My 16 year-old daughter flipped the bird

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Talk to her about respect, why it is important in schools, families, and society, and how she will personally benefit throughout her life if she treats other people with respect.

You could also ask her how she learned that gesture, and what sort of people use that gesture. Don’t accept it if she tells you everyone does that.
 
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I don’t have any children, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I’d ask her why, and discuss better ways to express her anger and frustration.

One of my father’s greatest bits of advice to me was to remind me that most dangerous rebel is the one that comes it wearing a nice suit and tie.
 
Find out why she did it, and the whole circumstance.

Although it’s not the right way to react, ever, there’s a big difference between her doing it to be cute/ impress her friends/ not taking it seriously, in which case the lesson is about the importance of showing respect and not showing off for the group;

versus her doing it because the teacher made her legitimately angry or frustrated, in which case you would want to talk to her about patience, coping and finding more constructive/ socially acceptable ways to express herself.
 
Oh, America. How I love your strong morals.
I accidentally flipped off two of the first communicants I’m a catechist for, when they beat me at the foosball table. I say accidentally because I’m a convert, and in a lot of circles in Denmark that wouldn’t be taken as an actual offense. Good thing they just had their first confession and we had a good talk about reacting on instinct, but taking responsibility and apologising (which I did).
What’s my point: it’s not so much the gesture of the hands and fingers, but what that gesture communicates to the different parties involved. Talk to your daughter about why she did it and what it means to her to flip the bird. There may be deeper rooted issues, what with it being the religion teacher and all. Or it might just be “cool” in her class. Not that it’s cool, but don’t assume too much evil behind the act.
 
Learning humility at this age is vital. Learning to respect authority.

Do you teach her to answer “Yes maam” and “No sir” to adults?

Watch and make sure that as parents you are showing respect to those in authority. Make your home a “trash talk free zone”.

Perhaps if she spends some time volunteering with the less fortunate, maybe volunteering at a children’s hospital in a cancer ward or with people in hospice, she will understand how blessed she is. She will understand that humility is a virtue and that she is not “better” or “smarter” than her teacher.
 
You need to take a few steps, and in the order I outline here. The order is important.

STEP 1: you need to have a conversation about the gesture. If she is in tenth grade and isn’t developmentally delayed, she already knows all about what the gesture means. I can’t think of any circumstances where it is OK to make that gesture, particularly to someone in authority. She will make excuses, etc., most likely. Don’t accept them.

STEP 2: Talk about what lead her to feeling like she needed to do that. She may have a very legitimate reason for having reached that place. However, she needs to find a more positive way to manage her emotions. Acknowledge her frustration (or whatever emotion it is she was trying to express). Help her work through that. Maybe the teacher is a jerk. Maybe she hates the class. Could be anything. It is a good opportunity for you to learn about your kid, and mentor her appropriately.

STEP 3: You need to see she apologizes to the teacher. I don’t believe in forced apologies. If you have the proper conversation with her in step 2, above, chances are she will recognize she behaved inappropriately. Don’t make the apology a bigger issue than it is. An email to the teacher or a face to face conversation after class is fine. “I’m sorry for my inapporpriate gesture, yesterday. I promise it won’t happen again.” is enough.

STEP 4: Let her know what the consequence will be the next time she pulls a stunt like that. “Like that” being important. Make sure she understands the next time you find out she is disrespectful to others, there will be unpleasant consequences.

Hope this helps. I love teenagers, but they can be a handful!
 
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I would ask her why she did it and who she learned it from. But, you also need to have a serious talk with her about respect, you should also make her apologize to the teacher
 
An added aside to all the good advice is don’t panic. I’ve been there with 3 sixteen year olds and lots of times it feels like your advice and teaching is all for nought but now that they are in their mid to late 20’s and all really good kids, I think back and realise all your words do go in and form them even if they seem to blow it off at the time.
 
Shocked at the replies… But not suprised.

Ask her? Try to explain to her? find out why? um What!?

You asked what consequences are appropriate. trying to find out someone’s motives and asking them why is not consequence. Though I suspect to some the endless lecturing and coddling is in itself both cruel and unusual.

Here is a consequence. You go in there with her and watch her as she apologizes and then promises to respect her. Then, she is banned or grounded, or some sort of punishment that is appropriate to the action.

Also since this is a grade 10 religious teacher that she disrespected I suppose she has been taught about sinning against the 4th commandment so a drive to the confessional is definitely in order.

In fact in my family, confession comes first.
 
Well, I guess that is one way to handle things. Personally, I like to use these situations as opportunities to learn more about my child and mentor them. That means meaningful two-way conversation. It doesn’t mean coddling or not providing appropriate consequences.

I like to take negative experiences and turn them into positives, and it is how I like to raise my child. Yes, there are positives that can come from flipping the bird, for a teenager. We all have acted out on impulse before. Some of us, I daresay, even do it as adults. Helping kids learn different ways of managing themselves can be done in a positive way, with positive outcomes. Shaming, blaming, and forcing apologies may get you the behavior you want. I suggest there are better ways than that, though.
 
Hoosier-Daddy said:
Also since this is a grade 10 religious teacher that she disrespected I suppose she has been taught about sinning against the 4th commandment so a drive to the confessional is definitely in order.
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My mother did that “forced confession” stuff and it resulted in me developing a fear/anxiety of confession and eventually just not going for 18 years.

Maybe it works on some kids. For me it just created a major anxiety attack with stomach pain, nausea and uncontrollable crying every time I got near a confessional.

I think my mother’s parenting was generally good, but there are a couple areas where it was really off and that was a big one.
 
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Hoosier-Daddy said:
Shocked at the replies
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Many of these replies are from Americans. I have noticed that most American students are quite lax in their discipline and respect for their teachers. This or similar incidents are not an isolated case but happen frequently in the USA classrooms. They have their feet on the chairs in front of them and they continue with their chatting and texting on their cell phone or playing video games on their phone when the teacher enters the classroom. Often the teacher has to shout to get the American student to stop with their chatting and playing on their phone and to pay attention. This might have something to do with the way their American parents taught them. Students from China who study in America are generally very respectful to their teachers. Also in Russia, students are taught to respect their teachers and they will stand up in attention as soon as the teacher enters the classroom. At least that is how it was not too long ago. And I heard that it still holds for the most part. Of course the USA is a much better place than Russia as we all know.
Hoosier-Daddy said:
You go in there with her and watch her as she apologizes and then promises to respect her. Then, she is banned or grounded, or some sort of punishment
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Yes.
 
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AlNg said:
I have noticed that most American students are quite lax in their discipline
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It’s interesting, because I think a lot of Wester Europeans would describe America as very conservative when it comes to discipline. Striking a child is ILLEGAL, not to mention unthinkable in many European countries. Here in Denmark there is a very strong emphasis on equality between the teacher and the student, starting especially at high school. Discipline is then based on a mutual respect and trust between the students and the teacher.
Of course this doesn’t say anything about how young Americans treat their teachers. 😅 But as a general rule I think that strict discipline (in the traditional sense) will foster a potentially stronger revolt from a student.
 
10th Grade?!?

That is way too old for a “conversation on her/his feelings”. That child knows just what that means and how offensive it is. Punishment is in order. I would take away the cell phone for a period of time and have him/her write a letter of apology. Then I would also apologize for my child’s behavior and offer to help in class.

I think this should be an experience the child won’t soon forget.

And I would not only suggest Confession but also keeping that teacher in the family prayers for some time.

And yes, I have raised four teenagers and currently have another one who is in tenth grade. And all of them are faith-filled active Catholics.
 
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