Mother-in-law problems

[jmj777]

I would return it back through e-mail and I would write, I got this by mistake.Now she can handle it anyway she wants. if she does not reply back to aplogise, or call- drop it, and she knows you know.

if she does call- don’t go into a big discussion, just say thank you for apologising and I would drop it then too. .

You should feel blessed that she gave you a hint to her character. It is her problem not yours, so don’t get entangled by a big reaction from you. Your husband comes first, so keep the peace and stay out of the drama she is creatiing.

But next time, she will not write about you and will be careful. You are asserting yourself this way. Not confronting. If she confronts, you do not have to participate. Just say thank you for the apology.

I totally agree with this one. Forwarding her the message would speak volumes!

Unfortunately, be careful how much you reveal to a MIL who wants to be “your friend” because she will usually be seeing your conversation through her son’s eyes. Not yours.

Peace.
+JMJ+

 

[Ms_Manners]

I didn’t finish reading the e-mail, as I figured out at that point that it was clearly not written to me.

I must say I really admire you for this.
I am not sure I could resist the temptation to read all of it.

Like others have said, I’d probably send it back to her and let her know that I know.

Other than that…
This may sound weird, but actually I really don’t care what someone thinks of me as long as they are treating me with a minimum of respect. Everyone can think whatever they want and vent about it to friends, as long as I don’t have to listen to it, I’m good.
I don’t love it, but I can’t help it, so I don’t let it get to me.
If she’s not trying to influence your husband and acts appropriately around your kids when they come, maybe the problem isn’t all that bad. Of course no one likes the knowledge that someone else, especially close to them, dislikes them, but try not to take it too seriously.
All you need to do is maybe put less trust in that person.

 

[Lorelei12]

I think that, if I were in your situation, I would show my husband what she wrote and talk with him about how he thinks the two of you should handle it. He knows his mother better than you do, and whether saying something would make any difference or not. If someone does say something, I think it should be him who brings it up to her, if only to remind her that only recently she was pushing him to get married and let her know the two of you are confused about where you really stand with her. He should tell her that he expects her to respect you, always, and that includes not badmouthing you to others.

I went back to your other thread for some context, and keep in mind that she is probably still a bit taken aback by the whole thing. It sounds like the two of you were only serious for a short time before you became pregnant, and to a mom who hoped her son would grow up and marry within the Catholic church, then have babies, she’s probably disappointed that things didn’t turn out that way. And it’s okay for her to feel that way. It is not okay, however, for her to gossip about you to other people and call you a bad mother. It sounds like she is not someone who is genuine or can be trusted, and that’s a shame because she has a grandchild on the way. However she feels about you and your husband’s relationship, you deserve her respect and your husband should demand it from her.

 

[Demetra2]

I would return it back through e-mail and I would write, I got this by mistake.Now she can handle it anyway she wants. if she does not reply back to aplogise, or call- drop it, and she knows you know.

if she does call- don’t go into a big discussion, just say thank you for apologising and I would drop it then too. .

You should feel blessed that she gave you a hint to her character. It is her problem not yours, so don’t get entangled by a big reaction from you. Your husband comes first, so keep the peace and stay out of the drama she is creatiing.

But next time, she will not write about you and will be careful. You are asserting yourself this way. Not confronting. If she confronts, you do not have to participate. Just say thank you for the apology.

This seems like a very good solution if you can be very chill concerning your reply. Don’t get angry. Your MIL will get the message. And yes, it is a blessing in disguise because you have some info concerning how your MIL operates.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

BEL,

And how does that make anything better?

The OP’s MIL is entitled to her feelings and her concerns and she is allowed to confide in a friend or a sister. (Let she who has never told a in-law story to a friend throw the first stone.) I think there’s a big difference between a private email and, for instance, ranting to the OP’s husband about what a bad mother the OP is or posting unfortunate Facebook updates. I personally have sent plenty of emails that I would prefer that my in-laws not see, and for all I know, they’ve done the same. (One of my in-laws has to have doors shut juuuust so and he has many other peculiarities that if I didn’t share with somebody other than my husband, I’d probably burst.)

Knowing what she knows, the OP is not going to want to be best buddies with her MIL, and they can spend as much or as little time with the in-laws as they choose to. The in-law relationship is one that often develops very slowly. When I met my in-laws, it was a total disaster. We had about an hour to talk, and I made a terrible impression 1) because I was nervous and trying too hard and 2) because my in-laws were not disposed to like me. They then gave my husband a long post-mortem of the meeting, which made me sound like Cruella De Ville’s less nice younger sister. It was very upsetting and I cried a lot. Also, there were disagreements over wedding timing. My husband and I got married rather more quickly than his parents wanted us to and there was a long chilly spell afterward. MIL warmed up pretty fast (being a more pragmatic person), but FIL literally didn’t speak to either of us for years (beyond the most necessary communications). That’s the bad news. The good news is that about 10 years and two kids later (after years of basic civility on my part), FIL finally started speaking to my husband again and even started to thaw a bit toward me when we were expecting our third child and I was having a lot of complications. That was after we’d been married 14 years.

So, all in all, I am a believer in keeping up a basic relationship and not having any huge scenes, but also not having more contact than is comfortable. What’s the OP’s MIL going to say? “I’m never going to complain about you again?” That’s just not a reasonable expectation.

There’s a world of difference between complaining about someone who bothers you, and telling people that you feel sorry for your unborn grandchild because your new DIL is going to be a bad mom. Sure, everyone complains. It isn’t always nice, and I think that people should try to do it a lot less, but everyone does it. Not everyone crosses the kind of line that this woman did.

I evaluated this first from the perspective of what I would do if my mother said those things about my husband. It was pretty cut and dry for me that if she started telling her friends or other family members that I shouldn’t have married my husband and that he will make a bad father, I would have to stand up for him. I would have to confront her and say something, and there is no way that I could allow her to have the kind of relationship with my child that she would want to have if she is so against my child’s father. After that, I thought about what my husband would do if his mom said those things. It’s the same story.

When you’re married, you stand up for your spouse. Especially when children are involved.

 

[Cricket2]

There’s a world of difference between complaining about someone who bothers you, and telling people that you feel sorry for your unborn grandchild because your new DIL is going to be a bad mom. Sure, everyone complains. It isn’t always nice, and I think that people should try to do it a lot less, but everyone does it. Not everyone crosses the kind of line that this woman did.

I evaluated this first from the perspective of what I would do if my mother said those things about my husband. It was pretty cut and dry for me that if she started telling her friends or other family members that I shouldn’t have married my husband and that he will make a bad father, I would have to stand up for him. I would have to confront her and say something, and there is no way that I could allow her to have the kind of relationship with my child that she would want to have if she is so against my child’s father. After that, I thought about what my husband would do if his mom said those things. It’s the same story.

When you’re married, you stand up for your spouse. Especially when children are involved.

You are right. When a couple gets married they both need to remember they are married to each other, not their respective in-laws or own parents. And when children are concerned it is up to the couple to raise them and come to mutual agreement as how that will be done. It is not up to others.

If abuse is suspected then others have an obligation to report it. But know one has the right to imply that someone else is going to be a bad parent, especially to others and when the child is not even born. That kind of thing can ruin a persons reputation and is uncalled for.

 

[alphawoman]

In a perverse way, it’s good that you know before your child is born that your MIL is not trustworthy. Now you’ll avoid her potentially bad mouthing you to your child, undermining your confidence, of questioning your parenting.

I agree with Blue Eyed Lady that a confrontation is required, ideally led by your husband and with you present. Transparency is the operative word. She needs to understand that a good relationship cannot be based on lies and deception, and that she has seriously undermined your ability to be welcomed into your husband’s family.

Your MIL also needs to step up and prove that she is committed to the well-being of the family by making full amends. Your child has the right to a good and loving relationship with all grandparents, and she is abdicating her responsibility to her grandchild by harming her relationship with you. If she is at all hostile, I think a cooling off period may be required for her to reevaluate her priorities. Leave the ball in her court, but be prepared to create some distance to protect your new family if she can’t be respectful. You also have a responsibility to your child to raise him/her in an environment that is supportive of and promotes respect of his/her parents.

If my mother did this to my husband, I would be on her like white on rice.

 

[Cricket2]

In a perverse way, it’s good that you know before your child is born that your MIL is not trustworthy. Now you’ll avoid her potentially bad mouthing you to your child, undermining your confidence, of questioning your parenting.

I agree with Blue Eyed Lady that a confrontation is required, ideally led by your husband and with you present. Transparency is the operative word. She needs to understand that a good relationship cannot be based on lies and deception, and that she has seriously undermined your ability to be welcomed into your husband’s family.

Your MIL also needs to step up and prove that she is committed to the well-being of the family by making full amends. Your child has the right to a good and loving relationship with all grandparents, and she is abdicating her responsibility to her grandchild by harming her relationship with you. If she is at all hostile, I think a cooling off period may be required for her to reevaluate her priorities. Leave the ball in her court, but be prepared to create some distance to protect your new family if she can’t be respectful. You also have a responsibility to your child to raise him/her in an environment that is supportive of and promotes respect of his/her parents.

If my mother did this to my husband, I would be on her like white on rice.

Well said. Right there with you.

 

[heidi_storage]

I’m a little surprised by all of the “ignore this” responses. This issue is not going to go away, and Gullveig is not going to be able to put this out of her mind. Also, this is obvously not a one-time occurrence, since the mother-in-law didn’t like the whole situation to begin with. I agree that a serious–but let’s hope, respectful–talk is needed with the mother-in-law, with Gullveig’s husband present and supporting her.

 

[Noradthree]

Speaking from experience, this is how my relationship started off with my mother-in-law, and it never helped to sweep things under the rug.

I used to let it slide, which just gave her permission to continue talking about me/my family, and in turn my not wanting to confront (that doesn’t mean you have to yell or be rude) the problem kept me from wanting to get close to her- I have always kept her at an arms distance from the moment I found out that she talked about me rather than to me. At first I did it because I was hurt; over time my decision hasn’t changed simply because “you can’t miss what you didn’t have” and I was never close with her anyway; I also realized over time that I don’t want to be part of gossip, and being close to her would open me up to (1) hearing about other people in a way I don’t want to, and (2) it could potentially give her more fuel for her to gossip about me/my family to other people even more- who wants that?

If I could do it over again, I would stop her from the get-go and address the problems she aired to other people about me, my husband marrying me, and our children- and she has said and done some pretty hurtful things in the past directed at me. I am fine with my relationship with her now because I’ve stood up for myself and have re-grown my backbone, but I regret not sticking up for myself in the beginning- and essentially my family, and in a way giving her the “OK” to keep up her behavior for a very long time. No, I cannot control her, but I could have, with my husband, stood strong and been a ‘united front’ to let her know that I wasn’t a push over and her behavior wasn’t OK, and I would have saved myself a lot of time spent worrying about what was wrong with me, when the problem was all about her.

Talking to your mother-in-law doesn’t have to be a hearted discussion, you could say just what you think- that the email was meant for someone else and if she is concerned then she can talk to you directly about it. At least if she continues talking about you, you can be sure she will get the email address right next time and hopefully not bring any drama to you. It’s tough wanting to bond with a mother-in-law when she’s not exactly opening her arms the same way you might want her to. Good luck.

 

[shainski]

I would simply reply to the email with a

“I’m trying to understand what you meant by sending me this email”

Don’t say that you think it was sent to you by mistake. Let her explain it to you. Maybe she won’t care. Maybe she’ll trip over herself apologizing. Maybe she’ll come up with some half-hearted explanation. Maybe she’ll ignore it. (Sure, cc your husband, so he is aware - or bcc him if you don’t want it public)

But, in any case, she will have to deal with it to herself.

If she tries to apologize - accept it. If she tells you that she doesn’t think you’re ready to be a mother yet - ask her for advice. (whether you take the advice or not, it flatters her that you asked).

Don’t cut her out of the picture yet. Many in-law relationships start out kind of rocky - and improve. But don’t ignore it. make her do something to deal with it.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I would simply reply to the email with a

“I’m trying to understand what you meant by sending me this email”

Don’t say that you think it was sent to you by mistake. Let her explain it to you. Maybe she won’t care. Maybe she’ll trip over herself apologizing. Maybe she’ll come up with some half-hearted explanation. Maybe she’ll ignore it. (Sure, cc your husband, so he is aware - or bcc him if you don’t want it public)

But, in any case, she will have to deal with it to herself.

If she tries to apologize - accept it. If she tells you that she doesn’t think you’re ready to be a mother yet - ask her for advice. (whether you take the advice or not, it flatters her that you asked).

Don’t cut her out of the picture yet. Many in-law relationships start out kind of rocky - and improve. But don’t ignore it. make her do something to deal with it.

Wait, why should the OP be asking for her MIL’s advice to flatter her if she tells the OP that she isn’t ready to be a mom? Why does the OP need to suck up and seek her approval? Why shouldn’t she talk to her husband first instead of just CCing him? Why shouldn’t he stand up for his wife? Why should a pregnant woman have to take this abuse, and then suck up to her abuser?

She deserves to be treated with respect. She is the child’s mother, and grandma needs to respect that, not the other way around.

 

[shainski]

Wait, why should the OP be asking for her MIL’s advice to flatter her if she tells the OP that she isn’t ready to be a mom? Why does the OP need to suck up and seek her approval? Why shouldn’t she talk to her husband first instead of just CCing him? Why shouldn’t he stand up for his wife? Why should a pregnant woman have to take this abuse, and then suck up to her abuser?

She deserves to be treated with respect. She is the child’s mother, and grandma needs to respect that, not the other way around.

What I find in my life is that you can often disarm someone with a little flattery. You don’t even have to take any advice to heart.

Like it or not - developing a relationship with one’s in-laws can make one’s life a lot easier.

In this case - her MIL implied that she is not ready to be a mother. Why? we don’t really know why - but OP alluded that she has her own fears about. (Truthfully, I suppose most of us have felt that we weren’t ready to be parents - and probably it is a better parent that is introspective enough to question how fit they are that makes someone better than someone who doesn’t feel this way - but’s that another topic).

But why does MIL feel this way? If you are able to ask her nicely why she feels this way - she will either decide that she’s been unfair. She may remember her own struggles with her first child and her own MIL. (I don’t know). So, when you ask her for her advice - she may have none - but you have humanized the relationship to some degree. She may feel that no one could possible be good enough for her dear son.

So now she may feel included in this. Maybe her opinion matters.

Anyway - you treat others differently than I do - that’s fine. Your style is different than mine. You see it as sucking up to her MIL. I see it as extending an olive branch. And i think that she should cc her husband more as an indication to her MIL that her son is aware of the situation, but also that her husband is aware of the interchange in case he he needs to intercede with his mother.

Usually, I think that the spouse should interact with his/her own family because they are less likely to hold it against their own family member. Sometimes a family member will act in a way that undermines a spouse when the spouse and IL are alone, but act perfectly innocently when their son/daughter is around. (So son/daughter thinks that their spouse is overreacting).

In this case, there is a written email that proves the backstabbing that is going on. I think that gives OP a lot of leverage on how to handle it. To handle it gracefully may accomplish a lot.

But that is only my opinion.

 

[UbiCaritas]

OP, I have a slightly different perspective on this situation, so bear with me.

Is it possible that your MIL is passive-aggressive enough to have sent you this email intentionally? I.e., as it is now, she can claim it was an innocent (if totally inappropriate) mistake, but if she had sent it intentionally in order to say something hurtful to you, then she did exactly what she intended.

I ask this because my mother, who is a very toxic person, used to do this. She’d send me a really nasty, hurtful email that wasn’t addressed to me, and then claim it was all an innocent mistake because the email was meant for someone else. Never mind that its contents were nasty and hurtful–I was being “oversensitive” and was “overreacting” by objecting to receiving them, because it was all an innocent mistake!

Mind you, I might have believed this the first time, but after the third time the same thing happened I found myself rather less likely to believe that it was an innocent mistake. Also, these “mistakes” mysteriously stopped occurring after I told her that one more email like that would have all communication from her email address routed to my spam folder.

Of course, it might have been a mistake, if a really unpleasant one, but I thought the idea should be tossed out there.

 

[amrin]

Hi,

Something similar happened within my family in a time where there were no emails… It made the family drift apart. People talking in other people’s back, eventually it will be known, and I advise you to take care of it now, before it is too late.

On another note, congratulations, and don’t be too nervous about being a good mom, the instinct will kick in and moms always know best

 

[Cricket2]

Speaking from experience, this is how my relationship started off with my mother-in-law, and it never helped to sweep things under the rug.

I used to let it slide, which just gave her permission to continue talking about me/my family, and in turn my not wanting to confront (that doesn’t mean you have to yell or be rude) the problem kept me from wanting to get close to her- I have always kept her at an arms distance from the moment I found out that she talked about me rather than to me. At first I did it because I was hurt; over time my decision hasn’t changed simply because “you can’t miss what you didn’t have” and I was never close with her anyway; I also realized over time that I don’t want to be part of gossip, and being close to her would open me up to (1) hearing about other people in a way I don’t want to, and (2) it could potentially give her more fuel for her to gossip about me/my family to other people even more- who wants that?

If I could do it over again, I would stop her from the get-go and address the problems she aired to other people about me, my husband marrying me, and our children- and she has said and done some pretty hurtful things in the past directed at me. I am fine with my relationship with her now because I’ve stood up for myself and have re-grown my backbone, but I regret not sticking up for myself in the beginning- and essentially my family, and in a way giving her the “OK” to keep up her behavior for a very long time. No, I cannot control her, but I could have, with my husband, stood strong and been a ‘united front’ to let her know that I wasn’t a push over and her behavior wasn’t OK, and I would have saved myself a lot of time spent worrying about what was wrong with me, when the problem was all about her.

Talking to your mother-in-law doesn’t have to be a hearted discussion, you could say just what you think- that the email was meant for someone else and if she is concerned then she can talk to you directly about it. At least if she continues talking about you, you can be sure she will get the email address right next time and hopefully not bring any drama to you. It’s tough wanting to bond with a mother-in-law when she’s not exactly opening her arms the same way you might want her to. Good luck.

You are so right. My mother, and her two sister-in-laws, (all shared the same MIL) suffered terribly due to MIL issues. My mom eventually learned to stand her ground and set some rules down. But it cost a lot of people a lot of misery over the years before she did.

 

[Gullveig]

So, I talked to my husband about it to see what he thought would be the best way to approach it given the way his parents work. I’ve been reluctant to respond in any way, because I’ve always felt that people have a right to their feelings and if this is how my MIL feels then, well, whatever. But, my husband said that, knowing his mom, he wasn’t entirely convinced it was an accident and that if we let her get away with it she would be a lot pushier in the future, which resulted in a very awkward phone conversation with his mother where she basically said she was sorry for mis-sending the e-mail and that I took it “that way” and so on and didn’t actually listen to a word we said. >.<

Interestingly, though, my father-in-law called the next day to apologize on her behalf and say that he had talked to her and that he hoped we could all just put it behind us and start over.
So, hopefully, that’s dealt with for now, although I foresee another argument about the baby names and about whether my MIL can come down and stay for a month or so around the birth date to “help” in the near future, which she wants to do.

 

[Pax2u]

Yikes!!! A month??? Say no no no!!!

Saying a prayer for you and hubby.

 

[Lorelei12]

The good thing is, it sounds like your husband is willing to stand up to his mother when she is rude or unreasonable. This is really invaluable.

Baby names? I would not tell anyone what you are discussing or have decided on, until it’s a sure thing. And even then, I would make sure she knew it was not up for discussion. Grandparents do not get to name their grandchildren, parents do.

And…a month?! I hope your husband squashed that idea as soon as it came up. A month is a really long time even for someone who is respectful and polite to stay with you!

 

[kbachler]

Good rule to follow #1:

Problems with HIS parents should be addressed by him, problems with HER parents should be addressed by HER.

Hubby should express to his mom that he and you are a family now. These are things for the two of you to worry about. Set boundaries. Let her know that two of you love her. Let her know that the email was hurtful to you. Set clear expectations. Then let it go unless the boundaries are broken.

Always treat her well so that she knows you harbor no ill will. Invite her in, welcome her, etc.