Mother in law issues

[longlostone]

counseling

what type of counselor would I be looking for? also, how do I tell him I want him to be seen? I caught him looking at porn a few days ago. this is an ongoing issue with him. he said he does it to relax. I told him he needs to talk to someone. so not sure if that would be the same counselor. it is clear that his family has an addiction problem so there is no doubt this will come up again. it is very frustrating. you try to do the best but it really is not the best after-all.

my mom is much older than his mom and she is working. she will be retiring soon but she does not expect any of us to take care of her. however, since she is totally opposite of my mother in law, sweet-caring-amazing-sacrifices everything to us- I will be taking care of her when the time comes. I know it will look bad but she is my mother. and she is not a nut-case.

 

[longlostone]

I have asked him to read plenty of times and he just does not want to. I have no idea why. it does not make any sense to me. it does upset me because reading is essential. I want our children to be interested in reading. if I just read to them and he does not, it does not look that good. he needs to show interest because children look up to their parents. yes, my children still like looking at books but it would be nice for him to read. our state has the same program. sadly, we are not up to 400 yet, but we are getting there.

he just does not seem engaged like my siblings with their children. I am used to being involved with everyone so he is not very sociable I guess is what I am trying to say. he just would sit around and make noises and that is it. he is slowly beginning to talk to them (now that they somewhat can talk) but other then that - nothing really.

 

[JetteZ]

how do I tell him I want him to be seen?

You sit him down, knee to knee, and tell him that you are worried about him. That you love him but that what he is experiencing isn’t healthy or normal and that you want him to seek counseling in order to figure out healthy options to dealing with stress/anxiety/etc.

It’s unlikely that him looking at pornography is at the level of sexual addiction. Hurtful to you and him, yes; but, he likely is telling the truth that he does so to relieve stress. Him finding better ways to deal with his anxiety will give him the strength (if he so chooses) to end the porn.

Disengaging from your family and children (as mentioned above) is pretty typical of anxiety and depression.

 

[LoveTLM]

I don’t have much experience with this but have heard of “leave and cleave” marriage counselors. When looking for a counselor, you can ask them questions up front to make sure they’re the right match for you and your husband. One thing you can ask is what they think of “leave and cleave” to make sure that they actually hold the same value that husbands need to put their wife and children first before other family members.

Another option I’ve heard does well in these situations is finding a counselor who specializes in addictions. In your husband’s case this may be the best option for individual therapy for him - the counselor will recognize the addiction behaviors of the mother as well as in your husband since you indicate that he regularly looks at porn. The counselor will then be able to address these issues with him from the perspective of how toxic addictions can be, both on his part and his mother’s.

I’d just like you to consider a few other things based on what you’ve told us here. These are just questions for you to think about and not to tell us strangers on the web. How strong is your marriage bond? Do you and your husband get much alone time? Do you give yourselves to each other regularly through the marital act? When you speak to each other, does either of you nag? What is your (both) tone when discussing difficult things? Although the issues with his family are really things he needs to handle with your support, if your marital relationship isn’t at its strongest all other relationships around you are more difficult. When your relationship is at its best, all other relationships will fall into place in their right order and both you and your husband will have an easier time handling what difficulties may come.