Moving Out of State--Major Marital Struggle

[E_7]

So if he apologizes before he has time or opportunity to demonstrate changed (or attempted changed) behavior, you withhold forgiveness until you have evidence? That can’t be what you mean.

Oh no, I forgive him immediately, but until he does something about it, I can’t know if he is being sincere or just an “I’m sorry” to get over it. I mean, we are less than 3 years married, and we still haven’t figured each other 100% like knowing what’s in our minds without saying a word.

 

[oldrover]

Oh no, I forgive him immediately, but until he does something about it, I can’t know if he is being sincere or just an “I’m sorry” to get over it. I mean, we are less than 3 years married, and we still haven’t figured each other 100% like knowing what’s in our minds without saying a word.

Okay, I figured something like that. I’m married 30 years this September… I remember how stupid I was three years into our marriage. It was relatively benign stupidity… but stupid nonetheless. Be firm with him, but kind. We men CAN be taught… it just takes time. And patience.

 

[Xantippe]

Greetings,

My wife and I have been married nearly 7 years and have three young children. I currently work 800 miles away from where we live, and God-willing, this is the company where I will work for the rest of my career (I use standby airline travel to go to and from work 1-2 times per week). I provide approximately 98% of the income to support our family. I have a highly specialized job in the travel industry, and we feel very fortunate that I am able to work for this company. Since I have finally (after several employers) reached the place where I hope to spend the remainder of my career, I am wanting to move to the city where I work, so that I am able to be home more with my wife and children.

Currently, when I travel to work, I lose about 24 hours of time at home with my family, and sometimes more, since I have to allow for backup flights should something go awry. When I travel home, it takes as little as 4 and as much as 40 hours to make the journey. All of the above transit time is during my off time, and is unpaid by my employer. In a typical month, I will be home 8-11 days, and completely gone, out of town, for the remainder. For perspective, I have attended Mass with my family in my home parish once in the past three months (Yes, I attend Sunday Mass in other towns while on the road for work).

Our oldest child is in kindergarten this year. I want to be present in the lives of my family, and I know that the current arrangement will cause me to miss 50% or more of the “events” a typical father/husband would plan to be there for. I fear that I will become an absentee father by default, an also-ran in the lives of my spouse and children. Naturally, my wife is quite overloaded with the challenge of trying to raise our children all alone with me being gone so often, which isn’t ideal, either. If we lived where I worked, it is possible that I would be able to be home every single night (eventually). It is certain that I would go from not seeing anyone in my household for ~20 days each month to only being “totally gone” ~10 days per month or less, immediately.

My wife is extremely resistant to a move. She is concerned that our children will be farther from their grandparents and cousins (currently an 80 minute drive away from us). We have had marriage struggles in the past, and she is concerned that I won’t be the loving husband she needs to lean on while she is so far from her family. At times in the past, I have let the stress of my work (and my commute) boil over and reflect on my family. While I am far from perfect, I recognize this tendency and am sincerely doing everything I can to improve. Over the past few years, I have improved a great deal, but I could always do better. We have discussed this many times, and she acknowledges this improvement (and accepts my sincere apologies). While I recognize the struggles of the past, I can’t help but feel depressed that my presence in the lives of my family appears to be less important than the presence of extended family.

When I am home, I pour my soul into my family, in spite of the small amount of time we have together. Predictably, we are both exhausted by this arrangement. The present arrangement is not sustainable in terms of stress level, health, or being the family man I have always wanted to be. There are no opportunities in my specialty in the area where we live.

I’m frightened of where this road leads, and would appreciate any advice you can offer. God bless you.

I sympathize with your wife.

You’re gone most of the time, and you want to move her away from her family, who is there for her when you’re not. You can only offer her another 10 days a month of you being around, but she would lose 30 days a month of her family being within reach–do you see how that’s going to sound like a really bad deal?

I think you need to put some more on the table. For instance, would the kids be able to go to better schools than currently? Would she be able to go visit family frequently/fly out her mom? Or would you be able to offer her more sitter time/preschool/parents’ day out/housecleaning help?

 

[Lorelei12]

You mentioned that “we feel very fortunate that I am able to work for this company”.

Is your wife as enthusiastic about your career as you are? I only wonder because you’ve mentioned that you have gone through some other employers and are in a good place, but how does your wife feel about it? Would she prefer that your job was less “highly specialized”, and is this something you talked about before you took this position?

My husband took a new position at work, which actually resulted in less pay. There have also been other job offers he has received over his time at this company (that he turned down) that would have been a nice improvement in income but less stability, and in a position he did not want. Each time, we have discussed it and made a decision together. If your wife was not part of the decision making, I can understand her resistance to move. If she was part of the decision and supported it, how did you discuss how you would deal with being gone more than half of the month? Was she on board with this arrangement, and did you discuss at that time the possibility of moving the family?

In the end, I agree that it is important for your family that you see your wife and kids more often. That can be accomplished one of two ways; you all move, or you take another job. It depends on what is best for your family as a whole. But if your wife isn’t as much a part of the decision making about your career as she would like, that deserves your attention.

 

[Xantippe]

Your wife - as you well note - is exhausted. She probably isn’t able to fully reflect and consider a move in her current state. ** So the first step (imo) is that you’re going to have to find a way to take time off and in doing so, give HER time off. Only you two will be able to figure out how much time that will need to be (hours, a day, a few days, etc). ** But when both of you are basically living hour to hour (what needs done now, where do I have to be now), then neither one of you have a chance to relax and remember who you, yourselves are - and definitely aren’t able to be an effective working couple.

And that’s my second thought - after she (and you) have had time to rest and regroup, then you need to talk with her about how to solve the problem. Moving might be the solution - but it’s not one you can force. I suspect that as logical as it all sounds in your post, you’re also suffering from some tunnel vision (btdt). If she doesn’t want to move, then discuss that - explain you need your family to be first, so what ideas can you come up with for creating an income you can both be happy with while living a lifestyle you can all thrive under. Surely she’s not happy with you being gone so much either - so she’ll probably agree that your situation can’t continue - but then enlist her help in brain-storming every other possibility.

With some rest and relaxation, hopefully she’ll be in a place where she can thoughtfully look at all the options and most likely see that moving would be the best for all of you.

If she insists on not moving, have her help you come up with ways of drastically reducing the family’s expenses to match whatever employment is available locally - and if she’s against that, then the ball really is in her court to come up with a better idea.

CJ

Right.

I think that’s a very important point about not being effective about problem-solving when totally exhausted.

 

[Xantippe]

From the wife’s point of view she is being asked to give up her support network and move to an unfamiliar place. Even if it would be better in the long run it’s not going to be easy for her. As said before this woman is exhausted and may worry how she will cope in a new place. Would visiting the area as a family be another option?

That is also smart.

Create some familiarity with the new place.

 

[Xantippe]

You also need to show her how the move is going to be accomplished. She cannot do it herself. Having said that, the first year of school is by far a better time to relocate children than after they make school friends. The time to move to your permanent job location has arrived.

That is another important point.

Pay for packers and make sure you have ample time available to assist with the initial post-move phase of unpacking. Two solid weeks of work is not unreasonable.

A woman by herself in a strange city with small children and little help could easily spend a year or more unpacking. After one of our moves, I discovered that we had stuff that had not been unpacked from a move 7+ years earlier.

 

[Xantippe]

You mentioned that “we feel very fortunate that I am able to work for this company”.

Is your wife as enthusiastic about your career as you are? I only wonder because you’ve mentioned that you have gone through some other employers and are in a good place, but how does your wife feel about it? Would she prefer that your job was less “highly specialized”, and is this something you talked about before you took this position?

Right.

This is probably your dream, not her dream, and she probably sees herself as making sacrifices so you can have your dream job, and now you want her to give up her family, too.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Right.

This is probably your dream, not her dream, and she probably sees herself as making sacrifices so you can have your dream job, and now you want her to give up her family, too.

That’s why I’d be curious what her ideal solution would be. He obviously spends an inordinate amount of time away from his wife and children, and she is leery of moving away from her family. What is her suggested “fix?”

 

[Irishmom2]

Right.

This is probably your dream, not her dream, and she probably sees herself as making sacrifices so you can have your dream job, and now you want her to give up her family, too.

His job provides for their family though.

**He **is part of **their family. ** It is not fair to say the OP wants her to give up her family. It seems to me that it’s okay for the OP to be without his wife and children, but not for the wife to be without her mom and dad? Come on, she is a grown woman. She will have her husband there now when she moves to him. Again, she is married to **him, **not to her parents and other family. Why is the husband to make the sacrifice of not seeing his children?

And before anyone asks, yes, I have moved with my husband and children, 6 times. No help from family or friends, just us, **our ** family.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

His job provides for their family though.

**He **is part of **their family. ** It is not fair to say the OP wants her to give up her family. It seems to me that it’s okay for the OP to be without his wife and children, but not for the wife to be without her mom and dad? Come on, she is a grown woman. She will have her husband there now when she moves to him. Again, she is married to **him **not to her parents and other family. Why is the husband to make the sacrifice of not seeing his children?

And before anyone asks, yes, I have moved with my husband and children, 6 times. No help from family or friends, just us, **our ** family.

Hubby and I met in a city where neither of us had family. Then we moved together to a city where neither of us even had any friends. That’s life.

I can’t believe he’s away from his family for 20 days a month and moving would instantly reduce it to under 10 and his wife isn’t jumping at the chance. Having her husband and the father of her kids live with them and be a part of their lives is more than enough reason to move. If she won’t for that reason, I can’t imagine what else could possibly sweeten the pot.

 

[pianistclare]

Hubby and I met in a city where neither of us had family. Then we moved together to a city where neither of us even had any friends. That’s life.

I can’t believe he’s away from his family for 20 days a month and moving would instantly reduce it to under 10 and his wife isn’t jumping at the chance. Having her husband and the father of her kids live with them and be a part of their lives is more than enough reason to move. If she won’t for that reason, I can’t imagine what else could possibly sweeten the pot.

That’s a good point.

 

[Xantippe]

His job provides for their family though.

**He **is part of **their family. ** It is not fair to say the OP wants her to give up her family. It seems to me that it’s okay for the OP to be without his wife and children, but not for the wife to be without her mom and dad? Come on, she is a grown woman. She will have her husband there now when she moves to him. Again, she is married to **him, **not to her parents and other family. Why is the husband to make the sacrifice of not seeing his children?

And before anyone asks, yes, I have moved with my husband and children, 6 times. No help from family or friends, just us, **our ** family.

There are other jobs and other industries.

The OP’s handle is “Wings”–I suspect that a lot of his identity is wrapped up in his profession. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just that sometimes, when people are pursuing their dreams, they forget how many sacrifices the people back home are making to help their dream happen…

I’ve changed cities repeatedly, too, and we’ve always lived 2,000+ miles from our families–BUT we have twice a month cleaning help, we had lots of sitters when I had two little kids at home, and the kids have gone to preschool and parents’ day out.

I suggest offering a trial move–they move to the new area (and the OP’s wife does not do the move alone!) and rent for a year, and if his wife isn’t happy with the new place, they move back. And stick to that deal.

If I’m understanding this correctly, it’s 10 more days a month of him being home at night–it’s not the full 20 extra days. She gets to be home without him and without her family within reach for 10 days a month. For a woman with a bunch of small children, that’s not a very inviting prospect.

His wife probably feels like she is sinking, and he is taking away her life preserver.

OP, sweeten the deal.

 

[bitterhope]

His job provides for their family though.

**He **is part of **their family. ** It is not fair to say the OP wants her to give up her family. It seems to me that it’s okay for the OP to be without his wife and children, but not for the wife to be without her mom and dad? Come on, she is a grown woman. She will have her husband there now when she moves to him. Again, she is married to **him, **not to her parents and other family. Why is the husband to make the sacrifice of not seeing his children?

And before anyone asks, yes, I have moved with my husband and children, 6 times. No help from family or friends, just us, **our ** family.

Exactly! We are supposed to form a new family with our spouse. It’s hard for me to understand people not jumping to move with spouses. prayinv got you and your family.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

There are other jobs and other industries.

The OP’s handle is “Wings”–I suspect that a lot of his identity is wrapped up in his profession. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just that sometimes, when people are pursuing their dreams, they forget how many sacrifices the people back home are making to help their dream happen…

I’ve changed cities repeatedly, too, and we’ve always lived 2,000+ miles from our families–BUT we have twice a month cleaning help, we had lots of sitters when I had two little kids at home, and the kids have gone to preschool and parents’ day out.

I suggest offering a trial move–they move to the new area (and the OP’s wife does not do the move alone!) and rent for a year, and if his wife isn’t happy with the new place, they move back. And stick to that deal.

If I’m understanding this correctly, it’s 10 more days a month of him being home at night–it’s not the full 20 extra days. She gets to be home without him and without her family within reach for 10 days a month. For a woman with a bunch of small children, that’s not a very inviting prospect.

His wife probably feels like she is sinking, and he is taking away her life preserver.

OP, sweeten the deal.

If he is in fact a pilot and she wants him in a new industry, she had better be prepared to get a job that pays well and right now. That sounds like a recipe for losing their home.

Also, her family is 80 miles away. She isn’t exactly losing a quick, easy babysitter.

Family before anything else. Right now, her husband is supporting their family with this job. It’s a cruelty to make him do it while living alone and not being a real part of his kids’ lives.

 

[Irishmom2]

Family before anything else. Right now, her husband is supporting their family with this job. It’s a cruelty to make him do it while living alone and not being a real part of his kids’ lives.

Yes, it is cruel. He will be missing a lot of their childhood. what sacrifice is the OPs wife making? Someone alluded to marriage being a partnership. As others have said, marriage is not 50-50, it is 100-100. What is the wife doing for her husband?

 

[oldrover]

The one year test drive is a great idea. Less daunting for her, and keeps him focused on his family.

 

[Irishmom2]

The one year test drive is a great idea. Less daunting for her, and keeps him focused on his family.

I agree, I think this is something the wife needs to do. For her husband, but also for their family life.

 

[Xantippe]

If he is in fact a pilot and she wants him in a new industry, she had better be prepared to get a job that pays well and right now. That sounds like a recipe for losing their home.

Also, her family is 80 miles away. She isn’t exactly losing a quick, easy babysitter.

Family before anything else. Right now, her husband is supporting their family with this job. It’s a cruelty to make him do it while living alone and not being a real part of his kids’ lives.

There’s no point in beating up on the OP’s wife if she isn’t here. If she were here, I’d tell her something different.

He needs to persuade her, not us. If she’s scared and overwhelmed by his current plan, he needs to tweak it until it’s something that they can both live with.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, it is cruel. He will be missing a lot of their childhood. what sacrifice is the OPs wife making? Someone alluded to marriage being a partnership. As others have said, marriage is not 50-50, it is 100-100. What is the wife doing for her husband?

Picking up the slack at home while he works at his dream job.

That’s a big deal.