Much Older Love

[SomeCatholicGuy]

That may indeed be the truth, SCGuy. I don’t know and I don’t care. I am but one woman and I do not speak for the entire Sisterhood. Neither do you, by the way.

You should care, because if you didn’t, you shouldn’t be posting in this thread in the first place. I’m not telling you whether you can or cannot do something; what I’m saying is that even if you don’t think you’re giving advice, the OP will take whatever you say into consideration, whether you intended it or not. If you didn’t care, you would indeed be doing the OP the biggest disservice.

However, you have either completely missed, or passed over, the point of my post - whether or not they are or you are or you think they are is not the issue I am addressing.

No, I didn’t miss it. I choose not to respond to it, because I didn’t want to get into a fight that I had no intention of starting.

Do not be sorry I am offended - I am not.

Thank you. That was not my intention.

There is little point in saying “peace” at the end of a post where you have insisted on using a word I requested that you refrain from using, using it twice, and shouting it in capitals to boot.

I stand by everything I’ve said. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to refrain from using that word, because I would be doing the OP - and everyone else who feels this way - a disservice.

Peace.

 

[Guitar]

You should care, because if you didn’t, you shouldn’t be posting in this thread in the first place. I’m not telling you whether you can or cannot do something; what I’m saying is that even if you don’t think you’re giving advice, the OP will take whatever you say into consideration, whether you intended it or not. If you didn’t care, you would indeed be doing the OP the biggest disservice.

No, I do not care, nor “should” I in this case, what the rest of womanhood might or might not think. It has no bearing whatsoever on anything I might have to say woman-to-woman to the OP, which will be based solely on the facts of my life as I have lived it, for her to take or leave as she finds appropriate and helpful. She has had plenty of advice here from people who have not walked this particular walk, I have walked it, and womanhood’s collective opinion, as asserted by you, does not alter the facts of my life. I have given no advice. If you or the OP cannot see the difference between advice and a factual statement that my personal experience is different to many assertions made in this thread, then that is not my issue.

No, I didn’t miss it. I choose not to respond to it, because I didn’t want to get into a fight that I had no intention of starting.

There is little point in saying you don’t want to get into a fight you didn’t wish to start and then continuing to shout “CREEPED OUT”. You’ve been asked to stop, the request has been seconded by another poster, you keep shouting it, looks to me as though you are actually quite prepared for a fight.

I stand by everything I’ve said. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to refrain from using that word, because I would be doing the OP - and everyone else who feels this way - a disservice.

Peace.

There is no peace, SCGuy, in repeatedly stating that you will continue shouting a word that is not necessary to any genuine point you wish to make, that you have been asked to stop using, and that request has been agreed to by the other poster in my shoes. You did not offend me personally by anything you have said so far but your behaviour is now becoming offensive. If you really - seriously! - feel you must keep shouting “CREEPED OUT” otherwise someone will be done a disservice, well, good luck single-handedly saving the universe from itself is all I can, and all I will, say from here.

Moonyen, if you are still reading, I got your PM and will respond in the next day or so. Further participation for me here will obviously only provoke “stuff” which is of no help to you in calmly and rationally discerning whether or not you have a future with this man.

 

[Serap]

sorry guys, but I too think the act of a man looking for romance from a girl old enough to be his daughter is creepy too.

That being said, I have heard of relationships where the woman is much younger than her husband and it has worked out well and I would not call those couples “creepy”.

When I was in university, myself and all of my friends thought guys past 35 were old and over the hill and we wouldn’t have considered dating them.

I am 37 now and if a 57-60 year old man approached me romantically, I would find it very creepy; I’m just being honest.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Guitar, I’m not going to respond any further, since this is getting nowhere. Peace.

 

[Guitar]

sorry guys, but I too think the act of a man looking for romance from a girl old enough to be his daughter is too.

OK, assuming I can say this without WWIII restarting … it seems to me the discomfort factor for many of you is in the “young enough to be his daughter” thing and I’ll offer another thought for consideration. Not sure I can word my thoughts very clearly, but here goes.

When a man has, say, a 20-year old daughter, he is possiby going to see a 20-year old girl as “someone my daughter’s age” and react to her as he would his daughter i.e. in a completely non-sexual way.

A man who does not have children does not have this in-built yardstick - he is not a father, he hasn’t had that particular “life experience”. Why should he necessarily respond to a 20-year old girl, who is in fact a young woman and not a child or young teenager, as a daughter figure if he’s never had children? If you have not raised a family, once a young woman is an adult, you might not have this in-built reason for not seeing her as an eligible date if you are compatible as people.

Even if a man does have children, he doesn’t necessarily have to see all young women of that age as daughter figures. She might be young enough to be his daughter, but she isn’t.

Maybe some of you feel discomfort because you have children, you react to people your children’s age as you to do your own children, this means you could never be romantically attracted to anyone of that age group, and you are perhaps projecting these (quite reasonable) feelings onto men who pursue age-gap relationships and therefore feeling the attraction is unnatural because you assume the man is proceeding in violation of what for you is a natural barrier to sexual attraction.

Is that the case for some of you?

Note: I am asking whether it is, not stating that it is, in the interests of understanding. I’m just wondering whether we expect non-parents to react like parents and all parents to see young adults as child figures.

Disclaimer: I am NOT talking about the kind of relationship Malia described nor relationships involving girls who are not adults yada yada yada yada.

 

[AHapka]

sorry guys, but I too think the act of a man looking for romance from a girl old enough to be his daughter is creepy too.

I am 37 now and if a 57-60 year old man approached me romantically, I would find it very creepy; I’m just being honest.

Well, then I guess for curiosity’s sake, part of what the OP should answer is who persued who. That never has been stated from my reading of it…

 

[Moonyen]

We both hinted at deep emotions for a long time. One day he asked why I worried about him so much. I told him because I cared. The next day he said he had been thinking about it and wanted to know if I was falling in love with him. I told him the idea scared me. The next day we were discussing emotions and I told him I was conflicted. He asked about what, and I told him about all the confusing emotions I was having for him: fear (because of his physical age), worry (because I worry about everything), heartache (because he sounds so lonely and doesn’t realize he is lonely, and because he is mourning the death of his father from a year and a half ago), amusement (because he’s got an amazing sense of humor), and love (need I say more?). He told me that his feelings were similar: worry, heartache, and love. Then we had a lengthy discussion on the very remote possibility of a relationship that would work, about keeping an open and honest mind for each other, and about keeping our hearts open for God.

 

[lovemysix]

I’m truly curious----for those of you who think that dating and/or marrying a man old enough to be your father is “creepy” under any circumstance, how do you feel about the fact that church tradition has given us the idea that Joseph was in his 30s or so and Mary was around 13 when they married? Does that bother you? Is your “creepiness” radar only up nowadays because of the society we live in, and in the past you would have considered it to be okay? Because even though we know Mary and Joseph were not actually having sexual relations, those who lived around them surely assumed they were and apparently weren’t bothered by it.

So is it just because of societal norms (given our society these days, I’m not sure that’s a very accurate term----what’s normal nowadays, anyway ) that you feel this way? Or do you feel that a big age gap is some sort of absolute “creepiness” that can never be good under any circumstance?

Lauren

BTW, I agree that old men leering at 13 yr old would creep me out, too. But I think there are also situations where a big age gap in a relationship (provided BOTH parties are mature ADULTS and capable of making mature decisions) means absolutely nothing.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I’m truly curious----for those of you who think that dating and/or marrying a man old enough to be your father is “creepy” under any circumstance, how do you feel about the fact that church tradition has given us the idea that Joseph was in his 30s or so and Mary was around 13 when they married?

**
For me personally it is about our current culture. Everything is so sexualized and most of it features “young” women as the object of desire. It seems to create an environment where the “perfect girl” is in her late teens or early twenties and no matter how old a guy is he thinks that is the “ideal”. So, as men age, they tend to forget that women do as well and keep pursuing/being attracted to that ideal instead of a real person.

And, to answer a previous question, I do think it has a lot to do with whether or not the older man is a father. I know that a lot of guys change their perspectives on women once they have daughters (and I think that’s a good thing!). But some don’t and I think that’s where creepy comes into play.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that young women are objectified. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t god men out there who just happen to fall in love with a younger woman. That isn’t the same. To me it is all about the “ideal” and the seeking out of that type of woman.**

 

[lovemysix]

I do get what you are saying Malia, and I agree with a lot of it—certainly the fact that our society is totally fixated on sex. However, I’ve always wondered if the fact that men are often attracted to younger women isn’t something rooted in a much deeper biological reason. Younger women’s bodies (I’m not talking girl here—I do mean a fully-developed woman) are generally in better shape to reproduce. It’s always made sense to me that therefore, men would be biologically more attracted to younger women. Now, grant you, I believe we are much more than animals and should be able to rise above sheer biological urges. But I have a hard time faulting men for being physically attracted to young beautiful bodies because I think biologically that is probably programmed into them.

I’m not in any way condoning objectifying women’s bodies and using them as playthings, but I guess I just believe that mere physical attraction to the young and beautiful is probably something built into us as part of the survival-of-the-fittest instinct.

Sorry, OP, I realize I’ve gotten a bit OT.

Lauren

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

But I have a hard time faulting men for being physically attracted to young beautiful bodies because I think biologically that is probably programmed into them.

I

**
I agree! It is the obsessive objectification that has made what could be a “good” into something “creepy”.

I am not saying men shouldn’t be able to feel a normal, healthy attraction to young woman. But feeling an attraction towards is far different than pursuing…**

 

[TLM08]

I’m in college. He’s in his 40s.

Of course, I am worried. But I really think he loves me.

Honey… He is (or is going to be) using you for sex. Believe me, I am a man approaching 50 years of age and men of our age do not seek college girls for a meeting of the minds. At this age, men seek young women for SEX! He’ll tell you anything to get “it” and show you off to his buddies! Run like crazy young lady and find yourself a nice catholic guy under the age of 30.

 

[Serap]

**
I agree! It is the obsessive objectification that has made what could be a “good” into something “creepy”.

I am not saying men shouldn’t be able to feel a normal, healthy attraction to young woman. But feeling an attraction towards is far different than pursuing…**

I agree. My husband (40) is attracted to young women in their late teens/early twenties and that’s healthy. He’s human! But, for him to actually have a strong desire to pursue them…that’s when it becomes .

Sorry, but I can’t think of any other word to use.

 

[JPUSC]

I agree. My husband (40) is attracted to young women in their late teens/early twenties and that’s healthy. He’s human! But, for him to actually have a strong desire to pursue them…that’s when it becomes .

Sorry, but I can’t think of any other word to use.

Snip! Hahaha!!!

 

[masha]

To the OP,
You seem to have a head on your shoulders, I think that you’ll be fine working out this relationship, whether it works out or not. I know a wonderful couple who are about 15 years apart in age, they have a beautiful, healthy marriage and fantastic kids. Pray a lot, trust God, and keep up with the questions.

For everyone who insists on describing this relationship as “creepy”…you keep refering to older men who leer at or lust after young women, isn’t it just as creepy when young men leer and lust. I have been hit on by both old and young men, both attractive and decidedly unattractive and it isn’t the age at all that is the creepy part, it’s the attitude. If the man is respectful, it’s not creepy, if he is, he can be a good-looking young guy and I’m disgusted. You’ve really got no reason to assume this man is a predator, but you write about him as if you’re sure he is.

Masha

 

[whatevergirl]

I think the intentions of the person are what would make it ‘creepy’ or not. Not just the age factor. I have known many guys my own age back in college, who were downright creepy…and to the poster who said that he is only after sex…so are many guys her own age! haha Probably more so in some cases.

But, what I would think more than anything, is that a much older man would want to control the much younger girl. That is not creepy, as much as just reality of it. Or he might want to capture his own youth more. But, he could just be a genuinely nice man who just digs girls half his age. Stranger things have been known to happen, right? So…I don’t see anything wrong with the OP’s scenario…unless he is a) your professor than my answer is NO! or b) you are 17 or 18 and he is 45. That is a little too odd, that a 40 something year old man wants to date a teen…

Hey, but remember Jerry Seinfeld? I think he attended his gf’s prom when he was in his late 30’s no??

 

[Methodi]

I am a young person, I know, but I have fallen in love.

He is not Catholic, but says he will do whatever it takes to marry me, love me, care for me, and respect me like I deserve. I believe he would even convert for me. However, I am worried that he doesn’t realize all that it means to be Catholic.

I am also worried because he is much, MUCH older than me.

Can this relationship work?

Thank you to all who respond.

something you cant predict, only time will tell

 

[iluvmybabies]

I think that if she really loves him, which I didn’t really read that anywhere maybe I am missing it??? Somewhere?? But anyhow if she really loves him then age shouldn’t be a problem or an issue but if she just wants to make it work because “he” loves her, then I don’t think it’s fair for either one…Because she’s giving him false hopes about loving him and she’s giving herself false hopes about just settling when she could give herself the chance to find “true” love…

So if she’s in love with him then girl GOD bless and hope everything works out, love conquers all, and as long as both of you remain close to GOD age shouldn’t be a barrier for love…I know many whom are 15+ years apart and are happily married, even though they are of different “stages” they get along perfectly well, they compliment each other, like salt and pepper, each one goes well alone and can make anything by themselves great, but together make it even better!!

But if there’s no love towards or for him then the best thing for you to do is to just, you know, move on…

God bless and good luck!