Moving on after porn

[Sugabee43]

I also live in the sticks, no nearby big city for specialized support groups. Are there any online options?

Not sure I can make myself go to our preist with this, I’m probably just as ashamed for DH as he is of himself. He married us, baptized our son, its a small, close knit parish… I know he doesn’t judge and has heard it before but…

Sorry- didn’t see this until after I posted…

I’m sure there are, if you search for Catholic online support groups. CAF has one for both the sinning husbands and the suffering wives. To be honest, the one for the wives doesn’t have a plethora of posts, and we’re all just commiserating. I would see if you can find an online CATHOLIC source that has a therapist involved, if you can’t find one face-to-face.

And your husband needs to know that this is SERIOUS to your marriage, and seeing a priest about it will get his attention. Anything said in the context of a counseling session is, by Church canon AND by civic law, required to remain secret. So no-one will know. And it’s your pastor’s JOB to be pastoral!! If you cannot trust your priest, then that’s a problem!

 

[E_7]

I purchased “covenant eyes”. I did some tests and Google searches in normal or incognito browsers don’t show up unless you physically click a link. We all know he could just click “images” and have more than enough…I’m still looking at how thus works. what app is recommend?

E_7 here coming to the rescue! I wrote this on my (expired) blog and it will SOLVE your issue with the oh so putrefied images of google:

Whether you are using Covenant Eyes, Net Nanny, Safe Eyes, OpenDNS, iBoss or any other Internet Protection, it is impossible to completely block google images no matter what links you put under “Always Block” if you still wish to use Google Search. It doesn’t matter which Internet Protection you use, Google images can’t be blocked. BUT, do not worry, there IS a way to get over Goggle’s scheme.

I have tried three software so far but they aren’t to blame. Google, trying to be unbeatable, coded their search engine in such a way that images cannot be blocked. Their images are embedded in Google’s URL, making it IMPOSSIBLE to block images. Internet Protection companies give you specific links you can add to the “Always Block” list, but it just doesn’t work if you are a tech savvy or a porn watcher. They give you links to block such as :

images.google.com
[www.google.com/search?q=*&safe=active&client=*&rls=*&channel=*&source=*&tbm=isch&sa=*&ei=*&ved=*&biw=*&bih=*&dpr=*](www.google.com/search?q=*&safe=active&client=*&rls=*&channel=*&source=*&tbm=isch&sa=*&ei=*&ved=*&biw=*&bih=*&dpr=*)
[www.google.com/search?safe=active&site=&tbm=isch&source=*&biw=*&bih=*&q=*&oq=*&gs_l=*&safe=*](www.google.com/search?safe=active&site=&tbm=isch&source=*&biw=*&bih=*&q=*&oq=*&gs_l=*&safe=*)
[www.google.com/search?q=*&safe=active&source=*&tbm=isch&sa=*&ei=*&ved=*&biw=*&bih=*&dpr=*](www.google.com/search?q=*&safe=active&source=*&tbm=isch&sa=*&ei=*&ved=*&biw=*&bih=*&dpr=*)
encrypted-tbn0.google.com
encrypted-tbn1.google.com
encrypted-tbn2.google.com
encrypted-tbn3.google.com
encrypted-tbn.l.google.com
tbn.l.google.com
gstatic.com

Looks familiar? Yes.
THE ONLY SOLUTION THERE IS:

You must be willing to block Google completely. That is, add google.com to the “Always Block” list. If you use Gmail and Google Scholar, do not worry! You can simply add gmail.com and scholar.google.com to the “Always Allow” list. And start using another search engine (I don’t recommend Yahoo, by the way).

We use adblock to block the element of celebrity and news of the lower bar of the homepage of bing.com

Since K-9 on phone is not compatible with my husband’s android version, we use the app “Safe Browser”, I configured it in such a way that you can’t make searches in ANY search engine like google, bing, yahoo, duckduckgo, etc.

Our reason of being radical about this is because we don’t want to leave the door without lock for the devil to screw with us in that area. My husband found it annoying at first, but now he is glad and happy. He just had to get used to it and me as well. We don’t want to get involuntarily exposed to those thing.

 

[BChartowski]

This is a terribly sad situation, and everyone who has told you that pornography is an addiction is correct. If it wasn’t an addiction, people could just stop using it on a whim; we’ve seen that this is not the case. Lust can hold tremendous power over someone. There is no cure-all for this sort of thing, but I think in many ways it’s important for someone who uses pornography to understand not only what it does to their relationships with people in general - not just those of the opposite sex - but what it does to the poor girls that are oftentimes forced into pornography through horrible, horrible means. Pornography destroys the women that are filmed, and it destroys the (mostly) men that that view it. An enormous contributor to the sexual slave trade is pornography. We’re talking about slaves; so many of the poor girls that he has watched have likely been abducted and forced into slavery for this very purpose. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. I’m not sure if you have any daughters, but how would your husband feel if it was one of them on the screen, or one of his sons?

Sometimes seeing behind the curtain reveals the torturous horror of the reality in certain instances. Pornography is one of those instances. It may also help to see if you can provide loving challenges to your husband to help overcome this problem. Oftentimes men do well with objectives and goals, so maybe setting up a challenge where every time he’s tempted or has the desire, he reads the day’s Gospel, or says a decade of the Rosary, hopefully with you; alone time will make it harder. It will not be an easy road; once the demons of lust have their hooks in you, they do not let go easily. Our Blessed Mother is very powerful against sins like this, and Mary Magdalene is the first semi-related proof that comes to mind that Christ can pull anyone out of any jam if they ask. I really is not your fault; regardless of anything you think you may have done or not done. Put that idea out of your head. Before any of that, Christ specifically tells us that to even look at a woman with lust in your heart is to commit adultery. Stay strong; God does not give us challenges we cannot handle, and if we feel we cannot handle them, then all the more reason to fall back into His arms and ask for help and mercy. Either way, God has let this happen because He knows it will help you to grow closer to Him. I’ll say a prayer for you and your family. God bless.

Edited to add:

When you feel the time is appropriate, Jeff Cavins had a fantastic talk about pornography. It can be found at ascensionpress.com under the audio and MP3 section.

 

[Farmerswife27]

Sorry- didn’t see this until after I posted…

I’m sure there are, if you search for Catholic online support groups. CAF has one for both the sinning husbands and the suffering wives. To be honest, the one for the wives doesn’t have a plethora of posts, and we’re all just commiserating. I would see if you can find an online CATHOLIC source that has a therapist involved, if you can’t find one face-to-face.

And your husband needs to know that this is SERIOUS to your marriage, and seeing a priest about it will get his attention. Anything said in the context of a counseling session is, by Church canon AND by civic law, required to remain secret. So no-one will know. And it’s your pastor’s JOB to be pastoral!! If you cannot trust your priest, then that’s a problem!

Yeah, I hear ya. Commiserating sounds good. I’m 1000 miles from home, from my girlfriends and family, I need someone to talk to!

My preist is fantastic, its me, I’m ashamed to go to him with this. I’m humiliated that our marriage is in this mess.

I appreciate the prayers, you’ll be in mine as well.

 

[Sugabee43]

:hug1:Farmerswife, DO NOT be ashamed!! Speaking as the child of a (former) Episcopalian priest, I can tell you that these anointed men have the gift of the Holy Spirit- to guide and comfort and council. They do not judge!! If the priest who is your pastor is one you trust, he will do everything in his power to help. This is exactly the kind of thing he is trained and anointed for! And if he’s been ordained for any significant length of time, he’s probably heard it before, so it won’t be anything earth-shatteringly crazy for him to hear.

My prayers are with you as well!! Let God work through your priest!!

 

[Farmerswife27]

E_7 here coming to the rescue! I wrote this on my (expired) blog and it will SOLVE your issue with the oh so putrefied images of google:

Whether you are using Covenant Eyes, Net Nanny, Safe Eyes, OpenDNS, iBoss or any other Internet Protection, it is impossible to completely block google images no matter what links you put under “Always Block” if you still wish to use Google Search. It doesn’t matter which Internet Protection you use, Google images can’t be blocked. BUT, do not worry, there IS a way to get over Goggle’s scheme.

I have tried three software so far but they aren’t to blame. Google, trying to be unbeatable, coded their search engine in such a way that images cannot be blocked. Their images are embedded in Google’s URL, making it IMPOSSIBLE to block images. Internet Protection companies give you specific links you can add to the “Always Block” list, but it just doesn’t work if you are a tech savvy or a porn watcher. They give you links to block such as :

images.google.com
[www.google.com/search?q=*&safe=active&client=*&rls=*&channel=*&source=*&tbm=isch&sa=*&ei=*&ved=*&biw=*&bih=*&dpr=*](www.google.com/search?q=*&safe=active&client=*&rls=*&channel=*&source=*&tbm=isch&sa=*&ei=*&ved=*&biw=*&bih=*&dpr=*)
[www.google.com/search?safe=active&site=&tbm=isch&source=*&biw=*&bih=*&q=*&oq=*&gs_l=*&safe=*](www.google.com/search?safe=active&site=&tbm=isch&source=*&biw=*&bih=*&q=*&oq=*&gs_l=*&safe=*)
[www.google.com/search?q=*&safe=active&source=*&tbm=isch&sa=*&ei=*&ved=*&biw=*&bih=*&dpr=*](www.google.com/search?q=*&safe=active&source=*&tbm=isch&sa=*&ei=*&ved=*&biw=*&bih=*&dpr=*)
encrypted-tbn0.google.com
encrypted-tbn1.google.com
encrypted-tbn2.google.com
encrypted-tbn3.google.com
encrypted-tbn.l.google.com
tbn.l.google.com
gstatic.com

Looks familiar? Yes.
THE ONLY SOLUTION THERE IS:

You must be willing to block Google completely. That is, add google.com to the “Always Block” list. If you use Gmail and Google Scholar, do not worry! You can simply add gmail.com and scholar.google.com to the “Always Allow” list. And start using another search engine (I don’t recommend Yahoo, by the way).

We use adblock to block the element of celebrity and news of the lower bar of the homepage of bing.com

Since K-9 on phone is not compatible with my husband’s android version, we use the app “Safe Browser”, I configured it in such a way that you can’t make searches in ANY search engine like google, bing, yahoo, duckduckgo, etc.

Our reason of being radical about this is because we don’t want to leave the door without lock for the devil to screw with us in that area. My husband found it annoying at first, but now he is glad and happy. He just had to get used to it and me as well. We don’t want to get involuntarily exposed to those thing.

Oh you have no idea how I’ve been searching for this info! OK so is there a search engine he can use that will not show ANY Images?? I’ll block everything tonight.

Right now if he puts something in the URL bar on the page, it defaults to Google search, can I change that so he can search for normal stuff without any images coming up? I don’t want to use a child safe site because he needs access to banking etc but there’s gotta be something out there if I block Google… (The page that he had open when I found the phone showed Google images, not a porn site.)

I’d love to figure out how to see if he downloads a porn app too then deletes it before I come home. I don’t know if he’s thought of that yet. God help me, I hate myself for being such a controlling, distrustful lunatic about this!!!

 

[E_7]

Oh you have no idea how I’ve been searching for this info! OK so is there a search engine he can use that will not show ANY Images?? I’ll block everything tonight.

Right now if he puts something in the URL bar on the page, it defaults to Google search, can I change that so he can search for normal stuff without any images coming up? I don’t want to use a child safe site because he needs access to banking etc but there’s gotta be something out there if I block Google… (The page that he had open when I found the phone showed Google images, not a porn site.)

I’d love to figure out how to see if he downloads a porn app too then deletes it before I come home. I don’t know if he’s thought of that yet. God help me, I hate myself for being such a controlling, distrustful lunatic about this!!!

You are very welcome! You have to follow these steps:

On your Internet Filter software (I think you mentioned you have installed Covenant Eyes), go to the Always Block list (I assume you are the administrator with the password to access the dashboard ) and add to the Always Block list google.com (and on your way add yahoo.com and duckduckgo.com) . It will block google completely, no google images will appear, trust me. It doesn’t matter if his Browser (Safari, Chrome, Firefox, Edge, Internet Explorer, or whatever) has as default in the address bar Goggle as search engine. It will be blocked.

Now I don’t know which Browser you have installed so I can’t give very detailed instructions, but you just have to look for the settings to change the default search engine of the browser to Bing. The difference with Bing is that their images are NOT embedded in Bings URL. Therefore blocking specific URLs of Bing will be enough to block Bing’s search images. But first change the Browser’s default search engine to Bing, so that every time your hubby searches for something in the address bar, it will go to Bing (if you leave it with google, it will just be blocked).

After that, go to the Covenant Eyes Always Block list and add these URLS:

bing…com/images
bing.com/videos

Then download Adblock Plus here (it is an ad blocker, but it can also be used to block elements of website). After you download it and install it on your Browser and go to bing.com. As you can see below in bing.com, some things can be annoying. So while being on bing.com, go to the logo of the AdBlock (a red stop sign) near the address bar and click on it and select the option that says something about Block/hide element. Now hover the mouse below where that annoying bar is and make sure it covers the whole bar (try from the corner on the left) and click on it and follow the steps to hide it. If you do not see the option it might be because you are using Firefox and so you have to install another add-on for your browser called “Element Hiding Helper for Adblock Plus” Once you install it, it will appear “Select an element to hide” once you click the Adblock Plus logo.

If you have more than one Browser, Covenant Eyes will work in all browsers. But you will need to do the adblock step for each Browser you have. Covenant Eyes works in incognito/private windows, so do not worry!!

If you have gmail or use scholar.google.com, remember to add them to the Always Allow list to make an exception for blocking the whole google.com. By permitting those exceptions, it will not affect blocking google search (and images).

Do ask me more questions, I really want to help you but my son is pulling my hair!. Or send me a PM, I got you covered.

 

[TxGodfollower]

Thank you for looking into those apps. Also, I agree completely. I have become complacent and routine about my marriage because of work, the kids, the farm… I am working on that now, but its difficult to be affectionate with someone who hurt me this badly. but I’m trying. I will continue to pray on it.

How can I make him understand that porn IS a form of cheating?!

Does the amount of intimacy a man gets have a direct correlation to the amount he seeks porn out or is this something he needs in addition to me… I guess what I’m wondering is if its habitual with men to the point of needing it regardless of the frequency or intensity of their love life? Because I thought things were good compared to how they were a few years ago, we are more intimate, fight less often… This still blows my mind.

Also, this part really kills me: all the girls he looked at are like 20 year old fair skinned redheads. I’m 35 with have brown hair and a (what I assumed was a) nice tan. Their bodies are much nicer than mine, I’m not horrible but I show my age and childbearing. I don’t know how to compete with those girls. Several years ago he admitted having a thing for redheads so I dyed my hair, which looked ridiculous on me, we both had a good laugh. I obvioulsy can’t transform into what i know he desires, so is this a losing battle? He claims to love and want only me but his cell told me otherwise. I almost smashed it to bits with a hammer when I saw it.

I did some searching and covenant eyes seems pretty good. The problem is how common incognito and other hidden browsing systems have become. Internet explorer, firefox, chrome, all got em. The features you want to be sure you have are:

1. can’t be turned off or uninstalled w/o a password.
2. Monitors incognito browsing and any browser.

I am not sure if it would be worth arguing how much this is/isn’t cheating infidelity. It wasn’ right for him to do by any means, but he’s looking at it like ‘well, hey I didn’t actually physically sleep with any of these red heads.’

I’m not a psychologist so I don’t know all the details. I don’t know if there is a formula you can figure to say, if I do X, Y, and Z, he won’t look at porn.

What I would recommend is finding some time to talk to him. Try to find out what you are doing that is encouraging him to seek out gratification elsewhere. Don’t nag him about it, but let him know that you want to support him. Please don’t misunderstand me, this is his fault. But things you may have done, or not done, could have encouraged him to do this. Its almost like if you leave a kid in the kitchen with a fresh plate of cookies, its his choice to eat them, but you really made it hard on him by leaving them out like that.

You can’t satisfy his desires, because they are unrealistic. That garbage isn’t real life. But if you can find some small way to help him, and he wants out, he’ll get out and you two will be happy. It could be something as silly and simple as dying your hair again, I don’t know.

He may still really love you. You have to remember guy’s brains work very differently from women’s. Different aspects of our minds are separate, isolated (think of a waffle), while you girls are a messy jumble, everything connected (nice bowl of pasta).

There is hope for him and for you.

(And sorry for all the food comparisons. I like food )

 

[Farmerswife27]

Thank you! You all have helped so much. I’m a little unnerved because he somehow uninstalled covenant eyes today. I’m not sure what happened but I inadvertently blocked the internet and he needed it for work (I think I believe him…?) So he uninstalled the app.

He did tell me today he doesn’t know why he did it and he didn’t have any idea how deep it would hurt me. Should I leave it alone and let him have all access with just an accountability app or should I insist on blocking the sites (like the Google images that will haunt me forever.)?? He gets downright mad when I want to block sites, YouTube, etc.

 

[Farmerswife27]

He may still really love you. You have to remember guy’s brains work very differently from women’s. Different aspects of our minds are separate, isolated (think of a waffle), while you girls are a messy jumble, everything connected (nice bowl of pasta).

There is hope for him and for you.

(And sorry for all the food comparisons. I like food )

I don’t understand. In my mind he wants someone else and thrrefore doesn’t love me. Or loves me like a sister not a wife. He says he does but then why does he want her? Them? I can’t make this compute, no matter how long I beat myself up over it…

 

[Farmerswife27]

BChartowski thank you for your kind words too. I tried that, we have a beautiful 6 year old daughter. I told him those girls are someone’s little Sara, once. He blew that off too.

I can’t figure out his head on this. One minute things are OK, he’s contrite, the next he blows it off again as just pictures or my fault. It could be because I bring it up constantly and tend to lose my temper and boil over at least once a day. That’s when he gets all weird and defensive so I guess I understand that part.

 

[TxGodfollower]

Thank you! You all have helped so much. I’m a little unnerved because he somehow uninstalled covenant eyes today. I’m not sure what happened but I inadvertently blocked the internet and he needed it for work (I think I believe him…?) So he uninstalled the app.

He did tell me today he doesn’t know why he did it and he didn’t have any idea how deep it would hurt me. Should I leave it alone and let him have all access with just an accountability app or should I insist on blocking the sites (like the Google images that will haunt me forever.)?? He gets downright mad when I want to block sites, YouTube, etc.

I think accountability app would be fine. Since he needs internet access for work, let him surf, jus that he knows you can see where he goes.

I don’t understand. In my mind he wants someone else and thrrefore doesn’t love me. Or loves me like a sister not a wife. He says he does but then why does he want her? Them? I can’t make this compute, no matter how long I beat myself up over it…

Don’t beat yourself up about it. Its not going to help anything

BChartowski thank you for your kind words too. I tried that, we have a beautiful 6 year old daughter. I told him those girls are someone’s little Sara, once. He blew that off too.

I can’t figure out his head on this. One minute things are OK, he’s contrite, the next he blows it off again as just pictures or my fault. It could be because I bring it up constantly and tend to lose my temper and boil over at least once a day. That’s when he gets all weird and defensive so I guess I understand that part.

You probably should let it go. I’d tell him you want to move on, so accountability apps for each of you and you wont bring this up again. IF he wants to talk about it or if there is something you can do to help him, your here to talk, but you don’t need to start any more conversations about it.

 

[Filius]

Letting it go is the worst thing you can do on this - it is also the most uncharitable.

The man is committing mortal sin. It is our duty in charity to try to turn him away from it.

Charity does not equal “being nice” and “letting it go.”

 

[Farmerswife27]

I could only WISH to let it go. This has me thinking I need a councillor… Anxiety meds, wine, something. I’m so hyper paranoid every time he picks up his phone. I’ve hidden the laptop s and tablets… I’m freaked out when he’s at work with an unattended computer. If he doesn’t answer my first thought these days is “oh no, what’s he doing?” I can’t get it out of my head!!! And I can’t resist having my endless stream of questions answered. I’m a basket case.

 

[Farmerswife27]

I could only WISH to let it go. This has me thinking I need a councillor… Anxiety meds, wine, something. I’m so hyper paranoid every time he picks up his phone. I’ve hidden the laptop s and tablets… I’m freaked out when he’s at work with an unattended computer. If he doesn’t answer my first thought these days is “oh no, what’s he doing?” I can’t get it out of my head!!! And I can’t resist having my endless stream of questions answered. I’m a basket case.

 

[twf]

As a man who has struggled with this sin at times I can tell you:

1. it does NOT mean he doesn’t love you
2. it does NOT mean he isn’t attracted to you
3. it does NOT mean he doesn’t enjoy relations with you
4. it does NOT mean he wants to replace you with someone else

None of the above excuses the sin. It is still a betrayal, but psychologically porn and a relationship with a real woman are completely different worlds for a man. At least in my experience there is nothing real, nothing emotional about porn- it is purely addictive pleasure of the moment. The woman on the other end doesn’t exist. Objectively it is infidelity but to the man caught up in it it doesn’t feel like it.

 

[PolarGuy]

“Letting it go is the worst thing to do” is awful advice, so bad as to be absurd.

It is productive to NOT let it go? Shall we beat on husband daily, blow up at him forever, literally every day? This is just becoming yet another weepy, anti-husband rant.

Seriously, this entire thread is also just becoming “trash the husband and remind him through daily blowups and meltdowns that he can never be forgiven,” particularly where OP admits she neglected her husband for long periods. That is counterproductive. Spouses need some sense of forgiveness, and if a husband was daily melting down on his wife, as OP is doing, he’d have long ago gotten both barrels from the women on this board.

I am not excusing what he did, but some degree of objectivity would go along way toward fixing the problem.

Shame on some of the posters here. OP, you must make efforts to let this go, lest this become a lot more your fault and a lot less his.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

“Letting it go is the worst thing to do” is awful advice, so bad as to be absurd.

It is productive to NOT let it go? Shall we beat on husband daily, blow up at him forever, literally every day? This is just becoming yet another weepy, anti-husband rant.

Seriously, this entire thread is also just becoming “trash the husband and remind him through daily blowups and meltdowns that he can never be forgiven,” particularly where OP admits she neglected her husband for long periods. That is counterproductive. Spouses need some sense of forgiveness, and if a husband was daily melting down on his wife, as OP is doing, he’d have long ago gotten both barrels from the women on this board.

I am not excusing what he did, but some degree of objectivity would go along way toward fixing the problem.

Shame on some of the posters here. OP, you must make efforts to let this go, lest this become a lot more your fault and a lot less his.

If he were contrite and taking steps to fix the problem, you would have a point. But right now, he’s acting like a teenager who got caught smoking pot and just wants his mom off his back.

Read the thread. These are not words and actions of a man who knows he hurt his wife, violated his vows, and has committed himself to change.

 

[PolarGuy]

I see contrition. How much is he supposed to show?? I also see OP melting down daily, and basically no amount of contrition seems adequate. My question is a sincere one: what does OP want of the guy???

 

[Sugabee43]

If he were contrite and taking steps to fix the problem, you would have a point. But right now, he’s acting like a teenager who got caught smoking pot and just wants his mom off his back.

Read the thread. These are not words and actions of a man who knows he hurt his wife, violated his vows, and has committed himself to change.

“Letting it go is the worst thing to do” is awful advice, so bad as to be absurd.

It is productive to NOT let it go? Shall we beat on husband daily, blow up at him forever, literally every day? **This is just becoming yet another weepy, anti-husband rant. **

Seriously, this entire thread is also just becoming “trash the husband and remind him through daily blowups and meltdowns that he can never be forgiven,” particularly where OP admits she neglected her husband for long periods. That is counterproductive. Spouses need some sense of forgiveness, and if a husband was daily melting down on his wife, as OP is doing, he’d have long ago gotten both barrels from the women on this board.

I am not excusing what he did, but some degree of objectivity would go along way toward fixing the problem.

Shame on some of the posters here. OP, you must make efforts to let this go, lest this become a lot more your fault and a lot less his.

Wow. I sure hope you weren’t referring to me. Maybe the reason you perceive it to be “weepy” and “anti-husband” is because you’ve never been on the receiving end of this type of adultery. In my mind and the minds of most wives, and the Church, this type of behavior is just as bad as if he were having sex in real life with another woman. The scary part is that this is much more secretive and portable than scheduling trysts with a real person. It seems you’re dismissing it as being ‘only’ viewing porn as opposed to what it really is - breaking the marital bond.

I believe there needs to be a balance between holding him accountable and not talking about it at all. IF he is penitent and goes to Confession and counseling, then it would be reasonable to back off a bit and see if he can remain sober. If, however, he’s exhibiting typical clandestine attitudes - scurrying off to be alone; staying up late at night by himself; getting ultra-defensive/angry when asked - then she should stay on his case.