Mother in law issues

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I’m not throwing around the word abuse. It is point blank, no more information needed, abuse to smoke in someone’s home–and continue to smoke–when you are told not to. Especially around small children. Second-hand smoke is incredibly dangerous and it gets into EVERYTHING. The OP’s MIL was causing her physical harm. That’s abusive.
 
You need to be on the same page with your husband before any meeting happens. It is okay if you are not willing to have your disagreeable mother in law living with you. However, your husband, and you by extension, have a responsibility to help her find the most comfortable living arrangement within her means, especially if she is disabled and can’t do this for herself.
 
Stop the hyperbole, maybe volunteer to work with actual victims of abuse so you can respect it’s meaning.

Myself, I started working with teen Foster kids, the ones whom they can’t place for various reasons. These kids have suffered actual abuse.
 
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Oh, you want to play that game. LOL.

You know what people who help others out of abusive situations? Help them identify what is abuse. Let’s try one scenario.

Person A asks person B for a favor/normal action
Person B asks person A not to do something damaging and harmful
Person A does it anyway, causing B harm
Person B is upset
Person A ignores B, ignores the danger and normalizes the behavior

Now, who does that sound like…oh, I don’t know. Maybe the OP.

Just because some people have it worse (and it is truly unfortunate that in your case it’s children) doesn’t mean that the OP is not suffering. How very dismissive of you. How very sad for the children whose lives and interactions that you deem “not abuse” due to your knowledge of “worse abuse”. How very sad.
 
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I’m not saying the MIL is a good person or suitable housemate, but what was described doesn’t find the normal definition of abuse - treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.

It usually included a difference in power that prevents one party from stopping it.

When you have the power to stop it and allow it to continue, that’s more like S&M 😉
 
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It is repulsive to suggest that what the OP is facing is “like S&M”

She DID have little power to stop it. The MIL, being the elder DID have a power difference. And it is cruelty to forcibly subject someone to the vulgarities of indoor smoking.

Is it the worst abuse? No. But it still qualifies.
 
Theo520 said:
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Xanthippe_Voorhees:
It is repulsive to suggest that what the OP is facing is “like S&M”
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That’s all in your own head.
She made it clear she’s not going to put up with it
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She has, and she should be supported. You’re the one suggesting that the OP’s actions are that, not the OP or I.
 
Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
She has, and she should be supported. You’re the one suggesting that the OP’s actions are that, not the OP or I.
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Nope, I was talking with you about the definition of abuse, and when it was appropriate. Thought it appropriate to also say that when an adult doesn’t resist being around harmful behavior, they also bear some responsibility.
 
Theo520 said:
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Xanthippe_Voorhees:
She has, and she should be supported. You’re the one suggesting that the OP’s actions are that, not the OP or I.
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Nope, I was talking with you about the definition of abuse, and when it was appropriate. Thought it appropriate to also say that when an adult doesn’t resist being around harmful behavior, they also bear some responsibility.
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It doesn’t sound like the OP was given much of a choice to have her MIL forced on her.

But you take your view, and I’ll take mine.
 
we decided to have the meeting early and it is worse than I thought. apparently the mother had issues with employment. she apparently got fired for stealing. she never tried to find another job. she does not want to use the money she makes monthly for any type of payment for rent. she wants to live rent free. she is currently living rent free, but that relative will be selling her place to move into a smaller place. we decided that two of her children will take her to social services to find a place for her to live. we all agree that she cannot live with us. she does not have any illness, she is just a grumpy individual. I thought maybe she was sick, but just mentally, which is an illness, but she does not have anything like cancer.

two of her children think she is addicted to pain killers and is getting them somewhere. the relative she is living with says she is on her phone all day. she does not text any of her children. she does text her siblings, but not constantly. one of her children had her over for a week and it was so bad that her husband lost respect for her. the mother left her pills in a place where her children (under the age of 5) could get to (on the table).

her siblings do not want to take her in because she is not pleasant. she smoked in their house when she was staying there too - and rent free. they are upset because they have worked (and are retired) and want to live a peaceful life.

this is a mess and I was not aware of any of this. apparently, his mother and father did drugs in the past when they were children. they would disappear for the whole day and leave the children alone by themselves. this just breaks my heart and I do not want his mom near my babies. they are my babies and I need to do what I need to do to protect them.

edit:: I just want to add that I know my husband is in pain because of this. sure, he wants to make his mom happy, but not at the expense of our babies. I do not know what to do to make him happy. now that a little more truth, openings came out from this meaning - I do not know how to approach it. surely, he definitely is not like his parents. he has never done drugs (most thanks to the military). he still would like his mom to watch our babies when they are at the point where we can go out and go to dinner. but I do not feel safe anymore. I just cannot do it. I just simply… cannot. case in point.
 
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Does she have a power difference? How can that be if she is also mentally and physically ill?
 
If she’s an addict, then get her into a drug addiction program.

How is anything else going to be feasible if she’s addicted to narcotics.
 
her children want her to go to a center and get checked in. but they said she has to make the decision to do so. that they cannot take her there against her will. not sure if that is true or not.

the reason why she stayed with us in the past was because my husband felt bad for her. he loves his mother and wants the best thing because he feels like it is his responsibility. but it really is not. she is young in my opinion and her reckless behavior cannot be fixed unless she decides to fix it.

for example. she is not eating… like ANYTHING. her sister would make her meals… she would not eat them at all! if someone makes you food and you do not eat, not our fault. I would love if someone would personally make me food.

I forgot to mention that her husband died of a heart attacked related to drug use. so he died at a young age (40s). she should have got a job to support children. but she was flaky of course and nothing come of it. she just wants to be kept and not pay for anything. she asked her relative to buy her car because she needs a new one. I cannot make this stuff up.
 
longlostone said:
we decided to have the meeting early and it is worse than I thought. apparently the mother had issues with employment. she apparently got fired for stealing. she never tried to find another job. she does not want to use the money she makes monthly for any type of payment for rent. she wants to live rent free. she is currently living rent free, but that relative will be selling her place to move into a smaller place. we decided that two of her children will take her to social services to find a place for her to live. we all agree that she cannot live with us. she does not have any illness, she is just a grumpy individual. I thought maybe she was sick, but just mentally, which is an illness, but she does not have anything like cancer.
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Good. Stick to your guns.
longlostone said:
two of her children think she is addicted to pain killers and is getting them somewhere. the relative she is living with says she is on her phone all day. she does not text any of her children. she does text her siblings, but not constantly. one of her children had her over for a week and it was so bad that her husband lost respect for her. the mother left her pills in a place where her children (under the age of 5) could get to (on the table).
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Endangering the lives of children should NOT be taken lightly.
longlostone said:
this is a mess and I was not aware of any of this. apparently, his mother and father did drugs in the past when they were children. they would disappear for the whole day and leave the children alone by themselves. this just breaks my heart and I do not want his mom near my babies. they are my babies and I need to do what I need to do to protect them.
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While some posters on here seem to be dead-set against applying the word abusive–this is illegal and neglectful. Your husband is more than likely to have deep childhood trauma from this. Not only was he left alone, but children in such a vulnerable state are more likely to face outside abuse. Where does he fall in his sibiling group? Was he one taken care of or did he bear the burdan of watching his sibilings? Please, please sit down with him and convince him to begin councelling. These sorts of traumas WILL impact his parenting, weither he acknowleges it or not.
longlostone said:
edit:: I just want to add that I know my husband is in pain because of this.

–

he still would like his mom to watch our babies when they are at the point where we can go out and go to dinner. but I do not feel safe anymore.
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Sit down with him face to face and discuss professional help. That he would put your children in danger is frightening. Opioids can kill toddlers extremely quickly.
 
The fact that she left pain killers out in the open when there were children around would be a deal breaker for me. You have two young children. She is not even suitable as a babysitter, let alone a live-in guest.
 
I did not even think of counseling for my husband. That would probably be the best idea actually. He does not really read to our babies, but I guess because they are still young and such. Maybe he will play with them when they are more mobile and can sit down for a bit.

He is the oldest in his family so I think that is why he feels like he needs to be the one in charge. He really did not talk to me after the meeting yesterday so I really do not know how he feels. He did speak up a little bit yesterday which I was suprised because he holds to himself.
 
Exactly, my point. I do not really want her near our babies anymore. I feel horrible for saying that - but it is for their own good. I am responsible for anything that happens to them. Prevention is key.
 
longlostone said:
I did not even think of counseling for my husband. That would probably be the best idea actually. He does not really read to our babies, but I guess because they are still young and such. Maybe he will play with them when they are more mobile and can sit down for a bit.

He is the oldest in his family so I think that is why he feels like he needs to be the one in charge. He really did not talk to me after the meeting yesterday so I really do not know how he feels. He did speak up a little bit yesterday which I was suprised because he holds to himself.
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I am not sure what reading has to do with it, but my husband was involved from day 1 with our child in a very real way. By a year old, our little one had gotten the “400 book” sticker for 1,000 books to K that our library offered. Granted, she LOVES sitting for little board books, so it’s easy for her, but it didn’t change the fact that my husband was appropriately hands on.

I can see now why he might withdraw from family duties when stressed. This is what is called a “trauma response”. When he was young he had no choice but to grow up way too fast and to not care for himself but to get in there and keep his sibilings alive. Now, being stressed causes him to regress to a small child–in which he trusts you to care for him and your children. It is extremely common and can only be addressed in therepy.
 
I would encourage you to urge your husband to go to counseling. He wants his mother to be happy, but she seems determined to go her own way, and live off of others. He cannot make her happy. and should not allow this to affect his own happiness or his family life. His first responsibility is to his own family.

If I were you I would pull back from your MIL’s problems, and focus on your family. I hope your husband will consider counseling, it could be very helpful.

I’m 73, and would like to know when my kids will start supporting me. Ain’t gonna happen, until I can no longer manage my own affairs.
This women needs to take care of herself, not rely on others for making her comfortable.
God bless.
 
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