Mother vacation 60 years old

[pensmama87]

We haven’t made any agreement on calling or texting between the visitations.

If you do this, I would suggest that you always be the one to initiate contact, and you set a specific time to call (and a time limit on the call, but she doesn’t have to know that part.)

 

[DarkLight]

Eh, the danger is that “I love you” is very easy to turn into “but if you loved me you would…” I learned not to say that unless I’m hanging up or walking out the door, because otherwise it turns into a rant about how I’m just saying empty words and if I really meant it I wouldn’t be so mean and nasty all the time.

 

[oldgraymare2]

That’s comparing apples to oranges. This is his mother, and we are supposed to honor them. I’m not convinced the OP has really tried to mend the relationship. I’ve seen too many people who blame the other party, and fail to see how their actions contribute to the hostility. A good long look in the mirror did a lot for me in mending my relationship with my father before he died.

Hi Convert,

I once had a talk with a Pastor about honoring our parents.

When toxic relationships and family dysfunction are involved where they threaten the relationship, it’s different.

We don’t have to put ourselves in those types of situations, even when it involves our own parents.

I speak from my own personal experience.

Sometimes the family dysfunction continues on in the family, through a person’s adulthood, like it did with mine.

I had to think about it carefully, and think about how much more I was “willing to take or to tolerate.”

There comes a time where you realize that you really can’t tolerate what’s going on any longer, and that for you, it has to stop/end, especially since it had also been occurring since your childhood.

 

[Convert3]

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. I will always believe prayer can change things. Nothing is beyond the capabilities of the Holy Spirit. My relationship with my father before he died is my experience.

 

[oldgraymare2]

yes, well every 6 weeks plus Christmas and Easter. And that I should stick with the agreement. I have this agreement with my mother and she agrees with it too. But I reckon she will ask more in the future. She always did. So how should I explain to her that it is important to stick with the agreement? Between the visits we don’t call, but what if she asks me if she can call me every week? How should I decline that with what reason?

You don’t have to give her a reason.

You can just tell her that you’ll be keeping the agreement that you’ve made with her, to see her at 6 weeks because that works out the best for you.

Sometimes when we give someone more of a reason or an explanation for something, they’ll want more answers from us, and they’ll start asking for more explanations and they’ll have more questions for us.

So sometimes, the less that we say to them, the better it is.

 

[DarkLight]

The contrasting experience a lot of us had is realizing that our relationship with our parents was damaging to us.

I spent a lot of time and effort trying to fix my relationship with my mother. I would go home and just cry. It was affecting my work, because I was too stressed out from dealing with her to be able to focus on what I was supposed to be doing. It was affecting my physical and mental health. Each interaction would end in me at home, too worn down to take care of myself - often I ended up not eating because I was too tired and sick after dealing with her. I remember the last time I really tried, I ended up at the point where I was physically shaking for hours. She chewed me out because I wasn’t “dealing with my stress” and wouldn’t “tell her what the real problem was” (she’d been told the problem and decided it wasn’t the real problem) and I wasn’t thinking about how that affected her and that was selfish.

We don’t have infinite energy to keep putting ourselves in positions to be hurt. And many of us have done exactly that, sacrificed our own lives and health because we were being told that we were bad people, bad Christians, for giving up on our parents. We can live lives focused on following God, or we can live lives trying to please out parents.

 

[Norseman82]

My brother is 26 years old, autistic, and has a symbiotic relationship with my mother. They sleep in the same bed when my brother is at my mother’s. My relationship with my brother, I think, is ok. We differ a lot from each other. Neither of us are married. Yes, my father is alive, but is divorced from my mother (and is gay). He lives in the same area as my mother and my brother. He sees my brother once a week, but doesn’t have contact with my mother. He doesn’t want to get involved a lot in what is going on between my mother and I. I consult him though…

No alcohol or drugs…

I don’t know much about the details of autistic adults, but the bolded part above about sleeping in the same bed is disturbing. Combined with the rest of the post and what Monicad reported about prior posts you made in the other thread (regarding how she is basically trying to “smother” you), it makes me wonder if your mother is trying to use you and your brother as a replacement for your father. I realize this could be leading into sensitive territory and don’t post anything you are uncomfortable with, but if you haven’t done so already, please share this with your therapist, priest, and father. I don’t know your brother’s living situation (I don’t know if he lives on his own or in a group situation), but if he has a caregiver, mention this to the caregiver.

 

[DonQuichote1235]

“Of course it’s okay for an adult to want to separate from a parent.”

But why is this ok? I feel that it is ok, but also want to explain this to my mother. I also like to explain things to her so she will understand. How can I tell her we shouldn’t see each other that often?

Greetings Don

 

[TechieGuy]

But why is this ok? I feel that it is ok, but also want to explain this to my mother. I also like to explain things to her so she will understand.

What makes you think she doesn’t understand?

She is most likely an intelligent woman and she probably doesn’t spend time with people she doesn’t want to. I doubt that she lets other people run her life either.

Which do you think is more likely - that she really doesn’t understand why you would want more space or that she is manipulating you?

 

[DonQuichote1235]

Because I’ve tried to explain it to her, but she doesn’t see this and says that I’m seeing it all wrong…

As to your question: I really don’t know. Probably a combination of the two…

 

[DarkLight]

People can be very good at not understanding what it isn’t in their interest to understand.

Go get yourself a copy of the four loves. Have a good read of the first part about Mrs. Fidget.

 

[DonQuichote1235]

Thanks for all the reactions! I have got just one more question:

My mother wants to talk about a subject I don’t want to talk about when I’m at her place. She disagrees with that saying that she may talk about anything she want at her home. She calls it undemocratic and it creaties a bad environment when people cannot talk about subjects they want to talk about at her place.

I don’t want to talk about it because she will try to push me into doing something and she will continue to press me if
I don’t comply. It’s about me giving some money for my brother’s relocation. I do want to give some money but just dont want to talk about that when I ‘m at her place. She thinks it’s important to discuss that…What should I do?

But also what to do in general? When someone doesn’t want to talk about something, but the other person thinks it’s important to talk about that, Who is morally ‘obligated’ to comply with the other person?

So the one person finds it important to not talk about a topic, but the other person finds it also important to talk about that…what should happen? Who has more moral right to deny the other?

Thanks!

Don.

 

[DarkLight]

She’s perfectly free to talk about it, you’re just not obligated to listen. But it sounds like this isn’t really about her wanting to “talk”, but about her wanting to pressure you into changing your mind.

 

[Legend]

Is this something that you must discuss with your mother at some point? If so, make an appointment at a mutually-agreed upon place (agency? Lawyer’s office? )give several options as to time and place. Then, meet and do what must be done.

If you and she don’t have to get together for this, make arrangements, and get it done with the people it does involve ( your brother, caretakers, landlord, whoever is in charge ). Then inform your mother it has been ‘taken care of’. And don’t allow yourself to be roped into an argument! If, the next time you are at your mother’s house, and she brings it up, respectfully inform her that there will be no further discussion, and, if she insists on speaking about it, leave! Yes, she can say what she wants to say, in her own home, but no one who does not want to be there has to be there. I’m guessing that, if you stick by there rules, you won’t be having to put them into practice for too long. Good luck, and God Bless!

 

[Rozellelily]

@donquixote

I understand that you have a long-standing toxic relationship with your mother but if you are on vacation could it be that bad?
I mean what would you argue about?
If it’s something trivial like she would rather visit a certain place/do certain activity but you would prefer to do something else then I would just keep the peace and do it because she is older and to make her happy.

 

[DarkLight]

I understand that you have a long-standing toxic relationship with your mother but if you are on vacation could it be that bad?
I mean what would you argue about?

I have one of those, and the problem with being on vacation is you’re basically trapped. With people like that, arguments don’t necessarily have to be about what’s actually going on right then and there - in my experience, usually they aren’t. More likely they’re going to be some rehash of this or that old argument, because she didn’t like the answer she got the last several times. The part that makes it toxic is precisely the refusal to drop a topic until the toxic person gets the answer they want.

A vacation where you can’t easily say “oh look at the time, I have to go” is the perfect time to go back over “I don’t understand why you won’t call me every day, don’t you love your mother?” or something like that. Or “why won’t you give your brother the money I think you should give him?” You get the idea - these topics could come up anytime, but the vacation makes it a lot easier for her to try to force the discussion.

 

[lilypadrees]

Yes, your mother can talk about anything she wants to in her own home. You have the option of leaving when she starts in on it or listening to her say what she needs to say but not doing what she wants you to do. You not she get to say what you do with your money.