Mother is picking my career for me, what do I do?

[Truth_Faith13]

I am 17 and a girl and my mom is making me become a doctor. Right now I am really depressed, but, she is still unrelenting. My older brother became a police officer and he is in his early thirties with a wife and a son and they still live in an apartment. My mom, therefore, wants me to go into medicine so that I can find a job early on and pay off any loans and own a home. She says she will pay for a four-year college, but, I have to go to graduate school on my own money which she says I will not have if I pick a lousy major. And if I need any money beyond college, she will not give me a cent because it will be all my fault.

Now, I am not sure exactly what I want to do, definitely something in biology. But mom sees anything other than medicine or pharmacy as a sure road to poverty. Well, maybe if I had a choice, I would be looking into medicine. But now my life feels pretty much planned for me and I have been crying many nights over it. I could be well paid, no loans, big house but absolutely miserable but Mom would be happy because I am not what she defines as poor.

Dad is really sympathetic towards me and tells me to do what I love, not to worry, and, if anything happens, he will take care of it. But, I feel as though Mom is looming over me like some specter and it would kill me to see her upset. I asked her if I could do something along the lines of biology or research and she looked unhappy. I asked her if she was upset and she said, “no, do whatever you want; both of my children will just be poor.” I told her that I might hate my job if I become a doctor. She just replied that she hates her job too.

Now, I am really upset because Dad is 68 and Mom is 55 so he will probably die first and leave me alone up against Mom. The depression has gotten to the point that it is interfering with my schoolwork and I was sent to my high school counselor and I told her about my situation. She wanted to have a meeting with my parents and I told her just my father. So she only spoke with my father and I hoped Mom would never find out about this meeting. Dad apparently talked to her about this and she told me to never talk about family affairs in school. I told her that it was just the counselor, nobody else. But she said that I was making our family look like bad people to the school.

Now I do not no what to do. I do not have any friends so I do not know who to talk to. I even feel guilty about asking for help online even though Mom does not know. If anyone has been in a similar situation as this, please, I would love some advice. Prayers also welcome to. And sorry for the long post. Thanks.

OK firstly you are not depressed, you are going through a stressful situation and are young and not sure how to handle it. But you are not depressed, that is a clinical condition and you would be far worse off if you were. Everyone goes through stressful times once in a while, it might not seem like it at the moment, but it will work out in the end

Secondly, don’t worry about the death of your parents, they themselves are both young and assuming nothing drastic happens from now until their old age…you will be well into your adulthood, married with kids and maybe even grand kids before your parents go anywhere.

Your mum sounds like she is trying to live her life through you a little. As an adult, it is upto you to choose what you want to do. No one can make your decision for you. No you don’t have to be unhappy in a job, your mum sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder, is miserable in her job, so wants everyone else to be miserable. Work had in school and get good grades for YOU so you can live the life YOU want to live. Have you looked into getting a part time job? I don’t agree with a previous poster of your mum having control over your choice because she is paying…unfortunately many parents do this as a control tactic…I’ll pay but you must do X…this is wrong in the parents part. If they want to pay, fine, but it should be to support you in YOUR journey not theirs. Be polite but firm and say no thank you, I’ll pay myself or I’ll be fine on my own.

As an example, my mum has never accepted money off me to help pay for bills even though it’s been offered countless times. I find other ways and treat her on breaks etc but sometimes when we would argue…she would throw the “your living here for free” at me. So I used to calmly say I’ve offered you money, you’ve refused, but if it’s a problem, I’ll leave…her attitude soon changed. The lesson here is to learn how to be independent, self reliant, motivated and to live a good life for you. Do that and no one will be able to control you.

If you are the type of character who likes to be handed things on a plate, then sorry, your mum will always have the control. I don’t agree with what your mum is doing, but you can turn this around to be a positive for you, stand on your own two feet and go the distance! another life lesson…turn others failings/negativity into your motivation/positivity!

 

[smallcat]

I’m sorry you are in this situation. First I would recommend doing whatever you can to find someone trustworthy to talk to- do you have a priest you’re comfortable with? Once you get to college, counseling is often free or low-cost as part of the student health service, and they are quite familiar with these kinds of situations.

Second, does your mother actually realize what getting a medical degree entails? If not, maybe the school counselor could sit down with her and explain it to her. It’s great that she would pay for undergraduate school, but medical school is another 4 years and tuition alone (not including room&board, books, or living expenses) is upwards of $40,000 per year at many schools. Don’t assume you can just pick a cheaper school, either- medical school is so hard to get into that many students take what they can get. That means many students are graduating with $250,000 of debt right off the bat- then comes residency, which is anywhere from 3-10 more years, during which time you will be making around $25,000-$35,000 per year and working 80+ hours/week. The shorter residencies are usually primary care (internal medicine, pediatrics, family practice) which don’t bring in a huge salary when you’re in practice. That means that at the earliest, you are starting off in your first job at around the age of 30, with potentially $250,000 of debt, start-up costs associated with starting a practice, and no savings.

Thereare a whole lot easier ways to find a consistent, secure, high-paying job. Nursing is one- as a nurse practitioner or certified nurse anesthetist, you can be making close to a physician’s salary with FAR less educational time and expense. Engineering, computer programming- there’s a lot out there. Maybe some details will help your mom see differently?

 

[St_Francis]

You have gotten some really goood advice here.

First, it is against Catholic teaching for parents to force their adult children’s decisions wrt their work or their vocation or their choice of spouse. So it is not at all violating the 4th commandment to reject their parents’ actions in this area.

Second, your mother should not dip into her retirement to pay for your college. What you need to do is to go and talk to college financial aid people to find out what sort of aid you can get and what your family’s contribution would be expected to be. Call the financial aid office of a nearby college that you might consider going to and you and your Dad can go and talk with them. You will probably need your Dad for information.

You do not want your mother to dissolve her retirement for your college: first, she would probably have to pay penalties; secondly, what if something happened to you and you were unable to pay her back?; and third, it sounds like she is trying to leverage her retirement funds to pay for your college and then your return of the money will be to provide her with whatever she wants. I am not saying that she’s consciously doing a bad thing, bit I think her thinking is not really clear right now (and this could be due to menopause). Sometimes parents get scared too…

 

[Xantippe]

Redbetta,

There have been a lot of good responses, particularly about the actual financial realities of being a doctor. I’ll add that if you drop out of medical school midway, you’ll still have substantial debt, without the ability to pay it off. I have a young relative who thought she wanted to be a doctor but then dropped out after $60+k in debt. That could easily happen to you. Especially these days, nobody should go into medicine who isn’t totally committed to the field.

Also, as a matter of return on investment, I believe being a physician’s assistant is a better deal. Remember, if you meet a great guy, have kids and want to stay home (at least while they’re small), medical loans could be golden handcuffs keeping you from what you really want. Keep your options as open as possible.

I really don’t like the fact that she is planning to use her retirement money for your undergraduate and you are planning on paying her back. There is so much that could go wrong with that plan. What if you wind up disabled or dead? Where’s mom’s money, then? Minimally, she should have life insurance on you. But honestly, I hate that plan. No reputable financial planner would OK that one. I feel like A LOT more effort needs to be put into the financial planning on this–I would check out some personal finance forums for pointers. There was a recent thread here on a related subject with lots of ideas–check out the comments:

getrichslowly.org/blog/2014/03/24/why-we-arent-saving-for-our-childrens-college-educations/

I also feel like the combination of Spanish and some medical qualification could be really golden for you–but perhaps pretty hard to pull off in four years–it might be worthwhile to do Spanish courses at a community college during the summer to keep you on track inexpensively. Once you get to a higher level, make sure you have native speaker teachers.

One more thing–outside the professions (MD, JD, CPA, etc.) and outside MA programs (which are generally cash cows for colleges), well-qualified students do not pay for doctoral programs. So, if you are thinking of doing a doctorate in Spanish literature (which I do not really endorse), you should be able to 1) get free tuition and 2) a TA-ship to cover living expenses (not all of them are adequate, of course). So, we don’t pay for doctoral programs!

Best wishes!

 

[Pax2u]

It’s not your parents’ responsibility to pay for your college education.

Mom should not be dictating what you study…however, it sounds like she is thinking of it like purchasing something…a future for you. If your decision is that medicine is not the future you want you should say “Thanks for the offer, but no thanks Mom…I’m going to do XYZ and handle the financial part on my own.”

Time to grow up.

 

[DL82]

I’m going to offer a dissenting voice here…

The people I know in life who are happiest didn’t ‘do what they love’, they love what they do.

Unless you believe you have a career goal that could be your vocation, i.e. you love studying literature so much that you would be willing to forego marriage and family to be the most inspiring literature teacher you could be, even if it meant getting lots of graduate school debt and living in a rented room, or you feel so strongly about working with homeless youth that you would make it your life’s mission. Unless you feel that strongly, your job will be your job, the way you support your vocation - whether that’s to marriage and family, or to be single in the service of others - even a number of religious orders these days require that their brothers work a job in the ‘real world’ as part of their mission and witness.

Medicine is a good career, with a good salary. You’re probably going to be safe and secure.

I grew up around a great many British Asian friends whose parents had very clear career goals for them. From as long back as they could remember, they ‘wanted’ to be a doctor, pharmacist, accountant, etc. Most of them now are happy, married, and wealthy. The existential crisis that affects middle class white folks just doesn’t seem to hit them the same way. I’m not entirely sure why, and I’m not saying I would push my own children as hard as your mom is pushing you, but I wouldn’t criticise either.

And yes, I’ve been there. I have had the ‘dream job’ at the perfect Ivy League school for my career goals, and given it up for a stable job at an ‘ordinary’ local college. You know what - I love my job. I love what it involves, and I love that it gives me the stability to keep me where my wife is happy, and where we don’t have to worry about money when our newborn arrives in the summer. It’s not drudgery, it’s something I can get into, it gives me lots of interesting challenges, and a chance to make a difference, to grow where I’m planted.

 

[sallybutler]

Work on getting your 4 year degree. Who knows what will develop in that period?

One of my daughters started off college with Italian Studies, which she fell in love with when she was a senior in high school. She switched back to science (which had been her high school favorite), getting her degree in MCB (aka pre-med) with an emphasis in genetics. She still took classes in the classics, making her rather well rounded.

She is now enrolled in a program that will result in her having her PHD in genetics. She didn’t want to be a doctor because she didn’t want to deal with patients. Instead, she went for research.

However, now that she is almost done, she is thinking she’d like to teach science, especially to girls.

Things will change.

 

[Lorelei12]

Your mom cannot “make you” become a doctor, especially if she is not going to be financially involved beyond undergraduate school.

Maybe I am wrong, but I was under the impression that a common undergrad major for students who go on to medical school is biology anyway. What would she rather you major in?

You do have a choice here. You can tell her that you absolutely do not want to become a doctor, and if she decides not to pay for your undergraduate education, you can find a way to finance it on your own. You are actually very fortunate to have parents with the means to assist you with your post-high school education.

Or, you can tell her that you want to major in biology, that you will consider medical school but will not promise to go. She can then decide whether to pay or not. Your mom is also delusional if she thinks that somehow going to medical school means you will have no debt.

Do consider that your mom has a point about the practicality of the major you choose. It does matter, and you should take the time to choose wisely. Student loans are also a really big deal. You need to decide what you want, and what you’re willing to give up to get it.

 

[KCT]

God bless you for being a good kid and wanting to please your parents.

But really, can anyone “make” you be a doctor? Will your mom register for classes, follow you around, get information into your brain etc??

Are you saying that your mom will only fund college if you take what she wants you to take?

If so, you have a decision to make. Get an undergrad degree in something you might not want or go it on your own.

Can you get a job and go to community college if need be to study what you want to study?

 

[redbetta]

Thanks for all of the replies. Many posters recommended that I get a job. I probably cannot get a summer job since most people may age have already secured a job for the summer during winter break. Also, I do not have a driver’s license and, even if I find something locally, I have poor skills with people and technology. Plus, all I know how to do is study, that is all I ever do and any spare time that I have, I spend outside.

Times are really busy for me anyway to look up careers or hunt for a job. I have two months of the school year left and there is a lot going on. I have the ACT coming up and I am taking a prep course for that. I am also taking advanced placement classes and the AP exams are coming up for college credit. However, not every college accepts AP credit even if my scores merit credit. My GPA is among the top ten of my junior class and I am trying to get a lot of volunteer hours. My family and I are hoping that I can secure a scholarship for whatever college that I go to.

I am not thinking of going to a prestigious, expensive university so that I will have more money to go towards graduate school. Still, I am trying to get a high score on my ACT anyway so that I will still have the option. We have a family friend who is less well off than we are and her daughter managed to get a full scholarship to the University of Chicago because she learned so well. So I am not ruling out that possibility. I might attend a nearby Catholic college which is not among the best, but pretty decent. I am attending a Catholic high school and attended Catholic schools of of my life, and it is my understanding that Catholic colleges with take some money off of the tuition of a student who had attended Catholic schools.

If my school does take AP credit, I cannot use it to replace a necessary class. For instance, I take AP Biology and if I get a 4 or a 5 on the exam and I am allowed to skip the first level biology class, I might not do so well starting off at Biology II. So, if it is possible, I am planning to use my AP credit for my extra curricular requirements or to skip the baseline courses that I am not planning on studying any further in. Hopefully, I can save some money with that plan.

Mom does not pay much attention to current events so I do not think she knows much about any troubles currently affecting the medical field. These posts enlightened me to since I study too much to pay attention to the news. I am pretty much sure that I will not go into literature, the arts, or the humanities. I took a mandatory financial literacy class for school and it made me pretty sure that I will not do anything in finances or business. I am just looking for a job in the sciences, preferably using biology, definitely not physics, and becoming fluent in another language. Thanks.

 

[Erjoe79]

There are a lot of very good points being said in here. It seems to me that you have a lot of support.

Not to derail your issue but here is my own, which I think is similar and onen in which I need all of your comments, thoughts and prayers:

I am now 34 years old. I’ve been an LPN for eight years now, and believe me when I say that I do wholeheartedly love my current profession. I know I must, at least, continue and complete the RN track, not only because of higher better pay, but because hospitals only hire RNs.

The only other field that I really truly love with just as much passion is law enforcement. I’ve always wanted to be a police officer since I graduated high school. I’ve never done it mainly because of a misguided sense of respect to my parents, who I never thought ( and still think) would not react very well to that.

And is not like I’d be quitting nursing entirely either. IF I do decide to go through any local or state police academy I would still keep my nursing gig on the side. But I’m still highly debating this. Only again because of what I’ve already mentioned is my (probably, assuredly) misguided sense of respect towards them.

Obviously the choice would be easier if I didn’t live with the old folks, and we can debate that point another topic.

So, redbetta I totally understand your position and what you’re dealing with. All I can offer is prayer, and trust your inner voice. And always, absolutely always communicate with your parents. God bless and I wish you the best of luck.

P.S. - as for my query, as stated above I really, absolutely need comments, thoughts, opinions and prayers. Thank you all.

 

[sunnygt]

Look into nursing and medical laboratory technician programs. You can go through a four year program, get a job, and then go back to school to continue your education only if you choose. These programs are far less expensive than becoming a doctor or pharmacist and you can walk out into a good job after your bachelors.

 

[dedo]

When I was growing up, it was also my Mom’s hope for me to pursue a particular career that required graduate education. I believe CAF rules ask members not to claim credentials in certain careers. So I will not name the path I took directly.

As a result, I looked at everything else first. It is only natural for children to want to be independent from their parents, and finding your own career path is part of that.

I also got some “tough love” when I would get whiny or look at options where I would be unable to support myself. My parent’s standard response was “join the army”, when I wanted to quit school or something of that nature.

The way I resolved what path to go on is to:

1. Stay in church. God can only direct our path if we take time to listen.
2. Keep your options open. That means study hard, avoid bad crowds, and keep your grades up. I also took the required pre-___ courses “just in case” to keep my options open and I did well in all of them.
3. Systematically investigate yourself each career option you are considering as if no one was trying to influence your choice. I had summer jobs in a biology research lab at the National Institutes of Health, a summer job with engineers with the defense dept., and a job in a hospital ICU. The summer jobs allowed me to quickly eliminate two of those (engineering and research).

Thus, I eventually ended up in the career my Mom hoped for mainly because it allowed me to take more time to decide.

If you do go to medical school you have scores of options as far as career choices go.

I did not find the option that suited me until my last year of graduate education when I worked with someone doing my current profession.

Almost instantly I knew what I wanted to do and I never looked back.

That never would have happened had I not done the hard work, stayed in church, and investigated options on my own.

Also, you need to develop some people skills if you are considering health care. I was also very shy when I got to college at 16. I overcame that with club sports, and serving as president of my university club sport helped me get into graduate school. So if you are shy like me, find an activity you can meet people in.

If I do a second career, I would want to be an entrepreneur like my Dad. Parents are not always wrong.

Good luck.

 

[Xantippe]

Redbetta said:

“Also, I do not have a driver’s license and, even if I find something locally, I have poor skills with people and technology. Plus, all I know how to do is study, that is all I ever do and any spare time that I have, I spend outside.”

To me, it sounds like the best things you can do for your future are 1) get a driver’s license as soon as possible 2) work on your people skills and 3) work on your technology skills. If you work retail, they’ll pay you a little bit and you’ll improve your people skills.

Not being either a people person or a technology person eliminates pretty much 90% of good jobs–they are nearly all either one or the other. Fortunately, it’s pretty inexpensive to work on those three items, at least compared to 4-year college expenses.

“Times are really busy for me anyway to look up careers or hunt for a job. I have two months of the school year left and there is a lot going on. I have the ACT coming up and I am taking a prep course for that. I am also taking advanced placement classes and the AP exams are coming up for college credit. However, not every college accepts AP credit even if my scores merit credit. My GPA is among the top ten of my junior class and I am trying to get a lot of volunteer hours. My family and I are hoping that I can secure a scholarship for whatever college that I go to.”

Good.

Bear in mind that the tip-top elite schools are actually pretty generous, because they can afford to be.

princeton.edu/admission/whatsdistinctive/experience/financial_aid_without_loa/

“If my school does take AP credit, I cannot use it to replace a necessary class. For instance, I take AP Biology and if I get a 4 or a 5 on the exam and I am allowed to skip the first level biology class, I might not do so well starting off at Biology II. So, if it is possible, I am planning to use my AP credit for my extra curricular requirements or to skip the baseline courses that I am not planning on studying any further in. Hopefully, I can save some money with that plan.”

That’s very reasonable as a plan.

Bear in mind that the combination of your being female and interested in the sciences makes you a catch. There is a whole category of prestigious science-oriented colleges (for instance CalTech or Carnegie Mellon) where they will pretty much do anything to get hold of good female students. Oh, and your dating prospects will be much improved in that sort of setting.

 

[smallcat]

Bear in mind that the combination of your being female and interested in the sciences makes you a catch. There is a whole category of prestigious science-oriented colleges (for instance CalTech or Carnegie Mellon) where they will pretty much do anything to get hold of good female students. Oh, and your dating prospects will be much improved in that sort of setting.

That might be true in physics, engineering, and maybe chemistry, but not biology. I think biology majors now are pretty much 50/50 if not majority female.

 

[Xantippe]

smallcat said:

“That might be true in physics, engineering, and maybe chemistry, but not biology. I think biology majors now are pretty much 50/50 if not majority female.”

That thought was on the tip of my keyboard–there are a lot of women in biology.

I wonder, though, if a female biologist would still be a catch for Caltech or similar? I was looking this up really quickly, and Carnegie Mellon is 57% male, Caltech is 62% male, and MIT is 54% male. That may not sound like a huge disparity, but at non-specialized universities these days, there are way more female than male students. Our local college, for instance, is 41% male, or thereabouts.

At either extreme, the colleges do put their fingers on the scale at admissions to even the numbers out.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

I won’t give advice regarding careers for particular individuals including the OP.

But I will say this: carrying student loan debt is dang foolish most of the time. Since the bankruptcy restructure in 2006, it is very very difficult to discharge them in bankruptcy. So the wrong decision around it can easily follow someone all their lives, mess with their ability to form families, prevent them from buying that first house and so on. With college costing what it does now, a college education must be looked at as an investment with a return and loans must be considered in that context. If a given family can afford to pay 4 years out of pocket, that’s cool. But most families do not have that luxury. Taking on sizable debt to be an English or art history major is just not a smart thing to do at all. If anyone in my family was considering that, I’d go yard on them.

Today, alternatives to college are definitely worth considering. For men, that might be the trades. For women, that might be the medical technology field.

 

[sadpanda2]

I would advise against medical school if your heart isn’t absolutely in it.

4 years undergrad (cost: $10,000-$160,000)
MCAT prep (cost: $3000, plus time)
50/50 shot at getting in at this point, even with good grades and good MCAT
4 years med school (cost: $250,000 plus living expenses)
3 years residency (making $50,000/year … which sounds alright until you realize you’ve run up $500,000 in debt. Also, don’t forget the 36-hour shifts twice per week!)
3 years fellowship (making not much more than $50,000/year)

Then when you’re 33 or 34 maybe you’ll get the job that your mom thinks med school guarantees. Or maybe not. Who knows!

If you do want to work in the medical field, I strongly advise nursing or being a physician assistant. Nurses can start out of undergrad (at 22) at about $45,000-$65,000 per year. PAs take two years’ worth of masters level courses at a much lower tuition rate than an MD would. And they start out making $60-$70K. I knew some women who were 27 and pulling down $90,000 as PAs because they were in prosthetics, which is an in-demand subfield.

If you don’t want to do medicine, biology has lots of potential careers, such as academic science, sales, marketing, drug development, screening, etc. Even patent law is an option for a skilled biologist.

Your mom is wrong to be worried and if you come to her armed with facts she might start to see it your way.

 

[sadpanda2]

I would advise against medical school if your heart isn’t absolutely in it.

4 years undergrad (cost: $10,000-$160,000)
MCAT prep (cost: $3000, plus time)
50/50 shot at getting in at this point, even with good grades and good MCAT
4 years med school (cost: $250,000 plus living expenses)
3 years residency (making $50,000/year … which sounds alright until you realize you’ve run up $500,000 in debt. Also, don’t forget the 36-hour shifts twice per week!)
3 years fellowship (making not much more than $50,000/year)

Then when you’re 33 or 34 maybe you’ll get the job that your mom thinks med school guarantees. Or maybe not. Who knows!

If you do want to work in the medical field, I strongly advise nursing or being a physician assistant. Nurses (RN) can start out of undergrad (at 22) at about $45,000-$65,000 per year. You can also become a nurse practitioner or a nurse anesthetist and do far better than that. PAs take two years’ worth of masters level courses at a much lower tuition rate than an MD would. And they start out making $60-$70K. I knew some women who were 27 and pulling down $90,000 as PAs because they were in prosthetics, which is an in-demand subfield.

If you don’t want to do medicine, biology has lots of potential careers, such as academic science, sales, marketing, drug development, screening, etc. Even patent law is an option for a skilled biologist.

Your mom is wrong to be worried and if you come to her armed with facts she might start to see it your way.

 

[Irishmom2]

Here’s the thing: You’re mom can’t control you as an adult. But she can have a say if she’s paying for school. If you are willing to work through school (debt is a bad idea, avoid it if you can), and pay for it yourself, you’ll be fine. But if you need her to pay for it, she does have that control…

No, I disagree, she does not have the right to choose her daughter’s major and career.