Much Older Love

[m134e5]

I’m in college. He’s in his 40s.

Of course, I am worried. But I really think he loves me.

You have so much to experience in life- things that you will be excited about and enjoy- things he’s probably already done and couldn’t care less about anymore. You have lessons of life that you still need to learn- lessons that if he has not learned, there is a problem.

I have noticed many girls like older men. Men often take longer to mature than women, and younger women get frustrated when it seems all the guys their age just want to party and have sex. Older men may come along who are romantic, good listeners, and who offer emotional and financial security. Men like that can be good friends- but to try and be more than friends is probably unhealthy.

There are men out there who are close to your age, who are on the same page of life as you, who share your dreams and ideals. Pray that God will lead them to you, and you will find who you are looking for.

 

[LaLucia]

IF YOU HAVE TO ASK …THEN… THE ANSWER IS “NO”. Don’t marry him. If you marry him you might get bored with him and then meet a younger guy your age that you really like but you are already married. Then you will be stuck in a unhappy marriage.
Plus, what religion is he? What if he converts and then goes back to his own religion? Some people will say anything to get what they want and once they have that person they revert back to their real selves. I have seen it happen to young girls.

Wait until you are in your early 30’s to get married because by then you will be sure who you really want to marry and you have dated different guys and know for sure who you really want.

Another thing is… that Catherine Zeta Jones knew that Michael Doughlas is a “sex addict” when she married him. She made him sign a pre-nuptial ageement that she gets an extra million dollars
if he committs adultry and she decides to divorce him. He made it public that he married her because she was good in bed. Is that a good reason to get married?LOL.
This is real life in Hollywood. I live near Hollywood and know a lot of things about movie stars and their bad habits.

Hey college girl… stay single and you will find someone who YOU LOVE…not marry someone who says they love you. You don’t say you love him. You only said he loved you. That is the key to what is wrong with this relationship. It has nothing to do with age… it has to do with you thinking that he will take good care of you which is a good reason not to marry him.
Wait until you can take care of yourself financially…then you will be better able to say what you really want in a man.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I’m in college myself and I’ve always been attracted to older people (both for dating and as friends). HOWEVER, the age distance is between 3 to 6 years and these are only friends! Yeah, there was one guy I was somewhat looking at (we have a 2.5 year age distance), but we’re much better off as friends and even at 18, I still just got out of my parents’ house!

For me, the attraction is because I’ve always been intellectually mature and I was the first child in my immediate family, extended family, and my neighborhood, so I could only interact with adults. As a result, throughout my teens and, well, at least this part of my college career, most of my friends have been older.

For dating though? As a college girl, I’ve decided to give myself time before rushing into ANY relationship. I’ve got school (full time), work (which is nearly full time, depending on the week), the activities I do, church, looking for a summer internship, socializing with friends, and “ME” time. If I do date, it would have to be someone closer in age, with similar life experience.

Seriously, my parents are in their 40’s and while they certainly have their joie de vivre, their stage in life is so different! They’ve got jobs, friends, etc, grew up in a different time, have experienced life. I can’t even date my 22 year old guy friends because even though it’s not that much of a distance, they’re still at a different stage of life than I am (I’m in the middle of my second year, they’re graduating and moving onto jobs and such).

Give yourself time. As college kids, we’ve got some growing up to do

 

[lenni]

hehe…this dude sounds like Quil in eclipse. then jacob in breaking dawn…lolz…imprinting

 

[Serap]

I think a man in his 40s dating a college girl is creepy too. Even my husband (40) looks at college girls as “girls” and not women. DH may find their youth to be beautiful and sexy, but they are still kids to him. Even when my husband and I first met (me 30; him 32) he still felt that girls in their early to mid 20’s were too young for him. He wanted a companion, not a young girl.

When I was 20, I looked at men in their 30’s and thought how old and over the hill they were. It was when I hit 30 that I began dating men as much as 10 years my senior, but the age gap didn’t seem so big then.

I would get marriage out of your head until you are at least 25. You need to experience a bit of life first. This man is way too old for a young girl in her 20’s and it’s kind of creepy.

Stick to men in their 20’s. You can still find an older, more mature man in his 20’s.

If you marry this older man, you’ll end up changing his pull up diaper in 30 years

 

[whatevergirl]

It really depends on the age difference…if she is 22/23, and he is 42…I don’t see a huge issue with it, but just know Moonyen, that there are issues to think about with larger than 10 yrs age differences.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I have this issue myself…lack of a solid father figure would be my armature psychological guess.

Well then, we’re both agreed.

Moonyen, there’s a gal over in the Liturgy and Sacraments threads who married an older guy. He promised her everything would be rosy, and that they would baptize the children in her church (Greek Orthodox). Now she is pregnant, trying to finish her last year of college, and her husband wants the baby baptized Catholic, after he promised.

There is so much to consider here. Do you know if he’s been married before? Does he have to obtain a decree of nullity (annulment)? Does he have kids from other relationships/ marriages? How much does he make a year, plus bonuses? Does he want a prenup? Does he expect you to get pregnant immediately?

As for any man being able to take care of you- He’s older. He going to die a lot sooner than you in all likelihood. This does not even take into account that a man marrying a young woman when he is 40-ish and she is 20-something has a good chance of breaking up. You need to not only have a solid degree behind you, you need job skills (and these are beyond college classes). You need some time in a profession.

You can do as you wish, but the fact that you are asking strangers speaks volumes. I’d give him a pass for now, or at least NOT consider marriage.

 

[whatevergirl]

Good points burbs…

I have to admit, if my dd were 20…bringing home someone who is 20+ yrs older than her…he would get the third degree from dh and me.

 

[Catholic90]

Perhaps it’s the cynic in me, but what I see when I read this post is college student and college professor.

 

[cthulhubryan]

I’m 43 and when I see a “traditional” college girl (19-23) I think of my 15 year old (16 tomorrow! Pray for me) and therefore cannot imagine why someone my age would want to date someone that age (I am married and only “date” my wife) it seems WAY to creepy. Now If OP is a non-traditional student and is in her upper 20’s or lower 30’s then the creep factor is gone.

I also wonder about the prof/student possibilities.

My best advice to OP is to talk to a priest. First by yourself, and then bring the BF along to talk with the priest.

 

[iluvmybabies]

When I first married my nonhusband-exhusband- we were fresh out of hs…I knew what I wanted automatically a family…My ex is older than me several months, so we were in the same type of stuff…except I wanted a family he wanted to have fun! I was ready to settle and at first when we dated he “swore” he wanted the same things. I worked he did as well, then lost his job for whatever reasons, he blames me, of course. Then I got pg, then got another job and because I was ill he had to work extra hours, he got tired of that…I continued working he lost his job…Instead of looking for a new one he would be out flirting with his girl friends, and swimming, and spending all day doing nothing. It wasn’t fair for me to have to deal with that, me working and him doing nothing. He wouldn’t cook, or clean or anything at all! I would have to come home pg from work and do everything. Sometimes he would even forget to bring me lunch and pick me up after work. Several times he showed up hours later. It was very disappointing…

I wanted to party too, and have fun but I had responsibilities and those came first and then my wants and needs to him it was the other way around, it was always about him. Even after the children came, still about him. What about his feelings, his needs, his wants. We got into so much debt because all of his money was spent on him, and would blame me for money problems, always telling me how I would over spend on the children yet all of his vehicles had over 10s of thousands invested in them, while I had to withold myself from clothing and feeding my children???

I graduated college, it took him almost a decade to get his degree… People change…He swore he would marry me through our Catholic faith, yet as soon as we were civilly married changed his mind and stated I was his property…lol… and that we didn’t need GOD to bless our marriage… Obviously that didn’t last very long!!!

Before I was married I dated an older guy, He was 12 years older than me, and at first it was great, he was fun still, and since I was having fun as well it was a wonderful moment to have found a “responsible person!” I was mature for my age, as stated above, I raised my siblings so knew I was ready for a family early on…But he kept this reallllyyyyy close relationship with his ex so close he used to sleep in her house every day!!! He didn’t have a job and always portrayed her as this money hungry person and that’s why he never married but had children with her?? He didn’t even pay child support!!! Made me realize I couldn’t date men with children, something I would never be able to accept…My db sleeping in his ex’s or nonwife’s house??? Or having special benefits…??? I would have been insane to ever agree to something like that!!! I wasn’t that desperate!!!

 

[iluvmybabies]

My mother is 2 years older than my dad and super mature for her age…When they dated they were fun until she got married, she too was ready for a family my father wasn’t…He was a college/UN student, married and still wanting to party. Because my mother wasn’t into all the modern stuff she never went out with him and if she did, she would sit quietly in a corner while her husband was flirted on, drinking, partying etc… When he started working in his profession, the same thing, business meetings, late nights, parties, etc…She would stay at home and be the “house wife” she would tell me that was a woman’s place?! The husband went out and partied and the wife stayed at home took care of her home and children and that was it!! I was like EXXXXCCCUUUSSSEEE MEEEEE??? But I never agreed with her way of thinking sorry but I believe both have all rights as well…

Anyhow, it took him 5 kids, 1 miscarriage, alcohol abuse, beating up my mother, and 4 rebellious kids, for him to change at age 35… And this that they were/are devoted CATHOLICS!!! lol…But they worked things out, and now they both enjoy what most 50 year olds do, their companionship, their friendship, their love, whether or not their passion is still there, they can’t live without each other!!! They learned from each other their mistakes…And are trying to live peacefully and happily together in love…Watching their grandchildren grow…

And look at me now, dating a younger man…I still have to learn a lot of things, I have 3 children, and he has none. I have been previously married, he never has. We share a lot of things, have a lot in common, I am a goof and he is sometimes too, I am serious, he gets serious too, I am responsible, most occasions he’s not, I am a clown, so is he, I love partying he does too, I love dancing and singing, he’s learning to dance but can sing up a storm, He is a musician, I love music…I am aging faster he’s still looking super young… He can have children, I am having biopsies trying to find out what kind of problems I have…He’s thin and very physical, I am over weight trying to work out-miserably failing!! I am learning to have more patience, so is he, we are learning to deal with each other’s issues together as partners in a relationship, we have major family issues, he’s the black sheep as so am I, we love cartoons and can sit and watch with the kids for hours, he wants more children so do I, he is faithful Catholic and so am I…There are several issues with the faith that we are both learning since we were both raised a bit different than most Catholics as most of you know my posts…and situations!! I work, he did but lost his job so he babysits for me, and now found a new job, so back again he is going to support himself again!!! I have a college degree he doesn’t… I read a lot, he does but only gaming stuff!!! lol… He can take a computer apart and put it back together, I can’t…But I can administer things pretty well!! lol… It’s a struggle but he loves me and loves my children and I love him for everything he tries to be and is, for his passion and kindness, even though sometimes I am afraid about our situations economically, I have him there supporting me and helping me and that’s all that matters!
Together we are still learning to balance our checkbook!!!

I am not with him because I am looking for someone who’s got a house, and a nice ride, and money, I am with him because I love him! I have my own car, my own place, and I work to support myself and my children. YES I am poor and don’t have any luxuries and yes if I really wanted to I would definitely be looking for such qualities in a man, in order to live “better” but that’s not important, together we can achieve that. This way I am able to bring up my children humbly the way my parents did…Besides money doesn’t buy happiness, and yes you are correct at least you will live comfortably but material items you can do on your own… And that’s the point of having your partner/spouse, you work together for the family and your economical, loving, emotional, religious satisfaction…

Several friends married older men, they still wanted to party while their hubbys wanted children…They wanted shopping and time for themselves and hubby private time often, their hubbys wanted family time and children…

There are other men such as several coworkers whom married women their ages with same career interests they had children when they both wanted and as soon as they hit their mid 30’s left their wives for the new pretty interns who had the motivation and the drive to party and be active and have passion and sex drive and look pretty while their wives were tired, exhausted, from raising children, working and keeping a household together!!

So it depends…If you are looking for someone to support you, you will never be happy!!! Of course your husband should always “support” you in any and every way just like you should “support” him as well. It’s a 50/50 way, not just a one way relationship/marriage. Just like if you choose to work after you have children you may no one can tell you different! Etc… If you are looking for someone who will be a great companion and this man is a great friend, and you share compassion, love, passion, religion beliefs, etc…then by all means go for it…But remember hearts can change no matter what but it’s best to find someone at least that is faithful in his religion and is responsible at knowing about commitment and honor and love and will keep his promises…Instead of hoping he does keep them…and you have to be in it with love not just benefit…

Good luck and may GOD bless!!!

 

[bella5]

My daughter is in a similar situation except she is 19 and he is 30and he is a progressive Catholic which I really don’t like. We are extremely Traditional and I am afraid he may confuse my daughter about the Faith. I don’t know what to do and my husband is against it and I support my husband in his decision. But I have been praying for God’s will been done and to align our will with His. My problem isn’t really his age because when I got married I was 18 and my husband was 25 but my problem is the way he understands the faith. I don’t know what’s worse the age difference or his progressiveness.

 

[Cajun_Girl]

I swore to myself that I would never date anyone more than 10 years older than me. So God, in his infinite wisdom, decided to teach me a lesson about how pointless making plans can be: he gave me a husband 10 years, one month, older.

Seriously, though, this situation reminds me of when I was 16 and started dating a 27-year-old. I was mature (in some ways), and the guys my age were still telling booby jokes. He told me everything I wanted to hear, and he was so mature and smart. Then I realized that he was extremely manipulative (the more so because I was so young and inexperienced), had no interest in knowing anything about me, and was last seen flirting with a 12-year-old.

I know that the OP isn’t 16, and maybe she has met a really nice guy. Just saying that this sort of situation demands a whole lot of caution. I can’t imagine my 40-year-old husband being interested in a 20-year-old, and in fact he usually refers to them as “little girls.” You do have to wonder if a man that much older is really looking for an equal companion if he’s showing interest in someone that much younger than he is.

 

[Calliso]

As someone in a so far very successful marriage to a man 19 years older then I am I have a different opinion on this then many people here. First of all I donlt think it;s neccessarily disturbing for a man in his 40’s to be interested in a woman in her 20’s. I mean if he is just looking to use her like some trophy wife or something then yeah. But once again lets not assume he has evil motives on his mind here. But my marriage is working out just great and to be honest I donlt think a marriage much less any sort of relationship other then maybe friendship at most and even that… with a guy my own age would have worked. Unfortunately in my experience 99% of the guys my age are super immature they basically act like they are still in highschool or worse middle school. And sure that is great for a girl who wants to go out partying and what not, but I wasn;t like that. Never had any interest in going out to bars or clubs or anything like that.

Course I still think she should be cautious, get to know the guy even better and let her mind and not emotions make her final decision. She should also take into consideration the fact that especially later on in life the age difference might have some more physical issues to it. It is one concern of mine actually. I know that more then likely I will be a widow at a relatively young age especially considering that typically women already live longer then men. And it makes me sad to think of that but you know you can;t guarentee anything in life. I could have married someone my age or even younger and they could get in a car accident tomorrow. And I love my husband and he loves me very much and I figure lets enjoy what we have now and worry about the distance future later. Just an opinon from someone living in a large age difference marriage!

 

[Ruthie]

I, too, wonder.

Some May-December romances work out well.

But - where did the OP meet this guy? If he’s not a professor, was he hanging out at college watering holes? Both would raise big red flags for me.

Most of the time, when older men hang out with younger girls, it means they don’t want to be involved with a grown-up.

When the guy starts promising you the moon, and “says he will do whatever it takes to marry me, love me, care for me, and respect me like I deserve,” it sounds to me like he wants to build a fence around you - and does not want you to grow up. And you *will *grow up. What will he do then?

It also sounds to me like he’ll promise you anything to get you to do what he wants. That is NOT a good sign.

And if he is already married, and is telling you all this - run away. Far away. A guy that would leave his wife for a college kid is a guy who will leave his wife for a college kid.

God bless you,

Ruthie

 

[Ramalama]

Seriously, though, this situation reminds me of when I was 16 and started dating a 27-year-old. I was mature (in some ways), and the guys my age were still telling booby jokes…

Hey, wait a minute. I’m 65. Are guys supposed to stop telling . . . Oh, never mind.

 

[Calliso]

I have often pondered why many young women are so flattered and taken by older men? I admit…I was taken by my husband being 10 yrs my senior.

I wonder what it is?

It depends on the woman. But in my case it had a lot to do with maturity and stability. And I think it also has a lot to do with the fact that 99% of men at least in my experience that are under lets say 25-27 act like they are still in highschool or worse middle school. And yes if you are a girl like that maybe it;s not so bad. Personally though I wasn;t the partying fooling around hanging out at bars kinda girl. And I didn;t want to marry a guy my age and end up basically playing the parent until he reach 30 or something and grew up a little! Just my opinion

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Personally, if a guy is old enough to be my dad… BLECH!!!

Creepy creepy creepy.

Obviously, there will always be the exception to prove the rule, but the majority of “older” guys who seek out** young girls have issues.

**I think back to when I was in my late teens/early twenties. I was very mature, level headed and just didn’t seem to fit with my own age group. But I am now 32 and can look back and see that, no matter how mature or intelligent, a person is not the person they are going to become at that young of an age (again, I know there are exceptions).

Experience is a very wise teacher. Most college age people just don’t have much experience of the real world under their belt yet.

It is our culture. Generations ago, people wouldn’t bat an eye at an age difference of 20+ years… older men marrying younger women, or even girls, made sense. The culture wasn’t so diverse as it is now with so many careers, experiences, and opportunities as it is now. Back then, if you were ready to be a mother, you were ready to be married.**

So, I think the OP needs to answer some tough questions first. Starting with how they met, if he is/was married, does he have children, do her parents even know…etc. Oh, and actual ages would be nice:thumbsup:

 

[Moonyen]

This guy is a good guy. He refuses to even think about touching me until I am married (both our rule, not just mine or his). He wants to get married and start a family, but says education for me comes first. He asked me forthright if I was worried about his age, answers all my questions about him (I ask a lot), and we have so much in common. He has never been married, but has been in several long-term relationships, even being engaged; he is not afraid of commitment.
I realize that he will pass away long before I do, and I know he will eventually start falling apart, but I feel no reservations taking care of someone that I love. And I do love him.
He does not view me as a young girl that would be an easy conquest (if he did, we would never had talked for more than five minutes). He views me as a mature woman who has the misfortune of being trapped in a young body (his words).
I still appreciate all your comments and will be rereading them many times. I have years to worry and wonder before crunch time comes.
God bless.