Mother in law issues

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I don’t think she’s proven a significant mental illness. People don’t get placed in facilities against their will for depression. You’d be surprised how sick someone needs to be before a nursing home will actually take them.
 
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F_Marturana said:
I don’t think she’s proven a significant mental illness. People don’t get placed in facilities against their will for depression. You’d be surprised how sick someone needs to be before a nursing home will actually take them.
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I didn’t say that a nursing home must take her, however, she should be in the hands of a knowledgeable social worker who can glean far more details than we can know. This will directly affect what living standards can be provided. Further up the OP noted that the doctor has already said she should be in assisted living, so one can assume her mental and physical struggles are serious.
 
Have you taken this matter to God in prayer? Have you tried to discern what God’s will for you and your family is in this situation? I read a lot about what you want and what you’ve done, but shouldn’t it be about what God wants and what God has done for you? I’m not going to pretend to have the faintest idea what God wants for you and your family in this situation–that’s for you to discern through prayer and maybe with the help of a spiritual advisor. I’m just asking the question if you’ve even consulted God about this matter–if you have great, but if you haven’t I pray that you will consider doing so.

The peace of Christ,
Mark
 
Your first responsibility is your kids. You don’t need to meet with anyone to discuss MIL. She is a 59 year old woman and needs to live her life as she sees fit. Tell the rest of the siblings this isn’t you or your spouse 's business so you are staying out of it. Then do it.
 
With all due respect, nobody should expect that of their children.
 
well. one of his aunts just emailed (3 paragraphs) all four of them saying that his mom needs our help. she cannot live on her own. that they are killing her or something along those lines. that she cannot work because if she does, the money she is making monthly will be taken away from her. I am at my witts end. I do not have a good feeling about this. I am depressed and my anxiety is through the roof. my husband did mention that she will not be living with us under any circumstance. however, I just do not know.

his mom does not want to live with her siblings (his aunts and uncles). she only wants to live with her children.

help me please.
I am so upset by this and it is messing me up inside. I do not want to be like this. I want to be strong for my children. they can sense uneasiness, and this needs to stop.
 
I’m going to repeat what I said because you appear to have missed it
  1. You need to stop using emotional arguments. You work hard and want nice things. Fine. But she’s emotionally manipulative. She will always one up you. Always. adding This extends to people trying to use emotional arguments against you.
  2. Get your husband on board. Period. Do not go to any meeting until you are both of one mind. adding If he has stated his word, believe him.
  3. You’ve stated more than enough information to show that she is mentally ill. You need a 3rd party professional. You can’t provide enough lay support to help her. adding with the aunt’s email it seems that the crazy train runs in his family.
If this is causing you distress that you cannot handle, you may want to speak to a psycologist about a family Time-out, or even cutting off his mother (no speaking to her) entirely and permanently.

You CANNOT fix crazy.
 
For them to do it is one thing, but to expect it isn’t really what a loving parent would do, I only.
 
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Adam, it would be a nice thing, but it is impossible in this case. The OP has made it clear that this woman is very clearly abusive and has knowingly caused harm to the OP’s children. If you do not believe the consequences of 2nd hand smoke I can bring up articles for you.

Not only that, at 59, she is still quite young and should be physically capable, however, she is not because of mental illness. Even the doctor has recommended that she be cared for not by her family, but by professionals.

We are not called to let ourselves be abused, even by our parents.
 
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Again, you are assuming that the only way to “help” your parents is to let them move in with you. This mother-in-law is only 59, has lived with them before and caused issues while she was there, and has some kind of health issue which has caused her doctors to recommend assisted living. This is NOT a candidate for moving in with a family of two working adults and two small children.
 
hi all. I feel as if my husband is miserable. he does not seem himself and I feel like she is dragging him down emotionally. he is not doing as much as he used to around the house. it is hard to see and it just makes me want to cry. he never has a smile on his face. this is extremely horrible and his mom is like messing with everyones feelings. you know that saying, no one is happy unless mom is happy. well, this is apparent.

I married him because he is such a great man. he does want his mom to be happy but at the same time not living with us. it is very difficult to make her happy.

I am at lost of words. I am stuck and this is the only thing I am thinking about. my heart is speeding a lot and there are times when I cannot breathe because of the thought of her moving in. it is not going to happen, but just the thought of it is making me sick.
 
I have been around this in my own extended family and have some experience with those had means and those who didn’t. Some things I haven’t seen addressed fully here:

Is she indigent? The asset and income limits are ridiculously low and they do look back a few years to make sure assets aren’t simply dumped or transferred in order to get certified indigent.

Very little is said about the mother’s siblings: what willingness is there among them to assist in some way?

Very little is said about the mother’s health outside of her mental issues other than she drinks more alcohol than the OP likes and she smokes.

The quality of assisted living care varies quite strongly with the ability to pay for it. I’ve seen senior homes that were nothing more than squalid, horrible smelling dumps, and I’ve seen senior homes that were really really nice. And just about everything in between. I think this mother knows what she’s getting if she goes into a home now, hence her refusal to go into one, but at the same time she’s toxic enough to her children that no one wants any part of her. If she refuses to go to a home and everyone refuses to take her in, then what?

The OP doesn’t have to answer any questions above, they certainly intrude on the family’s privacy. But those answers will have to be part of any discussion.

No easy resolution to this, that is for sure. But it’s important for the OP to make sure her husband is clear and strong on taking his own family’s side.
 
longlostone, I need to be frank here. This is not your battle, this is your husbands. Your role is simply to support and encourage him to make the right decision for your family.

It seems that depressive behavior runs in his family. Drag him to a psychologist if you must.

You now must consider what is best for your children. Do you really want them to grow up in an environment where they see the example of their parent becoming depressed and withdrawing when life becomes difficult? These things will have a lasting impression on the behavior they find acceptable in their lives and marriages. Depression is a very real mental illness but it does not excuse one from day-to-day life. He needs to cut the apron strings. His happiness should not rely upon his mother’s–she’s clearly mentally ill. Giving her everything she wants will not make her happy. Does this, in turn, mean that he will never be happy?

Honestly, if my husband could not find it in himself to smile at his own children and refused to seek professional help, I’d spend a weekend away with my parents or a friend. Having an unhappy parent is extremely stressful to children and can even cause PSTD like symptoms in them.

You are called to help your spouse in better or worse, but you are also called to protect your children from harm–and this includes psychological damage. There is no doubt he is a good man–but he is not acting like one right now.
 
NiceIsAsNiceDoes said:
Your first responsibility is your kids. You don’t need to meet with anyone to discuss MIL. She is a 59 year old woman and needs to live her life as she sees fit. Tell the rest of the siblings this isn’t you or your spouse 's business so you are staying out of it. Then do it.
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So you think kids have no responsibility for their parents, when they age? Just put them on the street!

When you marry someone, you also join their family.
 
Theo520 said:
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NiceIsAsNiceDoes:
Your first responsibility is your kids. You don’t need to meet with anyone to discuss MIL. She is a 59 year old woman and needs to live her life as she sees fit. Tell the rest of the siblings this isn’t you or your spouse 's business so you are staying out of it. Then do it.
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So you think kids have no responsibility for their parents, when they age? Just put them on the street!

When you marry someone, you also join their family.
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There’s a hierarchy here. Children are called to do for their parents. However, children, whether they have their own children or not…are not called to be abused. That is not church teaching.

Now that the OP has children of her own, she’s called to protect them. That, indeed, trumps all God-given and man-made rules about caring for one’s parents. It’s a grave sin, and in the circumstances where you can make the determination that harm will come (in the OP’s case) I’d say darned near a mortal sin to allow your children to come to harm. Even if its granny.

The OP’s mother in law isn’t going out on the street unless she chooses to do so. There are social safety nets. However, the mother would rather have a nice abuse victim to lord over than live independently.

In this case (others WILL vary) it is reasonable that the OP and her husband cut off the mother for the sake of not being abused, and to protect their children from abuse. That is complete allowed within the Catholic Church.
 
Your posting indicated that their responsibility towards his mother was so distant that it could effectively be ignored. Since she married into his family, it’s now her problem as well.
 
Theo520 said:
Your posting indicated that their responsibility towards his mother was so distant that it could effectively be ignored. Since she married into his family, it’s now her problem as well.
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Her problem in that she has to deal with the emotional consequences of not being able to do for the mother? Yes.

Her problem in the sense she must allow herself to be abused? No.

The church does not call one to be abused. Period. It takes many years to get to know a person…she may not have understood how mentally unfit the mother was for years. Given that she’s already lived with her once, it’s very likely she had no clue as to the depts the mother treated people poorly.

Again. Nowhere in the Catholic Church does it say we must let an adult abuse us. Not even if we married them.
 
These relationships are no different than any other in life. We have a responsibility to evaluate our relationships and determine if they are healthy or not. Religion does not need to even factor into this. If a relationship is healthy, help out as best you can. If a relationship is unhealthy, preserve your own well-being and the well-being of your children so you can be the kind of person God intends you to be. It is mighty presumptuous for an parent to assume a child will take care of them in their older years.
 
Stop throwing in the ‘abuse’ word to bolster your argument. I read she was difficult to deal with, not abusive.

She has to actually deal with the MIL, not just her emotions about the MIL
 
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