My 13 yr old daughter informed me she is not Catholic anymore

[lenni]

hey
ok in my opinion - I think you should be careful with who she hangs out. Often, more than 80% of the time, one’s external influences impact one’s own judgement. And to make it even worse - society enforces such things as gay rights etc etc. I dunt know if this will help but try reading - Cassie Bernal’s book - She said Yes! Cassie completely abandoned the faith and then came back by the help of her friends who she could relate to [because they had been in a similar sought of position to her and discovered that they needed god to fulfill them]. Thus these influences, eventually opened her eyes to the faith.
im not saying get rid of your daughters friends. but try introducing her to people who were in her position and now have found motivation to continue. Hopefully she will come around. O and dont forget prayers!!! much needed…

• Lenni

 

[DaughterOfLight]

Has she been Confirmed? If not, I’d recommend enrolling her in classes ASAP. The Graces received in the Sacrament would do her good.
I second the Homeschooling option… It worked wonders for me!

Praying for you and your daughter…

 

[lenni]

wel…
mmm…i personally dont think homeschooling would be the best option because you aren’t fixing the problem directly. Rather, i think your putting more fuel in the fire by homeschooling her. I mean 13yrs upward - your gonna soon have an adolescent on your hands. Trust me, the kid is gonna be more rebellious if you shut her connections down. Plus homeschooling is not gonna make her change her opinion. It will make her passion even stronger (yes, this is what happens to rebellious adolescents - including sometimes myself) You need to attack the situation, not go around it! I say try the approach that i suggested previously! I also suggest maybe a good church youth group. but start small before trying the yg.

• Lenni

 

[proudnifi]

I think the posters who urge you to speak to her intellectual hunger are right; it’s what I wish had been more available to me at her age. I know I was a trial for my mom and even back then I wished I could have spared her that. My parents did have house rules that included mandatory mass attendance; it didn’t kill me and in retrospect I’m glad they did that. I wish you luck.

 

[Mirdath]

Much of the advice in this thread will probably do more to keep your daughter away from Catholicism than a personalized declaration of anathema.

I have a lot of experience in falling away from the Church

The most important thing to remember is that this isn’t your fight, if it’s a fight at all. You’re her mother, not a divinely appointed spiritual commando (last I checked those tend to be depicted with wings and flaming swords and have to warn people not to have seizures when they show up at dinner). You have, I presume, raised your daughter in the faith to the best of your ability; you can’t be responsible for her spiritual well-being forever, and from the sound of it it’s time to start letting her take charge of that. Thirteen may be a bit earlier than is usual, but then you said she was precocious

You’ve done your job raising her. This doesn’t necessarily mean rest on your laurels; those who’ve recommended praying through St Monica have it right from the Catholic perspective. But the time for direct action is past.

Don’t threaten to remove privileges (like Christmas presents), it will only make her resent you, and by extension your faith.

Don’t belittle her thoughts, ideas, or beliefs; you will be repaid in kind.

Don’t ‘smack her upside the head’. I hope the poster who suggested this wasn’t being serious, but it’s hard to tell. Results will be disastrous, the cops will be involved, and not by bringing her back either.

Don’t cut her off from her friends and peers. I would lay money that nobody talked her into thinking anything she wasn’t already; doubt comes from within.

Don’t be a passive-aggressive evangelist and hide sacramentals in her belongings. It’s disrespectful, it’s superstitious and abusive of your own faith, and above all it’s criminally tacky.

And if she comes to Mass, request that she not receive out of respect – with the understanding that that respect is mutual. I have mixed feelings on requiring attendance (tending mostly towards ‘bad idea’); forced lipservice is yet another source of antipathy towards religion that doesn’t have to be there.

And now that the ‘thou shalt nots’ are out of the way, here’s what you can do that may help Full disclosure, none of these have worked on me, but who knows what may happen?

Pray. St Monica’s been mentioned. You don’t even have to tell your daughter you’re praying for her (personally, I find that sort of ‘oh, I’m praying for you’ thing repulsively sanctimonious), just do it and put your worries in other hands.

Give her reading material. Avoid the ‘proofs of God’ schtick and other obvious evangelism though, if she’s anything like me (and it kinda sounds like it) she’ll have a grand old time poking holes in it and you’ll be back at square one. And ditch Pascal right off. The idea here is to make a case for religion not by reason but by hope and love and all that. Personal favorites here are Dostoevsky’s The Dream of a Ridiculous Man, Balzac’s The Atheist’s Mass, and Bulgakov’s The Master and Margarita (parental advisory on that last). Best of all, the worst those can do is inspire her towards humanism I’d only recommend religious reading material if she’s interested in it, and if so go for the shotgun approach and let her see what people have thought about the divine in all kinds of times and places and cultures.

Show why faith is something to be desired in the way you live your life. As St Francis said, preach the gospel always, use words when necessary. Words are rarely necessary to get the point across – in fact, it’s better if you aren’t trying to make a point at all. Let your light shine, don’t stab people in the eyes with lit candles.

It may seem like you can’t do much to bring her back into the Church (especially compared to how much you can do to royally screw things up!), and, well, that’s true – but you’ve tied your camel, now it’s time to trust in Allah

 

[Writer]

I think the key is to find a way to open communications with her. You might try reading some books together. My daughter’s a bit older than yours, and we still enjoy reading aloud to her and our son. There are things you might select that would stimulate her mind and imagination in a way that would perhaps make her more receptive to the truth of Scripture and God’s Church. If she is unsure of whether she believes in God, something by C.S. Lewis might be a good start–from the timeless children’s stories to his nonfiction works exploring the dimensions of our faith. It was, after all, a good Catholic named Tolkien who was largely responsible for bringing that lost soul back home.

It’s in a different vein, but she might be old enough to take something away from the book What’s So Great About Christianity by a Catholic writer named Dinesh D’Souza. It’s a remarkable book that likely addresses many of her concerns. If she doesn’t want to hear it, you should still read it. While you’re at it, if you can manage to get in any of Saint Augustine’s Confessions, she might be able to benefit from that saint’s wisdom and the story of his conversion to Christ.

If you have any influence about her activities, I would suggest restructuring things a bit so she doesn’t attend the “gay/straight” group as often. The influence of those members on an impressionable child could be responsible for a lot of the issues. This would need to be handled carefully, though, or you risk pushing your daughter further away–as the previous poster warned.

As others have said, though, the most important thing is to pray, pray, and pray. God bless.

 

[zaramarie81]

Has she been Confirmed? If not, I’d recommend enrolling her in classes ASAP. The Graces received in the Sacrament would do her good.
I second the Homeschooling option… It worked wonders for me!

Praying for you and your daughter…

Hmmm. May I pipe in here? I wasn’t Confirmed til I was in my 20’s because it’s my understanding that Confirmation is the Sacrament where one officially declares the Catholic faith as their own faith, intends to take responsibility for their commitment to the Church, desires to embrace spiritual maturity, and becomes a “soldier for Christ.” It doesn’t like the OP’s daughter is ready to make that commitment at all.

I, like the OP’s daughter, was not sure about Catholicism at the time my peers were being Confirmed. I felt it would be disingenuous to be Confirmed when I did not consider myself Catholic, and insisting on Confirmation could really send the wrong message. Just as we cannot receive the graces of Eucharist if we are in a state of moral sin, I would be hesitant to receive any Sacrament without the right intentions and proper preparation. I cringe at the thought of this girl making promises to God she doesn’t intend to keep!

I definitely would encourage giving her resources and a “safe haven” to explore the faith and all her questions, but would not push Confirmation if she is not ready to make that commitment. She has the graces from her Baptism.

 

[fancyfrancie]

I agree with Murdath!

Having been exactly where your daughter is I can tell you what my family did for me.

First and foremost, they did not try to change my mind about my faith. One reason is that at 13 the more they pushed, the more I would push. Anything they tried to force I would fight tooth and nail. Those are things I generally didn’t let go of for years, just out of spite. In other words, accepting my choice was how they did NOT drive me away.

Second, they supported my search for faith. This was essential for me. If I wanted to know about Mormons, my mom helped me look it up at the library. When I wanted to know about scientology, they humored me and allowed me to research it. They assured me that whatever I chose to do would not affect how they loved me or how they treated me. Your daughter is already doing the research if she’s starting to thing she’s agnostic. The fact that she is sharing this with you is a really important thing! Let her know that if she has questions, you will make sure she gets the right answers.

Third, they didn’t preach. I distinctly remember my mother telling me that she had already taught me right from wrong and that I was old enough to put it into practice. The same goes for your daughter. If she has decided to support gay rights because she thinks it’s the right thing to do, let her. This does not mean you agree with her, just that you let her make the decision. She reserves the right to change her mind later. Part of learning what you DO believe in, is learning what it is that you DON’T believe in. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to discuss difficult issues with her, including abortion and gay rights. And don’t be afraid to disagree with her. It’s important for her to know that you will hear her opinion and respect it, even if you disagree. That was the hardest part for my mom.

Remember that your daughter is her own person. She may not be the perfect daughter, or even close to what you hoped she’d be, but she’s at an age where she needs to know who she is, what she believes and most importantly, why she believes it. This is a huge decision for her and it sounds like she knows that. My guess, is that’s why she’s telling you. She’s not asking you to show her the way, she’s making sure that you’ll still be there if she decides to come back. Let her know you always will.

As for myself, it turned out that it wasn’t that I didn’t believe…God and I just weren’t on speaking terms for a while. I was angry. I got over it. I came home.

 

[Annn]

Here’s a blunt way to deal with it:

Smack her upside her head.

Rather direct, huh?

Well, if you want to go for a more…interesting approach…Do what my parents did to me.

Take her out of school and home-school her.

Remind her of a few things:

1. You are her still her parent. If she ran away, the cops would just bring her back. she’s not being abused or asked to do anything wrong so they can’t take her away.
2. You can and WILL ground her if her attitude goes sour. No socializing etc. In fact, her friends are probably the reason why she’s doing this in the first place. I’d cut her off right there.
3. You will not back down. Her soul is important to you, and you will never give up on it.

There you have it. Give her a proper Catholic education and make sure all of the damage done by society (Catholic schools nowadays still have lots of bad influences) is reversed.

I like a lot of the responses in this thread, but this one seems like going down a dangerous road. It sounds like the kid is just questioning some of the things she’s learning, and that if her parents are strong in their faith and SHARE in it with her, she’ll be all right. Most kids only figure out the wisdom of their parents after they rebel for quite a while. I like BlestOne’s pointing out the “as long as you live in my house, you go to Mass” rule. We had that rule in my house, too. I think trying to get the kid to be involved in her faith and talking things out with her (literature suggestions are awesome!) are great, but a bright 13 year old probably won’t respond well to parents trying to control her thoughts. After all, isn’t faith supposed to be about belief in the Church and in God, and not about what other laypeople tell you what to believe?

 

[zaramarie81]

I agree with Murdath!

Having been exactly where your daughter is I can tell you what my family did for me.

First and foremost, they did not try to change my mind about my faith. One reason is that at 13 the more they pushed, the more I would push. Anything they tried to force I would fight tooth and nail. Those are things I generally didn’t let go of for years, just out of spite. In other words, accepting my choice was how they did NOT drive me away.

Second, they supported my search for faith. This was essential for me. If I wanted to know about Mormons, my mom helped me look it up at the library. When I wanted to know about scientology, they humored me and allowed me to research it. They assured me that whatever I chose to do would not affect how they loved me or how they treated me. Your daughter is already doing the research if she’s starting to thing she’s agnostic. The fact that she is sharing this with you is a really important thing! Let her know that if she has questions, you will make sure she gets the right answers.

Third, they didn’t preach. I distinctly remember my mother telling me that she had already taught me right from wrong and that I was old enough to put it into practice. The same goes for your daughter. If she has decided to support gay rights because she thinks it’s the right thing to do, let her. This does not mean you agree with her, just that you let her make the decision. She reserves the right to change her mind later. Part of learning what you DO believe in, is learning what it is that you DON’T believe in. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to discuss difficult issues with her, including abortion and gay rights. And don’t be afraid to disagree with her. It’s important for her to know that you will hear her opinion and respect it, even if you disagree. That was the hardest part for my mom.

Remember that your daughter is her own person. She may not be the perfect daughter, or even close to what you hoped she’d be, but she’s at an age where she needs to know who she is, what she believes and most importantly, why she believes it. This is a huge decision for her and it sounds like she knows that. My guess, is that’s why she’s telling you. She’s not asking you to show her the way, she’s making sure that you’ll still be there if she decides to come back. Let her know you always will.

As for myself, it turned out that it wasn’t that I didn’t believe…God and I just weren’t on speaking terms for a while. I was angry. I got over it. I came home.

It sounds like our journey’s were similar! Another aspect of engaging her in research and dialogue while showing her unconditional love is that it shows your confidence in your own faith. You know it’s true, and are not threatened by other beliefs or by questions about the faith. Kids can smell insecurity and fear from a mile away. It’s tough - some kids are more “seekers” than others, and I am sure it gives parents’ gray hair!

 

[Arlene]

The most important thing to remember is that this isn’t your fight, if it’s a fight at all. You’re her mother, not a divinely appointed spiritual commando

Sorry, I have to disagree here. The primary duty of a Catholic parent is to see their children to heaven. That means laying the foundation during the formative years, and guiding them in the practice of their faith until they become of age to do it themselves.

You have, I presume, raised your daughter in the faith to the best of your ability; you can’t be responsible for her spiritual well-being forever, and from the sound of it it’s time to start letting her take charge of that. Thirteen may be a bit earlier than is usual, but then you said she was precocious You’ve done your job raising her. But the time for direct action is past.

Nope, not at 13. Just as a parent would not stop feeding, clothing, or educating a 13 year old. If a 13 year old wanted to drop out of school, would you let them? If a 13 year old started making some very poor choices as to their health and safety, would you step in, set some boundaries, increase supervision and do whatever you could as a parent to prevent them from hurting themselves? I don’t think there is a court in the land that would uphold a parent deciding they were “done raising” a 13 year old.

Don’t threaten to remove privileges (like Christmas presents), it will only make her resent you, and by extension your faith.

LOL, I do think this would be a great tactic for a kid who is just yanking your chain… If ya don’t believe in God, then ya don’t need to be celebratin’ his birthday. (I’m always amazed at my brother in law who has decided he is atheist. He still swears. I would love to ask him how he can curse someone he doesn’t believe exixts, but for the sake of family harmony I don’t ask. To me the expectation of Christmas presents is the same type of hypocrasy: not believing in God, but still feeling you are entitled to the goodies.)

Don’t belittle her thoughts, ideas, or beliefs; you will be repaid in kind.

Agreed. This is the time for some open dialog, answering her questions honestly, and allowing her the opportunity to understand the why’s of our faith. She is in a time of transition between following the faith because of her parents, and internalizing her faith and making it her own. This does take some parental guidance, however. Just as we talk about sex, and drugs and other areas of her life where she ultimately has to make her own choices, we guide them to a place where they make their own informed choices based on what they believe is right, rather than “because I said so”

Don’t cut her off from her friends and peers. I would lay money that nobody talked her into thinking anything she wasn’t already; doubt comes from within.

Sorry, that is my job as a parent; to balance the effects of peer pressure. It is also my job as the parent of a 13 year old to allow or disallow her to hang out with particular people. If there are friends I don’t approve of, you’d better believe I will be limiting access. A 13 year old girl does not hang out with kids I don’t know or approve of. Do you seriously think that 13 year olds are not swayed by peer pressure? That they don’t say or do things (or dress, or wear hair, etc, etc etc) to fit in? How many parents lament their angel-children-gone-bad because they “fell into the wrong crowd”?

Show why faith is something to be desired in the way you live your life. As St Francis said, preach the gospel always, use words when necessary. Words are rarely necessary to get the point across – in fact, it’s better if you aren’t trying to make a point at all. Let your light shine, don’t stab people in the eyes with lit candles.

Agreed. Kids do as we do, not what we say. I see it in CCD all the time. Parents drop their kids off for class, kids (and parents) I’ve NEVER seen before at Mass. Unfortunatley, these are the kids who stop coming as soon as they don’t have to.

 

[I_am_Me]

I’m not sure I will make it to the end of her adolescence!!!

DD is an extremely bright kid, skipped a grade, has already taken the SAT’s, ACT’s. Has been in Catholic schools thru grade school–this is her first year in public HS. ( No Catholic HS in town ) We actively practice our faith in church and in the home. She does not want to go to Mass anymore and resent the fact that I insist she go. She is pro-choice and attends a gay/straight alliance group at school to support gay rights. She tells me she might be agnostic and is searching for a higher power. She is not sure she believes in God at all.

My response, amoung many, I try to be respectful of her feelings but tell her I feel a responsibility for her soul at her young age. I tell her I take the responsibility seriously.

I’m slumped in my chair as I type this. Where can I go from here.
I am truly confused and discouraged.

Friend i am so sorry to hear this! i will pray for your child. God bless Deb

 

[Milliardo]

I’m not sure I will make it to the end of her adolescence!!!

DD is an extremely bright kid, skipped a grade, has already taken the SAT’s, ACT’s. Has been in Catholic schools thru grade school–this is her first year in public HS. ( No Catholic HS in town ) We actively practice our faith in church and in the home. She does not want to go to Mass anymore and resent the fact that I insist she go. She is pro-choice and attends a gay/straight alliance group at school to support gay rights. She tells me she might be agnostic and is searching for a higher power. She is not sure she believes in God at all.

My response, amoung many, I try to be respectful of her feelings but tell her I feel a responsibility for her soul at her young age. I tell her I take the responsibility seriously.

I’m slumped in my chair as I type this. Where can I go from here.
I am truly confused and discouraged.

It is confusing for parents when something like this happens, but then your daughter is entering her teen years, and naturally this is a time for confusion on her part as well. She is testing how far she can be free. Always be there when she needs you is all I can give, since you must also give some room for her to grow and find herself. It will not do good if you insist on things too much at this point; that will present itself at the proper time, when she comes around and asks for your opinion. Then you can guide her and remind her of her faith. Otherwise, if you keep her on a tight leash, you might end up losing her altogether, and that’s the worst thing that can happen.

 

[pammie]

I’d like to thank each of you for responding to this post. I feel much better equipped to handle this situation after reading the many wise suggestions and comments.

To answer a few questions and make a few comments:

Em—I will be sure to ask “why” she has decided to look outside her faith. I have not done this even though we have had many faith oriented discussions. Sometimes I overlook the obvious. DD has often commented on not “liking” the rules of the Catholic Church so I like your “throw away the words: rules and laws” approach and concentrate on all the good and all the wonderful things in the Catholic faith.

She is not yet confirmed and will begin religious ed at the end of this month when classes start. She has many friends from her Catholic grade school that will attend and she has not fought this much so far.

Mass attendance is not an option. I will discuss receiving communion with her—I’m torn on this one as I still hope, in her heart, that she believes. I will never slap her upside the head but did chuckle over this as I know the poster was joking (right?)

Lancer, I love your post and felt very uplifted after reading it. I must do my best as a Catholic mom and realize the important job I have regarding my daughter’s soul. I know that God loves her and will always look after her too—no one (not even herself) is going to snatch her away from Him—without a fight—how true!

Mirdath, I share many of your viewpoints. I never belittle her and always try to discuss things with her and show respect to her. I will not ask her to stop attending gay/straight alliance as I’m sure she will rebel. I must trust that her journey, in the end, will bring her back to God. She is a good person with a good heart. No matter what she eventually chooses to believe, I have confidence she will be a pleasing person to God. I will continue to support and love her and help her any way I can.

Again, thanks from the bottom of my heart.

 

[snhs]

Give her reading material. Avoid the ‘proofs of God’ schtick and other obvious evangelism though, if she’s anything like me (and it kinda sounds like it) she’ll have a grand old time poking holes in it and you’ll be back at square one. And ditch Pascal right off. The idea here is to make a case for religion not by reason but by hope and love and all that. Personal favorites here are Dostoevsky’s The Dream of a Ridiculous Man, Balzac’s The Atheist’s Mass, and Bulgakov’s The Master and Margarita (parental advisory on that last). Best of all, the worst those can do is inspire her towards humanism I’d only recommend religious reading material if she’s interested in it, and if so go for the shotgun approach and let her see what people have thought about the divine in all kinds of times and places and cultures.

I have to disagree with you on that one. The OP said “She is not sure she believes in God at all”, that is something which can be dealt with by putting forward the intellectual case for God’s existence, even if that means going down to Pascal’s Wager. Presumably her daughter is telling her these things for a reason, hope and love is fine but it is not a convincing logical argument for the existence of God, and if she’ll see holes in anything it is going to be by only hearing about those things and not the ‘why’, the processes by which these things came about.

If we go by hope and love alone her actions make a logic of sorts of what she is doing now. After all why would a loving God not allow people to enjoy themselves together without the prospect of a child which could cause financial hardship/force a halt in education before they are ready for it? And why would a loving God ‘create’ homosexuals and then forbid them from expressing that love in a physical way? Would not a loving God see that physical desire and allow the fulfillment of it? If it is truly God who does these things and we are ultimately dependent on God for our fate after death then it’s not likely to be a pleasant one. What’s the easiest way to solve that one? Well maybe God doesn’t have to exist.

I can’t say that’s the exact logic she has used to get to the position she is in now, but it is the kind of thing that an adolescent mind can arrive at when it has been hearing about hope and love for years and just started seeing the ‘problems’ with it relative to society’s perceptions while lacking the intellectual familiarity with Catholic reason to comprehend apparent inconsistencies.

I don’t think humanism is the way to go at this point. If her faith is already uncertain exposing it to competing philosophies which she may take at face value as being more in tune with her current state of mind than Catholicism could be problematic in the long run.

I think what she has said regarding her uncertainty about God’s existence is an excellent starting point, either for discussions about faith or to provide sources which give an intellectual construct which she is likely to understand. And perhaps focusing on Catholicism is the best idea for now rather than flooding her with the views of competing belief systems.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I’d like to thank each of you for responding to this post. I feel much better equipped to handle this situation after reading the many wise suggestions and comments.

To answer a few questions and make a few comments:

Em—I will be sure to ask “why” she has decided to look outside her faith. I have not done this even though we have had many faith oriented discussions. Sometimes I overlook the obvious. DD has often commented on not “liking” the rules of the Catholic Church so I like your “throw away the words: rules and laws” approach and concentrate on all the good and all the wonderful things in the Catholic faith.

She is not yet confirmed and will begin religious ed at the end of this month when classes start. She has many friends from her Catholic grade school that will attend and she has not fought this much so far.

Mass attendance is not an option. I will discuss receiving communion with her—I’m torn on this one as I still hope, in her heart, that she believes. I will never slap her upside the head but did chuckle over this as I know the poster was joking (right?)

Lancer, I love your post and felt very uplifted after reading it. I must do my best as a Catholic mom and realize the important job I have regarding my daughter’s soul. I know that God loves her and will always look after her too—no one (not even herself) is going to snatch her away from Him—without a fight—how true!

Mirdath, I share many of your viewpoints. I never belittle her and always try to discuss things with her and show respect to her. I will not ask her to stop attending gay/straight alliance as I’m sure she will rebel. I must trust that her journey, in the end, will bring her back to God. She is a good person with a good heart. No matter what she eventually chooses to believe, I have confidence she will be a pleasing person to God. I will continue to support and love her and help her any way I can.

Again, thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Okay, I may be making some assumptions or reading into your posts too much (so ignore if this isn’t what’s going on )…

But my guess is that she has friends that she cares for that are struggling with gay/lesbian thoughts. She loves her friends and sees them as decent people who aren’t bad or evil, and how could a loving God say that these people are bad?.. At that point nothing makes sense… her friends are “good”, so the Church MUST be wrong!
If this is the case (again, maybe I’m going out on a limb), don’t drive a wedge between her and these friends. Empathize with their struggles and let her know you agree that these are not “bad” or “evil” people… they are struggling… and let her know she has a very open and loving heart to be concerned for others.
Then, once she understands your empathy and has opened to more conversation… consider reading the Catechism together.
Here’s the section on homosexuality…

Chastity and homosexuality

2357
Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity,141 tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."142 They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.

2358
The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

2359
Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

Remember to keep a positive voice… and define terms like “disordered” as “outside of the natural order”… rather than a negative connotation (otherwise she’ll close her ears and heart).
The Church does not call homosexuals “evil” or “bad” as people… it defines the ACTS of homosexuality as disordered and contrary to the natural law.
Yes, of course these acts are SINFUL, but go lightly in how you use the word “sinful”… and emphasize Christ’s forgiveness and love.

Does that make sense? Don’t suggest that the teachings of the Church are wrong in any way… but just tread lightly in order to keep her mind and heart open.

HTH… and many prayers…

 

[Mirdath]

Sorry, I have to disagree here. The primary duty of a Catholic parent is to see their children to heaven. That means laying the foundation during the formative years, and guiding them in the practice of their faith until they become of age to do it themselves.

If sending your children to heaven is your primary duty, you should kill them the instant they have been baptized. It’s the only way to be sure.

Now, if you meant goal, that’s much more sane, isn’t it? But you have to realize that in the end the decision does not rest with you.

Nope, not at 13.

Time was the age of reason was seven, according to the Church. Kids will reach that age, and guess what, they’ll start using that reason. Sure they may not be able to take full responsibility for their physical needs at that point, but don’t make the mistake of assuming they’re still mentally toddlers.

Do you seriously think that 13 year olds are not swayed by peer pressure? That they don’t say or do things (or dress, or wear hair, etc, etc etc) to fit in? How many parents lament their angel-children-gone-bad because they “fell into the wrong crowd”?

Mine do (or did), and I think I am the happiest and most stable person in my family Peer pressure is a factor in many things, but not in one’s innermost thoughts and beliefs. You wouldn’t have so many martyred saints if it were so.

snhs:

The OP said “She is not sure she believes in God at all”, that is something which can be dealt with by putting forward the intellectual case for God’s existence, even if that means going down to Pascal’s Wager.

Pull out the Wager and you’ve already lost. It is philosophical feces – even the most brilliant among us gotta take a dump sometime, and this was Blaise Pascal’s stinker. It is so transparently bad that anyone who doesn’t actively want to be convinced will see right through it. Even if they’ve still got braces.

And in any case, arguments beget only more arguing. There’s nothing to gain by going that route. If you want to promote religion, there are other, better, and more honest ways of going about it.

 

[sanctamaria17]

OP, seriously, pray for her, bring her to Mass, but don’t take her away from her clubs and friends. Most teens aren’t open with their parents about anything but the fact that your daughter is open with you about this is awesome. I ended up the devout Catholic in my family and it was only because my parents understood the importance of me exploring different ideas and coming to my own conclusions about them. If I was forced, I probably wouldn’t be a very Catholic person today (simply because I abhor it when people shove things down my throat and tend to shut it out after awhile).

Considering that the girl in question is 13, and the Church declares the age of reason to be 7, I think that it is perfectly appropriate for her to be questioning and coming to conclusions. I decided to become Catholic at 13 and received my sacraments at 15. If I was old enough to do that, I think she’s old enough to question. Bottom line: She may be a minor but she’s not a small child anymore. Even if she can’t legally work full time, vote, and has not yet graduated HS, she still has an independent mind and already thinks for herself. Parents may make the rules but a kid following them does not mean they necessarily internalize them. Just pray.

 

[snhs]

Pull out the Wager and you’ve already lost. It is philosophical feces – even the most brilliant among us gotta take a dump sometime, and this was Blaise Pascal’s stinker. It is so transparently bad that anyone who doesn’t actively want to be convinced will see right through it. Even if they’ve still got braces.

And in any case, arguments beget only more arguing. There’s nothing to gain by going that route. If you want to promote religion, there are other, better, and more honest ways of going about it.

Out of interest what qualifies you to evaluate the work of one of the greatest philosophers in the past few centuries?

Neither of us know the OP’s daughter, without knowing her and the way her mind works it is impossible to know what will or will not work, which of the various intellectual arguments will most appeal. That being the case it makes sense to try all of the possibilities, after all if someone has stopped eating it doesn’t matter if it’s cordon bleu cooking or a burger and chips that persuades them to eat again but that they start eating. And from the sound of it she does want to be convinced anyway, she hasn’t said she denies the existence of God but that she is not sure.

This is not about the kind of argument you seem to think it is. I fail to see what is lacking in honesty about sitting down with someone and saying ‘X came to the view that God must exist, the reasons he gave were …’. Human knowledge has always been advanced by argument and counterargument, by people making a case for their position over another and ultimately persuading people that their view is the correct one. Questioning is a part of that, just as thinking about it is, and if she asks 1 question or a thousand on it or thinks about it for a minute or a month then so be it. There is far more to be gained from making a case formed by some of the finest minds in human history than just sitting back and leaving her to her own resources. As another poster has pointed out we don’t leave them to fend for their own food and clothing at this age, how much more should we seek to ensure they have the guidance which can lead them to the right path.

 

[PJM]

I’m not sure I will make it to the end of her adolescence!!!

DD is an extremely bright kid, skipped a grade, has already taken the SAT’s, ACT’s. Has been in Catholic schools thru grade school–this is her first year in public HS. ( No Catholic HS in town ) We actively practice our faith in church and in the home. She does not want to go to Mass anymore and resent the fact that I insist she go. She is pro-choice and attends a gay/straight alliance group at school to support gay rights. She tells me she might be agnostic and is searching for a higher power. She is not sure she believes in God at all.

My response, amoung many, I try to be respectful of her feelings but tell her I feel a responsibility for her soul at her young age. I tell her I take the responsibility seriously.

I’m slumped in my chair as I type this. Where can I go from here.
I am truly confused and discouraged.

Begain and end with prayer. God is with you.!

I suspect that she is far more “against something,” than really for the evil beliefs you detail.

As her parent, you must stay both in charge and control of what is practiced in your home. Be firm, gentle and loving, bur be firm and consistant. Make sure you and the rest of the family are “living the Catholic faith.”

Perhaps, because she is so bright, challange her to “prove her beliefs,” and then share ours, begaining with the Most Holy Eucharist, John Chapter six, if read "word by word, (understanding that words mean something) is a good place to start. If she “rejects” the bible, ask her to prove that it inn’t the inspired word of God. Keep asking “why and sayong prove it to me.”

Then I would suggest you ask her “how did the earth get here?” Answer: At some distant point there was nothing, and the force that Created the universe out of “nothing, we call god.” This God is a god that cares enough to provide us with a “free will and an intellect” so that we can discover god. No other creatures of God are given these two gifts. Why is that?

Free will allows us to know good from bad, right from wrong, (name) your making some decessions that are very hard to justify, and are the result of a normal teenages quest for independence. But true independence isn’t deciding everything yourself, true independance is knowing that there cannot “be your truth and my truth, but only the truth.” Be honest with yourself! Don’t be unduly influenced by your family, but also do not allow yourself to be unduly influenced by your peers, who don’t love you as much as we do. Your bright: search for the truth, and in the mean while, we will continue to practice the truth that I and your father have discovered.

I’ll be happy to hear what ever you wish to share, but I’m incharge, because that’s my job as your mom. Got it!

Good luck,
God’s continued Blessings,
PJM m.c.

It’s not easy, but its not supposed to be. Be loving, firm, and then if there is still room,“be fair.”

Pray in particulat to the BVM, she will assist you.