Moving on after porn

[BChartowski]

I’m trying to fast from posting so I want to say one more thing because I think it’s important.

Pornography is a serious serious issue. It thrives because we dance around with it. “boys will be boys”. “no one get’s hurt”. Nonsense, There is a study out that interviewed serial murderers. I forget who did it but you can google it. You can probably guess the one habit they all had in common. Pornography is an absolutely evil life destroying thing,.

It’s shiny and glamorous and enticing etc…but at the bottom of the pit, is the bottom of the pit. And it’s a very hard landing when marriages are broken up, children grow up with spiritually absent fathers and learn these habits from us.

So think about your kids if your wife is not incentive enough.
I can guarantee any man reading this, if you think your son has never seen you viewing, and so you assume he does not know you view and will not pick up your evil, you are sadly mistaken.
You might think you are hiding the habit, but you cannot hide who you are. Even if your son does not see you view, the evil you bring into your family will exert itself. You are messing with powers that will overwhelm you. The evil you are dealing with does not need something so obvious as being caught, to work it’s evil. It’s just like a systemic infection. It might not have visible sores, but is highly contagious nonetheless.

This comment here is very heart-felt and very truthful. For the OP, or anyone, really, I might recommend reading the testimony of a woman named Gloria Polo. It’s about what Christ showed her when she was stuck by lightning and was clinically dead twice during the ordeal. Specifically the parts about the effects of these sorts of things on your children stand out to me after reading this. It’s a fascinating account.

As well, I might add that there was a time when someone very close to me was dealing with overcoming pornography use. Many prayers were said on his behalf by the few that knew, and the man struggling was often praying for help. He was in RCIA at the time, and I’m sure this helped. He told me that one evening he was praying, telling God of his struggles with lust (and that’s what this is), and he was shown a very brief vision. He described it like this: He was in a dark, very large, wet-feeling stone room, and he was seated at the middle of a large oval table with hooded figures seated all around. It was very dark and he couldn’t see much beyond the figure at the head of the long table. There was some sort of conversation happening between these figures, all the while the figure across from him just stared at him from behind his hood. He couldn’t see his face, but he describes the feeling as being terribly ominous and overwhelming. He related that the intensity and the overbearing will from the figure across from him felt as though the figure was truly obsessed with him. He said that the figure’s oppression bore down on him from across that table until it felt like there was no longer any distance between them. I will never forget him saying how utterly helpless he felt; it was written across his face very clearly that what he saw had a deep impact with him. He said at that moment, at his most frightened, all he wanted was help. The doors of this room blew open forcefully and light poured in illuminating the face of the figure across from him; it was ugly and had a number on its forehead (I’m sorry, I don’t remember what number). Jesus came through the door with His hand out and said, “come on; let’s go.” He was told that the figures in the room were demons, and they were all plotting, and that the numbered demon was the demon of lust. He explained that now that he knew what he was dealing with it became much easier to know where to turn - to Christ in prayer, and constantly asking our Blessed Mother for help.

I only share this because I think it might truly be important to remember that once a demon (or possibly demons) has it out for you, and is making a concerted effort to ruin you, it can often be very difficult to be yourself; to be what is good even if you know how to be good. I know you’re hurt; anyone would be, and it’s a righteous hurt when evil comes into a marriage and tries to destroy it through any means. I haven’t been able to read all 11 pages of replies, but I’d suggest offering up rosaries every single day for your husband - you are one flesh with him through the Sacrament of marriage, and you have evil biting away at a part of you with every intention of destroying your family. Pray, constantly, with your husband and for him. Ask that he spend time in front of the Eucharist or Tabernacle with you even in short prayer. Have him participate in having your home blessed and even Enthroned to the Sacred Heart.

I know this will all sound as if I’m just pawning off responsibility; I’m not. It will require work from both of you, because you are inseparably joined in marriage. When you’re dealing with a foe that is vastly more powerful than you, you need help from those who are infinitely more powerful than your foe. According to St. Dominic, Demons fear Mary more than any other saint. One sigh from Mary is more powerful than all the prayers from all the saints. It may not change overnight, but keep it up. It took St. Agustine’s mother something like 30 years of praying for him before he was converted, but look at the results.

I wish your family peace and healing, and I will pray for you.

 

[Farmerswife27]

This comment here is very heart-felt and very truthful. For the OP, or anyone, really, I might recommend reading the testimony of a woman named Gloria Polo. It’s about what Christ showed her when she was stuck by lightning and was clinically dead twice during the ordeal. Specifically the parts about the effects of these sorts of things on your children stand out to me after reading this. It’s a fascinating account.

As well, I might add that there was a time when someone very close to me was dealing with overcoming pornography use. Many prayers were said on his behalf by the few that knew, and the man struggling was often praying for help. He was in RCIA at the time, and I’m sure this helped. He told me that one evening he was praying, telling God of his struggles with lust (and that’s what this is), and he was shown a very brief vision. He described it like this: He was in a dark, very large, wet-feeling stone room, and he was seated at the middle of a large oval table with hooded figures seated all around. It was very dark and he couldn’t see much beyond the figure at the head of the long table. There was some sort of conversation happening between these figures, all the while the figure across from him just stared at him from behind his hood. He couldn’t see his face, but he describes the feeling as being terribly ominous and overwhelming. He related that the intensity and the overbearing will from the figure across from him felt as though the figure was truly obsessed with him. He said that the figure’s oppression bore down on him from across that table until it felt like there was no longer any distance between them. I will never forget him saying how utterly helpless he felt; it was written across his face very clearly that what he saw had a deep impact with him. He said at that moment, at his most frightened, all he wanted was help. The doors of this room blew open forcefully and light poured in illuminating the face of the figure across from him; it was ugly and had a number on its forehead (I’m sorry, I don’t remember what number). Jesus came through the door with His hand out and said, “come on; let’s go.” He was told that the figures in the room were demons, and they were all plotting, and that the numbered demon was the demon of lust. He explained that now that he knew what he was dealing with it became much easier to know where to turn - to Christ in prayer, and constantly asking our Blessed Mother for help.

I only share this because I think it might truly be important to remember that once a demon (or possibly demons) has it out for you, and is making a concerted effort to ruin you, it can often be very difficult to be yourself; to be what is good even if you know how to be good. I know you’re hurt; anyone would be, and it’s a righteous hurt when evil comes into a marriage and tries to destroy it through any means. I haven’t been able to read all 11 pages of replies, but I’d suggest offering up rosaries every single day for your husband - you are one flesh with him through the Sacrament of marriage, and you have evil biting away at a part of you with every intention of destroying your family. Pray, constantly, with your husband and for him. Ask that he spend time in front of the Eucharist or Tabernacle with you even in short prayer. Have him participate in having your home blessed and even Enthroned to the Sacred Heart.

I know this will all sound as if I’m just pawning off responsibility; I’m not. It will require work from both of you, because you are inseparably joined in marriage. When you’re dealing with a foe that is vastly more powerful than you, you need help from those who are infinitely more powerful than your foe. According to St. Dominic, Demons fear Mary more than any other saint. One sigh from Mary is more powerful than all the prayers from all the saints. It may not change overnight, but keep it up. It took St. Agustine’s mother something like 30 years of praying for him before he was converted, but look at the results.

I wish your family peace and healing, and I will pray for you.

Thank you. I’m sure it is a demon. Demons, really. I’m hoping it’s under control and over now as he says it is.

He says he hasn’t looked or been tempted at all since i.confronted him the day i found out. I dont know uf i believe him.but i am letting it drop until i see proof he did not.

I’m struggling with giving him any privacy, I’ve been snooping through his things, his texts, etc, wondering if there’s some secret “stash” somewhere, which I feel terrible about but so compelled to do it… This ordeal has made a mad-woman out of me!

I can’t really relate if it turns out its an addiction but if its more of a bad habit, I know it can be dropped once one realizes the damage being done. Ive been there. I’ve been praying and he did cave in and go to confession, although it was mostly to appease me. I can only hope our priest drove home the seriousness of it all and offered council on it.

 

[Trident_H]

Thank you. I’m sure it is a demon. Demons, really. I’m hoping it’s under control and over now as he says it is.

He says he hasn’t looked or been tempted at all since i.confronted him the day i found out. I dont know uf i believe him.but i am letting it drop until i see proof he did not.

I’m struggling with giving him any privacy, I’ve been snooping through his things, his texts, etc, wondering if there’s some secret “stash” somewhere, which I feel terrible about but so compelled to do it… This ordeal has made a mad-woman out of me!

I can’t really relate if it turns out its an addiction but if its more of a bad habit, I know it can be dropped once one realizes the damage being done. Ive been there. I’ve been praying and he did cave in and go to confession, although it was mostly to appease me. I can only hope our priest drove home the seriousness of it all and offered council on it.

I’ve an outside question on this for you. I mean do you really want to find that stash of his?

Because you’ve got 2 ways in this. You can keep dreading to find it. While spending the rest of your life actively looking. Or you can work on convincing yourself that your husband’s on the upward climb. And live in willful ignorance. I mean in a situation where one strike more gets him an out are you sure you want to spend your energy in that pursuit? As a pitcher or catcher instead of a teammate?

Because if he’s an addict. You might find his stash eventually. Sure. But if he isn’t you’ll just finish off your relationship by degrees. Through mental steps of mistrust.

Look. I don’t mean to say anything you don’t already know. But as an addict I’ve got to warn you. We’re super duper liars. I mean I’m a pro. When I’m using that is. So this really comes down to you. How do you want to live your life in this. Do you want to stay in the shadow of this forever? Or do you want to move on and trust that things will go back into normal play?

Because an addict under constant watch can be pretty careful. So you might never know the real score anyway. Or at least not for a really long time. So you could go ahead and spend the next 12 years in hot pursuit. Constantly struggling with what is true and what is false. Or you can take a step back and try to dull this ache sooner instead of later.

I mean all I can say to you are 2 things.

One. I’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with this. It’s a shattering thing to realize that a person you thought you knew inside and out had a secret room you’d never really been in. A whole set of thoughts you didn’t know were part of the original package. But do have hope here. Because this room is just a compartment. It’s not the sum total. It’s just a small part. And it can be sealed off with time.

Two. Your mental health and happiness are more likely to improve once you are able to steer closest to what was normal before. So the sooner you let yourself off the hook and stop trying to find what you don’t really want to find, the better I think.

I don’t know if this helps. I don’t know if this gets you any closer to a place where you can live with this. And I hope you understand I’m not condoning bad behavior. That I’m just trying to slow down the neurosis that’s going to take hold if it becomes the main obsession between you.

Peace Farmerswife. I hope you find consolation on this soon. And I hope I haven’t caused you any further pain with this post. I’ve reread it 12 times over to make sure it’s right. But sometimes when I’m trying to help I can end up pushing too hard. I really hope this gets to you the right way up.

-Trident

 

[pensmama87]

I’ve an outside question on this for you. I mean do you really want to find that stash of his?

Because you’ve got 2 ways in this. You can keep dreading to find it. While spending the rest of your life actively looking. Or you can work on convincing yourself that your husband’s on the upward climb. And live in willful ignorance. I mean in a situation where one strike more gets him an out are you sure you want to spend your energy in that pursuit? As a pitcher or catcher instead of a teammate?

Because if he’s an addict. You might find his stash eventually. Sure. But if he isn’t you’ll just finish off your relationship by degrees. Through mental steps of mistrust.

Look. I don’t mean to say anything you don’t already know. But as an addict I’ve got to warn you. We’re super duper liars. I mean I’m a pro. When I’m using that is. So this really comes down to you. How do you want to live your life in this. Do you want to stay in the shadow of this forever? Or do you want to move on and trust that things will go back into normal play?

Because an addict under constant watch can be pretty careful. So you might never know the real score anyway. Or at least not for a really long time. So you could go ahead and spend the next 12 years in hot pursuit. Constantly struggling with what is true and what is false. Or you can take a step back and try to dull this ache sooner instead of later.

I mean all I can say to you are 2 things.

One. I’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with this. It’s a shattering thing to realize that a person you thought you knew inside and out had a secret room you’d never really been in. A whole set of thoughts you didn’t know were part of the original package. But do have hope here. Because this room is just a compartment. It’s not the sum total. It’s just a small part. And it can be sealed off with time.

Two. Your mental health and happiness are more likely to improve once you are able to steer closest to what was normal before. So the sooner you let yourself off the hook and stop trying to find what you don’t really want to find, the better I think.

I don’t know if this helps. I don’t know if this gets you any closer to a place where you can live with this. And I hope you understand I’m not condoning bad behavior. That I’m just trying to slow down the neurosis that’s going to take hold if it becomes the main obsession between you.

Peace Farmerswife. I hope you find consolation on this soon. And I hope I haven’t caused you any further pain with this post. I’ve reread it 12 times over to make sure it’s right. But sometimes when I’m trying to help I can end up pushing too hard. I really hope this gets to you the right way up.

-Trident

I think this is very good advice.

UbiCaritas suggested AlAnon and I think that would be great even if we’re not talking addiction. Going through his things and trying to catch him is not healthy behavior and will not help, even though the impulse is understandable.

Sometimes an addict will work together with someone to build accountability measures, but that’s up to them when they are actively seeking recovery. It doesn’t seem like your husband is in a place where he’s willing to do that, addict or not.

 

[Farmerswife27]

I’ve an outside question on this for you. I mean do you really want to find that stash of his?

Because you’ve got 2 ways in this. You can keep dreading to find it. While spending the rest of your life actively looking. Or you can work on convincing yourself that your husband’s on the upward climb. And live in willful ignorance. I mean in a situation where one strike more gets him an out are you sure you want to spend your energy in that pursuit? As a pitcher or catcher instead of a teammate?

Because if he’s an addict. You might find his stash eventually. Sure. But if he isn’t you’ll just finish off your relationship by degrees. Through mental steps of mistrust.

Look. I don’t mean to say anything you don’t already know. But as an addict I’ve got to warn you. We’re super duper liars. I mean I’m a pro. When I’m using that is. So this really comes down to you. How do you want to live your life in this. Do you want to stay in the shadow of this forever? Or do you want to move on and trust that things will go back into normal play?

Because an addict under constant watch can be pretty careful. So you might never know the real score anyway. Or at least not for a really long time. So you could go ahead and spend the next 12 years in hot pursuit. Constantly struggling with what is true and what is false. Or you can take a step back and try to dull this ache sooner instead of later.

I mean all I can say to you are 2 things.

One. I’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with this. It’s a shattering thing to realize that a person you thought you knew inside and out had a secret room you’d never really been in. A whole set of thoughts you didn’t know were part of the original package. But do have hope here. Because this room is just a compartment. It’s not the sum total. It’s just a small part. And it can be sealed off with time.

Two. Your mental health and happiness are more likely to improve once you are able to steer closest to what was normal before. So the sooner you let yourself off the hook and stop trying to find what you don’t really want to find, the better I think.

I don’t know if this helps. I don’t know if this gets you any closer to a place where you can live with this. And I hope you understand I’m not condoning bad behavior. That I’m just trying to slow down the neurosis that’s going to take hold if it becomes the main obsession between you.

Peace Farmerswife. I hope you find consolation on this soon. And I hope I haven’t caused you any further pain with this post. I’ve reread it 12 times over to make sure it’s right. But sometimes when I’m trying to help I can end up pushing too hard. I really hope this gets to you the right way up.

-Trident

Actually, this is excellent advice, thank you. Its not that I go looking, I just happen to be somewhere and get thinking… Like I was in the basement painting a project and looked up and saw his gun safe… Some little irritating voice in my head told me that would be a good place to hide it. So i poked around in it for 10 minutes until i was convinced it was empty. Ive done this several times now, its not premeditated but im almost obcessed once i get the idea…

Do I want to know? Yes and no. I want to be sure its done and the lies are done. Your point about being an excellent liar scares me. Ignorance was bliss but now that I know our marriage has been infested with this ****, I can’t turn the other cheek and go on without knowing it’s been removed. I wonder if it’s sinful to snoop around like this. It feels wrong, so probably. Maybe it’s my own addiction, now, since once the idea hits me I can’t not do it… Hmm:shrug:.

 

[white_sheep]

Y’all are blowing this out of proportion. There hasn’t been a single indication that he is a porn addict.

 

[PolarGuy]

OP, I know you may not want to necessarily answer this, but your last post referenced wanting his “lies to be done.” What lies are you referring to? My recollection is that when you questioned husband about porn use he admitted he did it. So what are the lies?

Additionally, he went to confession but now you’re snooping through his things. Does that constitute you “moving past this?” Sounds like he is. Are you?

And what do you intend to say when he catches you snooping?

 

[UbiCaritas]

Thank you. I’m sure it is a demon. Demons, really. I’m hoping it’s under control and over now as he says it is.

He says he hasn’t looked or been tempted at all since i.confronted him the day i found out. I dont know uf i believe him.but i am letting it drop until i see proof he did not.

I’m struggling with giving him any privacy, I’ve been snooping through his things, his texts, etc, wondering if there’s some secret “stash” somewhere, which I feel terrible about but so compelled to do it… This ordeal has made a mad-woman out of me!

I can’t really relate if it turns out its an addiction but if its more of a bad habit, I know it can be dropped once one realizes the damage being done. Ive been there. I’ve been praying and he did cave in and go to confession, although it was mostly to appease me. I can only hope our priest drove home the seriousness of it all and offered council on it.

I’m going to be blunt, but it’s because I care.

Here’s the thing: this sort of behavior isn’t going to do you or him any good. You’ll just make yourself crazy. At the end of the day, he’s an adult, he’s going to make the decision to look or not look, and if he chooses the former, there’s a very good chance, technology being what it is and he presumably being at least somewhat intelligent, that you’ll never find out. You can’t make him not look, and you can’t have a 100% ironclad guarantee that if you just look hard enough, you’ll find what you’re looking for. And even if you do…then what? More anger, more drama? What productive result could you get?

Nothing. And that’s all there is to it.

Which is a terribly, terribly hard thing to face. I’ve been there, though with a different relative and a different problem. It’s very hard, but in the end, it’s also very freeing because you get to live your own life, one that he can be a part of if he so chooses, but not one that you allow him to make miserable. Because that’s what you are right now: miserable and suspicious and unhappy and that’s not going to change until you change your behavior and thinking. You can’t change his, no matter what it is, whether it’s actually looking at porn (and as you yourself say, you have no evidence that he is right now), thinking about it, or not being sufficiently regretful of his previous behavior, which yes, was a serious betrayal of trust, no arguments there.

Which is why I suggested Al-Anon. Your behaviors that you’ve described above are standard Al-Anon behavior, just substitute an alcohol stash for a porn stash: hunting through his things; if you find any alcohol, pouring it out (throwing away porn/deleting links); not believing him if he says he isn’t drinking; constantly focusing on what he is or isn’t doing, even though you can’t know for sure, and so forth. All this is doing is making you crazy. Is it doing you any good? I seriously doubt it.

So…stop. Get to the next and nearest Al-Anon meeting, find someone who’s been there, done that, and learn a new type of behavior, one that won’t lead you to spending all your time in a cycle of hurt, anger, suspicion, and detective work. It’s a miserable way to live.

 

[Sugabee43]

I’m going to be blunt, but it’s because I care.

Here’s the thing: this sort of behavior isn’t going to do you or him any good. You’ll just make yourself crazy. At the end of the day, he’s an adult, he’s going to make the decision to look or not look, and if he chooses the former, there’s a very good chance, technology being what it is and he presumably being at least somewhat intelligent, that you’ll never find out. You can’t make him not look, and you can’t have a 100% ironclad guarantee that if you just look hard enough, you’ll find what you’re looking for. And even if you do…then what? More anger, more drama? What productive result could you get?

Nothing. And that’s all there is to it.

Which is a terribly, terribly hard thing to face. I’ve been there, though with a different relative and a different problem. It’s very hard, but in the end, it’s also very freeing because you get to live your own life, one that he can be a part of if he so chooses, but not one that you allow him to make miserable. Because that’s what you are right now: miserable and suspicious and unhappy and that’s not going to change until you change your behavior and thinking. You can’t change his, no matter what it is, whether it’s actually looking at porn (and as you yourself say, you have no evidence that he is right now), thinking about it, or not being sufficiently regretful of his previous behavior, which yes, was a serious betrayal of trust, no arguments there.

Which is why I suggested Al-Anon. Your behaviors that you’ve described above are standard Al-Anon behavior, just substitute an alcohol stash for a porn stash: hunting through his things; if you find any alcohol, pouring it out (throwing away porn/deleting links); not believing him if he says he isn’t drinking; constantly focusing on what he is or isn’t doing, even though you can’t know for sure, and so forth. All this is doing is making you crazy. Is it doing you any good? I seriously doubt it.

So…stop. Get to the next and nearest Al-Anon meeting, find someone who’s been there, done that, and learn a new type of behavior, one that won’t lead you to spending all your time in a cycle of hurt, anger, suspicion, and detective work. It’s a miserable way to live.

Yes. I agree. Over the years I have learned to NOT search; not seek out signs of my husband’s addiction. I have let it go, for the most part, and given the situation to the Lord. I pray for my husband’s recovery; at the point, that’s all I can do. It’s good to have the software, etc on your devices for everyone’s sake.
We are all in the midst of a spiritual battle for the hearts and minds of all of creation- make no mistake! Some battles are more obvious than others. Pray. Then pray. Then pray some more- during this Year Of Mercy!

 

[Farmerswife27]

Yeah, you guys are all right, I’ve just had a lot of BS to work through. Letting go is easier said than done but I think on the outside, I have. I haven’t brought it up at all. I’ll get there, eventually. I’m just kinda in a weird place right now. I’ve never gone through this, to this extent. I’m not looking to accomplish anything, its just random and compulsive on my part.

Poar guy, the lies were things like his not telling me, then changing his story several times, then telling me what I wanted to hear then telling me the truth about his lack of remorse, telling me he looked once or twice, then several times a week for weeks, wihile pleasuring himself to these pics in our home. He blamed different people then told me it wasn’t them. A lot of little, relatively insignificant lies that only matter because of my general lack of trust in him these past weeks. I know he was trying to do damage control and make it less awful but the cat was out of the bag at that point so why bother?!

If I get caught… Honestly, I hadn’t thought about that. My guess is he wouldn’t be surprised. Things have been tense and awkward around here, lately anyway.

 

[Farmerswife27]

Y’all are blowing this out of proportion. There hasn’t been a single indication that he is a porn addict.

Please, white sheep, just don’t post on this thread anymore. I couldn’t care less if he’s addicted or not, looking once is one time too many. You refyse to even try to see this from a wife’s perspective and your posts are just instigating and insensitive. You have offered no help but to place the burden on me.

 

[Farmerswife27]

Also I did find an al-anon group I will try to visit asap, is there an enrollment process or can I just show up? Is there a fee? Do I go alone or try to get him to attend too?

Thanks again!

 

[Trident_H]

Actually, this is excellent advice, thank you. Its not that I go looking, I just happen to be somewhere and get thinking… Like I was in the basement painting a project and looked up and saw his gun safe… Some little irritating voice in my head told me that would be a good place to hide it. So i poked around in it for 10 minutes until i was convinced it was empty. Ive done this several times now, its not premeditated but im almost obcessed once i get the idea…

Do I want to know? Yes and no. I want to be sure its done and the lies are done. Your point about being an excellent liar scares me. Ignorance was bliss but now that I know our marriage has been infested with this ****, I can’t turn the other cheek and go on without knowing it’s been removed. I wonder if it’s sinful to snoop around like this. It feels wrong, so probably. Maybe it’s my own addiction, now, since once the idea hits me I can’t not do it… Hmm:shrug:.

I’m glad you’ve heard me on the level I was aiming for. But I didn’t mean to alarm you. The reason an addict’s a good liar has a lot to do with having learned to lie to themselves first. To rationalize to themselves why they need their fix. Why they need it so badly that they’ll sell out everyone else to get it. But I mean I don’t think your husband’s that far along. There’s no reason to think that way at this point. So I’m sort of sorry I said that bit. There’s no point worrying about worst cases. Because that can go on forever. I think it’d be better for everyone if we all focused on the best possible scenario. I mean in doing that you manage 2 things really at once.

You lower your anxiety on this. And you send signals of trust again to your husband. Because we all know that sometimes what keeps us from bad habits is knowing we’ll lose something in the bargain. But if your husband already figures he’s lost his standing permanently with you. Or if he already feels that rebuilding the trust is going to take an extra lifetime. Well he has a lot less to lose in repeating his offenses than he might if he knew he’s got you onside again. Even if only in a fragile way. Because like you I’m sure what he wants most right now is for things to go back to normal between you.

So I’d take as positive an outlook as possible. And stop the impulse to search. Stop the urge to second-guess. Try to take him at his word in things again. Because otherwise you’re absolutely right. This can become an addiction/obsession for you. And if you can’t overcome that then it puts you in as hard a place as an addict failing to get over his own demons. But also. Everyone can do with a second chance now and again. On a first offense at any rate. You’ve fired your shots in this. You’ve drawn the line. So now it’s time to stand down. Lower your gun. And get back to a normal view of things. Or as close as you can come. For both of your sakes.

Peace Farmerswife. I’m praying for you guys.

-Trident

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Y’all are blowing this out of proportion. There hasn’t been a single indication that he is a porn addict.

This thread reminds me of the reason Ned Flanders goes to al-anon meetings.
video

 

[pensmama87]

Also I did find an al-anon group I will try to visit asap, is there an enrollment process or can I just show up? Is there a fee? Do I go alone or try to get him to attend too?

Thanks again!

No enrollment. You can make a freewill offering there if you wish (to cover the meeting space rent and any materials available). I suggest going alone - it’s not couples’ therapy.

By the way, the recommendation that the OP go to Al-Anon is less about whether or not her husband is “really an addict” and more about how she has been reacting to him. Whether or not he’s addicted, her behavior has a lot in common with how family and friends of addicts behave. Al-Anon can help with that. It’s for her, not her husband.

 

[UbiCaritas]

No enrollment. You can make a freewill offering there if you wish (to cover the meeting space rent and any materials available). I suggest going alone - it’s not couples’ therapy.

By the way, the recommendation that the OP go to Al-Anon is less about whether or not her husband is “really an addict” and more about how she has been reacting to him. Whether or not he’s addicted, her behavior has a lot in common with how family and friends of addicts behave. Al-Anon can help with that. It’s for her, not her husband.

This, exactly.

Re the meeting: nope, you go by yourself, and you can go anytime, no invite. They generally pass a basket at the end; a standard offering is $1, but no one will give you so much as an odd look if you don’t have cash on you or can’t swing it. The money, like pensmama said, covers rent for the space, the coffee that is usually served, that sort of thing. They’ll generally ask at the start or end of the meeting if there are any newcomers who want to introduce themselves; if you do identify yourself as a newcomer, someone will be assigned to talk to you after the meeting and explain a bit more/answer any questions you might have. The meetings generally last an hour.

 

[crai7]

Hello. I’ve been trolling CAF looking for answers… Not sure what I’m seeking: prayers, advice… I’m heartbroken.

10 years ago DH and I were still dating and I found out he watched porn. It devastated me at the timr but he loved me and he quit. I got past it, today we are happily married with 2 children and this past year we have really grown closer, after a lot of turmoil In our marriage. Finally, things were good. Really good. Then this weekend I discovered he was looking at porn again.

He said it was going on about 2 weeks and he was looking at it on his new smartphone after he found the “incognito” browser. Guys at work suggested it. I discovered the phone abandoned in the barn with the horrible pictures still on it. I confrontrd him, He was upset, ashamed, apologetic…said this was the first time it escalated to masturvation.

I don’t know what I did but I feel like I failed him. He is ashamed and mad at himself but is also accusing me of driving him to do it due to lack of intimacy (it had been a week). And he says I’m overreacting by being so broken over it, after all they’re"just pictures" and don’t mean anything… Ya know, “everyone else does it” and “_____'s wife doesn’t mind…”

The worst part is he knew what it did to me 10 years ago. How bad I hurt then, before my body was wrecked by having kids and aging. I can’t trust him right now. He knew it would hurt me deeply. And he was sneaky, hiding it in a browser I wouldn’t see or trace. I told him I felt like he was cheating on me and he blew it off as nonsense.

In a tirade I bawled and told him if I ever caught him again we were over, the kids and I would leave and make him sell the farm. I don’t want to leave him, I love him so much, but I don’t know if I can weather this if it doesn’t end now, today, cold turkey.

I installed mutual accountability apps on our phones last night, which he seemed a little irritated by.

How do I move past this? How do I make him understand why it kills me? I’m not a hot little 21 year old anymore, it seems like that’s what he wants and i cant be that person. I’m so lost and alone right now, he’s my best friend… I feel gut punched… I have nobody to talk to about it. I thought he was different. Better than that. How do I make him stop if he’s so aloof about it? He says he will but… I just don’t know. how do I learn to trust him again?

The problem is in fact related to how both Catholic and Protestant churches ignore God’s word. By having uncritically accepted ancient Roman political dictates - in relation to how marriage should function - we have opened Pandora’s box when it comes to sexual issues.

Men will look at other women, it is biological. The only restriction - an entirely reasonable one - is to not lust after your neighbours wife, as this leads to conflict with other men.

Once you realise commands related to lust do not apply to unmarried women, and you realise Jesus was in fact referring to married women in Matthew 5:27 it all makes sense. His command is in perfect agreement with the OT command “thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife.” Unmarried women are not part of this.

Otherwise the polygynous patriarchs described in the OT would have been sinning by merely looking at the unmarried woman they were about to marry!

 

[Trident_H]

The problem is in fact related to how both Catholic and Protestant churches ignore God’s word. By having uncritically accepted ancient Roman political dictates - in relation to how marriage should function - we have opened Pandora’s box when it comes to sexual issues.

Men will look at other women, it is biological. The only restriction - an entirely reasonable one - is to not lust after your neighbours wife, as this leads to conflict with other men.

Once you realise commands related to lust do not apply to unmarried women, and you realise Jesus was in fact referring to married women in Matthew 5:27 it all makes sense. His command is in perfect agreement with the OT command “thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife.” Unmarried women are not part of this.

Otherwise the polygynous patriarchs described in the OT would have been sinning by merely looking at the unmarried woman they were about to marry!

Ah so let’s get this right. It’s Ok to lust after young unmarried women. Just so long as you don’t lie panting in the doorway of your neighbor’s wife? And the only reason one is fine and the other’s wrong is because unmarried women don’t belong to anyone?

Eh? I don’t think you’ve given this a total looking-into. I mean so you’re cool with a bunch of old guys on your block drooling after your teenage daughter. Just so long as they don’t let that look linger when her mom comes home? And you’re chill with the idea that these guys could have all kinds of fantasies about her on the side? As long as it’s just your daughter?

Man. Lust is the problem here. Not the age. Not the status. It’s looking at people as if they’re supposed to fill you with something. Instead of pouring yourself out for them instead. I mean why would God think it adorable that guys would do what you’ve suggested? And then get angry when they push things too far by not only lusting after the younger girls. But also after the older married ones too?

I don’t know. I mean are you sure you meant what I think you meant?

 

[Farmerswife27]

The problem is in fact related to how both Catholic and Protestant churches ignore God’s word. By having uncritically accepted ancient Roman political dictates - in relation to how marriage should function - we have opened Pandora’s box when it comes to sexual issues.

Men will look at other women, it is biological. The only restriction - an entirely reasonable one - is to not lust after your neighbours wife, as this leads to conflict with other men.

Once you realise commands related to lust do not apply to unmarried women, and you realise Jesus was in fact referring to married women in Matthew 5:27 it all makes sense. His command is in perfect agreement with the OT command “thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife.” Unmarried women are not part of this.

Otherwise the polygynous patriarchs described in the OT would have been sinning by merely looking at the unmarried woman they were about to marry!

Wait… What?

Sure, Men will look at women at the store… Perhaps think to himself she’s pretty or even wonder what she looks like nude… I get that.

Married men shouldn’t be lusting and masturbating over nude women openly displaying their genitals… What if your wife did this over some college freshman… How would you feel? How is it OK if she’s single and he isn’t? Marriage vows are vows, no exceptions!