Mother vacation 60 years old

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Pray for her.
Forgiveness. If you can’t forgive her, then how can you be forgiven?
Always speak to her respectfully. There is never a reason to get angry or yell.
Carefully listen to what she says.
If she starts to get heated in her words, politely tell her you are ending the conversation for now, and you will be ready to continue the discussion when she can speak calmly.
As an adult, you do not have to be obedient to her wishes, but treat what she has to say respectfully.
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you.“ Exodus 20:12 NAB
 
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As I understand it, honoring your parents is, for adults, mostly a financial term. You see to it, to the best of your ability, that your parents, when old or sick, do not want for food and shelter.

Since this vacation would likely be unpleasant for you (and, most likely, for your mother), you can see it as ‘honoring’ her by not letting her spend so much money on you!

I base this on the original bible languages, and also on understanding of relationships, especially one that one side would call ‘toxic’. Of course, don’t go out of your way to disrespect her, but turn down her offer, firmly and respectfully!
 
The danger with looking in the mirror is that our parents often shape what we see. I know my struggle was that my mother was the one who taught me what “respectful” was, and to her anything other than total submission and agreement was considered dishonoring my parents. I went through a lot of struggles trying to be more polite and kind and figuring out how I was being rude, with my mother insisting that she didn’t understand how when she raised me to be respectful I’d turned out to be so mean and nasty to her. Eventually I realized that even as an adult, the only respectful option in her book was for me to say yes mother and agree - but it took a long time to get there, because what our parents tell us to do is what we learn to judge ourselves by.
 
Some parents do have a difficult time “letting go.” We as adults need to respectfully help them understand that they’ve done their job and it’s time let us make our own choices to find our own path. Being drawn into argumentative behavior is detrimental to a positive relationship. Ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away.
If you look at today’s daily readings, Our Lord wants us to love our enemies, turn the other cheek. Do you think he would expect less toward our parents?
 
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Trying to fix the problem doesn’t always make it go away either, if the other person is unwilling to change. You can’t convince someone of what they don’t want to be convinced of - you can either knuckle under and decide to be a willing victim, or you can be in a constant battle to protect yourself. That’s what @Norseman82 was giving as the example. There are people who see the problem in the relationship as that the other person has a life outside of catering to their whims. You cannot make the choice for them.

One of the key pieces of advice for such people is to not get trapped. It is much harder to avoid problems if you are on a vacation in a foreign country in a hotel that she’s paying for, versus in a place where you can get in your own car and return to your own home. If she wants to pick a fight (I’m guessing the answer to that is yes) then it will be easier if the adult child is in a place where they can’t walk away whereas if they can choose to return to their own home. If OP says “I will not be spoken to that way, we can continue the discussion later” in a hotel room she’s paying for, how well do you think that will work? I know how it would work with my mother - she would fly into a rage at me for my disrespect in talking back to her and daring to accuse her.
 
We can agree to disagree. I don’t believe in giving up on a parent/child relationship. Prayer to the Holy Spirit can do wonderful things.
 
Refusing to go on an extended vacation isn’t exactly giving up on the relationship. It’s not putting yourself in a situation where you can’t protect yourself from an abusive individual.

Just like a person can be abused by their spouse, adult children can still be abused and hurt by parents. The trouble is when it’s a parent a lot fewer people are willing to accept that it’s possible.

Sometimes you can either give up on the relationship, or you can give up on having a healthy life for yourself. I think if I had not seriously let a lot of my relationship with my own mother go, I would not have been able to stand developing a life of my own that had more than just being depressed in it.

(Yes, I poked through OP’s post history a bit, and it sounds like there’s a lot more going on than just a difficult parent here.)
 
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That’s about how long it took me and it’s still amazingly hard. And I’m repeating a lot of what some wise posters told me - there’s no magic words that will make unreasonable people be reasonable. Sometimes you just have to let them get upset.

Turning the phone off helps. That’s one thing I love about cell phones.
 
Hi Monicad,

how should I understand ‘when she’s in trouble’? When she is sick for example?

" The thing is, is that my mother desperately wants a lot of contact with me, but it is of no good for us both (also my parish priest thinks this).

Yes, I have exactly the same. My mother wants more contact with me, but I’d rather have not.

Firstly, is it bad for an adult to want to separate yourself from a parent? My mother would say: ‘but I’m your mother, why wouldn’t you have more contact with me? What’s wrong with that?’ How can I be opposed to a mother that wants to see her son more often…?

Secondly, how do I explain to her that I don’t want that much contact with her? I tried to explain that, but I find it very difficult to explain it. She likes to have examples from me, but I just cannot come up with clear examples. I heard that I don’t need to explain it her, but I like to explain it to her so she will understand…What reasons can I give to explain that to her?

Thanks!

Greetings Don.
 
What do your priest and therapist recommend you do in this situation, Don? Seek their advice and follow it.
 
yes, well every 6 weeks plus Christmas and Easter. And that I should stick with the agreement. I have this agreement with my mother and she agrees with it too. But I reckon she will ask more in the future. She always did. So how should I explain to her that it is important to stick with the agreement? Between the visits we don’t call, but what if she asks me if she can call me every week? How should I decline that with what reason?
 
Don, stick to what your priest and therapist have recommended. No “buts,” no excuses.

If your mother truly is in trouble and needs you in the future, you’ll know. You’ll feel it inside. And yes, you will be there for her then.

This vacation you speak of is a year away. You don’t need to worry about it now. But should you change your mind and decide to go, you can save up the money for your way there and back and all the essentials yourself. That way, you are in control of how long you remain there.
 
Do you think she’s willing to understand? I have learned from dealing with my own mother that sometimes the impossibility of explaining is due to the fact that it’s very easy for people to not understand what they do not want to understand.
 
DonQuichote1235 said:
Between the visits we don’t call, but what if she asks me if she can call me every week? How should I decline that with what reason?
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Hey Don, would you try an experiment for me?

close your eyes, imagine your mother asking for weekly calls and imagine yourself replying, “No, mother - we agreed that I would call every six weeks plus Christmas and Easter. I’m not going to discuss this any further.”

How do you feel inside after that?
 
I would feel afraid because we will have a discussion and she will ask me questions why I don’t want to call every week. I don’t know how to answer that…

Btw, the arrangement is seeing each other every 6 weeks. We haven’t made any agreement on calling or texting between the visitations.
 
Don, what would be the worst thing about calling every week? Perhaps she just wants to hear your voice. It sounds like she’s afraid of being alone.
 
DonQuichote1235 said:
I would feel afraid because we will have a discussion and she will ask me questions why I don’t want to call every week. I don’t know how to answer that…
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Okay, but what if you just didn’t answer those questions and said something like, “I’m not going to discuss this with you further.”
 
I know in these situations it’s hard, but when was the last time you told her “I love you, mom?” Perhaps you could answer those tough questions with something like “I love you, mom, but the guilt you try to put on me for not spending more time is hurting our relationship.”
 
I tried that on my mother and got chewed out because if I loved her I wouldn’t be trying to make excuses, and if I thought she was hurting my relationship that was something I should work out with my therapist why her behavior made me feel that way and how I could fix that. I also got told if I felt like she was putting any guilt on me, it was proof that I knew deep down that I should be doing what she was asking, and if I’d stop being so rebellious I wouldn’t need to feel guilty.

That’s what’s hard for people to get who haven’t dealt with someone like that. Those buts don’t get through because to the person’s mind, the fact that you are experiencing hurt or guilt from their behavior is a problem with you, and it is utterly unreasonable for you to expect them to change anything or lower their expectations.
 
Oh, I know very well what people like that are like. I only have to look as far as my mother in law. But, expressing your feelings is still important, along with prayer. It’s amazing the strength the Holy Spirit can give us when we pray and express our love for our parents.
 
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