H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
And she can document things too.
Like, his choice to be gone most of the time.
Anyway it’s putting the cart before the horse. This thread isn’t about a divorce and the maternal leaning courts.
- Status
Like, his choice to be gone most of the time.
Anyway it’s putting the cart before the horse. This thread isn’t about a divorce and the maternal leaning courts.
A
AClaire11
Guest
And his emotional abuse. Yeah she’s really living the dream
B
BlueEyedLady
Guest
If his choice is working and he’s the only one doing so, being out of town is more than reasonable. She married into his career, he didnt run away for this.
That’s exactly why he needs to start now. By the time he needs this stuff in his corner, it will be too late. He’ll be painted as the guy who wanted to be away all the time and never cared about his kids. “What move? You never talked about moving us out there with you!” is what she’ll say.
You’re a SAHD. If your wife’s job required her to live like this, would you really be ok with it even if it meant you got to hang out with your parents and buddies while she was gone? Or, would you move heaven and earth to live as a family while she earns the roof over your head and the food in your stomachs? Childcare can be moved pretty much anywhere. Good paying jobs on the other hand…
H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
It’s pointless to argue because that’s not going to happen.
But it would be an uphill battle for him given his choices.
I say this as the most involved father you will ever know. I do not make that claim lightly.
- Every father says he wants to be s better more involved family man. Many do not.
- Hypothetically if I were to get a divorce and go for custody I would be the textbook case for father’s rights, I’m with 5 kids 24 7, I homeschool and have been the primary teacher and caregiver for 11 years. And I wouldn’t be a slam dunk.
H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Also, I don’t remember the exact post but he said somewhere that nowthat the kids are older he wants to be more involved. It doesn’t work that way. One doesn’t wait until kids are older to up your involvement. There is no switch to flip when they turn six or something.
T
ThePCWife
Guest
No, childcare can’t be moved pretty much anywhere. Caregiver stability matters even when the caregiver isn’t a blood relation.
The wife’s situation is ugly and difficult. So is the husband’s. She has no “princess” thing going on. It’s weird for you to claim he can easily get 15 days with the kids in a divorce, but it’s completely impossible for him to do so now. Either it’s soooo easy and he should go ahead and make that change right now when it would be meaningful to the total parenting and marriage and also cheaper than divorce proceedings, or it would be hard in a divorce setting and not a slam dunk guarantee.
You’re really downplaying how difficult life with closely spaced children is when there’s no support network or other people to spend time with. The nuclear family uber alles model works until it doesn’t, and that’s usually after isolating a housewife with no help, no family and baby after baby.
B
BlueEyedLady
Guest
No one argued that. There’s a reason most custody is settled out of court. But, I’m saying, based on her behavior, it may not be his choice. He may find himself divorced, and if he wants to ensure the most time possible with his kids, it’s invaluable to start building a case for it now.
That does not preclude working on his marriage. But his wife seems to be trying to make everything but his paycheck irrelevant to her and the kids. He can’t allow that to happen.
By the way, if it ever looked like your wife might leave you and you wanted to make it work, I would still tell you to document. Otherwise it’s harder to counter “SAHD? You mean layabout!”
And it’s not just a man thing. Any woman who is concerned about being divorced against her will should do the same: document and see a lawyer. It’s pretty standard advice.
B
BlueEyedLady
Guest
He’s already home about 10-15 days a month now! What’s to “do”? She doesn’t hold all the cards here, and if one parent lives far away or works an erratic schedule, courts are more and more happy to work with that. For instance, I have a good friend who lives in SF and works 70 hour weeks as an actuary. He does this to take summers off to be with his kids. His ex wife doesn’t love giving them up all summer every summer, but they’re his kids too.
I’m not downplaying, but he’s offered a lot of choices and she refuses to consider any of them. This is not a woman who actually wants to be a wife.
Its selfish, and there’s no other possible word to use, to place your own desire to be within a few hours drive of your family of origin over your marriage and your spouse’s relationship with your kids. I don’t care how hard this is for her because that can be fixed. But, you can’t just substitute an in tact family that lives together.
And again, she married knowing it was his job. SAHP move for their spouse’s careers all the time. Yes, this is a case of just being spoiled.
How am I the only one who doesn’t think it’s outrageous for a housewife to refuse to follow her husband in his job that feeds the kids? Total insanity.
P
pensmama87
Guest
It is outrageous, but if the wife is depressed, that’s part of the nature of the beast.
I’m surprised you persist in ignoring that aspect of this. Especially given the OP’s posting history.
If the facts are as they’ve been written, I would not be surprised at all that with adequate treatment of the depression all these other problems basically go “poof.”
H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
I think it’s important to remember that we are getting the absolute one side of the situation. So an assessment of her actions or what she wants is not accurate.
I’m wary of a poster who states he wants to be so involved but has yet to do that and has chosen to be absent. Especially when his argument is to move her away from comfort and family when he isn’t sure if she is taking medication.
To your point though. I can see the wisdom of documenting things if you think they may go south. I’d give that advice to anyone.
It’s funny how the two of us can look at the situation and have completely different views of what the reality is, we are probably both way off.
A
AClaire11
Guest
Because she’s depressed and he’s been abusive up until recently! Yes, ideally this move should not even be an issue, but I’m not going to advocate for a deeply depressed woman to move away from her support system to be completely isolated with a “mostly recovered” abusive husband and still have to be a single parent for 1/4 of the month.
H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
lol how did we get to dividing the kids up in s divorce with a job we aren’t even sure he has!?
H
hurtandhealing
Guest
OP,
As a military wife and SAHM I agree with everything that Blue Eyed Lady has told you (and I believe that she works in law).
My husband provides for us and allows us to maintain our lifestyle. And we do everything in our power to stay together. I watch families around me choosing to be separated and can’t fathom it. He has to be away enough as it is - we stay together whenever we can.
I am not ignoring the depression or emotional abuse (does the marriage counselor agree that you were abusive?). We managed to stay in one location for over 6 years. About half-way through that time, my husband had a very horrific affair and was quite (emotionally) abusive to me during that time. I suffered from severe depression and PTSD afterward. But, the army did eventually tell us to move. I can’t describe how hard it was to leave my safe space. (And safety is the top priority for post affair victims.) I put on my big girl pants, reminded myself that I was married to the man, and made the (first of 3 post affair) move.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t really help you with your wife. I believe you should speak with a lawyer about your rights should she file. I believe you should document everything that you are doing. And I believe that you should love her like you haven’t before. At the same time, however you deem it best, continue to encourage the move. Be involved in Church activities - showing you will help there. Be active in counseling. Continue to research locations - especially things that are important to her. Can you find a location which would allow her to fly to her parents in a few hours?
As a military wife and SAHM I agree with everything that Blue Eyed Lady has told you (and I believe that she works in law).
My husband provides for us and allows us to maintain our lifestyle. And we do everything in our power to stay together. I watch families around me choosing to be separated and can’t fathom it. He has to be away enough as it is - we stay together whenever we can.
I am not ignoring the depression or emotional abuse (does the marriage counselor agree that you were abusive?). We managed to stay in one location for over 6 years. About half-way through that time, my husband had a very horrific affair and was quite (emotionally) abusive to me during that time. I suffered from severe depression and PTSD afterward. But, the army did eventually tell us to move. I can’t describe how hard it was to leave my safe space. (And safety is the top priority for post affair victims.) I put on my big girl pants, reminded myself that I was married to the man, and made the (first of 3 post affair) move.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t really help you with your wife. I believe you should speak with a lawyer about your rights should she file. I believe you should document everything that you are doing. And I believe that you should love her like you haven’t before. At the same time, however you deem it best, continue to encourage the move. Be involved in Church activities - showing you will help there. Be active in counseling. Continue to research locations - especially things that are important to her. Can you find a location which would allow her to fly to her parents in a few hours?
E
EnglishTeacher
Guest
Several people keep repeating that the OP has been abusive. Where in the thread does that information come from? The closest thing I can find is in the original post where he says that he has at times allowed the stress of his job boil over into his family life. That in itself does not translate into abuse, and it is unfair to paint such a picture of the OP without further information. (Or am I missing something?)
P
pianistclare
Guest
No, you’re right. It was a passing mention, and he also said that she acknowledges that he’s trying hard.
I would like to know what she is trying to do.
She’s acting like a child
Nobody wants to hear it, but yeah. She’s need to go where the job is, or get a job of her own and stay busy.
Idle minds and hands make many poor choices.
H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Yes, we might want to back away from that word. Though if asserted in a divorce it would be game over…::
We are leaping to conclusions a lot here. From divorce to his job, to the abuse
Perhaps we should stick with what we know. The op has a wife who is diagnosed with depression. He doesn’t know much more than that and is gone for voluntary work a lot. He wants to move for his job, she would rather stay where her support is.
P
pianistclare
Guest
I wish we know if she was doing anything to combat the depression.
Are her parents encouraging her to take her meds or get treatment?
Or is this something that helps her extreme need to stay near them at the price of her marriage? I can’t imagine that she has been diagnosed, and there is absolutely no improvement or discussion of the situation.
If he was depressed, I wonder how everyone would respond.
Are her parents encouraging her to take her meds or get treatment?
Or is this something that helps her extreme need to stay near them at the price of her marriage? I can’t imagine that she has been diagnosed, and there is absolutely no improvement or discussion of the situation.
If he was depressed, I wonder how everyone would respond.
A
AClaire11
Guest
He described himself as boiling over at her frequently due to work stress. If not emotionally abusive, it was certainly unhealthy and frightening for her, and I can understand it making her reluctant to move, even with improvements. Hopefully counseling will create progress once she begins to recover from her depression.
X
Xantippe
Guest
Right. It would be horrible to be trying to have to manage things home alone with little children for much of the month, and then when your husband finally comes home, instead of hugs and kisses, he takes out his anger and frustrations on you.
I imagine that might even be kind of traumatic.
E
EnglishTeacher
Guest
What he says is this:
Again, that’s not even close to enough information to be conclude that he was abusive or that she was “frightened.” We don’t even know exactly what it means, other than that it was negatively affecting their married life. Certainly it is a problem, but one that he is working on and that she acknowledges has improved.
- Status