Mother vacation 60 years old

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DonQuichote1235

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Hi all,

i posted on this forum before about the difficult relation I have with my mother. We shouldn’t see each other very often and not spending too much time together. We now have the arrangement of seeing each other every 6 weeks for 3 hours or something. This is also the advice of my priest and psychotherapist.

I have two questions for you:
  1. How to decline my mother’s vacation offer?
My mother will turn 60 years old in about 1,5 year. She will probably invite my brother and I to go on a holiday with the offering that she will pay for the whole thing (she has to save for this for a long time). She did so as well when she turned 50 years old…

The problem is, is that I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want and shouldn’t go on a holiday with her anymore because of reasons stated above. When my mother would ask this how should I decline?

She would ask me why I decline? I don’t know what to say without her being insulted. She always had a big dream going with my brother and I to a certain country…
  1. How to explain to her the truth?
What if I told her the truth and say that I don’t want to go with her on holiday because if we are being together for a long period we will have fights and it will go wrong? Previous vacations did go wrong too. We would get fights after 4 days. She will deny that and/ or say that the next vacation will be different…How do I respond to that?

I have said to her before that we shouldn’t see each other that often because she wanted me to come over more often. I told her that we shouldn’t do that because of the aforementioned reasons, but she disagrees with that and says that this is not true and that I’m seeing it wrong. She then asks me to give examples for this, but I simply cannot come up with concrete examples and cannot explain it to her. She just doesn’t see that if we are seeing each other too often and too long that things will turn negative. In other words we have conflicting views on this subject.

Thanks in advance!

Greetings Don.
 
Don, it’s a year and a half away. Don’t have anxiety over this right now. You cannot stress for almost 2 years about something that may or may not happen.

Talk with your therapist about the situation and work with your therapist to role play how to decline the invitation and how to continue your boundaries with your mother. Also talk with your therapist about whether you should try to “explain” to your mother or just let it be.
 
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What I wouldn’t give to be able to go on a vacation with my mother, or my father. My mother died at age 61 and I miss her terribly. My father died at age 72. I had a rough relationship with him early in life. But after much prayer and self reflection I decided to learn to let comments be rather than inflame a conversation. I’m so glad I did. Our relationship grew better and he came to Christ before he passed.
Learn patience, learn to control your tongue, honor her as your mother, pray for her and for the Holy Spirit to give you both the tools needed to improve your relationship with her.
God Bless
 
Unfortunately, I’ve had to come to the conclusion with my own mother that controlling your tongue doesn’t help with people who have set their minds that the only acceptable option is submission. Silence is equally seen as provoking a fight. The simple fact is one cannot improve a relationship with someone who is not willing to have a healthy relationship. Our parents have free will too and we cannot force them into a healthy relationship if they have set their minds to only accept an unhealthy one. It is sad, but sometimes it is the case.

That said, given that this is a year and a half out and OP has a therapist, I would recommend asking the therapist.
 
Yes but she has to save money for it a long time and she always plans way ahead of time so I’d expect it will not take very long for her to ask…
 
What has learning to hold your tongue and honor my mother to do with this? I’m living on my own. Im 32 years old. We have a toxic relationschip for ages…
 
Yes but the thing is she will not take for granted that answer. She will ask why I dont want to go on holiday with her? She continually keep asking questions to get to the bottom of why I dont want that. That’s the whole problem. How should I answer then?
 
DonQuichote1235 said:
Yes but she has to save money for it a long time and she always plans way ahead of time so I’d expect it will not take very long for her to ask…
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Then by all means talk to your therapist and role play what you will say.
 
DonQuichote1235 said:
Yes but the thing is she will not take for granted that answer. She will ask why I dont want to go on holiday with her? She continually keep asking questions to get to the bottom of why I dont want that. That’s the whole problem. How should I answer then?
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Work with your therapist on how you will do that. Will you have to hang up the phone, get up and leave, use assertive language, etc.?

Work with your therapist on this.
 
DonQuichote1235 said:
Yes but the thing is she will not take for granted that answer. She will ask why I dont want to go on holiday with her? She continually keep asking questions to get to the bottom of why I dont want that. That’s the whole problem. How should I answer then?
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Suggestion: print this thread out and show it to your therapist.

Really what you need is the art of not answering nosy questions. Which I am well aware is really not easy with a parent, especially not one liable to take affront.
 
I still think it’s important to try to improve the relationship. Sometimes we need to do things we don’t care to do. Avoiding her won’t improve anything. We often need to examine ourselves closely to see what we might be doing to hurt a relationship. They are two way streets after all.
 
Sometimes, but I also know that sometimes being around them until you break down doesn’t help.

Most of us, there is only so much we can bear. It’s not reasonable to expect people (speaking from my own experience here) to take removing the relationship at the cost of being chewed out for hours in a situation you can’t get away from, while the other person becomes angrier at your refusal to provide assent and submission. It’s often not particularly good for the relationship either - I know with my mother, me interacting with her as an adult will damage the relationship, because she will interpret it as a personal attack on her.

Toxic people do not suddenly cease from abuse merely because the target has reached the age of 18, or has left the house, or any milestone like that. The fact that OP has needed to seek therapy for this likely indicates that her continual presence and interaction is causing harm to him. I remember I used to come home from visits and basically lie in bed and cry for a few days, because of how much it hurt.

The way I see it, sometimes the best thing you can do with some adults is set out the limits and keep them up, and not put yourself in positions with someone who will continually test them. If you know someone is going to try to push your buttons, not giving them a chance to keep doing it is the smart thing to do. Think of it as fleeing temptation.
 
Bullies generally get worse until one successfully stands up to them. That being said, I saw the following comment:
DonQuichote1235 said:
She then asks me to give examples for this, but I simply cannot come up with concrete examples and cannot explain it to her.
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I would suggest documenting every time she starts a fight. Include what led up to it and any witnesses. Pay no attention to anyone who will try to manipulate you into thinking that is an unforgiving attitude.

Additionally, you mentioned your brother. How old is your brother? How is the relationship your brother has with your mother? How is YOUR relationship with your brother? Are either of you married and have your own families? Is your father alive and, if so, where is he in all this?

I’m generally not in favor of being a member of the church of perpetual therapy, but I do agree with others in doing “role playing” so you have a better idea of how to respond to her.

ETA: One other question: do drugs or alcohol play a part in any of this?
 
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Convert3 said:
I still think it’s important to try to improve the relationship. Sometimes we need to do things we don’t care to do. Avoiding her won’t improve anything. We often need to examine ourselves closely to see what we might be doing to hurt a relationship. They are two way streets after all.
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Would you give the same advice to a woman who is being beaten by an alcoholic husband?

Sometimes the only thing a victim does to hurt a relationship is breathing.
 
My brother is 26 years old, autistic, and has a symbiotic relationship with my mother. They sleep in the same bed when my brother is at my mother’s. My relationship with my brother, I think, is ok. We differ a lot from each other. Neither of us are married. Yes, my father is alive, but is divorced from my mother (and is gay). He lives in the same area as my mother and my brother. He sees my brother once a week, but doesn’t have contact with my mother. He doesn’t want to get involved a lot in what is going on between my mother and I. I consult him though…

No alcohol or drugs…
 
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That’s comparing apples to oranges. This is his mother, and we are supposed to honor them. I’m not convinced the OP has really tried to mend the relationship. I’ve seen too many people who blame the other party, and fail to see how their actions contribute to the hostility. A good long look in the mirror did a lot for me in mending my relationship with my father before he died.
 
I have tried to mend the relationship multiple times and I’m still doing that. I still come to her and speak to her. What do you think is ‘honor your parents’? It is not bowing before them and kissing their feet…
 
You say no thank you. When she asks why, you say “Because it isn’t on my list of things I want to do”.

The fact that she has saved money for the trip doesn’t matter. The money isn’t going to disappear because you aren’t taking the trip. She can use it however she sees fit.

You should consider trying to stop feeling bad/ guilty/ responsible for not wanting to interact with your mom. We don’t choose our parents (at least not as humans, we don’t). You got a less than desireable mom. You are in control over how much unhappiness you allow that to bring into your life, especially since you are aware of the dynamic.

Fill your life with people who you are able to be around while feeling good. Those are the ones you should plan a vacation with, if you so desire.
 
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