so toxic?

Return the phone.
If you are involved with them financially, stop.
De-friend her and anyone else that is toxic in your life or just stop posting anything on Facebook.
Don’t include them in any plans.

Continuing to associate with them makes you part of the problem. It is time to move on.
 
I did read it…all of it.

I have a suggestion but I am not sure you will like it.

I am a member of a 12 step group. One of the steps we take is the 4th Step - we take a thorough moral inventory of OURSELVES.

We do it by writing down our resentments and looking at each of the people, places and things we are resentful towards. In this case you would write about your FIL and your MIL.

You would write their names, and then WHY you are mad or resentful of them (what did they do) and then you would write down the injuries it caused you (how did their actions HURT you? Did it hurt your self esteem, your pride, your pocketbook, your personal relationships, your sexual relationships, your ambitions? Did it cause you fear?

Then you look at each relationship and you write down YOUR PART in the whole drama - leave them OUT of it and look at how YOU have behaved. Ask yourself what you should have done instead, how you should have behaved, write down the EXACT nature of YOUR wrongdoing…not their wrongs…YOUR WRONGS.

Be very hard on yourself. Really dig deep. Ask yourself where you have been selfish, dishonest, self seeking, frightened…where did you go wrong.

When you are done, you may have a better idea of how your character defects and your particular actions may have lead to problems.

For instance - and this is just a for instance - saying, “He didn’t REALLY want the phone but took it anyway”…wait a minute…this is a grown married man. He very nicely, but firmly, says, “No thank you. I cannot afford this. Thank you so much for thinking of me” .

You have all behaved badly, in my opinion. You have overreacted and she has overreacted and neither of you have clean hands.

Perhaps, if you were to take a really hard look at yourself and then take the writing to a priest for confession you may make some headway with your anger issues.

Again, this is just a suggestion.

you might try googling 4th Step or looking for a great book on the subject entitled A Program for You.

Meanwhile, you are in my prayers!
 
LSK said:
I did read it…all of it.

I have a suggestion but I am not sure you will like it.

I am a member of a 12 step group. One of the steps we take is the 4th Step - we take a thorough moral inventory of OURSELVES.

We do it by writing down our resentments and looking at each of the people, places and things we are resentful towards. In this case you would write about your FIL and your MIL.

You would write their names, and then WHY you are mad or resentful of them (what did they do) and then you would write down the injuries it caused you (how did their actions HURT you? Did it hurt your self esteem, your pride, your pocketbook, your personal relationships, your sexual relationships, your ambitions? Did it cause you fear?

Then you look at each relationship and you write down YOUR PART in the whole drama - leave them OUT of it and look at how YOU have behaved. Ask yourself what you should have done instead, how you should have behaved, write down the EXACT nature of YOUR wrongdoing…not their wrongs…YOUR WRONGS.

Be very hard on yourself. Really dig deep. Ask yourself where you have been selfish, dishonest, self seeking, frightened…where did you go wrong.

When you are done, you may have a better idea of how your character defects and your particular actions may have lead to problems.

For instance - and this is just a for instance - saying, “He didn’t REALLY want the phone but took it anyway”…wait a minute…this is a grown married man. He very nicely, but firmly, says, “No thank you. I cannot afford this. Thank you so much for thinking of me” .

You have all behaved badly, in my opinion. You have overreacted and she has overreacted and neither of you have clean hands.

Perhaps, if you were to take a really hard look at yourself and then take the writing to a priest for confession you may make some headway with your anger issues.

Again, this is just a suggestion.

you might try googling 4th Step or looking for a great book on the subject entitled A Program for You.

Meanwhile, you are in my prayers!
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Thanks for your insight. I may just do so.
 
Boundries are essential when your family is crazy. 😃 They are also difficult to set. bpdcentral.com// - this is a great website. I don’t know if your family members have personality issues, but those who do often have difficulty with boundries. That site has some really good suggestions for support. You have my prayers.

Edited to correct website URL
 
Faustina123 said:
Boundries are essential when your family is crazy. 😃 They are also difficult to set. bpdcentral.com// - this is a great website. I don’t know if your family members have personality issues, but those who do often have difficulty with boundries. That site has some really good suggestions for support. You have my prayers.

Edited to correct website URL
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Thanks very much 🙂
 
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