Moving from Dating to Engaged to Married

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mandajane

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Hey all. This is my first post here, but I seem to be in a bit of a conundrum. I’ll give you the short and simple version:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years. We’re both 26. We’ve been discussing marriage for a while, but his family has always encouraged him to ‘give it more time’. My family isn’t exactly in the picture, due to differences over my faith. (My mother thinks I’m too ‘uptight’, my father was never around, having run off with a younger woman who didn’t want ‘step-children’.) Anyway, the company I have been working for is closing, and I’m deciding what to do with myself now. My boyfriend, S, would like me to move to the city with him, and get married. While I would like that too, his family is adamant about us not living together before our wedding day. I’d be cool with that, but I cannot afford to live on my own in the city, and I don’t want to take a job here for a few months just to turn around and quit the day of the wedding.

S has asked his mother if I might be allowed to stay with them for the few months leading up to the wedding until I move in with him, but they are adamant against it. I don’t know anyone else i could stay with until that time. So, what do you advise? Do you have any questions that need answered that might help?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and God bless!
 
mandajane, you haven’t had an easy time, with all that happened regarding your parents.
It seems sad that your future parents in law want you to respect Church and Gospel laws, but are not willing to support that. I pray they will develop a more loving attitude to you. You effectively don’t have a family, so please God your husband’s family will have enough caring to become family to you.

As you don’t know anyone else who can help, and if it is possible to find work, much as you don’t wish to, maybe that’s the best option for now. It gives you an income, and it means that you are safe until you join your fiance for the wedding. You mentioned that it is a few months…and maybe by the time you no longer need the job, the right person will be available to take the job on.

I don’t know where you are, but you shouldn’t be so alone and unsupported.
I hope either you can find a secure solution, or that someone here or elsewhere can direct you to a solution.
 
Do a small, quick wedding. Most churches require a 6 month wait. Can you hold out for that long? Maybe work at a shopping center or convience store just to make ends meet?

We’re discussing weddings on another thread. Some have done weddings for under $1,000. Myself, I have clarified several things for myself and FH. Neither of us want the whole hubbaloo with 200 guests. We’re sticking with 30 total and most of those are parents, sibilings and grandparents. I am hoping for a Fri morning wedding and a lunceon reception. Maybe about $800 for the church, $500 for the catering, $200 for suit accesories/dress, $100 for cake and $300 for small decorations, invites and thankyous (considering stamps are nearly 50 cents 30 invites would be $15 before you even get to the paper). Then $200-$500 for music. So if all goes well I will have a $2,500 wedding with all the trappings.

You could ditch the luncheon and cake, do digital and phone invites and negotiate the church fee, use an mp3 player or ask a friend a favor.

If you want to marry the guy tell him its about time he proposed.
 
If the two of you are both in agreement about marrying, and moving to the city, then why not get a place now (both your names on it), and instead of you living w/ his parents until the wedding day, you stay at the place you get (which you’d both be paying for), and he could stay with his parents until the wedding day?

Question - is it really his parents being difficult, or just his mother? Be aware of that; if she (or they, if it is truly both, but a lot of times with guys, it’s just the mother) is this intrusive/difficult now, she/they won’t be any better after your marry.

Also - you’ve been together 3 years, want to get married, but he keeps holding it off because of his family. You state you are both 26 years old; it’s time for him to make his own decisions and not let his family dictate when he marries. Remember; when you marry someone, you really do marry the family - definitely step back for a minute and think it all through before you make any permanent moves.
 
_Jenn said:
If the two of you are both in agreement about marrying, and moving to the city, then why not get a place now (both your names on it), and instead of you living w/ his parents until the wedding day, you stay at the place you get (which you’d both be paying for), and he could stay with his parents until the wedding day?

Question - is it really his parents being difficult, or just his mother? Be aware of that; if she (or they, if it is truly both, but a lot of times with guys, it’s just the mother) is this intrusive/difficult now, she/they won’t be any better after your marry.

Also - you’ve been together 3 years, want to get married, but he keeps holding it off because of his family. You state you are both 26 years old; it’s time for him to make his own decisions and not let his family dictate when he marries. Remember; when you marry someone, you really do marry the family - definitely step back for a minute and think it all through before you make any permanent moves.
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Agree with everything there.
 
mandajane said:
it. I don’t know anyone else i could stay with until that time. So, what do you advise? Do you have any questions that need answered that might help?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and God bless!
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I am adamant against living together before marriage on many levels the most important being the damage it does to the relationship, by distorting the natural growth in intimacy that should should precede sexual intimacy. If that process gets short-changed and happens in the wrong order, it has repercussions for the relationship that can last for years, decades, and eventually destroy a marriage.

Find a temp job where you live know and start planning your wedding. What is the reason for the delay if you know you want to get married? Do you think by waiting you will somehow have more money? success? whatever?
 
SeaShoreGirl said:
Do a small, quick wedding. Most churches require a 6 month wait. Can you hold out for that long? Maybe work at a shopping center or convience store just to make ends meet?

You could ditch the luncheon and cake, do digital and phone invites and negotiate the church fee, use an mp3 player or ask a friend a favor.

If you want to marry the guy tell him its about time he proposed.
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3 years is a long courtship… too long in my book either he wants to marry you or he doesn’t and if the answer is no it’s better to find out sooner rather than later. Frankly I would have been gone after a year and half but then I’m older than you.
 
_Jenn said:
If the two of you are both in agreement about marrying, and moving to the city, then why not get a place now (both your names on it), and instead of you living w/ his parents until the wedding day, you stay at the place you get (which you’d both be paying for), and he could stay with his parents until the wedding day?
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This is what we did, and it worked just fine. I felt a little guilty being the one with my own place while he had to live at home, but it was the best solution for our situation. And now that we’re married, I am so glad we didn’t just live together, which would have been “easier”. Doing things in the “right order” makes a lot of sense to me, it’s a natural progression that makes living together easier and makes the days after being married more fun and exciting. Learning to live together as husband and wife is intimate, and as with sex belongs in the context of marriage. Don’t cheapen your relationship by playing house before the wedding- you’ll be happy you didn’t, once you’re married. There are all kinds of excuses we can make for ourselves (I don’t have money, it’s not practical, his lease isn’t up yet, etc.) but in the end if you want do to the best thing for your relationship, you’ll find a way to live separately until you’re married.
 
mandajane said:
Hey all. This is my first post here, but I seem to be in a bit of a conundrum. I’ll give you the short and simple version:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years. We’re both 26. We’ve been discussing marriage for a while, but his family has always encouraged him to ‘give it more time’. My family isn’t exactly in the picture, due to differences over my faith. (My mother thinks I’m too ‘uptight’, my father was never around, having run off with a younger woman who didn’t want ‘step-children’.) Anyway, the company I have been working for is closing, and I’m deciding what to do with myself now. My boyfriend, S, would like me to move to the city with him, and get married. While I would like that too, his family is adamant about us not living together before our wedding day. I’d be cool with that, but I cannot afford to live on my own in the city, and I don’t want to take a job here for a few months just to turn around and quit the day of the wedding.

S has asked his mother if I might be allowed to stay with them for the few months leading up to the wedding until I move in with him, but they are adamant against it. I don’t know anyone else i could stay with until that time. So, what do you advise? Do you have any questions that need answered that might help?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and God bless!
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Would his parents let him move in with them while you live in the apartment (assuming that you’ll be moving into that same apartment after the wedding.)
 
The OP is not living with her fiance now, they have been dating for 3 years. (“His family is adamant about not living together until the wedding day.”)
Best bet is to rent the apartment, find a job, and live there while he lives with his parents and shares rent. An equally good option is to find a local job and work the few months until the wedding; plenty of people do that.
My stepdaughter announced one day that she was going to move in with her fiance, since a great apartment was coming up and they had to move in right away. We sat down and told her “no way.” Thankfully, she listened to us, and they waited until after the wedding. She has said she is glad she waited. Since then they have lived in several different places, Apartments come and go, but a marriage is a sacrament that should not be disrespected.
 
Are you engaged, or have you just talked about the possibility? Do you guys have a date, or an idea of when you would like to get married?
 
Katie966 said:
This is what we did, and it worked just fine. I felt a little guilty being the one with my own place while he had to live at home, but it was the best solution for our situation.
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You clever person Katie. That’s a great idea if it can be put into motion
 
mandajane said:
Hey all. This is my first post here, but I seem to be in a bit of a conundrum. I’ll give you the short and simple version:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years. We’re both 26. We’ve been discussing marriage for a while, but his family has always encouraged him to ‘give it more time’. My family isn’t exactly in the picture, due to differences over my faith. (My mother thinks I’m too ‘uptight’, my father was never around, having run off with a younger woman who didn’t want ‘step-children’.) Anyway, the company I have been working for is closing, and I’m deciding what to do with myself now. My boyfriend, S, would like me to move to the city with him, and get married. While I would like that too, his family is adamant about us not living together before our wedding day. I’d be cool with that, but I cannot afford to live on my own in the city, and I don’t want to take a job here for a few months just to turn around and quit the day of the wedding.

S has asked his mother if I might be allowed to stay with them for the few months leading up to the wedding until I move in with him, but they are adamant against it. I don’t know anyone else i could stay with until that time. So, what do you advise? Do you have any questions that need answered that might help?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and God bless!
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My advice, for what it’s worth:
  1. Do not live together with you bf before getting married. Many people here explained the reasons for it already and there is not much more to add.
  2. Do not stay with his parents. It would be very awkward for all parties involved and it would out some pressure on you. What if you decide to break off your relationship in the time between moving to his city and getting married? You would be in a very uncomfortable spot. The same goes for him paying for the apartment and you living in it and him living with his parents. It is not a good idea.
  3. I think your best two options are either to find a job in the city where you live and stay where you are until the wedding, or move to a new city, find a job, and get your own place. The point is that you are not married yet to your boyfriend and you should take care of yourself independently. Do not entangle your finances before getting married, nothing good will come of that. While I do hope that eveything will go very well for you, you will get married to your bf and live happily with him, you are not there yet. Things happen to people all the time and they break off their relationships even shortly before getting married (somebody I know called off wedding 2 weeks before the date). Give yourself some space and independence, so you can prepare for your upcoming wedding with the freedom that is necessary to enter this sacrament.
  4. If you move to the city where your bf is and get a job, you do not need to quit it on the day of your wedding. I am assuming that you plan on being a stay at home mom? Well, that is great, but are you sure you will be able to get pregnant immediately? With our culture pushing anticonception so much, one would think that getting pregnant is very easy, but that is not the case for everybody. Having a job in the early months of your marriage might actually be a good thing (you can save some extra money), and you can always quit once the babies come.
 
I am currently in the exact same situation. My fiance is from another state and we wanted him to move to my hometown and get a job before the wedding. Since he would not have a job, it was unreasonable for him to get an apartment of his own. Our solution was that he stayed in my apartment and I spent the night at my mother’s home. If you mother won’t allow this, do you have another relative or friend who might allow you to use a spare room. You might offer them a little bit of money for the water and electricity, but I’ve found that I’ve hardly been noticed at my mom’s house. I work all day and then I try to spend a few hours with my fiance before going home. My parents are usually in bed before I get there and still in bed when I leave. I only see them on the weekend.

PS- I would like to add that when this arrangement was made we were not boyfriend-and-girlfriend-contemplating marriage. The ring was fingered, pre-cana was complete, save-the-date cards were sent. I wouldn’t recommend this unless an official engagement has been declared. Otherwise, it’s known as mooching.
 
Luvz2travel said:
3 years is a long courtship… too long in my book either he wants to marry you or he doesn’t and if the answer is no it’s better to find out sooner rather than later. Frankly I would have been gone after a year and half but then I’m older than you.
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While I agree with you in principle, three years at their age – in my opinion and my opinion only – is a good length. I think 26 is a good age to start deciding to get married because I think you’ve really started to know yourself. At 23 he/she would just be getting out of college more than likely, getting established in a job. In most instances living by yourself for the first time – by that I mean you’re out of college, the parents are not supporting you financially any longer – and you’re learning to budget time and money and such.

Just kind of wanted to throw my two cents in on that. Three years dating when you’re in your late 30s is a lot different than three years dating when you’re early/mid 20s.
 
Living with or marrying a man just because you’re afraid you can’t support yourself is an insult. I suggest you move beyond the initial shock and fear of losing your job and find a way to support yourself independently before even considering getting married.

~ You could work as a temp (a great way to find a permanent job, BTW)
~ You could rent a room if you can’t afford an apartment.
~ You could bring in a female roommate.
~ You could work a mix of part-time jobs to make up for your full-time job loss.

There ARE solutions.

Getting engaged to be married - and getting married - should occur at a moment in your life when it is completely “not needed”. You get married because you are so happy in your relationship you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. You should be getting married when your life is going very well and the marriage would only make everything much better. It is not ideal to get married - make a lifelong commitment - just to fix a temporary problem.
 
chepner3 said:
Living with or marrying a man just because you’re afraid you can’t support yourself is an insult. I suggest you move beyond the initial shock and fear of losing your job and find a way to support yourself independently before even considering getting married.

~ You could work as a temp (a great way to find a permanent job, BTW)
~ You could rent a room if you can’t afford an apartment.
~ You could bring in a female roommate.
~ You could work a mix of part-time jobs to make up for your full-time job loss.

There ARE solutions.

Getting engaged to be married - and getting married - should occur at a moment in your life when it is completely “not needed”. You get married because you are so happy in your relationship you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. You should be getting married when your life is going very well and the marriage would only make everything much better. It is not ideal to get married - make a lifelong commitment - just to fix a temporary problem.
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What if a person is never financially stable on their own? As my mother always said, “If we waited until we had enough money, none of you would be here yet!” Besides that, I don’t see anything in this post that suggests that she is contemplating marriage in order to get a roommate. She seems to have been living fine on her own for at least some time. Perhaps she just thinks that this is a good time for an inevitable relocation, seeing as she is going to have to look for work anyway. She seems to anticipate needing to relocate soon either way.
 
Am I the only one with alarm bells ringing in my head over this???

If you guys choose to live apart it needs to be because you both feel that that’s what’s right and what’s best. Not because his parents say that you aren’t allowed to. And frankly, you’ve been together for three years, it worries me that they think it’s their place to tell you that you shouldn’t get married yet. At this point its none of their business.

Are his parents overly involved in his life? Are they intrusive and controlling? Are they trying to keep him from committing to you? Before you even think about marrying him you need to answer those questions and then determine if he is strong enough to stand up to them. If they are like this now they won’t change when you’re married, and you need to know that your husband will be able to look his parents in the eye and stand up for your marriage, family, and they way you guys choose to do things. Believe me, once you start building a household together and having kids you will do many things that they don’t agree with, and if they insist on causing problems you need to know now if your husband will be able to choose your decisions and relationship over what his parents say.
 
It doesn’t take controlling parents to oppose moving in before being married, especially if not clear that a sexual relationship would be excluded from the arrangement. For Catholics this is a very core moral thing.
 
chevalier said:
It doesn’t take controlling parents to oppose moving in before being married, especially if not clear that a sexual relationship would be excluded from the arrangement. For Catholics this is a very core moral thing.
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Of course I understand that. (My fiance’s parents were opposed to it as well.) What concerns me is that it seems like they would move in together, if his parents hadn’t told him no. Not living together is a great choice, and certainly in line with the Catholic faith. And if they didn’t do it because they didn’t feel is was right that would be great. What makes me worry is that they didn’t do it because his parents said no. If he is in a position to be engaged he is in a position to make his own decisions, and whether his parents outlook is right or wrong, the decision needs to be made between him and his fiance. Their advice can and should be considered, they are older and have more experience. But in the end it is his home and his future marriage. Not doing something just because your parents disapprove is not a good start.
 
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