Mother-Daughter Dynamics

[Rivii]

Good day to you all. It’s probably typical to say that, during the teen years, children will rebel. I can attest to that. But I wish I couldn’t, especially now that I’m almost no longer a teenager. My mother and I have run into so many spots of trouble. She’s a wonderful mother and she does what she can for her family. I’m really the one at fault mostly. I acknowledge that.

But, outside of guiding conduct and principles, is it a mother’s place to dictate how I should live my life? Like what I should major in, what school I go to and who I date and eventually marry? It’s probably culture. I know that she wants me to have a good life and she says these things with my best intentions in mind. But… I just don’t feel so happy about it. It somehow feels so wrong to me. But, whenever I voice my discomfort with her wishes, she becomes upset and says that I’m “talking back” and being “disobedient.” This always ends with tears. I’ve resolved to not speak about my wishes and comply… but I still feel so unhappy. I keep asking God to guide me because I feel so lost and depressed to the point of being suicidal again. In your opinion, what should I do?

 

[SMHW]

Good day to you all. It’s probably typical to say that, during the teen years, children will rebel. I can attest to that. But I wish I couldn’t, especially now that I’m almost no longer a teenager. My mother and I have run into so many spots of trouble. She’s a wonderful mother and she does what she can for her family. I’m really the one at fault mostly. I acknowledge that.

But, outside of guiding conduct and principles, is it a mother’s place to dictate how I should live my life? Like what I should major in, what school I go to and who I date and eventually marry? It’s probably culture. I know that she wants me to have a good life and she says these things with my best intentions in mind. But… I just don’t feel so happy about it. It somehow feels so wrong to me. But, whenever I voice my discomfort with her wishes, she becomes upset and says that I’m “talking back” and being “disobedient.” This always ends with tears. I’ve resolved to not speak about my wishes and comply… but I still feel so unhappy. I keep asking God to guide me because I feel so lost and depressed to the point of being suicidal again. In your opinion, what should I do?

This section from the Catechism of the Catholic Church should give you some good advice about the relationships of children and parents. You will probably find section 2230 of particular interest.

I don’t know where you live or what your culture might be but it is certainly true that in come cultures it is normal that parents are very involved in their children’s choices of career and spouse. This can be particularly distressing to children when the family lives in an area where cultural norms are different.

In practice you will have to realize that so long as your parents are providing you a place to live and/or paying for your education you will be subject to their authority. (You really don’t become a “practical adult” until you are economically free of your parents.) Even if you pay rent and pay for your education you are still going to be subject to their rules so long as you live in the house they control. (The same would be true for a non-family member who was renting a room in your parents’ home.)

It’s simply the natural order of things that parents give advice to their children and expect to have their advice be respected. Your mother should respect your career and your choice for a spouse but they are not obligated to finance your college education and your search for a spouse. But the more responsible they see you act the more likely they will be to believe that your choices might be good ones even if they differ from what your parents would choose for you.

 

[mountee]

The shift from child to adult is a difficult transition for parents. There are so many dynamics that interfere with the change going smoothly. But, one key ingredient that can help is to work on communication skills. Your mother has to join in this also and that may not be easy for you. Try it out in small doses, pray for God to be in the middle of your conversations and for the Holy Spirit to help you with your thoughts and words. Next time you have an issue try saying this, Mom, I am not able to agree completely with that idea and I would really like to talk about it without arguing, could we try, please. When you talk stick to one issue, keep it brief without any type of emotion and use “I” messages. Over time you might find that this works, I have and it is worth the trouble.

 

[Lisa1967]

You might want to get the youth catechism Youcat. That might help you.

I will pray for you.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

In practice you will have to realize that so long as your parents are providing you a place to live and/or paying for your education you will be subject to their authority. (You really don’t become a “practical adult” until you are economically free of your parents.) Even if you pay rent and pay for your education you are still going to be subject to their rules so long as you live in the house they control. **(The same would be true for a non-family member who was renting a room in your parents’ home.) **

I should surely say that non-family member tenants are not obligated to seek out the education and/or spouse that their landlords prefer. That was not even the case in some feudalistic societies, and hopefully we’ve come further than them!

 

[Xantippe]

“Like what I should major in, what school I go to and who I date and eventually marry?”

If you’re living under your mother’s roof and she’s supporting you, you’re going to have to pay a lot of attention to what she’s saying. At minimum, you should hear what she has to say and perhaps bring in more advice from experts or from research (and share it with her). For instance, let’s say your mom wants you to be a doctor. It would be a good idea for the two of you to talk to some doctors and see where they think medicine is going, long-term. (In the US, it might be the case that medicine is not going to be worth the cost of the schooling involved, particularly for family doctors.) In the US, law and MBAs are also looking iffy. There have been a lot of changes in the economy lately, and a lot of the rules that your mother knows may not currently apply. Do a lot of reading and share your results with your mom. Your local situation will be unique, but one of the rules is that it’s important to make sure that there’s a relationship between the cost of the education and the expected salary–you shouldn’t spend $80k in order to qualify as a social worker, for instance. Also, I would be very cautious about “hot” fields that everybody is rushing into, especially if you aren’t interested in the field. 1) There could soon be an oversupply of workers. 2) You would be upset if a) you weren’t interested in it and b) you couldn’t get a job in it.

I don’t know what country you’re living in and what the local economic situation is, but this is an important time in your life, and you should listen carefully to your mom, do a lot of research online and talk to a lot of people.

 

[FriendlyFace]

Rivii:

But, outside of guiding conduct and principles, is it a mother’s place to dictate how I should live my life? Like what I should major in, what school I go to and who I date and eventually marry? It’s probably culture. I know that she wants me to have a good life and she says these things with my best intentions in mind. But… I just don’t feel so happy about it. It somehow feels so wrong to me. But, whenever I voice my discomfort with her wishes, she becomes upset and says that I’m “talking back” and being “disobedient.” This always ends with tears. I’ve resolved to not speak about my wishes and comply… but I still feel so unhappy. I keep asking God to guide me because I feel so lost and depressed to the point of being suicidal again. In your opinion, what should I do?

Ultimately, it should be up to you what you do. It’s your job to discern God’s will for you. I don’t know what culture you’re from though, and some parents want more of a say if they are paying. (For school that is.)

I don’t know what you should do, but if you can get your own place and gain some independence, that might be wise. It all depends on your circumstances.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

 

[SMHW]

I should surely say that non-family member tenants are not obligated to seek out the education and/or spouse that their landlords prefer. That was not even the case in some feudalistic societies, and hopefully we’ve come further than them!

OK, I didn’t intend my analogy to go THAT far. More like a tenant in the home of another person usually has to have special permission to have guests visit the home and might be asked to respect the schedule of the family members in the home.

 

[1ke]

The Church teaches that parents should NOT try to dictate their child’s career or spouse. They may offer advice, and children should certainly listen to their parent’s wisdom. But utlimately the choice of college major, job, and spouse are the child’s alone-- not the parents.

 

[Rivii]

This section from the Catechism of the Catholic Church should give you some good advice about the relationships of children and parents. You will probably find section 2230 of particular interest.

I don’t know where you live or what your culture might be but it is certainly true that in come cultures it is normal that parents are very involved in their children’s choices of career and spouse. This can be particularly distressing to children when the family lives in an area where cultural norms are different.

In practice you will have to realize that so long as your parents are providing you a place to live and/or paying for your education you will be subject to their authority. (You really don’t become a “practical adult” until you are economically free of your parents.) Even if you pay rent and pay for your education you are still going to be subject to their rules so long as you live in the house they control. (The same would be true for a non-family member who was renting a room in your parents’ home.)

It’s simply the natural order of things that parents give advice to their children and expect to have their advice be respected. Your mother should respect your career and your choice for a spouse but they are not obligated to finance your college education and your search for a spouse. But the more responsible they see you act the more likely they will be to believe that your choices might be good ones even if they differ from what your parents would choose for you.

Thank you for your response! This is the entry you meant, right?

2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.

In my culture, I’m not free of my parents through economic self-sustainability even though I have a job, car and place to stay in; I even took care of my own college costs. The thing is, you’re only free once you marry. It’s true though when you say that the more responsible they perceive me to be, the more likely they will be to believe that my choices would be good.

 

[Rivii]

The shift from child to adult is a difficult transition for parents. There are so many dynamics that interfere with the change going smoothly. But, one key ingredient that can help is to work on communication skills. Your mother has to join in this also and that may not be easy for you. Try it out in small doses, pray for God to be in the middle of your conversations and for the Holy Spirit to help you with your thoughts and words. Next time you have an issue try saying this, Mom, I am not able to agree completely with that idea and I would really like to talk about it without arguing, could we try, please. When you talk stick to one issue, keep it brief without any type of emotion and use “I” messages. Over time you might find that this works, I have and it is worth the trouble.

Thank you for your response. True, communicative ability is a must for any relationship to thrive. Thanks also for the advice. Pray to God, be calm and stick to one issue. I will keep this mind. Thanks again!

 

[Rivii]

You might want to get the youth catechism Youcat. That might help you.

I will pray for you.

Thank you for your response, reference and prayer. I will pray for you too.

 

[Rivii]

“Like what I should major in, what school I go to and who I date and eventually marry?”

If you’re living under your mother’s roof and she’s supporting you, you’re going to have to pay a lot of attention to what she’s saying. At minimum, you should hear what she has to say and perhaps bring in more advice from experts or from research (and share it with her). For instance, let’s say your mom wants you to be a doctor. It would be a good idea for the two of you to talk to some doctors and see where they think medicine is going, long-term. (In the US, it might be the case that medicine is not going to be worth the cost of the schooling involved, particularly for family doctors.) In the US, law and MBAs are also looking iffy. There have been a lot of changes in the economy lately, and a lot of the rules that your mother knows may not currently apply. Do a lot of reading and share your results with your mom. Your local situation will be unique, but one of the rules is that it’s important to make sure that there’s a relationship between the cost of the education and the expected salary–you shouldn’t spend $80k in order to qualify as a social worker, for instance. Also, I would be very cautious about “hot” fields that everybody is rushing into, especially if you aren’t interested in the field. 1) There could soon be an oversupply of workers. 2) You would be upset if a) you weren’t interested in it and b) you couldn’t get a job in it.

I don’t know what country you’re living in and what the local economic situation is, but this is an important time in your life, and you should listen carefully to your mom, do a lot of research online and talk to a lot of people.

Thank you for your response. You have sound advice. Current trends may not be the same in the future. My mom, however, is pressuring me to become a doctor because of family legacy and her want for a doctor in the family. I’ve done as you’ve suggested. Still, she persists that I must be obedient. In my culture, economic self-sustainability doesn’t determine independence from family; it’s marriage. And I’m certainly too young and emotionally and financially unprepared for marriage. Does listening entail that I must comply?

 

[DarkLight]

“Like what I should major in, what school I go to and who I date and eventually marry?”

If you’re living under your mother’s roof and she’s supporting you, you’re going to have to pay a lot of attention to what she’s saying. At minimum, you should hear what she has to say and perhaps bring in more advice from experts or from research (and share it with her). For instance, let’s say your mom wants you to be a doctor. It would be a good idea for the two of you to talk to some doctors and see where they think medicine is going, long-term. (In the US, it might be the case that medicine is not going to be worth the cost of the schooling involved, particularly for family doctors.) In the US, law and MBAs are also looking iffy. There have been a lot of changes in the economy lately, and a lot of the rules that your mother knows may not currently apply. Do a lot of reading and share your results with your mom. Your local situation will be unique, but one of the rules is that it’s important to make sure that there’s a relationship between the cost of the education and the expected salary–you shouldn’t spend $80k in order to qualify as a social worker, for instance. Also, I would be very cautious about “hot” fields that everybody is rushing into, especially if you aren’t interested in the field. 1) There could soon be an oversupply of workers. 2) You would be upset if a) you weren’t interested in it and b) you couldn’t get a job in it.

I don’t know what country you’re living in and what the local economic situation is, but this is an important time in your life, and you should listen carefully to your mom, do a lot of research online and talk to a lot of people.

I’d add a caveat here that one has to consider costs and benefits other than just monetary. I took a course that is almost certainly not, economically, “worth” the money I paid into my education. Social work, for many people, is one of those disciplines - you get the degree because you want to do that sort of work, not necessarily because it’s profitable.

This goes for both sides of the equation. I turned down more prestigious undergraduate schools because the cost in competitiveness and stress wasn’t worth the benefit. It was almost certainly a poor choice from a purely monetary standpoint.

I’ve seen too many young adults go into a career because mom or dad think it would be financially good for them, despite having no interest in it. Almost all of them either switched their program or dropped out in short order.

 

[Rivii]

Ultimately, it should be up to you what you do. It’s your job to discern God’s will for you. I don’t know what culture you’re from though, and some parents want more of a say if they are paying. (For school that is.)

I don’t know what you should do, but if you can get your own place and gain some independence, that might be wise. It all depends on your circumstances.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

Thank you for your response. It’s true what you say that parents want more of a say if they are paying for my schooling. Well, I can say that I’m independent: I have a job, car and a place to stay in. I took care of my college costs so my parents don’t have to pay for anything. The thing is, what I’ve accomplished doesn’t guarantee my autonomy; in my culture, marriage guarantees autonomy from parents – something I’m not emotionally, financially and age-wise prepared for. Still, you’re right when it should be up to me what I should do. Any advice on how I can better communicate with my mom on our differing desires?

 

[Rivii]

The Church teaches that parents should NOT try to dictate their child’s career or spouse. They may offer advice, and children should certainly listen to their parent’s wisdom. But utlimately the choice of college major, job, and spouse are the child’s alone-- not the parents.

Thank you for your response. What happens though if I choose something my mom doesn’t want? She’s threatened to cut off all contact with me if I don’t adhere to her demands

 

[DarkLight]

Thank you for your response. What happens though if I choose something my mom doesn’t want? She’s threatened to cut off all contact with me if I don’t adhere to her demands

Count the cost. I have thought this often myself. How much of a cost would it be if she were to cut you off? How much of a cost would it be to give in? If you do, will she use the same threat next time? None of us can give you the full answer here, but these are what you need to consider.

 

[Rivii]

Count the cost. I have thought this often myself. How much of a cost would it be if she were to cut you off? How much of a cost would it be to give in? If you do, will she use the same threat next time? None of us can give you the full answer here, but these are what you need to consider.

Hmm I see… Like in economics, the opportunity cost. Thank you for your advice

 

[Rivii]

I’d add a caveat here that one has to consider costs and benefits other than just monetary. I took a course that is almost certainly not, economically, “worth” the money I paid into my education. Social work, for many people, is one of those disciplines - you get the degree because you want to do that sort of work, not necessarily because it’s profitable.

This goes for both sides of the equation. I turned down more prestigious undergraduate schools because the cost in competitiveness and stress wasn’t worth the benefit. It was almost certainly a poor choice from a purely monetary standpoint.

I’ve seen too many young adults go into a career because mom or dad think it would be financially good for them, despite having no interest in it. Almost all of them either switched their program or dropped out in short order.

Sorry, I saw your newer reply first. Thanks for your responses! It’s true, I read that the average number of times a student has shifted majors is 7 and the cause is usually unhappiness with the major (stemming from parental demand is one cause of the unhappiness too) Thanks for sharing your story and advice. God bless!

 

[1ke]

Thank you for your response. What happens though if I choose something my mom doesn’t want? She’s threatened to cut off all contact with me if I don’t adhere to her demands

Be prepared to go on your own. Lots of people do it. If you want to be an adult, you may have adult consequences.

In time, most parents who issue such crazy ultimatums come to their senses when they see that their child will not be cowed by it. I am sure there are those parents so prideful (or crazy) that they keep the rift in place permanently, but most come around and mend the fences.