Moving out of my parents' house

[BlueEyedLady]

If she can’t afford to live on her own, then she isn’t at a point in her life where she can build a relationship that’s going to progress to marriage very soon.

Well, yes. That’s pretty much my point. To be able to build a relationship she has to be in charge of her own life. That means being able to afford to do so.

I was taking issue with the assertion that the right guy would persist through her current situation to be with her.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

That’s pretty much what my ex implied in his comments. It really sucks because unless someone’s actually been raised by Middle Eastern parents, they really won’t be able to understand just how difficult this situation is . I just wanted to note that they actually don’t have a problem with me dating now (high school was a different story, though), but they’d prefer that I don’t just “date for the sake of dating”. If I ever bring a guy home to meet them, it would be a pretty big deal. But of course, if I have so many restrictions, how on earth am I supposed to know if a relationship has long-term potential?

My parents were not middle eastern, but Sicilian. They were pretty strict, but became less so as I got older.

My father did not understand dating either. I remember introducing him to a guy who had invited me to a formal dance. I couldn’t really sneak out to the dance, so I invited him over to meet the parents in a totally “American” type fashion.

My father did not like him, he wasn’t polite enough or dressed properly enough. He had a fit after the guy left. Finally he said to me, well if you really like him, then I will let you get engaged.

I said, “Engaged? he only wants to go to a dance.”

So then he got angry again, that why was I wasting time if I didn’t want to marry him.

I think your experience is not very unique, and actually common among first generation Americans.

The film, “Big Fat Greek Wedding” is about the culture shock of changing the mores of one’s culture of origin. I found it very funny. But I married another Sicilian American. I’m not sure what would have happened if I had married an “Ian Miller”.

 

[starchick21]

My parents were not middle eastern, but Sicilian. They were pretty strict, but became less so as I got older.

My father did not understand dating either. I remember introducing him to a guy who had invited me to a formal dance. I couldn’t really sneak out to the dance, so I invited him over to meet the parents in a totally “American” type fashion.

My father did not like him, he wasn’t polite enough or dressed properly enough. He had a fit after the guy left. Finally he said to me, well if you really like him, then I will let you get engaged.

I said, “Engaged? he only wants to go to a dance.”

So then he got angry again, that why was I wasting time if I didn’t want to marry him.

I think your experience is not very unique, and actually common among first generation Americans.

The film, “Big Fat Greek Wedding” is about the culture shock of changing the mores of one’s culture of origin. I found it very funny. But I married another Sicilian American. I’m not sure what would have happened if I had married an “Ian Miller”.

Haha I love that movie! One of my favorites! And wow, it looks like Sicilian parents aren’t all that different from Middle Eastern parents

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, yes. That’s pretty much my point. To be able to build a relationship she has to be in charge of her own life. That means being able to afford to do so.

I was taking issue with the assertion that the right guy would persist through her current situation to be with her.

You are quite right. More to the point, wouldn’t you say that the right guy who is suited to be married to a physician and who is going to wait until she is out of medical school before their marriage would not be complaining that he can’t see her whenever he wants.

Having married someone who went into medicine, I have a news flash: Get used to that. I cannot believe how many spouses of physicians do not like to accept that life-saving and quality of care come before your social life. Male or female, that’s the life you choose, when you marry a physician. It is your vocation, not just his or her job, and the lives of strangers depend on it.

Seriously, many of my husbands’ friends had marriages that did not last because not all spouses “get” that people who are studying to be physicians and–another shock coming!–even more when they are actually practicing physicians do not get to socialize whenever they want to do it or in whatever way they want to do it. Sometimes, there is not a lot of time left between work and getting enough sleep and quiet time to recharge for work. Sometimes, socialization has to be short, and there are charts to do or preparation for tomorrow to do or a shift in a few hours, and there isn’t going to be a nice glass of wine.

A physician cannot help but ask that of their spouse. (The ones who deserve it appreciate it, too, because the self-denial they’re asking for is not self-centered and their caring is not confined to their medical practice.)

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

Hey guys! Here’s the situation. I’m a junior in college, and I’ll be turning 21 in a couple of months. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I’m strongly considering the idea of moving out. I recently came out of a brief relationship (only a month long, so I’m not too upset), and it’s given me some perspective on things. My now ex-boyfriend brought up the fact that he didn’t feel fulfilled in the relationship, and expressed how he wished I could just up and spend time with him whenever I wanted (Lord knows I really wished I could, but it’s tough when you live at home), and not have to make excuses to my parents whenever I did. They’re pretty strict with dating in general, so I’ve never really brought a guy home to meet them, and I probably won’t unless I think the relationship is getting serious. As such, I’ve never told them about any of my boyfriends. All three of my relationships have never made it past 6 months .

So the more I think about it, the more I feel my ex is right. I’m an adult, and I shouldn’t really have to “ask for permission” to go out or spend time with anyone. I should be able to just tell them what I’m doing, and let them know when I’ll be back. The only issue with moving out is that my parents are Middle Eastern immigrants (Chaldean Catholic). In the Chaldean culture, kids usually live at home until they’re married. I don’t think this is a good idea, and I certainly feel like I’ve been very sheltered and have previously felt unprepared to deal with a lot of things on my own. I’ve also been made to feel like less of an adult because I still live at home, so I think that finding an apartment near campus with some nice roommates would be a healthy thing for me to do. I already have a job on campus, so it’s only a matter of finding some other girls to live with and budgeting. Any advice would be helpful. I’m strongly considering talking to my priest, as well. My parents have the greatest respect for him. No rude answers, please! Thanks for taking the time to read all of this!

P.S.: I’m planning on going to med school, so I’ll more than likely have to move away when I do that. I figured I might as well see what it’s like living on my own now, when I’m at least living in the same state as my parents. I really want to be seen and treated as a grown woman, not as a child.

I would encourage you to move out. At some point, you have to cut the umbilical cord and try to be a functional adult. You have a plan in place, so you’re off on a good start.

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

If a guy truly wants to be with u, they will do so no matter where you live and will respect your upbringing and parents wishes.

Not necessarily true. Parents are not always the epitome of wisdom and love, and sometimes it’s necessary to disregard their wishes for our own benefit.

I do believe that independence is an important quality to look for in a significant other, whether they’re male or female. Being independent generally speaks well of a person’s maturity and self-sufficiency.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

When considering a serious adult relationship you really need to look at the persons ability to make decisions and take responsibility. If someone is still living like a child under their parents rules how can you know that they will be able to be a functioning adult spouse? It’s very risky. I would also worry that parents like this would expect to continue to be part of any decisions that should really be between the couple.

I wish parents like this would consider that their children need to become independent adults and that keeping them emotionally young will not protect them forever.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Haha I love that movie! One of my favorites! And wow, it looks like Sicilian parents aren’t all that different from Middle Eastern parents

I’m probably closer to your parents age, and my parents probably closer to your grandparents age. My Dad would be 83 in March if he were still alive.

But, I do empathize. Another thing my dad would do is when we were allowed to do something, like my sister being permitted to walk to the ice-cream shop about 10 blocks away, is he’d just coincidentally show up. Or drive by.

I remember being permitted to attend a church festival with my friends. I was about 14, and lo and behold, who was at the festival? My dad with my younger sister and cousin.