Mother/sisters in law problems. Please give me some advice

[Compostella]

Hello all. Okay so there has been tension between my mother and sisters in law off and on since I got married. I thought we were okay and that we were getting along just fine until they came to visit and stayed at our house for four days. The reason for their visit was to come to my baby shower. I have a son, whom they haven’t seen since last August. Well they were going to get here on Thursday night and my husband was working nights. I told him that I needed to take our son to daycare ( Mother’s Day out) on Friday because I had many, many things to get done and our toddler is very active and unruly at times. It’s hard for me to handle him alone at eight months pregnant because he is very heavy and I just can’t keep up at stores alone with him. Well he made me feel bad and asked me to please let his mom watch him while I ran errands since she hadn’t seen him in so long and would want to spend time with him. I agreed and he didn’t go. Come Friday morning I kept mentioning to them all of the things I had to get done and how I was afraid how I’d be able to do it all alone with my son, hinting to see if she’d offer to watch him or help. Well she didn’t. My husband, who usually sleeps till about 1:30-2pm since he has to go back in to work at 5, woke up at 10:30am with the noise and noticed she hadn’t offered so he said in from of her, “just leave him with me, I know you have a lot to do.” She turns and says “no, you have to sleep baby, she can’t leave him here.” I took my son and left, struggling to get anything done. She left to get her hair done and didn’t get back to our house till 10:30pm. Next day, same thing. She went out to eat with her daughters and nephews to a nice restaurant and visit her brother and didn’t even come back to our house to sleep. She slept over there, again not even trying to spend time with my son. The good thing is that my father in law (they are divorced) and his wife offered to watch him that day so I could get things done. Sunday, the day of my shower, she did not offer to help me with anything, got there, stayed for a little and left early. Neither she nor my sisters in law bought one single thing for my baby. I don’t expect big gifts from people, just something to show that they cared. Then I found out that my sister in law did bring a gift for her cousin who is also pregnant. I couldn’t help but get offended and think that it was intentional to not get me anything for my baby. I was more so shocked.

My father in law’s wife text me late that night asking how it all went and I kind of vented and told her that I was shocked that they didn’t give me anything for the baby or even mentioned it. She was driving back to the city thy live in and my younger sister in law was with them. I think she saw the messages and now the three of them are purposely ignoring anything I post on social media even if it has to do with my son, but commenting on everyone else’s stuff, which leads me to believe that they again don’t like me. I know, it sounds silly and that I really didn’t do anything wrong, except express how I felt, but it’s literally taking over me. I feel guilty now for even saying anything and the fact that I know they are mad at me is eating at me. This always happens. I hate when people are mad at me and can’t let it go.
How can I let this go? Should this be taking up so much of my feelings?

 

[1ke]

Your husband needs to address the issue with his mother directly, not you. Your husband made the arrangements with you for your son to be home. He should have communicated his expectations to his mother beforehand. But when he offered to take your son, you should have stuck with that regardless of what his mother said. It was up to him to step in and explain himself to his mother.

He should address the ignoring behavior and the slight of attending the shower and while foregoing a gift for her grandchild.

All him, no you.

And in the future, refrain from venting about either set of in laws to the other.

 

[pensmama87]

I can understand why these things would upset you, but I also think you need to let go of a lot of this. You could be building up a LOT of stuff in your head.

I think when you want people to do something and help out, you need to just straight up ask them. Especially when they are visitors, some people feel like anything they do is going to mess up their host’s normal way of doing things. If you want help, ask for it, and tell them what to do. Hinting is not conducive to anything but hurt feelings. (And I say this as a reformed “hinter.”)

I do think it’s rude for them to come visit, presumably for a baby shower, and then not give gifts. But telling them that over text is not necessarily the best way to handle it. They may also be familiar with different “rules” for showers depending (they may have thought it was just a social occasion and not a shower, some people do that.)

If they were not good houseguests, I would just not host them again. I’d also be very open with your husband about the things that are bothering you, because since they’re his relatives he should really be doing most of the “handling.” Maybe temporarily (or permanently) ignoring them on social media is for the best right now.

Congratulations on your upcoming baby!

 

[Compostella]

Yes, I agree. We’ve had this talk many, many times. There have been many instances where he should speak up and explain things to her, but he just doesn’t. He’s a very quiet guy and his mom is, well, very defensive and doesn’t really take fault in anything.
Believe me, I feel terrible about venting to the other one, even though I have such a good relationship with her.
I just don’t know how to let go of this, mentally. I want to not care about what they post or not post on my social media. It’s so silly, but it takes up so much of my energy.

 

[Xantippe]

Your husband needs to address the issue with his mother directly, not you. Your husband made the arrangements with you for your son to be home. He should have communicated his expectations to his mother beforehand. But when he offered to take your son, you should have stuck with that regardless of what his mother said. It was up to him to step in and explain himself to his mother.

He should address the ignoring behavior and the slight of attending the shower and while foregoing a gift for her grandchild.

All him, no you.

And in the future, refrain from venting about either set of in laws to the other.

Right.

And ask for what you actually want and need from people rather than expecting them to figure it out.

 

[Compostella]

I can understand why these things would upset you, but I also think you need to let go of a lot of this. You could be building up a LOT of stuff in your head.

I think when you want people to do something and help out, you need to just straight up ask them. Especially when they are visitors, some people feel like anything they do is going to mess up their host’s normal way of doing things. If you want help, ask for it, and tell them what to do. Hinting is not conducive to anything but hurt feelings. (And I say this as a reformed “hinter.”)

I do think it’s rude for them to come visit, presumably for a baby shower, and then not give gifts. But telling them that over text is not necessarily the best way to handle it. They may also be familiar with different “rules” for showers depending (they may have thought it was just a social occasion and not a shower, some people do that.)

If they were not good houseguests, I would just not host them again. I’d also be very open with your husband about the things that are bothering you, because since they’re his relatives he should really be doing most of the “handling.” Maybe temporarily (or permanently) ignoring them on social media is for the best right now.

Congratulations on your upcoming baby!

I do totally understand what you mean. I just didn’t want to straight up ask for help because they never said they would. My husband just assumed that his mom would want to spend time with our son since she hadn’t seen him in so long. Her not trying to spend much time with him does bother me a little, but it’s not like I completely expect her to.
Their rules for baby showers are the same as ours, since when they do go to them, they take a gift, even if it’s small. Also, the purpose for their visit was to come to my baby shower so they knew what it was like I said, I don’t expect for everyone to buy me stuff, it was just hurtful to give me nothing for my baby, but did bring something for their cousin’s baby. My husbands mom just told him she didn’t have the money to buy anything, but didn’t say anything to me. It was just weird that they had money to do lots of other things including going shopping while they were here.
I will try to explain to my husband that I don’t really want to host them at our house anymore, but it’ll just start more drama with them, which is what I try to avoid

Thanks for replying to me!!

 

[LoveMercyGrace]

Your husband needs to address the issue with his mother directly, not you. Your husband made the arrangements with you for your son to be home. He should have communicated his expectations to his mother beforehand. But when he offered to take your son, you should have stuck with that regardless of what his mother said. It was up to him to step in and explain himself to his mother.

He should address the ignoring behavior and the slight of attending the shower and while foregoing a gift for her grandchild.

All him, no you.

And in the future, refrain from venting about either set of in laws to the other.

I am in agreement with this advice. In my life experiences with my family sons and in laws…I now allow my son to deal with these type things. Learned the hard way what the better way is. prayers for you, your new baby on the way- congratulations! and you and husband! blessings!.

 

[Compostella]

I am sorry you are going through this, thank you for sharing your story.

Your husband should have checked with his mother first about babysitting. It was wrong of him to make an assumption that she was going to watch your son all day long. That’s the kind of thing that you need to ask someone. Your mother-in-law clearly had plans with other people as is her right to do.

As far as not getting a shower gift, well that is poor manners on their part. Unfortunately you showed poor manners too by gossiping about them to other people that they didn’t get a gift. That is something that you should have kept to yourself, complaining about it just makes you look like a gossip or petty. I know it was hurtful and you needed to “vent” so this is why you need to vent to your husband about these things, not to other people.

For now, as 1ke said, I agree it is best to let your husband handle any and all communication and give yourself a much needed rest! God bless and prayers for you and your new baby!

Yes, I agree. It wasn’t an all day long thing, it might’ve taken two hours max. It took all day when I had to do it all while trying to chase a toddle. I don’t expect anyone to watch my child, nor do I ever ask people to watch him for me to do things, it was just a day that I needed to those things, which is why I planned on taking him to daycare. That wasn’t what I was mad about. That was my husband’s fault for assuming.

And yes, I shouldn’t have said anything about it. I was just hurt by it.

 

[Xantippe]

Hello all. Okay so there has been tension between my mother and sisters in law off and on since I got married. I thought we were okay and that we were getting along just fine until they came to visit and stayed at our house for four days.

…and that was probably your very first mistake.

If your relationship with these people is rocky, you shouldn’t be hosting them for four days, especially not with a toddler underfoot and heavily pregnant.

I think next time you need to have a shorter visit with fewer people. Also, hotels are nice!

People have given you a lot of corrections–don’t take it the wrong way. It’s easy to make unfounded assumptions.

Years ago, I had a little baby and my parents came out to stay with us. My sister, BIL and nephew all came out to visit to (but they were staying in a hotel).

Big family visit, right? Lots of family fun?

As it happened, no–my parents and sister and BIL were starting a business together and they spent 90% of the visit talking about their business ideas. I spent the entire visit cooking and dishwashing like crazy while people held my baby for me. Finally, on the last meal, I think my dad covered some Chinese takeout–Hallelujah!

That is never going to happen to me again. I am never going to find myself unexpectedly catering a family business conference.

But, at the time, I was a sweet young thing and I wanted to impress everybody by being Suzy Homemaker.

 

[Xantippe]

I will try to explain to my husband that I don’t really want to host them at our house anymore, but it’ll just start more drama with them, which is what I try to avoid

You don’t say, "I’m never going to host you again!’, you say “Oh, that weekend doesn’t work for us” or something similar.

 

[Compostella]

…and that was probably your very first mistake.

If your relationship with these people is rocky, you shouldn’t be hosting them for four days, especially not with a toddler underfoot and heavily pregnant.

I think next time you need to have a shorter visit with fewer people. Also, hotels are nice!

People have given you a lot of corrections–don’t take it the wrong way. It’s easy to make unfounded assumptions.

Years ago, I had a little baby and my parents came out to stay with us. My sister, BIL and nephew all came out to visit to (but they were staying in a hotel).

Big family visit, right? Lots of family fun?

As it happened, no–my parents and sister and BIL were starting a business together and they spent 90% of the visit talking about their business ideas. I spent the entire visit cooking and dishwashing like crazy while people held my baby for me. Finally, on the last meal, I think my dad covered some Chinese takeout–Hallelujah!

That is never going to happen to me again. I am never going to find myself unexpectedly catering a family business conference.

But, at the time, I was a sweet young thing and I wanted to impress everybody by being Suzy Homemaker.

Thank you for your words! I guess I kind of feel like you did then! I tried to be as nice as possible even though, I felt sort of like they were just using my house as a hotel since they spent the majority of their time with other people, just coming to my house to sleep.
I really don’t like confrontation and I know that if I say that they can’t stay at our house next time, it will cause lots of problems. Mostly them not liking me and making me out to be a terrible person like they’ve done before. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. ugh.

 

[pensmama87]

…and that was probably your very first mistake.

If your relationship with these people is rocky, you shouldn’t be hosting them for four days, especially not with a toddler underfoot and heavily pregnant.

I think next time you need to have a shorter visit with fewer people. Also, hotels are nice!

People have given you a lot of corrections–don’t take it the wrong way. It’s easy to make unfounded assumptions.

Years ago, I had a little baby and my parents came out to stay with us. My sister, BIL and nephew all came out to visit to (but they were staying in a hotel).

Big family visit, right? Lots of family fun?

As it happened, no–my parents and sister and BIL were starting a business together and they spent 90% of the visit talking about their business ideas. I spent the entire visit cooking and dishwashing like crazy while people held my baby for me. Finally, on the last meal, I think my dad covered some Chinese takeout–Hallelujah!

That is never going to happen to me again. I am never going to find myself unexpectedly catering a family business conference.

But, at the time, I was a sweet young thing and I wanted to impress everybody by being Suzy Homemaker.

I did that when I had my first and my parents visited. They did not help at all except to occasionally hold the baby. DH and I were cooking for them and everything. They arrived when DS was 2 days old and left around the time he was 2 weeks old, IIRC.

I learned my lesson when my second was born. I specifically requested what I wanted and that I was too tired to cook and do dishes. They were actually very willing to do what I asked them…but I still had to ask. They still weren’t and aren’t great about playing with the kids and stuff, but at least now I know it doesn’t have anything to do with a deliberate attempt to drive me nuts right after I’ve given birth.

As far as future visits, I don’t think it has to be a drama-filled thing. A vague, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I don’t think we can host at the moment” can cover a lot of ground.

 

[thequeen]

I do totally understand what you mean. I just didn’t want to straight up ask for help because they never said they would. My husband just assumed that his mom would want to spend time with our son since she hadn’t seen him in so long. Her not trying to spend much time with him does bother me a little, but it’s not like I completely expect her to.
Their rules for baby showers are the same as ours, since when they do go to them, they take a gift, even if it’s small. Also, the purpose for their visit was to come to my baby shower so they knew what it was like I said, I don’t expect for everyone to buy me stuff, it was just hurtful to give me nothing for my baby, but did bring something for their cousin’s baby. My husbands mom just told him she didn’t have the money to buy anything, but didn’t say anything to me. It was just weird that they had money to do lots of other things including going shopping while they were here.
I will try to explain to my husband that I don’t really want to host them at our house anymore, but it’ll just start more drama with them, which is what I try to avoid

Thanks for replying to me!!

I don’t blame you I would not host them again either.

 

[Allegra]

I think it was wrong of your husband to ask you to take your son out of daycare with the expectation that your MIL would watch him, without communicating that expectation to her first. I think it was also rude them to accept your hospitality and then not spend any of the time with your family and to attend the shower and not bring at least a card. It’s understandable that people aren’t always in the best situation financially, and perhaps she is planning to bring really nice gifts after the baby comes. However, they could at least bring a card thanking you for your hospitality. I think the solution is simply to not extend your hospitality again.

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you for your words! I guess I kind of feel like you did then! I tried to be as nice as possible even though, I felt sort of like they were just using my house as a hotel since they spent the majority of their time with other people, just coming to my house to sleep.
I really don’t like confrontation and I know that if I say that they can’t stay at our house next time, it will cause lots of problems. Mostly them not liking me and making me out to be a terrible person like they’ve done before. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. ugh.

Do they like you now? If they don’t, how does it change things if they don’t like you because you’re not a free hotel anymore? What’s the worst thing that they’re going to do to you?

Somewhat related: I’ve changed a lot as a hostess for family visits over the years. I no longer kill myself offering free bed and breakfast and lunch and dinner, but I put way more effort into planning activities. So, before you have another visit, put some thought into possible activities, and COMMUNICATE with your prospective visitors and come up with a rough schedule. Joint emails from you and your husband are a really efficient way of managing this sort of thing if your relatives do email at all. (I find it a lifesaver when planning stuff with my MIL.)

 

[Xantippe]

I did that when I had my first and my parents visited. They did not help at all except to occasionally hold the baby. DH and I were cooking for them and everything. They arrived when DS was 2 days old and left around the time he was 2 weeks old, IIRC.

I learned my lesson when my second was born. I specifically requested what I wanted and that I was too tired to cook and do dishes. They were actually very willing to do what I asked them…but I still had to ask. They still weren’t and aren’t great about playing with the kids and stuff, but at least now I know it doesn’t have anything to do with a deliberate attempt to drive me nuts right after I’ve given birth.

On my parents’ following visit (2.5 years later, after my middle child was born) it was just them, thank goodness. (Believe it or not, the previous visit where I catered their business meeting with my sister and BIL had been their “baby visit” to my oldest. Traditionally, with one exception, my parents only visit us after I have a baby.) It was actually very helpful to have them hold the new baby, who was a fussy little guy, especially since my toddler was at a needy age, too. I didn’t kill myself hosting them and it was actually a good visit.

Things can get better.

 

[St_Francis]

Thank you for your words! I guess I kind of feel like you did then! I tried to be as nice as possible even though, I felt sort of like they were just using my house as a hotel since they spent the majority of their time with other people, just coming to my house to sleep.
I really don’t like confrontation and I know that if I say that they can’t stay at our house next time, it will cause lots of problems. Mostly them not liking me and making me out to be a terrible person like they’ve done before. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. ugh.

this is why the one to tell them should be your husband.

 

[pianistclare]

You don’t say, "I’m never going to host you again!’, you say “Oh, that weekend doesn’t work for us” or something similar.

Right.
They came a long way to go out of their way to snub you.
these people aren’t nice.
Don’t have them over again. Don’t be a doormat. They are not treating anyone in your family well. It does not show any really love for the son if they disrespect and treat his wife poorly.
Your hubs can tell them next time that they will have to make other arrangements.
Don’t’ expect anything to change with regard to them. But DO expect him to handle them in the future.

 

[mommy_k]

I think it’s not very nice for a grandmother not to give a gift at a baby shower, and especially forgo time with a grandchild that they don’t see often-but that’s me… Your husband assumed his mom would be happy to spend time with his child, so it’s not really his fault either.

She had money to get her hairdone-so she had money to get a gift. Don’t feed into this though and just be a polite DIL, and let your husband deal with them for a while.

Don’t let her steal your peace or cause resentment. Perhaps that is what she wanted to do, so just be aware of this. Perhaps not, but keep it in mind when dealing with her in the future.

 

[Compostella]

Thank you all for your advice and words! I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to talk to me. It’s been eating at me and just reading everyone’s responses is a relief and advice that will be taken by me. I wish I would’ve just vented here to all of you instead of my other MIL

I will try what you all are saying by getting my husband to communicate with them that they can’t stay at our house next time and keep it simple. I got him to do it once before because I was really not comfortable with them staying with us at that time, but they made my husband feel terrible about it. There were tears on my MIL’s behalf, which made him feel very guilty.
I didn’t want to put him in this predicament again and I thought we were getting along just fine, which is why I didn’t say no this time.
It’s a tad different for us since we are Hispanic and it is just something that is expected: to go out of town and stay with your son or daughter, without it even being a question. But this will have to change now, at least for my sanity.
And there really is no difference I guess, since it’s obvious they don’t like me enough to spend time with, help me out a bit or even bring a small gift for my child. I hadn’t thought about that. I am just the type of person that can’t stand people being at me or have anything bad to say about me, which I wish I weren’t!