Most US women would rather divorce than be a housewife

[DarkLight]

I think I’d like to see the actual questions asked. If a husband said to me “I know we planned on us both working and taking some time out for the kids, but I want you to stay home and be a housewife so I can focus on my career,” I’d tell him that he was nuts and where did he get off thinking he got to decide that on his own?

 

[chevalier]

The article seems to have a thing or two wrong. It actually presumes that when a woman runs the home instead of working in a paid career, that makes the marriage not egalitarian. A division of duties does not need to be 50/50 across the board to be equal or even egalitarian.

Next, there is some difference between “insistence on being breadwinners” and “valuing success in a high-paid career”, it isn’t the same thing, it’s not really about the same.

Finally, I’m not convinced that 70% people want an egalitarian relationship. People too often want to control the relationship, notwithstanding that they will yield to someone who is simply more “alpha” than they are and be controlled.

 

[Ruthcloud]

I am a young woman who was conflicted about ever being a houeswife. It is just part and parcel of growing up with secular friends and influences…and yes cosmo was one of them.
I don’t know if I will be a mother, I am not married and things sometimes don’t go as planned.
If I am blessed with children, then I will be a happy housewife. I was specially designed by God for this purpose. I was not designed to bear children,raise children,breastfeed,cook,clean,do the financials,take care of runny noses,be a wife…and bring home the bacon.
The mother is the glue that holds the family together. If a mother is dysfunctional the best an exceptional father can do is have an average home. On the flip side if the husband is dysfunctional an exeptional mother can achieve an exeptional home and the kids do far better. I guess this has nothing to do with Moms working, but I have seen the importance of a mother from the foster homes I have been in.

I was a straight a student with a high grade point average and my friends think that I am wasting my potential if I become a housewife.I disagree, my husband will be blessed to have an intelligent wife to discuss things with him and others.
Its all good!

 

[EasterJoy]

Like many others I doubt these statistics.

That being said I would never marry a man who was looking for a woman to be a SAHM. If after I got married he changed his mind and started pressuring, guilt tripping, badgering, etc to get me to quit my job we may have some serious marital problems.

I would go crazy as a SAHM, and as hard as I’ve worked for my future, I would lose all self-respect if I just gave it all up. That being said, if having kids changed my mind that’s one thing, and we could work with that.

I have PhD from a top school, and yet I decided that the best thing for our family would be if I didn’t go back to teaching immediately after our kids were born. As it turned out, I never went back, and it is unlikely that I ever will. Quite a few of my friends don’t even know I have a PhD, and yeah, there is some work involved in disconnecting self-worth from the status of “what you do.” It worked for us, but it wouldn’t work for everybody.

I would never look down on someone who felt that her work outside the home was a necessary thing for her or something that improved the life of her family outside of the money she brought in. I suspect that in the past there were some very unhappy SAHMs who didn’t have any option other than staying at home, and families that suffered as a result. Well, now couples can decide how to make things work out for their marriage and their family. I think that’s a good thing.

Don’t wind your self-respect up in what you do, though. You are just one tragedy from a totally different kind of life from what you have planned out now. God made you a human being, not a human doing, and the dignity God gave you does not increase or decrease based on some other accomplishment or station in life that you can gain or lose. Work is worth doing well, worth taking pride in, worth taking joy in, but it is not worth so much that you would lose yourself if you couldn’t do it. That is too far.

 

[llenadegracia]

My impression is that the survey was done among young people…which is to say, most of these young women do not have an actual husband or family to stay home for. They may not even be planning to marry OR have children yet. Well, I know a woman who at 21 was never going to marry, who went on to earn a professional degree and success in her field, and yet who at 50 has, at one time or another, homeschooled all of her six kids.

This show how greatly the truth can be twisted by researchers who publish the opinions of people basing their opinions on what they imagine they’d want, instead of surveying what people actually chose when they have the actual choice.

I definitely agree there.

I am in college, but in high school I can recall the vast majority of young women viewed being a SAHM as a very negative occupation. As I’ve entered college, I think more and more women are warming up to the idea as they actually near towards marriage with a potential spouse.

Many young women, my friends and myself included, all desire to be SAHM. But ultimately, we will do what is best for our (future) kids. Whether that means working or SAHM. We are all in college. I am a big supporter that all women should receive some sort of education or vocational training in the unfortunant event that her husband cannot work or passes away. Women should be able to continue to support her family. Additionally, college or vocational training forces young women (and men) to think critically and grow as individuals…at least for the majority.

 

[kelvinf]

Well, I know a woman who at 21 was never going to marry, who went on to earn a professional degree and success in her field, and yet who at 50 has, at one time or another, homeschooled all of her six kids.

I also know that woman. Nice try.

 

[Chantal25]

I think the biggest point you made with women wanting to work is that in the event of a death or divorce they need to be prepared to support the family. I have to say that was the BIGGEST reason that I decided I’d much rather be a career person. The last place I would want to be is a single mom without means to support her children.

I’ve dated men who were insistent that they would want to be the breadwinner with a wife that stayed home and raised children, while in theory this sounded Ideal, I couldn’t risk the possibility of putting myself in a position of being helpless. The mere thought of single parenthood all of a sudden and being out of the job market for years terrified me.

That was my biggest reason too, when i was young, i saw women being depressed because they couldn’t sustain their need. I wanted to have a career to support myself just in case. But clearly, having a child, i would have love to be the stay home mom and care for her. For me, it was for safety reason.

 

[EasterJoy]

I also know that woman. Nice try.

Do you realize that I am referring to a real person, not myself, with whom I attended college?
I can’t tell from your reply if you even believe me.


I will make one point that could be very important though: Both I and that SAHM had mothers who were both excellent and very happy to have been SAHMs. I knew many intelligent women who were happy in their chosen role, and who would choose it all over again, if given a chance. Their hearts went out to their friends with careers, many of whom went to salaried jobs only because their families needed the money. These women also did not spend all their time at home. They got out of the house, they did volunteer work, they accomplished projects that their sisters with paid work didn’t have time to do. Their lives did not revolve around being the lone domestic servant for their immediate family! Heaven forbid!!

If you have never admired someone who stayed at home and greatly enhanced the lives around her by her choice (or his…it can be a man), you may find the real world of being a SAHM much more difficult to imagine, let alone to choose over other options you’ve worked hard to give to yourself. The women who cannot imagine being SAHMs may not know anyone with a lot of talent who was happy and accomplished while doing it.

Many of the SAHMs I know who are the happiest are ranching and farming women, or have a home in close proximity to their husband’s business. In other words, they aren’t “stay at home” so much as being a partner in a business that takes place even partly on their home place. Their husbands work very long hours, but they are stay-at-home husbands and fathers, too. That makes the work feel very different than a situation where their husband puts on a tie at 7 am, goes off to use his college education all day (instead of being out shoveling manure and struggling with calves while you’re inside changing diapers and chasing toddlers) and comes home exhausted at dinner time instead of having the mid-day break of coming in to share lunch with you and the family.

 

[gmarie21]

Don’t wind your self-respect up in what you do, though. You are just one tragedy from a totally different kind of life from what you have planned out now. God made you a human being, not a human doing, and the dignity God gave you does not increase or decrease based on some other accomplishment or station in life that you can gain or lose. Work is worth doing well, worth taking pride in, worth taking joy in, but it is not worth so much that you would lose yourself if you couldn’t do it. That is too far.

I wish I had your name to attach to this quote. I am going to email this to a friend of mine who has been quite successful financially but his family has suffered much emotionally because of his lack of being present. When he was laid off (with a severance I could only dream of, about 4 years worth of our household income) he didn’t just begin to enjoy his family, including his lonely wife, he decided to look for other work (he is close to retirement age and really can afford to not work from this point on). I told my husband that I thought this friend was lost because he only identifies himself based on his work/job. He has questioned the fact that we are now expecting #4 even though we struggle financially and that we hope to have more (he has two grown sons who have not grown up yet) and doesn’t understand our approach to life (my husband works weekends and stays home with the kids and homeschools them while I work weekdays) yet we are full of joy and he is very unhappy (as are all the members of his family). This quote you stated is so appropriate that I am going to pass it along. I will use anonymous unless you want to pm me your name. But thank you for this wise insight!

 

[ahollars]

I think I’d like to see the actual questions asked. If a husband said to me “I know we planned on us both working and taking some time out for the kids, but I want you to stay home and be a housewife so I can focus on my career,” I’d tell him that he was nuts and where did he get off thinking he got to decide that on his own?

He probably got it from the fact that most women feel they have a right to decide this on their own. Why do women feel that they alone have the right to this decision? (It’s my body…?)

Ladies, let’s be honest. How many of you ever consider the notion that us men cannot afford our own families if you don’t stay home? He isn’t focused on his career. He is focused on you and the kids, and he has everything to lose if you decide to leave him because you insist on having your own salary. He wants to stretch his paycheck as far as possible and get rid of unnecessary expenses. He also wants to maximize his time with you without having to worry about conflicting work schedules, night classes, etc.

No one can raise a child better than a mother (or father). If both parents have careers, then someone else is raising the kids. You may think you are raising them after work, but you are not. Your babysitter/daycare is doing all the hard work, reaching all the milestones, setting all the goals, and shaping their personalities.

My wife is a SAHM. We had the conversation before we were married, but that was after her medical discharge. She had every intention of making the Army a career. I would have adjusted, but God had other plans. I’m sure she would have adjusted in other ways if she had managed to stay. We ended up running a daycare from home. Every mother who dropped their kids off with my wife secretly wished they could be her. I know this, because some of them did not keep it a secret.

 

[gmarie21]

My wife is a SAHM. We had the conversation before we were married, but that was after her medical discharge. She had every intention of making the Army a career. I would have adjusted, but God had other plans. I’m sure she would have adjusted in other ways if she had managed to stay. We ended up running a daycare from home. Every mother who dropped their kids off with my wife secretly wished they could be her. I know this, because some of them did not keep it a secret.

I work in daycare too and sadly, I have run across very few mothers who wish they were home based on their stating so and/or their actions. Oh the stories of priorities and lack of patience for one’s child(ren). So happy that you have run across differently. I would welcome more parents who wish they could stay home. Then again, most of my parents have one parent who makes more than enough to support the family yet the other parent would rather pay over $1000 per month per child than stay home with their child.

 

[EasterJoy]

I wish I had your name to attach to this quote. I am going to email this to a friend of mine who has been quite successful financially but his family has suffered much emotionally because of his lack of being present. When he was laid off (with a severance I could only dream of, about 4 years worth of our household income) he didn’t just begin to enjoy his family, including his lonely wife, he decided to look for other work (he is close to retirement age and really can afford to not work from this point on). I told my husband that I thought this friend was lost because he only identifies himself based on his work/job. He has questioned the fact that we are now expecting #4 even though we struggle financially and that we hope to have more (he has two grown sons who have not grown up yet) and doesn’t understand our approach to life (my husband works weekends and stays home with the kids and homeschools them while I work weekdays) yet we are full of joy and he is very unhappy (as are all the members of his family). This quote you stated is so appropriate that I am going to pass it along. I will use anonymous unless you want to pm me your name. But thank you for this wise insight!

Anonymous is fine, because my name wouldn’t mean anything to him, anyway. You might mention to him that many NFL stars go through just what he is going through–that is, a period of uncertainty after losing a work to which they had dedicated themselves so completely. It is fine for him to choose a new “something”, but let him remember that he won’t live for ever and neither will his wife. The time for love is always right now.

This is an example of some of the answers Ray Lewis has given about his impending retirement:

*He reiterated his need to be there for his sons, one of whom is going to the University of Miami in the fall on a football scholarship, still outweighs his desire to continue playing.

“I never slowed down to really think about, ‘Oh, will you come back?’ Nah, I can’t come back,” Lewis said. “My kids are calling for Daddy. It’s a great reward to see the sacrifice my babies have made for me, and it’s time that I sacrifice for them.”*
csnbaltimore.com/blog/ravens-talk/lewis-isnt-second-guessing-retirement-plans

 

[PaulinVA]

My late-teen daughter wants to be a stay-at-home mom. She is vilified by her friends for even thinking that, much less saying it out loud.

But, most of those girls weren’t raised by moms who stayed home, so what do they know? I think when you ask people about something they haven’t experienced, but wish they had, the answers are fraught with a lot of emotions.

 

[EasterJoy]

He probably got it from the fact that most women feel they have a right to decide this on their own. Why do women feel that they alone have the right to this decision? (It’s my body…?)

Ladies, let’s be honest. How many of you ever consider the notion that us men cannot afford our own families if you don’t stay home? He isn’t focused on his career. He is focused on you and the kids, and he has everything to lose if you decide to leave him because you insist on having your own salary. He wants to stretch his paycheck as far as possible and get rid of unnecessary expenses. He also wants to maximize his time with you without having to worry about conflicting work schedules, night classes, etc.

No one can raise a child better than a mother (or father). If both parents have careers, then someone else is raising the kids. You may think you are raising them after work, but you are not. Your babysitter/daycare is doing all the hard work, reaching all the milestones, setting all the goals, and shaping their personalities.

My wife is a SAHM. We had the conversation before we were married, but that was after her medical discharge. She had every intention of making the Army a career. I would have adjusted, but God had other plans. I’m sure she would have adjusted in other ways if she had managed to stay. We ended up running a daycare from home. Every mother who dropped their kids off with my wife secretly wished they could be her. I know this, because some of them did not keep it a secret.

You have to talk to the actual “he” that you marry in order to know what “he” wants, and vice versa. And no, the daycare provider does not do all the hard work, does not reach all the milestones, and does not do all the shaping of personalities.

Even a father who is at work a lot of the time will shape his children, merely by being the man their children know to be their father. That is something that parents who have jobs outside their homes must never forget. Some of what they mean to their children can never be taken over by anyone else. The truth is that even SAH parents need to remember that. If you choose to or have to work in separation from your children, though, it gives you that much less time to have the effect on them that they need you to have. The people helping you by caring for your children will also have their own profound effect, too…yes, absolutely! They cannot be chosen too carefully or appreciated too much when they do their work well. I am convinced that being open with your appreciation of their contribution to your family is very important for the welfare of your children, because it lets your children know how important is to you that you leave them in the care of those who will care for them with great love.

 

[kelvinf]

Do you realize that I am referring to a real person, not myself, with whom I attended college?
I can’t tell from your reply if you even believe me.

Sorry(!) if my post was confusing. I do believe you. I thought you were talking about EasterJoy. My bad. Notwithstanding, the post wasn’t meant to be taken seriously. That’s why I used this thing:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I wish I had your name to attach to this quote. I am going to email this to a friend of mine who has been quite successful financially but his family has suffered much emotionally because of his lack of being present. When he was laid off (with a severance I could only dream of, about 4 years worth of our household income) he didn’t just begin to enjoy his family, including his lonely wife, he decided to look for other work (he is close to retirement age and really can afford to not work from this point on). I told my husband that I thought this friend was lost because he only identifies himself based on his work/job. He has questioned the fact that we are now expecting #4 even though we struggle financially and that we hope to have more (he has two grown sons who have not grown up yet) and doesn’t understand our approach to life (my husband works weekends and stays home with the kids and homeschools them while I work weekdays) yet we are full of joy and he is very unhappy (as are all the members of his family). This quote you stated is so appropriate that I am going to pass it along. I will use anonymous unless you want to pm me your name. But thank you for this wise insight!

Good luck. I hope it reaches your friend but I doubt that it will. People like him are motivated by other factors. Work can be like an addiction, and part of the mechanism is an addiction to adrenaline, or so work addicts suggest based on their own experience. Many of them came from families where being busy was seen as the only option, and there was never time just to “be.” Many of them are trying to prove something to the parent who never gave them approval. They need help, but rarely does it come from well-meaning family and friends. They rarely hit their “bottom,” as an alcoholic does, because society rewards the work addict with money and kudos for their work ethic, even if it ruins their family and eventually kills them.

 

[EasterJoy]

Sorry(!) if my post was confusing. I do believe you. I thought you were talking about EasterJoy. My bad. Notwithstanding, the post wasn’t meant to be taken seriously. That’s why I used this thing:

That is OK! There are a lot more of us out there than people think, though. When people ask us at parties “what do you do?”, we usually don’t give our academic resumes! I’ve actually had other SAHMs find out that I have an advanced degree, and they thank me because they find it validating that someone who had some kind of “glamorous” career choice chose to do what they did.

The other irony, of course, is that when I answer “stay-at-home mom” to the “what do you do?” question, a typical reply is “I could never do that”, while the typical reply to “I teach chemistry” was “chemistry? Oh, wow, I really hated chemistry!” So I didn’t come down that much!

 

[Rence]

He probably got it from the fact that most women feel they have a right to decide this on their own. Why do women feel that they alone have the right to this decision? (It’s my body…?)

Because they do. And maybe these types of things should be settled before people get married so that there are no suprises.

Ladies, let’s be honest. How many of you ever consider the notion that us men cannot afford our own families if you don’t stay home?

And many families can’t afford both parents to NOT work.

 

[Leuce]

I feel that these days there has sort of become hard to express any wish or show it out in the open if you have any sort of “old fashioned” ways of having your marriage.
Me and hubby have a somewhat “old fashioned” marriage. Which means that he is mainly “in charge”. Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t have opinions and doesn’t get heard. Simply what it means is that he has the final say.
This sometimes “gets out”, and is something I often get negative feedback on, especially from family. To me that is hurtful, because the way our relationship work is something I have chosen myself. It seems that in this day and age where women are constantly told that they have the right to choose, that is only if you choose “the right thing”.

I intend to work, but if he wished for me to be a stay at home wife, and we could responsibly do that, I would that.
If we get kids, I wouldn’t think twice.

My mom was partly a sahm. She switched to having night shifts, because that let her work one week and have one week off. We were in a part time day care, which we only were in on the weeks she worked and only half day, so she got some sleep after leaving us off in day care and until she picked us up around noon.
This has led to her having less salary trough retirement today, but she doesn’t regret it.
For us this was a great system growing up. We got to be in day care and learn to socialize in larger groups, as well as we got to learn all the things you can learn from home with being part of house chores and cooking. Too many young people today when they move on their own get hit by a big shock because they don’t know how to do laundry or cook basic meals.

Anyhow, the TL;DR, I guess my point is that I can understand that young women would(could, depending if the facts are true or not) come with such statements. Being “old fashioned” has sort of become something that is frowned upon, and something that will make most people start heavy debates about being equal and feminism.
I am all for equal rights, but I do have some somewhat “old fashioned” views, that there should be some differences between men and women, but always mutual respect!

 

[Rence]

That is OK! There are a lot more of us out there than people think, though. When people ask us at parties “what do you do?”, we usually don’t give our academic resumes! I’ve actually had other SAHMs find out that I have an advanced degree, and they thank me because they find it validating that someone who had some kind of “glamorous” career choice chose to do what they did.

The other irony, of course, is that when I answer “stay-at-home mom” to the “what do you do?” question, a typical reply is “I could never do that”, while the typical reply to “I teach chemistry” was “chemistry? Oh, wow, I really hated chemistry!” So I didn’t come down that much!

Yeah but even when every mom in the room works, there’s bound to be someone or more to be snotty about what a particular person does for a living, over what another person does. Snotty people are snotty no matter what they do. Given the fact that we’re talking about a group of various women in a gathering, I don’t believe for a second that there isn’t one among the SAHM-only gathering as well.